I'm waiting
In the indigo darkness
To find myself
The way I used to be
How I look in the photos without the filters
The smile that came so naturally
Forget the hair and nails
The makeup on fleek
Even my posture was strong
My balance sturdy
Body a structure
Of youth and innocence
A navigation system
Of wonder and enlightenment
I was the antidote
The Messiah
Of all my problems
Once a beacon of light
Now an abandoned Lighthouse
My mind a labyrinth

Here between these walls
The world is intoxicated
And you and I are the only ones sane
As we negotiate each others pain
And compensate it with blissful pleasure
Only we can fix all that is wrong
Beyond steamed windows
Outside where the world drowns in rain
Bit by bit
We discover the secret of happiness
And peace
As we fulfill the hunger within us
I swear we are half way there to ending poverty
We are overcome within ourselves
We are not you and I
But one
I'm wearing your old sweater
And we snuggle propped up against the wall
Or each other
Our arms wound around and palms pressed close, fingers knitted together
Your fingers stroke my hair
As we listen to the different heartbeats
And voice our own dreams
With words we build separate versions of an ideal world
Cora you say
How come we're here like this
We're both so different
And I reply that it doesn't matter
We both have too much respect to let differences matter
Respect for the right of others
To reach for achieving a utopia without harming another being
The secret is to never see yourself as superior
And balance it with never seeing yourself as inferior
It doesn't matter what the colour of your envelope is
Or what factory you were made in
Your brand is not the name of your religion or the soil you were born on
The essence and material are the same
I can feel your smile tickling against my forehead as you whisper
I think I know what you mean
Let me show you
And a foreign sound reaches my ears
It's a slow rhythmic tune
With soft vocals
I have no idea what the words mean
And at that moment
Not for the first time
It crosses my mind
That if everyone spoke the same language would we still be like this
But it doesn't matter
As I listen like a blind man with no sense of time
I understand the song is about love
And there's a touch of longing
I can feel the melancholy in her voice
And the nostalgic homesickness in his
As the song plays on
I imagine the two lovers were reunited
I can feel the gratitude
And relief
I can see their future
And its everything I've always dreamed of
My kind of utopia

Freezing yourself
Is not the only way to live forever
Many people become donors
But I wonder
How many time's can a heart
Be recycled?
Because mine's has had enough to last me several lifetimes
I'll live through the circle of life
And be content to go to my Lord
With the vessel of my soul
In a state he bestowed

Since when did love
Become a thing to fear
But the victims of love
Fear people who love
The bearers of this knowledge
Creep cautiously
Fearing opposition
They step sensitively
Each relation becomes fragile
Trust is hesitant
Its like how we fear enemies
But once we know them
We fear friends

Mouth closed
Legs open
Eyes shut
Body naked

Below beneath
On your knees
Don't refuse
Or accuse

Misuse
Abuse
Lose
Discard

Voice less
Butchered wings
Shaky legs
Patterned skin

Unjust
Unfair
Undue
Distress

Always under
Always less

My heart is in the washing machine
Tumbling and spinning
My life out of control
Take it out
And put it back in to rinse

I wonder if this is what being in a bar fight feels like
Bleeding into my belly
Nails bitten down to the skin
A tongue that can taste the bitter dryness of my skeleton
A matter of fact honesty that lays into my bones
And grips my ribs
My eyes are thirsty for black nothingness and my mind aches from standing all the time
It's 6am and I need to switch on
But I never switched off
I'm on standby
Like a cracked clay ***
I function but need to be replaced as the cracks will eventually break and no one wants to see everything fall apart
I am hunting for the sound of silence
Desperate to pierce stillness
To just stop and listen to my heart beat
Not for you, or them
For me
My body is like a jelly mould against my bed
But I can't stay awake long enough to enjoy this comfort
Dreams of the following day and anticipated disasters plague me
I need to be prepared
Organised
Ready
Somewhere along the way
I have pressured myself into being perfect
Everything has to be just right all the time or I'll get into trouble
I still don't know what the 'trouble' would be
Just that I can feel it eating everything away
Like a rotten disease
It will spread and taint all that has been signed and sealed with approval
I crave to stay awake and make time mine
At 3am
When the world is quiet
Just to quench the longing for how it felt like to sit and do nothing
I want to stare blankly at a wall for hours without a care in the world
No one would expect anything from me
No interruptions
Or consequences
Just me
Alone
In the calm

She stood at the water fountain
Ahead of the crowd
Waving and flaying her arms
In a summoning ritual

To some she looked crazy
Whilst to others
Each sway of her arms
Pitched to their soul

