Could there be a me without you
It would be like a mosque without a minaret
A church without pews
A bar without beer

There's a song
That reminds me of you
Everytime it plays
I'm taken back to the good old days
It's like I can picture it with my eyes open
How your hand would move to the volume button on the stereo
The sound would flood your car
And you would tell me you loved this song
I'd say I know
And from both our lips
In sync the lyrics would flow
Heads bobbed
And arms raised
Like marionettes we performed a routine
Even though we no longer speak
There's always going to be this song
That reminds me of you
And my hand will move to the volume button
And I will sing it like a memorial
My body will move like a puppeteer controlling it
I will dance a ritual that was never broken

You were the wrong guy
Who said all the right things
You knew how to cut me loose
And I spread like a wildfire
Flew higher and faster
Simply because I didn't know how to stop
But when you asked for my heart
I told you
I could not give you something which was no longer mine
It belongs to someone else

I have hated you since the mention of your mere existence
Held an enimity against you in my heart like an obsessive compulsive disorder
I have despised your very being
The one who holds my future
Whom my dreams and desires shall be entrusted to
The person who holds the key to the decisions I should make
A husband
You have been tied to words like permission and submission
Not love nor admiration
You are the cage to my past and present
The prison of a future
I am destined to experience
From the moment of birth
Squeezed, suffocated into a box
And the only time of release
would be until another box would lower me down
Only now aged like wine
I think of the poison I was fed
How my brain was tied and folded
Pressed down
And made small
So that it could fit for everyone around me
I wonder if I am an anomaly
I have grown into me
Not what he would like me to be
The damage was undone
When you became part of the solution

Her hopes and dreams
Always lay in
One day
The day she gets out
The day she finds salvation
So she became a runner
Every hurdle every mountain
She ran through every fire
Seeking happines
Pursuing freedom
Everytime she thought she had it
Suddenly
It would explode before her very eyes
Without reason
Without fault
Everyone and everything was always out to get her
But one day perhaps not today
I'll be strong she'd say
I'll be happy and free
Independent and me
Until time slowed her down
And running was no longer an option
One day
Not today
But perhaps a day
Where only my body remains
My mind will cease
I'll stop running
There would be nothing to flee
When she speaks of that day
Not a grimace on her face
Nor a tear in her eye
No
She awaits it like prayer to be answered
With hope
With love
Like a sure solution
To this damnation

It's a cold and lonely place
Hard and merciless
Unforgiving and cruel
But most of all numb
With darkness
No pain
No pleasure
Certainly not any care
We're like peas in a pod
But that's all we share

She ran with fury at her feet
Like ghouls chase her
Her punches diligent
Sharp words nipped my skin
Her eyes shot daggers
This girl
Was a force to be reckoned with
Sky high walls of indifference
She protected herself like a maximum security prison
But at the bar
I'd seen the silence
Race down her cheeks
I saw the way she pulled her sleeves over her fingers
She hugged me tight
Then turned away like a stranger
Her eyes skimmed over to me
One last time
And I stood alone
Staring after her
Like a devotee in the wine cellar
So I drank
Like a ruined man
A man who set himself on fire
Made an enemy out of everything that was not her
I drowned myself in liquor
Until death came knocking
But even that couldn't pull me away
For she sat in every vein

My knees kissed the ground
So many years of ignorance
And it was the first time God spoke to me
I held onto you
Both arms and legs
Wrapped around like I could hold you
Tight
Close
Forever in my arms
As long as I could feel you
You would be here with me
I buried my face into your hair
Let my lips touch your neck
I squeezed you and felt you burrow closer
Your fingers pressed into my back
I felt your soft shallow breaths in my ear
We left no space for anyone to come between us
To try and part us
Until you became limp like a ragdoll
My lips felt cold against your skin
I felt heavy with dead weight
Your name poured out my eyes
Then they came to take the body away
And you slipped right through my fists

God

He must exist
You were mine
But you always belonged to him

We were hopeful fools
To think that your broken could heal mine
To want eachother to be our reason for life
To explore the ruins of our souls
And try to turn ashes into treasure
We were infatuated with the geography of our scars
How truly delirious we were
To try and make them a gallery of art
There are wounds inside of us
Far more painful than anything that ever bleeds
We have shadows that cling to our skins
Like a rotten stench
Yet here we sit
Like flies
King of the dump
Scuttling in search of happy endings

Don't look back
And give me false hope my beloved
Don't pity that
Which you are leaving behind
Don't leave my heart floating
Don't leave me mid air
Drown me
Bury me
Smash me to smithereens
Tell me it's over
Over for good
Be brutal
Be wild
Be merciless
So it's final
I want it solid
Don't call me when it gets lonely
Don't tell me that you miss me
How you still want us to be friends
Cut me off
And throw me far away
Somewhere where neither of us can find the other
To **** to ruins once again

