When I pulled away from his house, knowing she would be spending time in his bed later, skin to skin, breath to breath. Passion bleeding through.
I just want to stop thinking about you.

Dripping blood
Hand, hand, hand
My hand?
“How could you do this, you are both so stupid, you will pay to fix this window”
“Get away from me”
Blood is dripping from my hand

Am I dying? Am I dying? Am I ******* dying?
Someone please tell me if I’m dying.
“This is your fault, I told you not to get mad, this is your fault”

I wish I was not the way that I am
I want to go home and forget this place
Existed
And that anyone as great as you is real
I wanted it to be the time in my life
Where I needed someone
And it just isn’t

But tasting your lips
Nothing is sweeter

So you say you don’t care
You don’t care
But it’s hard to picture you
With someone else
I can feel my ribs breaking
Under this pressure
Against myself

Feel guilty for living
Feel guilty for not living enough
Wake up
Be whoever the ******* want

My air will never fill enough space
To matter
I am the
Dew drops on leaves
No one will remember me
When I evaporate

The space you left in this family is hollow
Cold hands upon my cheek
That’s the last thing I remember about you

I should have been there sooner
I should have told you I loved you more
I should have told you thank you

How could you be gone
I stand outside and the sun hits my skin
I close my eyes
It doesn’t feel like you are gone

There is no poetry to describe the way I felt
Watching them take your body away
It is like a morning that never ends
Time stands still in a empty strange place
Where you no longer were

Just so you know,
Gammy never left your side
And when they did finally take you away,
She laid in your spot for hours

We miss you, we miss you
I have had you in my life for twenty three years
It will never have been long enough
With a beautiful soul
Like yours Papaw.

I wish I just existed in beauty
The way the mountains just
Held themselves up
And the way the sun
Just painted the sky
As it went to sleep for the night

I’m starting to slip again
Reverting back again
Down the necks of bottles
Give it to me straight

I don’t want to be awake
I don’t want to feel this pain

Hurt and hurt and hurt
Until you can’t breathe anymore
And then

One day
It dissipates

But sometimes
You never stop
Missing them

There is no rhyme or reason
For why I met you
There is no bigger picture
But ****
You made my heart ache
And I wish I made you feel that way

I wish you knew how much
Space
You took up in my brain

I know you’d look at me and say
Don’t do that to yourself
And I promise
I promise
I hear you when you speak to me

I know, I know
Not here, not now
But what about another
Time
Another
Space

I love you
For what it’s worth
And only what it’s worth to you
I love you

Things would never be the same as they had been
Not yesterday
Not today
Never again

But I think, I would love you forever
And when the wind blows past
I will remember the way you wrapped your arms around me

Bone breaking,
Aching,
Loneliness,
It’s the marrow in your bones now,
Seeping out,
When they crack open

Then I thought about how
You only make me cry
Bone breaking loneliness
Creeping all inside

One day you wake up
And you just are
For a moment
Suspended in your dreams

And yes it’s true,
I love the earth more than I love you,
Mountains move in me,
And soft earth cradles me,
The way I wish you could have.

Wet dew, gentle kisses
Save loneliness, I am never alone
With the sun, and the moon
The soft leaves, and the green trees

Someone can be the sun to you,
And you are the earth,
Just the third rock out,
Wanting to be close to them,
But they **** you, they melt every surface
They can live without you
But you can’t live without them
Their gravitational pull
Their warmth

And in the thick of the dark night blanketing over us, as I laid there next to him, he said “I can usually always tell”
“with this person I was a little confused, with this other person I was also a little confused, usually there is always some moment where I can tell, but with you I can see no difference, no confusion”
Those words sat in my chest and permeated through me, like hot Texas heat taking up every inch of your body, baking.

I self destruct
5
4
3
2
1

His words were warm
Like a dollop of hot butter
Sliding down a stack of pancakes

I hate his stupid smile,
I hate his stupid face.

I wish I could know you
Maybe some other time
Maybe some other life

I’ll daydream about you for now

My skin burns for you
Even if you don’t think of me
Your gaze turns me to

Speak to me again
Speak to me one more time

Pathetically I scramble and scrape
Any reason to have you look in my direction

I am on the edge burning for you
Your lips like fire
Dripping with flames

Think of me again
Think of me one more time

Can I make your heart race
Like you make mine?

