I scrub my poor, ***** body
to get rid of myself

I am polluted, buried and trapped in my head
my thoughts grab the knife, plunge it deep into my heart

I'm lost in a maze, please help me get out of here
i can't escape
and my soul burns without shame
i punish myself, i punished myself my whole life

After a while I lie on the floor, the sun's rays fall on my face
the morning will be beautiful, the sunset will be intimidating
i am ready to die
because my wisdom was never beautiful, it was always a consciousness
which made some days I never existed.

You appear,
my soul parted freed from all sins
my heart was filled with enthusiasm

I was so much here, and yet not here

thoughts let go,
and my mind was cured,
you made my happiness dependent,

Though my wounds were not healed, you gave me the hope
which in the dark place I sought,

You appeared,
You freed me from nightmares,
You filled me
You made me start to believe
You fed my hunger

You saved me

Existence makes me think a lot
I'm here right now

Reality is crushing me on every side
and I'm falling lower and lower
trying to climb higher, I stumble

Solving the concept of existence
it's costing me too much suffering

I reach for something
what makes me high and
higher, higher, higher
but only for a moment

although the moment is addictive
because my whole life I've been looking for this moment
where my mind will rest

Though I know it'll destroy me from the inside
for when I am clean, and my sins are upon my head,
is not easier at all,

And to stop, I need to know why

these moments addict me

please help me escape from reality
please help me get out of my head

God has listened to my requests, but he has given me the substances,
that fill me
allow me to go higher
but just for this **** moment

And now I'm lost
unfortunately
with much more sins

The scars on my body that I've come to terms with,
but it's not about these scars
hot water running down my skin
I scrub like this over and over
it burns me and I feel pain
but physical suffering is better
than those scars that are hidden deep inside me
they leave behind only thoughts that keep me awake
and I'm just so much here, but still not
because I've been mentally polluted
find a window in my head
to release this poisoned air
please
find this window

The worst part of being me
was the suffering that seeped into my soul,
the suffering that made me feel like I was drowning in my own madness,
over all the depraved people,
unable to reconcile with my life.
The personality that made me not know who I was
and the moments that made me unable to live in harmony with myself.
Analyzing everything deeply,
it made me conscious,
and consciousness was killing me from the inside, devouring the particles of my brain.
My brain is tired
and my soul is polluted.
If I didn't think so much, would I be happy?