When I chose you
They tried to persuade me with words
Threatened to cut me off
Then told me to *******
And never look back
They stared me in the eye
And said for them I had died
How easy it was for them
To break all ties
As though my heart was not enough
To keep you all in it
They decided that I was not to be shared
It became all or nothing
So I chose you
Made you my whole world
And everything in it

You pulled me towards you
And I came undone
Like I was waiting all my life
For the calling of your heartbeat
I came scattered
Went against the world
And pulled pieces of myself away
But to you I arrived whole
And you waited like a body without a soul
Like you always knew
My destination would always be you

Once I went to a place
Where the sky was azure
And the water a turquoise jewel
Botanical trees so lush and green
A calming breeze soothed across the skin
Like a blanket of peace
And I wondered if this is on Earth
A landscape of this world
Then what must paradise be like?
It is said to be beyond what anyone can imagine
Dear Almighty
Let heaven not forsake me
Let it not forbid me
Nor spit me out
Reject me after the trials of my life are over
Let me not reach the end of this tunnel
To never enter the light
It is You who knows best my Lord
For if heaven was easy to enter
There would be littered bodies
Of willing sacrifice
To sit along the rivers of wine
And enjoy eternal youth and beauty
Where there is no thirst nor hunger
To be amongst the company of Angels
And the best of nations, tribes, people and tongues
Standing before Thy throne
Where Messiahs have awaited
Enjoying eternal salvation

Hour by hour
She checks her Insta
Posts a new picture
With a Snapchat filter
If it doesn't receive any compliments
It's not good enough
Every morsel is captured
For her followers
Praised by the likes
And screenshots
Wouldn't be seen dead
Without her makeup
Clothing
It's got to be designer
Membership at the gym
To show off her trainers
Trails through pages
Like a maniac
Can't help but compare
And want what she's got
Her house is big
Her boyfriend is handsome
Her friends are cool
Her family supportive
She needs a new car
The latest Apple product
A holiday
To an exotic location
The trolls are cruel
She can't be seen with you
Her lips too thin
Her nose too big
Searching for surgeries to fix the double chin
Without the screen
Her life is meaningless
She's addicted to social media
Depressed and anxious
Jealous and bitter
She's too deep under water
To see you trying to save her

Fajr passed by as I slept on
Zuhr was lost in a day's work
Asr got skipped as I sipped my tea
Maghrib flew by as I photographed the sunset
Isha was added to the forgotten list
And there I lay at night tossing and turning
Wondering why peace escapes me?

Your company is enchanting
Filled with enlightenment
We steer our conversations to God
And the ultimate goal of heaven

I love it when we get together
Each of us a confesssor
Tell stories and fables
That will make us better

The recipes we share
Are one size fits all
Patience
And perseverance

Gratitude
And humbleness
Empathy for others
Let love for God govern us

We meet away from the billboards
Hidden from greed
When the sun is rising
Where God summons us

Your company leaves me refreshed
A great reminder for the days to come
I leave you shining
Always a positive outcome

I am afraid of the defiantly disobedient
How they infiltrate with ignorance
Do not reason nor listen
Turn away and take you further with them

They openly declare war with God
Challenge his commandments
Play the devil's advocate
On the front pew they're standing

I fear the hypocrites
How they leave you in despair
Pointing fingers of judgements
Of their own sins they do not declare

I am scared of the influence
Worried about my weakness
Doubt the strength
To put distance between us

There's another world in all the backspace
It's where the words tied by tongue reside
Fingers which threaten to reveal
Secrets that the eyes hide

That's why it checks read
And hours later comes the reply
Hopeful and hesitant
The heart still wants to try

Thumbs restrain
And backspace all the lines
Easier going back in time
Reluctant to go forward

To rock the boat
To chase the dream
Write your heart
And press send

When I caught feelings for you
It was like a virus
An infection that spread
Out of control
Once it was in my bloodstream
It was impossible to purify
My body betrayed me
Everything about you corrupted my mind
It took me a while to accept it
I was in denial of the illness
Rejected the possibility
That I could be sick for you
That I'd want you
Even when I didn't want to
How my brain would glitch on every conversation
Hang onto every word
My eyes would notice every dip, crook and curve of your skin
I want to count your freckles
I want our skin to touch
I want to see your eyelashes rest against your cheek every morning
When I caught feelings for you
I surrendered to the flames
Be it the beginning or the end
Just be it with you

Have you seen the way I look at you
Can you read the thoughts in my mind
Do you feel how my hand lingers
Just a little longer against your spine

Do you know how much I love you
How often for you I pine
Can you hear the wish in my voice
That I want you to be mine

