I don’t need him
He don’t need me
And we find each other beneath
Raw sheets
Please answer me
I say
Why would it be that way
He say
But he never calls
The next day

So you think
You make me weak in the knees
But really
I’m just trying to
Carve as many names
As I can
Into this tree, I am
Wittle away at me

Silent moves
Make me
Move beneath me
Hot breath
Flickering like fire
Feel the flames
Devour you whole
And enter your soul

I couldn’t find meaning in
Mirror
So I looked for it
In his eyes
A stranger
Doomed when I was
Let down
Because I didn’t find
My worth inside of there

My hopeless shot in the dark
A cry for help
So hard to love
Because I couldn’t love myself

I hate to be home
And I hate to be tied down
Feet on pavement
But also wanted to bathe in gold
A tale of how
To ****
Your soul

I don’t know
I don’t know if I can handle the loneliness
It sits inside of me
It breathes
And it aches
Of its own volition

When can I put my head above the water again
Why am I drowning myself
My muscles are heavy
I am heavy
Until I am not anymore

I’d say I don’t care about you anymore
But what am I supposed to do
We built this whole life
Together
We made a life
Together

Now I’m building it apart
Stranger through the
Looking glass
And that’s who you are
Why didnt you tell me

Thank you for being
Someone
And
Somewhere
Safe for me

He does not care
If he makes you lay there
Say okay,
Until you can breathe again

I don’t owe
Anyone
Anything

I don’t owe
Anyone
Anything

His eyes are like honey
But he tells me I’m the only one
To ever say that

And he makes me feel like
I could lay down
And rest awhile
Lying down in the sun
Eyes closed
Heat radiating
Easy
Like a hot summer day

I loved you
It took the air out of my lungs
When she looked at you
Looked at you
Like sweet ripe fruit
Juicy for the taking
I loved you
I loved you
I loved you
But it didn’t ******* matter
“I hope it works out, I’m glad you had a good time”
Can I tell you
Lies eat me open
From the inside out

Oh to be waiting around
On another boy
Another boy
Who didn’t see me right there

I loved you to the ends of the earth and back
Because not every hill was shaved perfectly
Not every beautiful curve of the earth dips perfectly
There is magma and typhoons
And I love you

I have so much love in me
It surges through my fingertips
I can’t stop thinking about you
You and me

And if I don’t think too hard
I’m okay with this, I’m okay with us
I’m okay with you taking my ******* breath away every time I look at you
I put it in a box in the corner
Somewhere with the rest of the ****
That hurts me

I just don’t understand
This cruel world
Where in any universe
We aren’t together, resting our heads on each other, tracing finger tips

And baby I can firmly say,
I’m wasting my ******* time with anyone else,
Because you are it, you are it,

And if the stars were right outside
I’d take you to Vegas and say I do
Because I love you

I just can’t say it
Because if I don’t think too hard
I’m okay
I’m okay with this

And even when I did not want to be around anyone else in the world
I just wanted to be with you
Why do you not feel that way

What’s it like
To be
Serene

Some weeks are harder than others
Some days, harder than other days
And most of the time I wonder
What it’s like to not be swimming against
my own current of thoughts in my brain

Here you are
Standing in the mirror
Beside yourself
Inbetwix yourself
Don’t listen
Don’t listen to what they say

I loved him
I loved him
And I wished so badly
It was felt even in
The fibers in the leaves
Of all the trees

Think and think
Drink and drink
So you can’t anymore

I’d be lying if I said I was doing anything
Other than
Trying to forget you

Life was so much more than black and white

It was red yellow grey turquoise manilla

He could love you

And he could *******

But he could still love someone else

Dont put your hands on me

Unless I asked you to make me

Weak to my knees

Dont put your hands on me

I sat here wishing I could get to know you
Already assuming you wanted to know me

So you say go

And the words crash to the floor like glass

So many pieces I cant pick up

what does it mean when you cant get someone out of your head

sometimes you lie awake and think about their face in bed

Even though they are there and you are here, both of you possessing different warm bodies

Does it mean your just obsessing and the stressing is making it worse

Some kind of thrill in wondering if they thought of you too

Looked at you down to your shoes, hanging on every word you say as it drips from your mouth propelling them down into a puddle

It means nothing

It wasnt enough that I had enough,

I wanted more,

I wanted it all,

I've got this insatiable hunger,

Pulling me under,

What more did you want,

Then the blessings you are trying to destroy?

