I was ready to be done now
And I never wanted to be ready again
Ready to be ready
And not done
I’m tired of them
Putting their hands
And words all over me
I’d rather be alone
They take up my time
To be free

Emptiness
Dryness
Fills up these lines
More than passion has
In the last
Two years
I’m on my own
Wandering the dessert again

Boys want this
And boys want that
Dress this way so you will get a boy
Sit up straight
Cross your legs
So the boy doesn’t think
You are trash
Wear pants
Don’t make eye contact
With the boy
He’ll
Eat you up
Won’t he
It’s his world
That’s what they tell you
But he’ll give you roses
He’ll love you
And they’ve taught him to be gentle
But somehow never cry
Because it’s your job
To be weak

Passion
Kissing
Glances
Touches filled with fire
I am on an island so
Far away from these things
I ******* over and over
Just like you **** me over and over
But then that’s different
Can’t let each other go
But it’s okay because there is nothing
Waiting for me over there
Nothing in the sea
Or somewhere else
I sit here with you
I tell myself it’s because I want to
Not because I don’t respect myself
I’ve heard you say this is
A dead end
Point blank
Straight down
It falls out of your mouth often
There will be no flowers or
Candle lit dinners
Even when we laugh
And spend sun up to sun down
Every day
Conversations go into the wee hours
Why do you bother asking me
Intimate things
Over and over and over
But you never called me beautiful
So atleast we have that
I’m on an island
So far from passion
Or the idea of someone telling me
“I can’t get
Enough of you”
Because I can’t breathe long enough
To get away from you
I tell myself that I do this to myself

I wish I loved you less
And I loved
me
more
I wish I loved myself the way
I loved you
Or I loved anyone else
I wish I could
Do that

Right people
Wrong place
Wrong time
Wrong universe
But I love you
Still

My little sister
How I love you so
It’s not your fault
That you are everything I wanted
And can never have
But I love to watch you grow
As if bird watching
I am at a distance
It’s where I like to be
Safe from the wilderness of
Hearing how
Our dad was
Your daddy
But to me
He’s just some man

I can’t remember anymore
What is it like
When someone can not
Keep their lips from yours
I am lonely and it’s late
That’s the only reason I care
I am numb
Over and over
I feel nothing

I know things
I’m not stupid
I know that,
Two plus two is four,
The sky is blue,
I have two feet,
Ten fingers,
Ten toes,
I know that you,
You tell lies,
More than you tell the truth,
I know that about you,
So when you sit here and say,
It’s different this time,
Why would it change,
Something I know.
The sky is not purple.
I do not have fifteen fingers
And two toes
And you,
Hardly tell the truth,
I know that.

My eyes meet my own eyes
Not for a long time
I question the girl in the pictures
That have my name written on the back
I wish that was me again
And if you snapped a photo of this moment
Tomorrow
I'd wish that was me again
I don't know what I think of myself
Or my skin
Who would say
I only want someone to love
The flesh on my bones
I want someone to love my dusty corners
and things that were out of place
without saying things like "you are too much"
Versions of myself from days before,
they are always better than now,
and I would never ever see myself,
the way I needed too,
Ironically for myself,
I was never enough.

Burn yourself at the stake
For the same blonde haired boy who said
I don't love you
I won't be with you
Still you set yourself on fire
You tied youself up
He's watching,
He won't save you,
He's intrigued by it or-
He's not the least bit interested.
Why did YOU burn yourself?

I'd think of the times i'd often have something imperative to say
Not often
And so was it imperative?
imperative to speak?
"sometimes, people just want to know you love them"
it's exhausting keeping up
At this point in life,
I value the people who understand me and
understand my lapses of silence
I have nothing to say

I’d rather live
Than die
I’d rather die
Than live
You can’t ask
The egg
How much he enjoyed
Being the chicken

Every expectation sits on all ten finger tips
how do you even
grab
one

I will die
and you will die too
so will the rich man,
the poor man,
the sad man, and
the happy man
everyone dies,
but that is what we have in common,
death is what we have in common,
common man.