Orchestrating
And conducting
The musical shower
Rising and splashing

But I
Stared in conviction
Bewitched
By the last waterbender

My Katara in real life

Its 3:23am
And I'm standing with my nose flattened against the cold window
Watching lightening flash in the dark of the night
Shedding light in the blind corners out of sight
Thunder roars demanding to be felt
As souls rest in the care of God
The weather teaches me how to write
About the healing dark
With the wind that passes through your street to mine
In this small world
I'm a clay figure beneath the stars tonight
With a poets mind that resists losing conscience
I'm convinced it's the weather that made poets

Me and you
We're pieces that don't fit
Anywhere
But I'm finally starting to realise
That maybe we don't have to
The puzzle does not need to be complete
We're not broken

He asks if I've ever been in love
And I say
Every poet is always in love
Everything is a prompt
Every object and person
Every moment
Every feeling
We love it all
So much so
We fantasize about it
Write about it
Imagine it to life
The freedom
The despair
The sky of each day
We're in love with the journey
The creation
The creator
The story
It's overwhelming
To have your mind be in five places at once
All illuminating the other
Transcending from a memory with no language
From reality to fiction
Fiction to reality
And we write
Into an empty space
At a stage so far from where the thought began
With no certainty of how it will end

A day will certainly come
As sure as we breathe
When our creator will ask of us
What we did to aid the oppressed

On that day
As surely as who created you
Created me too
It will not be about religion but humanity

When carefully planned and organised jets
Launched rockets
To bomb populated refugee camps
Schools and apartment blocks

At a defenceless opposition
Without an air force or navy
Heavy weapons or artillery
Command or armour

That's not war
It's ******
It's cold blooded massacre
As a woman shot in the stomach
Gives birth to a cold blue baby
And a world across oceans changes channels tuning in to the next world cup champion

It was never about taking sides
Israel vs Palestine
There is a truth
To which we must remove the blindfold of ignorance

Searching for a voice of right
Amongst the cries of pain hatred and anger
The sign in a city
Where there is too much to see

Finding peace amongst people who are not ours
Because I see hypocrisy of nations
Who stand for human rights
But only when the human shares a matching ideology

I see hypocrisy amongst media
Where a million wounds and shades of blood
Are inked into black and white letters
Today I read 'An Israelian was killed whilst a dozen Palestinians died'

They turned humans into numbers
Quantitative data
They couldn't possibly de-sensitize it any further
I mean look at the verbs in which they phrased that  

I see hypocrisy amongst Muslims
Who stand equal and united
Yet they too turn backs when the interest is not beneficial
And the pitiful nation falls divided

Whether it is a prayer
A strike, a boycott or vigil
A protest or petition
Maybe even a donation

There's a thousand ways to help
But very few who do
So what did you do?
Was it out of sight out of mind for you?

in this game they call love
what is mine is yours
and what is yours
is also yours
they ask you about me
as though I exist not on my own

She said her path was different to mine
Via text
That's it
I never heard from her again
Fifteen years
Wrenched from my life
And I didn't even deserve a reply

When you said I looked sad today
I stood in front of a mirror
Analysing my expression
And what gave me away

Was it my downcast eyes
Or the droop in a fighting frown
Perhaps my slumping shoulders
Maybe it was my betraying tongue that stilled at the wrong time

I practised looking happy
Put a hop in my step
A tinkering in my laugh
Hooked the corners of my lips to my ears

I stared at my new reflection
Full coverage makeup
Yet I still couldn't put a twinkl in my eye
I couldn't decieve myself

It was
a little love
a little helplessness
I threw my life away
What kind of man was I?
a person killed me and left me alive
But I gave up on life
there was a person who came and went like a season
but I was not a farmer who could save a dying land
I was not a boat who could sail the storm
I wish everyone could know
that I am open truth
what kind of man was I?
to hold that stranger close to me I had to embrace the crowd
to stop the reminder of the unfaithful
I've had to raise my hands to the mirror
What kind of man was I?
I've had to die
to prove that I was alive

I'll always remember the first night I slept again
And not the sleepless night I had over you
I'll remember how my friends called me to ask how I was
And not the empty silence I got back when I tried ringing you
I'll remember all those moments I became myself again
And not who I was with you

My name melts on your tongue
As it rolls and sizzles
You hold it like a pearl
It's shell, your mouth

Your name
It dances with angels
And silences my demons
I hold it like a shield

A litany of prayers
A synonym of belonging
Like the warmth of the sun
The blooming of a bud

Everything is destroyed from the outside in
A state of neither living nor surviving
Slaving away for food and needing so much more
Made to believe it's just the way life is
I'm working hard and long
Getting nowhere fast or slow
Because everytime I'm a fraction closer to my goal
The bar is raised
The goal is pushed further away
The expectations rise
It increases the hunger
The pain
The struggle
But highlights the pointlessness
Hope for a miracle

What use
Is missing you like this?
If you don't reside in my heart
What am I to say
Of the hopes I had
The world changed
But you stayed the same
You give me hope and break my heart again
What use
Is torturing me like this?
Cleanse your heart of the evil
You won't find God with vain curses like this
What use
Is mentioning His name to testify your deeds
I explained many times
That your sly tricks won't work here
As our eyes met
Your secrets spilled
What use
Is hiding the truth now?

