I have laid awake more times than I care to share
The world has passed me like a stranger
I watch myself from second person
And everytime I cross the road I glitch in the middle
For a long time I thought it was fear
Until I realised it was regret
I stand and stare at the cars whizzing by
And I wonder why I was left behind
Had it been me behind the wheel
And had I known that impact is not immediate nor physical
I would have returned
I would have wanted to reverse and finish the job
Instead of leaving a soul lingering
With no answers
Or closure
Or a way forward

He wasn't the Yin to my Yang
No
We danced on eachother's toes
Everytime we were together
He pushed my boundaries
And drove me to the edge of madness
But I craved the competitiveness
Hungered for the challenge
I wanted to bathe in his sins and wickedness
Because there were times when we both wanted the same thing
Tame moments of looking into eachother's eyes and putting the darkness to sleep
There are times when being with him feels like being pulled out of the ocean
And seeing him makes everything else but us seem like a blur

I dreamt of a feast
In the warmth of the sun
That made my mouth drool
And my eyes water
The scent clouded my mind
So tempting
I didn't even try to resist
Didn't even wait for an invite
Instead in full consciousness
I leant forward with both hands
And gorged
Indulged more that I should have
I stuffed my mouth with delicacies
And moaned aloud at the ******* flavours
Utter bliss
With complete abandonment
I didn't slow down
Until my belly ached
And my jaw grew tired
Uncontrollably I took more than my fill
Until I became nauseated
Dizzy
And my body slumped
I sat panting
Stomach bloated
Hands stained with the evidence
Each inhale squashed against my organs
This time I moaned for different reasons
Turning away from the morsels which remained
Their sight now offending me
Loud and booming
I heard the call to prayer
Telling me to hurry
And I remember lying there
Filled with sheer dread
Skin clammy with a sheen of sweat
Daunted with the reality
That I was supposed to be fasting
Supposed to be abstaining
Early that morning I had made an oath to God
And I had broken it
A wail broke out from my mouth
At the horror
Of my sins
All the while
My brain chanted
Again and again
Eve had only eaten an apple

Trace the shadows of where the joy in the journey still thirsts inside you
Taste the red truth in the ribbon of your tongue
I want you to see the cloak over the song of your heart
Isn't it a mercy that the city is unaware of your dreams?
I'd tell you there's freedom in the way your future lingers as it walks the aisle
And it can meet only you
So don't be discouraged
If the night sets
And the dawn comes
Time and time again
Want only the sky
The heavens will open
For they were made for you

She hates winter
How quickly the dark hides shadows
And rubs away the outline of things
But isn't it beautiful when the snow
Holds each footprint accountable?
Isn't it lovely how there's no pressure for anything to grow?
How lovers hold eachother closer
Winter is the breath proving its existence

I tell you my body is loosening at its seams
I feel my youth leaving me
Was it your doing or was it fate's?
I was once as gold as honey
The same gold as wildfire
I am a book
Whose pages your have read over and over again

Sometimes the thought of you flits across my mind
And I swear I can hear the happiness in my grin
I can feel my heart elevate to pour out of my mouth
Like a song only I could know

I wrote a poem about love
I'm too scared to share
Lest the reader gets jealous
And jinxes my lover
I wrote a poem worth stealing
But I'm protective of it
I'll not have your observant gaze
Look beyond the words and into my life
Rather you accuse me of lies
Than to tamper with my truth
I'm possessive
Of my love
He's for my eyes only
.
You
.
Can have this instead

The temples and mosques are burning
Where are the worshippers?
Jai Shree Ram
Allah Hu Akbar
When they leave in search of a heaven
That can be found in blood stains
Where are the Gods?
So when the faithful lose their way
When the pure turn away
When the innocent give up
Who will buy into the pundits and Imaams
If the heaven of others is through the death of their brothers?

My friend
My well-wisher
Do not curse me
With a long life
Do not make this prayer
Leave me in my state
I am a widow of love
Let this poison **** me quickly
Do not drag out my pain

There are truths that are yet to be learnt
The ones that are written into every atom of this world
Like the shadows that will always belong to you no matter how much you don't recognise them
That I am yours and you are mine
We are a whisper that will shatter the silence
And ripple years into the future

I am trying to tell you
The world is beautiful
That you have forgotten something very important
Like quiet mornings
And the smell of a home cooked meal
Light traffic
And the wind against your face
You live in a land of
Hypothetical myths
Contained in scenes set in libraries
The idea of heaven
Does not mean there are things in this world you could never bring yourself to love
Heaven is a place of all your favourite things on Earth

I want you
And I know for now
You are nothing more than a dream
A spirit
An idea
I gift myself the imagination of our future
You are the letters that become this poem
And I throw all the dictionaries in a fire and name you my language

You're immature
Stubborn
And a quitter
Everything I didn't think you were
If I had seen these traits I would have turned my feet around the moment I met you

Like the tears of a prisoner at night
I miss you in private
Behind closed doors
And shut eyelids
I miss you like the dreams of the poor
That never go further than the roof of my house
It's been years
And my sounds have been silenced
Like a radio left on
Whilst you sleep
They think I have forgotten you
Like the death of a bird
Or a flower in the snow
But only I know
Of the void between my words
And the coldness of my fingertips