I don’t know what to do
I can’t stop thinking about you

I want to whisper words
That make you think about me
Before you fall asleep

I think it bothers me
That
She ever use to hold you
And brush the hair away from your face

I want to be the only one
Who made you fall in love

I didn’t want to be here
I didn’t want to be anywhere

Escaping in my head
Into every pair of eyes
I found
Myself
Lost in beauty
Lost in love

Focus, Focus
I couldn’t focus

She said she worries
But I’m not worried
I want to breathe her air
And wrap her around me

She is beautiful
The Sun sets in her eyes
And rises with her smile

And God,
I am so lucky to know her

She is the moon, the stars, and the sky
She stops time
And my eyes shine

She is quiet
She tries to disappear
But I see her

I see her
And I want to kiss her
be near her
For even one second

God told me yesterday that you and I are finished
End of the line
End of this holy bond

Holy matrimony
You said you’d take care of me
But you only wore me down
To make me strong

He sent me a message in the sky
“Leave your husband”
And then I thought about
How you only make me cry
Bone breaking loneliness
Creeping all inside

23 years old
Today
Wonder why I feel this way
Should be proud
23, salaried
Everything is feeling pretty empty
23 years
Happy Birthday

My dad and I
We may never speak
And
When he dies
I might not even be invited to the funeral,
I might not even be listed under one of his children under "survived by",
I may never get closure,
Or the answers I wanted

I will never know why he walked my sister down the aisle, but he skipped my wedding.
I will never know why he takes pictures, saying "all my grandchildren", but my son is missing.
I will never know if he cared as much as I did about these things, if he swallowed the silence.
Is he bad at his core? I might never know.

My dad and I
We may never speak
He might die
And I might never know him.

Why is it so hard to swallow?

I get solace in knowing,
even if you keep pretending my blood
isnt yours,
I am
I am.

I cant forgive you
I cant forgive you until you see me
It's not fair I must live with your regret

I cannot forget about what you've done to me
But you can

New family
New daughter
Replacement
You dont even have to think
But I do
I do
I do not ******* forgive you

You close your eyes at night
Sleep so peacefully
Knowing, you dont know me
You dont have to know me
Out of sight
Out of mind


-
Love, your daughter

Are you a good person who does bad things?
Or are you a bad person who does good things?

You cant tiptoe the line.
You either are or are not.
But in the same aspect,
You cant always be one thing.

**** humanity.

I wish I couldnt tell
When people
Were telling
The Truth.

I wonder if I will notice the grooves of
Your face digging deeper every day
As life erodes you away
I wonder if we will look young forever
To each other
Immortal in our love, in a certain way
How I reveled in spending every day with you,
Until our last day.

I have the will to live
Every 2 weeks
Then I spend the rest of my time
Wishing it would end

So righteous are you
Pointing your divine finger
That you selfishly avoided
Your very own mirror

And so distracted
you will fall into the flames
You apparently so fear
For others

Everyone is equal here
In the eyes
Of our god.

We build your houses
With our proud bricks
As museums
This is how they live
And we take pictures for the field trip

We return home
Close our eyes
And tell our selves
We are aware of the worlds problems

In the dark
You only have your soul.

It doesnt matter who I want to be
I dont want to be me.

I am between you
And my passions
I buried them a long time ago
In the backyard of our home

Its getting harder to keep my feet grounded
I might float up and away

Who are we
But
Grains of eroded rock
Sand
On an even larger rock

No buildings
Out of bone
Though

Here we are
Trying to love each other
The way the people in the
Picture inserts
Looked like
They loved each other

When would we admit it to ourselves
When will you let me be free?

Have you ever
Laid in bed next to
someone you love

And prayed for
Your true love to
Fall out of the sky

Time still
Changes everything

Even if you choose
To stay still

Remember to smile,
Remember to brush your teeth,
Remember to wash your face,
Remember to have clean clothes,
Remember to never be late to work,
Remember to be a good wife,
Remember to be a good mother,
Remember to not be selfish,
Remember to love yourself,
Remember to clean the house,
Remember to wash the dishes,
Remember to get enough sleep,
Remember to wake up in time,
Remember to open your eyes,
Remember to smile,
Remember to brush your teeth,
Remember to pick up your feet,
Remember to breathe,
Remember how to be a good mother,
Remember how to be a good wife,
Remember to be yourself at work,
Remember to not be late,
Remember to take time for yourself,
Remember to not be selfish,
Remember to pay your bills,
Remember to clean the house,
Remember to do all the laundry,
Remember to pick up your arms,
Remember to be present,
Remember to smile.

I am trying not to change
In the way rocks remain forever
Only weathered
I am made of flesh, bone, and blood
But I am still finding pieces of myself
Blown away

I wanted to be the falling star,
In someones pocket,
Never to fade away.