When you died
It was weeks before the sun shone again
It was as if the sky mourned your loss
It roared in anger
The clouds darkened in respect
I passed through motions
That felt like alternate realities
But nothing felt real
I could still see you on the sofa
In your chair in the garden
Whenever I walked through the front door
I still shouted you a hello
I'd walk through to the kitchen
Then realise you're not there
You're not anywhere
Yet I'd still walk to your bedroom
In a disbelieving trance
Just to check
Just in case
And I'd see your empty bed
Your room still has all your furniture
But it's all an empty space
Everywhere feels empty now
Even the places I've never seen you in
I walk to work
And see a calendar
Months have passed since
I'm still alive
I'm still here
And I'm still walking
Everyone around me is doing just the same
Life
It didn't stop
Nor pause
Time
It carries me forward
Further away from you
My mind
It can no longer picture you properly
My heart
An empty cavity

Hayat
She is my daydreamer
The girl that wandered far but never away
Closed her eyes and relaxed her body
"I'm so happy" she would whisper
An utterance that would appreciate the moment
Hayat
She taught me to breathe consciously
To find peace within me
I learned to be content with the sky
And it's moods
Because of Hayat
I waited for time
Hayaat
She taught me how to smile
How to loosen my shoulders
And put a skip in my steps
When it felt like things are going wrong
My life, her forehead would touch my back
She would splay her fingers across my lungs
Bir nefes yeter
She would say
One breath is enough
Yavaşça
Slowly
Yavaşça
Life taught me how to live

I have loved you since I couldn't even pronounce your name properly
For every breath I have taken on this earth
Since the moment I left the womb
You have been there
I have existed in your existence
Kinship
Blood ties
When someone asked how we were
Our names came together
Like a compliment
As though we were one person
One name with a hyphen
Me before you
Or you before me
But never alone
We belonged together
But now your name has desserted their lips
I come alone
Abandoned
As if you were never here
It feels like you were a ghost
An imaginary friend
Only the pictures prove otherwise
I want to hear the stories
Of how I followed you around
How you always gave in
When I asked you for anything
But you are trapped in memories behind eyes
That play like a movie
Projecting to every shadowed corner of this house
Sometimes I wake up and forget
I imagine I can hear your voice calling me to come to you
Your things are the same
The way you left them
It is us who have changed

It was my heart
My heart betrayed me
Tugged me towards her path
To indulge in fantasy
Bring us to the edge
Of glory and shame
A sinners punishment
To live and burn bright, alive
Then die every dawn
In a cold hell
Alone within sheets that quickly lose a lovers warmth

Once I had desire
I came with expectations and stars in my eyes
The second time I had hope
I'd hurt from the past and wanted to try
The third time I had nothing
No expectations, no hope, no stars in my eyes
I would take whatever you could give
Even your lies
Just keep me with you
Let my gaze fall to you from afar
My thoughts on the next surrender
I can't help but wonder
How many times can the same thing break your heart?

In another life
I cross the earth to reach you
Your hungry eyes wait to soak me in
To breath in my scent
And hold your baby close once again
My arms would hold you tight
Hands search like plugs against the aches of your aged body
I'd take in the deep trenches in your skin
And see my life in them
The comforting caress of your palm as you take every opportunity to pat my back
Hold my hand
Sit beside me and eat
Talk about my younger days
You'd say I was the coolness of your eyes
And I'd stay
This time for good
In another life
I would cross the earth to reach you

In time

The letters are squeezed up my closing throat
My tongue stumbles around the strange sounds of another's mouth
Lips twist and form shapes in hopes of finding something that fits
I hear unfamiliar sounds
But I should know them
I should know what they are
I am making them
I trip into words
I wish to tie to a sentence
I focus on your eyebrows
How they dance on your forehead
I look for a nod
Until I'm empty of sounds
My head tilts
Ears straining towards your tongue
Catching glimpses of meaning
As my brain whirls in flashbacks
Remembrance echoes softly in signals
I am floating on a raft of words
Surrounded by a strangers

When push came to shove
The time came for action
Life was moving forward
I held myself back

Tongue frozen
My words swallowed
Eyes closed
To the future before me

Was this what I wanted?
Would it fit who I am?
Would I go through the hardship
And find glitz and glam

Am I being blinded?
I second guessed
And over thought it
Doubts peeled away the excitement

To reveal fear
From all the changes
I hid from all the questions
Wallowed in contemplation

As I untangled from confusion
Found ration and reason
The time came and went
To make a decision

The earth would die if the sun stopped kissing her
This heart is lost
At a place in between
I can't go to you
And I can't return to me
Taken residence in no man's land
My heart has rebelled on me