I've noted that for most of my life,
I've said too much,
I've wasted too much breath on pain,
so now I choose to rarely say anything,
Silence is enough weight.

For every man who has fallen,
there is a woman who has kissed his feet,
so she marries the ground,
and the dirt,
and the earth,
while all of you look up,
wondering how you became so brave,
and handsome,
with your lipstick stained cheeks.

You can hold something empty
But it’s still empty

I am not supposed to be here
I am supposed to be with you
So please make it quick
Take me with you

How dare the day keep going on
How rude
Don’t the sun and the moon
Know you died
Can’t the earth hear me cry
Why is it still spinning
Why does every day still
Go on

Can I
Crawl inside that coffin with you
Can you
Take me down with you
I don’t
Like being here anymore

We never have funerals for love
Love dies too

What do you say,
Till tomorrow in Paris,
But tomorrow never comes,
Grammar lessons were wrong,
Not ever sentence has a period,
Some people are like songs,
They are here,
We enjoy them,
We try to interpret,
It ends the same way every time,
They don’t continue on and on,

I will miss you my friend.

I know they can all see it on me
How I am not adorned with lace
I smell different
Less pretty
I feel less supple
Kiss? Kiss?
I feel those are too delicate for me
They like to turn me around
That’s why I’m not washing their laundry
Hanging up their clothes
I know they can see it all over me
I feel it with their rough hands
And I feel the lies they spit all over me
Drip all over me

I had not even looked at anything for months
Then I wrote about you four days ago
It’s almost like I knew

I saw today
A new daughter
I’m so proud of you
I love you so much
I’m so happy for you
You are the best father

So why do I feel sick
Why do I wish I were me
Why do I feel myself wishing
You never went back

But every life is here for a reason
Welcome little Juniper
Little Jj
I Hope you are beautiful like your mother
But sweet like your father
They will raise you well

I love you
I love you
Where ever you are
In your car
In your bed
Kissing your girl goodnight
I love you
And I wish
That it was us
You and me
Me and you

Will I ever
See you again?
I whispered in my dream
After death,
And another life
But not until then,
You sighed

Well,
There we go Dillan,
Another year passed us by and we were not together, I have not heard from you since April, and so soon
It will be a year since I’ve spoke to you
Do you still read these?
I doubt it, I sense how you have thought to cleanse yourself of whatever it was we did
But,
**** me if I don’t still think about you

I think about how I will wake up in the middle of the night and he won’t be there, he will be miles away. Drives away. I miss him before he is even gone, because I know what space he will make where he was. If I close my eyes and let every single day pass by through my mind, I’d not change a single one. I wish he’d stay. I wish he’d ask me to go. That’s not what happened though. He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t crave me. Though it seems cruel, I have to say these things to myself. It douses the fire he sets inside my soul.
I thought he just belonged. I thought he was a permanent fixture, something that had to stay.

I loved him
And he didn’t love me
The sun still rose
And it still set
I’m trying to figure out
How to go on
The way the sun does
Without him

I don’t think I’ve ever been this sad about someone leaving before. I try not to think of it. I really do. This morning I was laying on the couch, face pressed against the cushion. I was staring at your TV and all of your things, I just thought about the first day you will be gone. Part of me just wants you to go, because “out of sight, out of mind”, the other part desperately wants you to stay, I keep telling myself it is all wrong. But that is just what I want to hear.
I think about how on that day, this place will be empty, save a few of my things. I will be here and you will be there. Separate. How we will be going from hanging out every day, to hardly seeing each other at all from the way you’ve made things sound, and from how I know people to usually be. I think about how other girls will be laying on your pillows breathing you in, and laughing at your jokes. I think about them sharing moments with you, and learning about your life intimately. I’m sick, and I don’t want to think about it, but I force myself as some sort of numbing agent, if I see it enough in my head, won’t I be numb when it happens? I think about not waking up with you in the morning, or deciding on dinner together, or sitting and playing games until one of us is too tired. I’ve felt like you are the only person in this world I can count on.
I think it’s all just too painful, and I just need to cry when I need to cry. I spent a year of my life with you, and I couldn’t help but fall in love with. Who couldn’t? When my heart hurts like this, I just hold my breath until it’s mostly over.
I am going to miss you so much, I’ve said it a thousand times. It really feels like things will be so empty now, not that I can’t live my life on my own, but it was just different with you.