The earth would die if the sun stopped kissing her
This heart is lost
At a place in between
I can't go to you
And I can't return to me
Taken residence in no man's land
My heart has rebelled on me

I saw the light inside your soul
Struggle against your body
Long bouts of dullness
Seeped into illness
Getting dimmer and dimmer
It blinked and flickered
and at times shone blindingly bright
Glowed.

I saw the life
Though your shell shuddered in pain
And your hair fell away
As your figure swayed
The longing to hold your grandchild
Lovingly kiss the soft cheeks
Ignoring that you were weak
and soothingly stroke the hair

I saw the telling wrinkles
Give away your secrets
Smile lines
and worry lines.
Twinkling eyes
Glazed over as you forgot who I am.

I saw you unwillingly give up trying
Your efforts in vain
Dragged down
Inevitably bed bound.

I saw the recognition
The realisation
The acceptance
In your spirit
and went through the refusal
The denial
Confusion and anger
Depression
And eventually a hard slap of
Reality.

When the bright lights in the distance
Become blinding orbs glaring at you
Your feet stuck on the tarmac
You should move, move a little faster
Fast flies out your mind
And what remains is

What is the worse that could happen?

When you're tired of dreaming of a new start
You don't even want one anymore
You don't want anything anymore
You don't care
You don't even dream anymore

I wonder where I'll be when you come for me
Will you steal me away in the dead of the night
Or will you send me a message before you arrive
Will there ever be a right time
Or would I embrace you like I've been waiting for this moment my whole life

Will I get a chance to say goodbye
Would it be rushed with loud cries
Or would I leave with a life fulfilled
In the arms of my love
And a smile on my face

I wonder if it would be painful
Sudden in the breeze on the concrete outside
The distant sound of sirens lulling me away
Or patiently savouring me slowly from the inside
One ***** at a time
A pinch of clips on my fingers, my heart beeping me out

Would it be panicked and rushed
Would I try to escape and run
Desperate to evade your advances
Then hopelessly succumb

Would I remember God
Would I call for him in that moment
Would I ask Him to save me
Or let you take me
So He can keep me safely in his gardens

I'd like to think I won't be afraid
I've always known it would happen
Yet I can feel fear choking me at just the thought
But if that's of the process or the destination
I guess I'll have to wait
Until it's my time to go

I am here
   You...                               are there
         Where is life?
Sleep never comes and memories never go
              It is like time has stilled
Staining all with a
L
   I
      n
        g
       e
      r
       I
         n
           g
            Sadness
An impatient wait for your presence
Days and nights may be spent in loneliness
But not life.
Despite wanting to I am unable to tell you,
How do I express my pain.
There was a time when we were always together
and when I am alone I remember the past,

Silence speaks for itself,
It has been a long time since I last
smiled
Now there is distance between us.
I am here
   You...                                  are there
          Where is life?

Cursing in an empty room
Praying in a full one
Heart in my stomach
I'm keeping it inside

Bite on my tongue
Anger on the brain
Hatred in my knuckes
A frown on my face

Quiet in the dark
Chest swells in the day
Impatient eyes
Days of doubt

Weakness in my legs
A dream at arms length
Regret at my heels
Sorrow in my soul

A thought crossed my mind today
I wonder who
Will accompany me
Into my new life

As I set off
As a bride
Who will be the driver
And who will sit by my side

Who will bid me farewell
Eat and be merry
Cry tears in my joy
Dance and hug me close

Who will wish me well
Pray that blessed
We remain
And fragrance my life like a rose

Who will stay
Who will leave
Who will be gone
Who would I need

Then simultaneously
Another thought
Trampled through
Who would lend me a shoulder

A shoulder to cry on
And a shoulder to carry
My body
As I truly leave

Who will be with me
Hold my hand
Close my eyes
And stroke my cheek

Whose tears will splash on my face
The warmth of the hugs
That would no longer touch me
As they weep

Who will be the first to forget
And who will be the last
To whisper goodbye
Who will pray

The prayers I will need
To save my soul
Who will plead in my favour
As I go to meet my creator

How strange is this world
Where happiness comes hand in hand with sorrow
Yet my breath is at ease
Everything is okay
My heart is uncomfortably content
I am the faithful cup bearer
In silence
I complain
Your name does not pass my lips
Tell me who could I tell
About what I felt within a day
My heart is a worshipper
And love is my confession
A destination I was not meant reach
My hand captured the night
But the day was bound to rise
I was lost
But now I am here
I am my own hope
These dark clouds are the poetry I see in the sky
Every chapter I turn of this book
I wonder
If maybe we have
Spilt our tears over the same page?

