Let it not be perfect
May we be flawed
And quarrel
Lest covet gazes linger

I am beware
Of aesthetic
Wary of too good
Being lost in the shout

Pray my love be private
Felt not seen
Hidden not absent
Whispered like secrets in the cover of night

Such ease
Such mercy
Belongs not on this land
I am scared of the illusion

Only in Eden
Should there be the love of heavens
Where no jealousy lies
Nor a grief in sight

I want to wake to disagreements
And fall asleep making up
I want ill planned good intentions
And of course a few ***** ups

I want to fix it together
Believe there's nothing we can't conquer
Laughs and tears
I want with you many many years

There may be a shaky path
But I want undoubted love
Trialling, testing but not a breakable wrath
Not one of dreams, I want reality love

We are like a pomegranate
Sweet sometimes sour
Slow to peel
Thick skins
Hard to digest
We come apart bit by bit
Gently
Lest we squash under the pressure
And all the lovely juice go to waste
There's so many seeds
Of love, care, secrets and doubts
So many fears
Grit between our teeth
Mother we are exotic
And foreign
Expensive yet stubbornly brown in the sun
Refusing to be sold
For price has no meaning
Loyalty does
We colour the ones who are worthy
Bold and bright
The hues of a rose

Mum I grew up
My worries are taller than the mountains
And my fault in life is plenty
My dreams have been stifled
And my heart is heavy
Behind these eyes
I hide my pain
My brain resists the telling of my heart
Of knocking your door at night; and crying.

In the dreamy and ***** labor of my imagination
I imagine and reimagine us in every light
I gasp
and you sing back all the things I crave
While I write a duet with my tongue on your neck
The distinction of right and wrong
has always been a question of fire
It burns in my blood
and throbs in my body as you hover above me
And my heart relocates between my legs
You've become a hymn on my lips
An obsession
Which turns into panic
The moment you leave the cradle of my arms
I still can't figure out why
Without you
Time collapses
And in my heart there is an unripe grief
Soft and slowly rotting
Until your hips can fit onto mine
Until my lips can swear upon the firm softness of your skin
And claim you as mine
Call it love
But I call it dangerous
A terrifying risk
Of ruining everything
For a few stolen moments of time
We will not get what we want this way
And I want it more than anybody
I want to fly with you and keep flying
I want my hands to knot in your hair
Like roots making you my home
I want each time we kiss full on the mouth to be tender and bold
With possession
Not like a haven we desperately built with crumbling chalk

Writing something
Isn't the same as living it
And so I stopped writing

For the first time ever
I want time to slow down
I want it to gently whisk us along
And I don't want to think  
For me
You'll always be the most beautiful person in any room
No matter that you're already mine
I'll still want win your heart
Over and over again
And relish every moment
Of every future
That belongs to us

It was my fault
I waited for you on the porch
With the lights off
And hoped you would find your way home

Oh my beloved motherland
Tell me of you?
I used to sing in the wind
And pray upon shooting stars
Tell me of the springs
Does it still adorn you with luscious green?
Oh my beloved homeland
Do the poppies still bloom?
I've become a lonesome river finding my way to the sea
I've become lost to myself
Every day is a suffering torment
Until I can return to you
And bemoan to you every torture and lament
This body of mine
Shakes in the cold wind
It creaks inside these mouldy walls
And pales in the dusk which arrives before the sun

You pulled me towards you
And I came undone
Like I was waiting all my life
For the calling of your heartbeat
I came scattered
Went against the world
And pulled pieces of myself away
But to you I arrived whole
And you waited like a body without a soul
Like you always knew
My destination would always be you

Your problem was
That you knew too much
It was the first time I saw
Knowledge destroy a man
You had a heart
And the world didn't make sense
There was no logic nor reason
It was too fast paced
You had been through too much
Seen what no one should have to see
Lost more than anyone could imagine
This life had given you pain and suffering
With endless turmoil
Not even a promise of it ending
Nor a glimmer of hope
The problem was that you drew all the short straws
Had all the bad luck
And none of it was your own fault
Not a single soul to hold to account
No one that could bring it all back
Your problem was that you couldn't turn it off
That you couldn't leave the past
That you couldn't unhear
Unlearn
Unsee
In a world where we all turn blind eyes
Ignore what does not please
We deliberately avoid the knowledge
What we don't know
Can't hurt us
Nor can we be held accountable
Enough to be pacified
But you
You hunted the truth
Chased it like a hound
And even when you didn't like the taste
You swallowed it whole
And it poisoned you against living in a world of monsters