Have you ever been in love?
It eats you
It consumes your body
Toes to head
Wildfire takes over
And it burns you up
How did you exist without
That’s what you will ask yourself
Have you ever been in love?

I will never talk to you again
Is all I wrote
And I didn’t
I never talked to him again
He got old
I got old
And we died without
Even saying goodbye

I think if you just go
Things would be a lot better
For us both
If you just
Forgot about me
Forgot about this place
Not us
Because that
That never was

I say
I will miss you
And every single time
You look away
Check out that picture
You say
But I will miss you

String me along
Like little fine white pearls
Clacking against each other
Each impactful time your
Fingers slide me down the thread

Do you think I’ll be better
Better ever?
I am afraid of death
and dying.
Nothing, is a deep leap to hop into.
Nothing.
I’ve never been fond of heights.
Will I make it to 30?
Do you think I’ll ever be better?
Can I be better ever?
I want to be normal
I’m tired
I could use a rest
I want to be like the rest
I am afraid of death
And dying.
Do you think I will ever get better?

I can hear you
Thinking about me
You know
Please,
Be more silent
I need that from you

You ask me how I’m doing.
Everyone asks how are you doing?
Can you smell death on me?
I skate over this, like an Olympic champion trained since 3.
I don’t answer.
I refuse to submit and say that I am fine anymore.
I am not fine.

When i eat chicken spaghetti I think of you
Or spending long hours on the phone
The worst thing we ever did
Was let everyone else in our world
I loved you
Despite all the things we’ve said
In anger
In pain
We should have stayed dear friends
Maybe the worst thing we ever did
Was try to go past that when we had
Already crossed our own
Finish lines
I wonder if you think of me too
when the hour is lonely
Like a movie, I grab the sheets,
I’m laughing with you, we are holding hands,
You are kissing me

I can’t decide if
Everyone was right
About us being crazy
Or if we really
Loved each other
I sometimes remember that first night with you
Things were good for just me and you

Boys don’t ride on horses
Or speak carefully
Boys break bones
And they
Bellow with rage
Guttural scream
Boys are not gentle
They do not smell
Of cream

I can tell you that,
the thought of getting to know someone
right now,
feels like one too many marathons I’ve ran, it’s hot and I’m tired.
I want to go home.
And
I don’t want to know who you are.

There is a boy, he eats my words up, and he takes my time, he holds it hostage. He’s a beast. He’s a man. A boy. He eats me, and I am only glad that I, I could make him full.

If you were my girlfriend
I would have treated you better
That’s what he said
It’s a good thing I’m not
And we just live together
And sleep together
And eat dinner together

I told myself
I won’t fall in love
Until someone buys me flowers
But then I kissed him
Without so much as even
One single rose
And him?
His eyes wander so far
It’s hard to tell
Which skirt he’s trying to
Slip up
But it’s not yours
And it’s right in front of you
All without even a single
Flower

Because I’ll never get to do
Anything I want
In this life
I need to know
There will be a new one
Just have to make it through this one
Make it through this one
Make it through this one
And then maybe if I have bled enough
And maybe if I cried
And I sweat enough
And I’m alone enough
Maybe this new one will be
Better
Just have to
Make it through this one

Please god
Tell me
Is reincarnation real

Write profoundly
You are an artist then
Neat little words and spaces
Bore from some kind of pain
And inspiration

Is there any kind of separation?

I am mourning
Mourning that I won’t lay down
For you anymore