It's was like you smoked a cigarette
On the front porch of my heart
As though you never meant to stay
You put it out with your foot
And my heart howled like an animal
Constricting like it would be able to keep you here
But with that the light was gone
So I lay in a dark corner
After that every hand I reached out to
Felt cold
And the light never came back

Nothing sung in the covers of the night
Has made it out alive
There is no such thing as lying awake in peace
I think of how
I can be written into the lines of your palms
And that the sound of forever could be your voice
I think of putting my breath in another's body
Of trusting my name in his mouth
I think of being careful with you
Of doing everything right
So that we can see just how many heavens
Were made for us

Sometimes I wonder, if you could
What it take for you to rise with happiness
And together for us to dance on your grave?
What misery ailed you so much
That you swayed to your own demise?
To suffer is a turn in life
But even after you died, did you truly find peace?
Because I didn't

I miss you in a way that makes my heart ache
Yet here I am like a willow tree
That has died whilst standing
Even when I am alone
I do not belong to myself
For you have a place within the wilderness
Seeking the burial
Of my beautiful fate

Let the graves of the unfaithful be full
Let the Earth be heavy with the deceitful
Why should I relieve this burden?

Give me a son with your soft heart
Or even your patience.
Give our children your wild curly hair
Or your open hearted smile.
So that even when we are gone, the world will find within them all of the reasons why I loved you.

How was I supposed to not pine for what I once had?
I had someone who lifted me up like a prayer
I had everything that other people dreamt of
How was I supposed to live in the present when the past was so much better?
They told me to move on
Because she had
But they don't know that I had known for a while
The way she sang had changed
She started singing like one would at a funeral
Like she was telling someone else's secrets
I knew she'd get out the front door and disappear
But I won't go to find her
I don't believe in losing ones you love
They're always just there
Not lost
Not needing to be found
People just change
And maybe that was worse than losing her

This one's for the nights that turned into mornings
The ones I never thought would arrive
The sunrises which crept in slowly as I drove towards them
And the ones that crashed through my window as I slept through their brilliance
This one's for the painful nights of no sleep
Ones where the fire burned through my veins
When my muscles twitched and my legs spasmed
And the restless nights when ghosts long passed came for a visit
This one is to acknowledge the nights
And take each one as it comes

It was
a little love
a little helplessness
I threw my life away
What kind of man was I?
a person killed me and left me alive
But I gave up on life
there was a person who came and went like a season
but I was not a farmer who could save a dying land
I was not a boat who could sail the storm
I wish everyone could know
that I am open truth
what kind of man was I?
to hold that stranger close to me I had to embrace the crowd
to stop the reminder of the unfaithful
I've had to raise my hands to the mirror
What kind of man was I?
I've had to die
to prove that I was alive

I have been built from a mother's sighs
and the blame of being a woman
Moulded by history
And all its broken pieces
I have been taught to carry them all
To feel their weight
And I did
Until I came apart like Jenga blocks
Piece by piece
Then all at once
Until it all was too much to hold
Even then
My tongue was supposed to be a refuge for secrets
I was to fear banishment
And pay heed to omens
Yet I have never wished to inherit anyone but myself
A monster of my own making
Ripping holes in the night
I was born for exile
To die
And be remembered
Not like a ghost on the shelf
But like the tears of the grateful
Like the roots of a plant which was displaced
And still it bloomed over and over again

I spoke a lot before you,
You weren’t my first words.
I wrote a lot before you,
You weren’t my first poems.
I read a lot before you,
You weren’t my first story.
I bled a lot before you,
You weren’t my first wound.
Many were interested before you,
You weren't the first in line.
The difference between you and those who came before you,
Is that I was their death,
And you were mine

When I wished for us upon a shooting star,
I wonder where it went?
Do you know what a shooting star is?
A clump of dust
That's all that falls from the sky
But dust gives birth to trees
Do you remember the trunks we carved our names into?
I wish we had held onto eachother the way the roots of those trees held onto the ground
Our names, once a lover's poem
Became nouns decorated into bark

Hell hath no fury
Like the ruthless waters of motherhood
The wrath of a parent
Stands on knife's edge
She will be brutal with her mercy
And impatient with all lies
But never forget
Without her love and compassion
One could never prosper
Or rise
Seek the bearer of your happiness
Live in the blessings of her shade
A day will come where you wish
Towards her you made haste

Red was not the colour of the water
But pain was something we were used to
It was the way it was
And we didn't question it
Because that was all we ever knew
The day you died because you wanted to
I found my way to God
Every question that I had was a grave I could not dig
Imagine choosing
To go to the other side
Not knowing what awaited you
Just that it was not here
Resilience itself is such a terrible thing to celebrate
And patience is a fraudulent art to praise
We look past the people who rest in pretense
But die every dawn
Yet they're the ones we mourn
What good is knowing a person's pain
And letting it sift through your fingers
Like soft, precious sand
Instead of sharp stabbing shards
Until there is no more weakness
In unhinging
And picking yourself apart
Could you give yourself away
Without losing a part of you?
And if that person dies
A part of you does too
So perhaps some of you is already on the other side
And when there's more of you over there
Than here
You just want to go too

When you went gently into the dark night
And left me stranded
Could you hear the torment you left me in
You saw the light and followed it
But left me blind
Tell me what did I gain from loving you
All you had to give was hope
And hope is a heartache
I don't want anymore