Its funny how when it's cold outside,

I start to remember burying my face inside of your jacket,

I can small all of the fall and winter leaves,

That were beneath your feet,

While the faint smell of your Marlboros lingered on and on,

I could almost touch your face in the cold sun,

I could almost feel myself being in love,

But the flowers, the trees, and the bees have died and grown again since then

That was that
My hands were shaken
The dust was clean from me

When I pulled away from his house, knowing she would be spending time in his bed later, skin to skin, breath to breath. Passion bleeding through.
I just want to stop thinking about you.

Dripping blood
Hand, hand, hand
My hand?
“How could you do this, you are both so stupid, you will pay to fix this window”
“Get away from me”
Blood is dripping from my hand

Am I dying? Am I dying? Am I ******* dying?
Someone please tell me if I’m dying.
“This is your fault, I told you not to get mad, this is your fault”

I wish I was not the way that I am
I want to go home and forget this place
Existed
And that anyone as great as you is real
I wanted it to be the time in my life
Where I needed someone
And it just isn’t

But tasting your lips
Nothing is sweeter

So you say you don’t care
You don’t care
But it’s hard to picture you
With someone else
I can feel my ribs breaking
Under this pressure
Against myself

Feel guilty for living
Feel guilty for not living enough
Wake up
Be whoever the ******* want

My air will never fill enough space
To matter
I am the
Dew drops on leaves
No one will remember me
When I evaporate

The space you left in this family is hollow
Cold hands upon my cheek
That’s the last thing I remember about you

I should have been there sooner
I should have told you I loved you more
I should have told you thank you

How could you be gone
I stand outside and the sun hits my skin
I close my eyes
It doesn’t feel like you are gone

There is no poetry to describe the way I felt
Watching them take your body away
It is like a morning that never ends
Time stands still in a empty strange place
Where you no longer were

Just so you know,
Gammy never left your side
And when they did finally take you away,
She laid in your spot for hours

We miss you, we miss you
I have had you in my life for twenty three years
It will never have been long enough
With a beautiful soul
Like yours Papaw.

I wish I just existed in beauty
The way the mountains just
Held themselves up
And the way the sun
Just painted the sky
As it went to sleep for the night

I’m starting to slip again
Reverting back again
Down the necks of bottles
Give it to me straight

I don’t want to be awake
I don’t want to feel this pain

Hurt and hurt and hurt
Until you can’t breathe anymore
And then

One day
It dissipates

But sometimes
You never stop
Missing them

There is no rhyme or reason
For why I met you
There is no bigger picture
But ****
You made my heart ache
And I wish I made you feel that way

I wish you knew how much
Space
You took up in my brain

I know you’d look at me and say
Don’t do that to yourself
And I promise
I promise
I hear you when you speak to me

I know, I know
Not here, not now
But what about another
Time
Another
Space

I love you
For what it’s worth
And only what it’s worth to you
I love you

Things would never be the same as they had been
Not yesterday
Not today
Never again

But I think, I would love you forever
And when the wind blows past
I will remember the way you wrapped your arms around me

Bone breaking,
Aching,
Loneliness,
It’s the marrow in your bones now,
Seeping out,
When they crack open

Then I thought about how
You only make me cry
Bone breaking loneliness
Creeping all inside

One day you wake up
And you just are
For a moment
Suspended in your dreams

And yes it’s true,
I love the earth more than I love you,
Mountains move in me,
And soft earth cradles me,
The way I wish you could have.

Wet dew, gentle kisses
Save loneliness, I am never alone
With the sun, and the moon
The soft leaves, and the green trees

Someone can be the sun to you,
And you are the earth,
Just the third rock out,
Wanting to be close to them,
But they **** you, they melt every surface
They can live without you
But you can’t live without them
Their gravitational pull
Their warmth

And in the thick of the dark night blanketing over us, as I laid there next to him, he said “I can usually always tell”
“with this person I was a little confused, with this other person I was also a little confused, usually there is always some moment where I can tell, but with you I can see no difference, no confusion”
Those words sat in my chest and permeated through me, like hot Texas heat taking up every inch of your body, baking.

I self destruct
5
4
3
2
1

His words were warm
Like a dollop of hot butter
Sliding down a stack of pancakes

I hate his stupid smile,
I hate his stupid face.