My heart was mine
Then it was yours
You gave it back
But that which was given never returned intact
Will ever again be given whole

You wrote me letters because they were a dying art
And you always tried to save things even the inanimate
Your beauty was in the way you cared
So much so you lost
And left yourself behind
Where your eyes spoke verses in the shadows concealed by smokey lids
But me I saw you retire in front of my eyes
And lingered on the line of sensitive and this is too personal
So I stood just behind the line
A coward with outstretched hands
But my feet stayed frozen
My lips weaved tales of perfect imperfections
Enticing you with a speech of warriors bravery and strength
Found in the centre of a paralysed heart
Is the goodness that was covered but never gone
And I remember walking with you to **** the time
Where adventure found us unplanned
I walked on
But who saved you?
All I know is that you're still superman
You're spiderman
You're batman
You are all those marvel superheroes you love
But I wish you weren't
I wish you were the villain
Who fought for his needs
Not the lone orphan of the world who hides a part of himself
Living as two different people
Helping others but struggling to keep your head above the waves
Who saves you?

Ask the sleeping stars
The flickering flame
For whom did they burn
Who did they set themselves alight for?
What hopes and dreams did they dance for
What desires kept them aflame
What happiness did they leave behind
In your name
Ask my heart
In the river of longing
Why did it drown?
Months and seasons went by
Revolving around you
Why did the sun refuse to appear?

Why does your heart dip
And the Earth tremble beneath your feet
When God is dangling above your breastbone
And frozen at your lips?
Why can't you sleep
And why do the sins of others worry you so
When the name of God is in your name
And the commands of God your script?

Give me a son with your soft heart
Or even your patience.
Give our children your wild curly hair
Or your open hearted smile.
So that even when we are gone, the world will find within them all of the reasons why I loved you.

She hates winter
How quickly the dark hides shadows
And rubs away the outline of things
But isn't it beautiful when the snow
Holds each footprint accountable?
Isn't it lovely how there's no pressure for anything to grow?
How lovers hold eachother closer
Winter is the breath proving its existence

I will bottle it up
And ***** the lid on tight
Bite my fingernails to oblivion
And slow dance to death
I can't help it
Every once in a while
It hurts like a new type of pain I've never felt before
And pushes me deeper into the pits of hell
I just want to lay down
And watch the cloud of smoke make a sky above my head
I want to fly away
But I run instead
Turn around and pretend it never happened
I practice stopping my heart beating in my chest
Paralyse my limbs from the toes upwards
Hold my breath and count to ten
Twirl like a madman until I'm dizzy and sick
I want to walk forever
Just me and the music
Let the cold take me
Numb and blue
I don't belong here
I don't know what I'm doing
In my head is where God lives
He has angels and they'll come to visit
I'm grieving for the sun
That does not miss me
I'm dying to be burned by its embers

It's hard to explain
When I don't understand it myself
But my heart mourns
That which it never had

I miss what was not mine
From the stories I heard
Of the personality you had
My over active mind

Conjures up experiences I've never felt
I swear I've met you
A few nights when I closed my eyes
We conversed beliefs and talked all night

Long after I opened my eyes
You stayed with me in the lull of life
I loved someone I never knew
To this day

My fate I rue
For I wish I had known you
Met such a wonder
Had you been in my life

It would have been a blessing

He's the feeling that I can't name
the daydreams that lure me into a future I create
with words that don't fit
he's the only sound I can hear
the scent soaked in my skin
in every sigh I inhale
he's everything I wish was mine

It's hard to explain
when I don't understand it myself
but in this story
I miss you like you're not already mine
and my heart feels like stone
as though you're not wrapped tightly in my arms
I miss you so much it hurts to breathe
in this story it feels like I'm watching you through a telescope
from afar
gazing at you through a busy array of stars
I'm in the dark
longing to be besides you
the brightest light
I smile and you smile back
I wish you were here

In this moment let me grieve
I know nothing without her
It's not unhealthy to cry until I can't anymore
To hear the hitch in my breath and the loud sobs I'm not trying to repress
I have to let her out
I have to destruct to let her go
And put myself together again

Perhaps it would have been better to let go whilst we were still whole
To lose something beautiful and cherished
Than to break piece my piece
And watch what we had
Turn sour in our hands

Now I'm just another defeated lover
Watching the world move on

without us