The night is arrogant in its possession of the moon
I have the innocent dreams of a sinner
There's a moon of my own
With whom I met by chance
How beautiful is God's mercy
The undeserved deprived of waiting
Maybe I had faught with some past memories
And swore not to make any more
I watch from a distance
Smile for his existence
Let the light in his eyes
Carry my heart
To a future I am powerless to deny

Why does your heart dip
And the Earth tremble beneath your feet
When God is dangling above your breastbone
And frozen at your lips?
Why can't you sleep
And why do the sins of others worry you so
When the name of God is in your name
And the commands of God your script?

I'm sorry
That I let the pain
Twist me into someone new
Someone wrung out and tired
Wary hearted
Using distance as protection
But I was once fooled
For my love was turned into a social scandal
Mocked
And demoralised
Desires turned into
Whispered taboos
My devotion
Became a mark of shame
My trust
A sign of weakness
Everything I was became a story of pity
So I blamed myself
Changed myself
Became as cold as the heart he gave me

What are you made of
You cold hearted *****
He roared
And I didn't even blink
Long after he left the room
I whispered
Heartbreak
Pain
And chaos
I've tamed that girl that used to cry
The wild animal that would whimper
I controlled it
Made it strong
Buried her deep deep down inside
She doesn't even try to surface
I no longer see the point in crying over things
I can't control
I took the tears and froze them
For they are nothing but a useless reaction
Just like the noise of anger
And the withering of heartbreak
So I chose to become a statue
Sometimes this thing in my chest
It does things I no longer recognise
It makes me feel so strange inside
But it's been so long since I gave these things the honour of a name
I let them pass like the way I release breaths
Silently
Secretly
Without being acknowledged

Running
I like running
Her words whispered into the cold night air
Releasing the fog around her brain
And after that stumble they came tumbling out
It's easy you know
To put distance behind you
It's my favourite thing to do
Its funny how a misunderstanding could help you understand more than you were ever supposed to
For I imagined her
Turning her back
Moving on and starting again
I thought she meant running like me
....like me
That's what I do
I run
But she always returned back to the start
I never did

How strange is this world
Where happiness comes hand in hand with sorrow
Yet my breath is at ease
Everything is okay
My heart is uncomfortably content
I am the faithful cup bearer
In silence
I complain
Your name does not pass my lips
Tell me who could I tell
About what I felt within a day
My heart is a worshipper
And love is my confession
A destination I was not meant reach
My hand captured the night
But the day was bound to rise
I was lost
But now I am here
I am my own hope
These dark clouds are the poetry I see in the sky
Every chapter I turn of this book
I wonder
If maybe we have
Spilt our tears over the same page?

Ask the sleeping stars
The flickering flame
For whom did they burn
Who did they set themselves alight for?
What hopes and dreams did they dance for
What desires kept them aflame
What happiness did they leave behind
In your name
Ask my heart
In the river of longing
Why did it drown?
Months and seasons went by
Revolving around you
Why did the sun refuse to appear?

It felt like clinging to the mast
of a tiny boat
in a storm stricken sea
We lay naked
penitent
and punished
Like the depictions of atoning sinners
The truck jostled
and hurled our bruised skin against eachothers
When they found us
it was cold and dark
Stood in the open plain space
we shivered
as tendrils of panic escaped in whimpers
in bodies
huddling together
trying not to be seen as one
When I could finally speak
It was a tangle of words
They fell confusingly
some desperate to escape
some of them trying to hide
All of them needing to be heard
but too embarassed to be seen
From that moment on
the distance between all humans would become vast
At some point silence will stretch between us
and I'll always feel all alone
Some would say that I have disconnected from reality
but I had connected too much

I've grown allergic to mornings
of absent welcomes
the ones where I come alive
conscious to your existence before my lids open
only to face a reality of you not being here

To the housewife,
the unsung hero of the home,
always busy, never alone.