I can still see our work boots lying
Exactly where we left them
Gates with padlocks unsure of what to guard
Windows gazing out for our return
The front door stiff in its opened position
Yearning to be slammed shut
But neither of us go back
To tell them it's over
In time
The bricks will grow tired of waiting and crumble
The crane will droop its neck in sorrow
The shovels will rust
Do you think the flowers will grow here
When you and I are off
Building something new
With someone else

Sunset a territorial red
They cried their faith into the ground
This be the blessed end
A symphony of death echoes around
Shells glide through tearing skin
Like a bow against a violin
The orchestra performs the percussion
Deafened by the snare drums
The sound is seen not heard
In the ricochets and trembling of the skins
Lured with horrifying compulsion
Fascinated at the destruction
Such is the production mankind has conducted
The end may be blessed
The end may it come
And look favourably upon the suffering man

Master of my fate
Captain of my soul
Keeper of my dreams
Reliever of my woes

Giver of health
Distributer of wealth
Bearer of all news
Grant me only good

Maker of miracles
Turner of hearts
Keep this heart steadfast
On the straight path

His voice was deep and low
Very low
I can't paint a voice
But if I could
It would be dark
Midnight blue
Dark
With a hint of light
And an edge of red
The paint would blend like golden honey
Thick, sweet and sticky
With intoxicated headiness I could only imagine what his moans would taste like

California is burning
Texas is drowning
Florida is shaking
Harvey, Irma and Maria came visiting

Mexico is trembling
Bangladesh and Dominicans are swimming
Columbia is digging its way out
Sierra Leone is joining

Burma is cleansing
Arabia closed its borders
Qatar is not good enough
Yemen is restless

Manchester is recovering
London is divorcing
Syria is still weeping
Palestine is homeless

Egypt is struggling
Lebanon is trading
Humans as currency
Boko Haram is spreading

The world is suffering
Empathy is needed
Humanity is important
Why did we become so indifferent?

My home is Brittania
Sarcastic comedy
Eating crumpets and biscuits
Dunking them in the Earl Grey tea

Home is in Pakistan
Across the lush rural fields
Where the day breaks
To a rooster crowing

My home is in Turkey
Near the turquoise sea
In the cobbled old town
Full of culture and history

Home is in America
In land and in liberty
Where everything goes
The good, the bad and the ugly

My home is in Morocco
In the colourful bazaars
The dessert land
A stark divide between wealth and poverty

Home is in Yemen, Iraq and Syria
In the hearts torn by policy
Where they speak the language of tears
And know the taste of hunger

My home is in India
In the classic Bollywood films
The spicy curries
The bright embroidered outfits

My home is in Arabia
In the pilgrimage of unity
The mosque of my prophet
The past, the present and future

My home is the world
The land is one
Humans we are divided
Borders? My God created none

This world is too pretty to make a home
To stay in one place
Live your life tucked away
What a shame, what a waste

There's a planet to see
Awe and grace to be said
What a beautiful creation
The Lord's artwork should be praisen

Go and leave your trace
A smile, a hug
An idea, a prayer
Here or there

There's lessons to be learnt
Fear and judgements to be fought
Love to be shared
Knowledge to receive

Language is no barrier
Colour is no issue
Humans deal in hearts
And actions too

So go and meet the people
Eat the food of the soil
Listen to the song of their tongues
A life at home pales

I believe my happiness resides elsewhere
Not inside me but waiting to be found
I think it's overseas
Where my heart is being tugged
I can hear the ocean calling
Biting at the edges of my mind
The wind is pulling me south
From the darkness into the light

I wonder if by now I have filled the sky with my pleas
For my heart has emptied to barely anything
Longing for the ocean breeze
I want without shame
The impossible that is
Like the echo of songs between the mountains
Above possession and destiny
Above the claim of imagination
And the future I can't foresee
Should I be punished and die in your adoration
Then let me be where I can see you
Bring my bones to the cobbled pavements
The winding meander of the sea
To the brink of a cliff
Where my soul could be set free

God as my witness
Whom my soul is bared to
He who sees all injustice
The heartache you cause me
I've forsaken my rights and happiness
For this relation of blood
I've searched for the problem
And the answer lies in many
But perhaps the biggest one of all
The worst one I believe
We're too much alike
In all the wrong ways
I have your hot flaring anger
A silver sword tongue
And the stubbornness you showed me
I showed back twofold

I had a dream
I'm dying
But it felt like déjà vu
All I can remember thinking was
I've been here before
I've felt this I'm sure
It feels like that time
We said too much
And couldn't take it back
After that nothing was the same
And if felt like dying everyday
When the world became disappointing
And I abandoned it
To disappear in a world inside me
But even death had a heart
And set me free
I woke up