Your work is never done,
yet you wear a smile, not a moan.
Your love and care is second to none,
as you tend to everyone.

You juggle a million tasks,
with grace and poise, no need to ask.
You are the glue that holds it all together,
through sunny days and stormy weather.

Your worth cannot be measured,
in dollars or possessions,
for it is immeasurable,
in the love and affection you impart to all.

So here's to the housewife,
the heart of the home,
forever loved and admired,
never left alone.

I know my success chokes in your throat
I know my happiness burns your eyes
I know evil things labelled with love
And people who want my demise
I hear the words you use to disguise
The past you have with me
And how you shove the rewritten version into the world
At an attempt to hide all things vile
You think I have forgotten?
That I believe your lies?
But I let you spin your tale
And choose to keep you nearby
So I can see your traps in front of me
And side step everytime

She learnt from a young age
How to be a genius of sadness
To allow it to come
And let it take it's course
To not fight
Nor run away
But to brave herself
And meet it head on
For there was a blessing in disguise
Could one learn how to heal
If they've never been hurt?
Healed people
Heal people
She took pain and cushioned it within her chest
Then with it she weathered the storm
Although her eyes knew not how to conceal
Her mouth rose to the occasion
So when sadness seeks her out
She makes no excuses
And keeps all its secrets
Her faith was infinite

Yesterdays walk with me
Lick my wounds
Remind me of words I don't want to remember
Shelter my present with echoes of loving whispers
Those in passing
Make me laugh
Laugh at me
Make me ashamed
Scare me in my dreams
Stop me from doing things
I have taken the path of a cursed woman
What of my words now?
What of a goal? Woebegone all that is not you
It would be a lie to say that I don't still ache for you
That my life will not pass in suffering
What of the soul I sold
For the magic of us felt too much to not believe in?

I asked questions which did not have answers
And befriended those who could not keep relations
I died in his eyes
But swallowed them whole
To live in the refraction
That caught me in them

If lies had shape it would be the curve in his smile
The brightness of his teeth
He was the growling of fire
Whilst I was the silence of ashes

If a portrait:
then only the kind you won't see in the mirror.
If a house: then not too warm
lest there be reluctance in leaving.
If plans:
then only those which can be changed.
If belongings:
then just so much that can be carried.
When the time comes to leave,
who told you that you are permitted to keep what you own?
To settle in?
Who told you that it would last forever?
Did no one ever tell you,
that nowhere in this world
is home?

I. Pride

He claims he loves God
He bows down many times a day
But his tongue is quicker than his brain
He loves what the gossip says

II. Greed

He gives to charity with both hands
Cos that's what his religion says
He makes sure all eyes are on him
So he gets public praise

III. Wrath

Charming and polite
They think he's a family man
But behind closed doors
The devil is his number one fan

IV. Envy

He preaches
He condemns
Speaks out against sin
But there's no one he'll defend

V. Sloth

Study circles and sermons
He plans all the dates
Fundraisers and events
They always start late

VI. Lust

Short skirts and plunging necklines
He abhorrenly hates
Vehemently protests
Yet head to toe doth his eyes rake

VII. Gluttony

Feasts of kings
He is thankful to God before he tastes
The blessing before him
To this testifies his waist

God left
And the silence is a trembling hush
This was not the peace I asked for
But He doesn't reply
There's a quiet in my heart
It's too quiet
Like a meadow turned graveyard
A fatal abscess
Worship became a map I could not read
And God
Well he was in my heart
And he's still in me somewhere
I carry him
Like the taste of prayer
Which hangs off my tongue like passion fruit
I desire to suffocate my longing for temporary things
I want to starve how human I've become
Busy in the clicking, sleeping in the day
French painting my nails highlighting all ten useless moons
Forgive me Lord
I have misplaced my hunger for heaven
Forgive me my Lord
I remember you taught us that hunger was a gift that sweetens the meal
I have starved myself of your angels
And I'm wanting to break my fast
Let me plummet but not drown
Let me propel and soar but not be breathless
Let me worship
And God please find me
Catch my prayers and let me feel like I've been found again
Show me I was wrong to leave but You never did

Shower me not
With gifts of extravagance
Don't drip me with gold

I ask not for my closet to be filled
Or crisp notes to line my pockets
No matter the occasion

Your kindness is easy
Your giving is much
Much not needed

Give if you must
I'd rather you understand
Give me your patience

And if that were to run out
Gift me respect
And appreciation

But if those are not amongst your gifts
If it is beyond your ability
Above your reach

Then gift me time
With your absence
I will lavish with self respect

To what do I owe this grief
To whom do I point my finger
I have no solution
Or reverse spell

From whom do I collect my debt
From where do I rewrite my fate
Call it madnes
A believer becoming faithless

Tell me where will I find my heart
The cure to my blindness
I offer my blood in sacrifice
My soul for his life

He says our religion is the same
But I am not what he is
He claims I don't have much knowledge
But I know he does not practice what he preaches
He shows me scriptures and Qur'an verses
To prove his point
He doesn't show me the ones about love
Forgiveness
And being a good person
No
He tells me about punishment and death
About the hellfire that is licking at my heels
He points to me and
Tells me of a God I have not known
This God sounds strict
Unmerciful
Oppressive
He condemns me
Extradites me out of the fold
But I am not scared
I am sure
If Islam is what he is
Then I don't want to be apart of it

You were the wrong guy
Who said all the right things
You knew how to cut me loose
And I spread like a wildfire
Flew higher and faster
Simply because I didn't know how to stop
But when you asked for my heart
I told you
I could not give you something which was no longer mine
It belongs to someone else

There are sorrows
That rip me apart in silence.
Ones I can't bring to my lips.
For they would blame me,
Like I had a choice
To feel this way.
I chose you
Not knowing the grief it would bring

Sometimes I wish I can run away
Go missing
Disappear
Sometimes just for a few hours
Other times for days
When my head starts to hurt
And the people get too much
I don't want to be seen
Perhaps I'll be by myself
Perhaps I'll meet people that don't make me spin
Don't make me overthink
Don't repeat the same **** thing

Could there be a me without you
It would be like a mosque without a minaret
A church without pews
A bar without beer

The greedy dig their own grave with their teeth
Torso and cheek into the mud
Until there's nothing more than blood
And alabaster bone fragments
They don't want anything that can be given or taken
It has to be found
The greedy seek to lay claim
In public
And own in private
The greedy aren't needy
They want
And that's all that matters

Her words were like teaspoons of ice
Which unhurriedly snuffed out the fire brewing within his chest
He fought back tears of frustration
As the desire for revenge filled his lungs
And painfully ripped through his jaw
The hands lazily ticked by unaware of their importance to deescalate the situation
The night cheered in manipulation
Providing security
Not secrecy
And so the devil hastened
Refusing to open the door to understanding
Pride stood blocking the entrance of dejection
Thoughts scattered in a volcano of hot anger
He erupted in a display
That only ever needs to be seen once
To have a reputation

There's light inside me
My heart pumps to it
You see my heart
It's good
But the hands
My hands are sinful
They reach for you
And you hang onto my past
More than I
I am willing to let go
To forget
To grow
But your gaze always starts at my roots
And they are sprouted in hell

She is a creature of soft nature
Gentle and kind
So quick to give
Even quicker to forgive
She likes peace and solitude
She likes calm and quiet
So she never complains
Or argues
Existing in the plain
She is agreeable
Malleable
Mellow
Mild
She smiles all the time
But this smile is nothing special
She is miserable
But turns the other cheek
Not able to raise her voice
Not loud enough
Not defiant
Not persistent
She dreams
Not of rebellion
Or deviance
No
Even her dreams are of harmony
Of being understood
Through the look in her eyes
The dreams they hold
Her dreams are of tranquility
Silly girl
With her head in the clouds
Dewy eyed and trustful
This world will chew you up and spit you out