Spriralling down profanity
Standing on the cliff of blasphemy
She looked for angels inside of demons
Where God's decree was nowhere to be found
She had faith in what she saw
Preachers and believers
Insolence and deciept
Their words of judgement reaching out to cage her in
Threatening punishment
Imploring her to forgiveness
God, there is sacrilege
This world is rampant with hypocrites
Her heart is full of your love
Yet desires the forbidden
The unsanctioned
It harms not a soul, not even her own
But holds her happiness down the one path
That strays just a little from the rules
God, who loves the impious preachers and believers
The patient and forgiving
Can these two paths not become one?
Where the blood in her veins runs by His decree
Every breath she takes is with His grace

In the morning perhaps there will be stillness

With no waves at all

I've only known you for 3 years
There's so much you don't know
Only scratching the surface
Friendship pleasantries
All I tell you are the pleasantries
Sometimes the dark gets too much
The past gets too deep
And sometimes I lose myself in it
I want to talk
I want to be with you and forget
But it's like my lips have sworn an oath
And I don't know how
Or where to start
Worse
How to deal with your reaction
So despite our closeness
I bear it all alone
All the sad and ugly kept inside my stomach
I don't know how to hide it at its peak
When the eyebags are pools
And I bleed from my fingertips
When my body trembles
And my lips are sore
So I hide from you
It's easier this way
Easier to say my battery died
And my charger broke
Sometimes I raise a shaking finger
To your contact on my phone
Stare at the delete button
But you're a good friend
And I love you
So I wait it out
Untill I surpress everything from the time before you
Untill I can smile and see you

This is why
I disappear from time to time

I hunger for normality
Just once
Just so I could feel it
Live it

Normal person
With a normal life
In a normal house
With normal people
Doing normal things

To normal people

This may sound boring

But normal to me
Sounds like a safe life
Day in, day out

What I'd do for a normal life

Everything is destroyed from the outside in
A state of neither living nor surviving
Slaving away for food and needing so much more
Made to believe it's just the way life is
I'm working hard and long
Getting nowhere fast or slow
Because everytime I'm a fraction closer to my goal
The bar is raised
The goal is pushed further away
The expectations rise
It increases the hunger
The pain
The struggle
But highlights the pointlessness
Hope for a miracle

She stood at the water fountain
Ahead of the crowd
Waving and flaying her arms
In a summoning ritual

To some she looked crazy
Whilst to others
Each sway of her arms
Pitched to their soul

Orchestrating
And conducting
The musical shower
Rising and splashing

But I
Stared in conviction
Bewitched
By the last waterbender

My Katara in real life

She sat on the side of the bed
Knees hugged close
Elbows shaking unsteadily
She watched him wary and heartsick

Her eyes roamed his skin
The longing to touch
Tangible in the static air
His gaze a caress staring at the curtain of hair hiding her eyes from his

He let his back slide down against the door
As he rested on the ground opposite her
Slowly his hands hands crept forward
Seeking permission
Is this okay? May I....

And when she did not move
Nor flinch
Or call out
He shuffled forward
Arms outstretched
Like a warm blanket of safety

Gently plucked her from the ground
Resting her against his chest
Fingers stroked her hair
And lips whispered sweet things that she did not hear
All she heard was the low lull and hum of his voice
Felt his chest rise beneath her cheek
He was here
And that was all that mattered

His dark majestic fur demanded attention
Each muscle contracted and rippled
As he strutted across the track
Onlookers mesmerised at the power he possessed
A temptation to run
Free and wild
Owning the earth
As each hoove struck the soil
A thunderous rumble echoed beneath him
Mighty and loud
Head held tall and proud
Eyes staring straight ahead
A mission in mind
A goal in sight
Black silky hair billowing in the wind
Lashing against his skin in waves
And there I stood
Transfixed
Gazing
At the black beauty
With so much life

She knelt down
And whispered her secrets into the earth
A prayer captured in her palms
And blown into the wind
To be heard in the heavens

Mankind your manner amuses me
Commit the sin by your very hands
And rue the devil
Curse he who led you astray
Not your intent
Nor your will power
Or the weakness within you
The illness you fed
For at one point
Even the devil must have given up on you

In the twenty first century
Where we have been the most advanced we have ever been
Where we have central heating
Air conditioning
Online shopping
Open heart
And laser eye surgery
Never has the goal of a happy and pleasant life drifted further away
Than it has today
We have been taught how to fly high in the sky like a plane
How to dive deep in the ocean like a fish
But how to walk on this earth
As a happy and content being
Some of us, we still struggle
We can contact people on the other side of the world
But we can't connect with our soul
We search for peace
Swallowing pills to seal the cracks in our heart
To cover fear, loneliness and anxiety
Oh you who wander
Life is a drink of salty water
You are drinking for a thirst that never quenches
A hunger that never fills
On this path
Pain becomes unbearable
Calamities become intolerable
A search for peace of mind
The ability to sleep at night
Your chest will only become tighter
The dark will become darker
Until you realise
That the pieces of our heart can only be put together
When we have gratitude during times of ease
And patience during times of difficulty

Sat in a room full of leaves
On the verge of something terrible
I can feel my blue fingertips
And grazed knees
Time is pulling me unwillingly
My neck cramps from looking over my shoulder
I'm crying cider tears
I dream the sun remembers my name and comes to eat me
I've never wanted so little and so much in my life
Moss is growing over my starved soul
I look out the window to the traitorous earth
Howl at the moon that's in its prime
My heart folds
Not like gentle origami
It's scrunched
It feels like ripping the scabs off before I'm done healing
Eventually I'll slump into the wind
Even though it only speaks of bad things coming

He kept coming back to haunt me
No matter how deep I buried him
The world I created in my mind
Belonged neither to the past
Nor the future
But I remember how he marked his territory
Taught me a new language
And learned mine carefully
Each night he made his presence known
And by dawn the discovery continued
As he peeled back the layers
And clambered over the walls
I remember how it felt like
He was always just there
Like a pacman storing away
All the information he came across
Out of all the other people
He collected the most points
The beginning of the end
Was when he wanted more
Pacman became a greedy snake
Overpowering
Overwhelming
Demanding to take up all the space
But he was good
He was ******* great at it
He was always ****** epic
At whatever he put his mind to
And I was mesmerised
Bowled over by his ability
And even now
After all these years
He has managed to stay around
Everytime I think I've forgotten
He lurks in the dark
I remember how he cursed me
Wishing I'd never forget
And wonder if the curse was true
Or I'm wallowing in his prophecy
Perhaps it was mine too

Hey you
I was thinking about you last night
Wrote a paragraph
Then backspaced all the lines

I'm sorry it's become this way
That things get in the way
That it's always too long
When I speak to you again

I think about you from time to time
Send a little prayer your way
I hope all is well
And life is treating you swell

I think of the troubles and harm you face
And believe you have the strength
To pull through and keep good pace
I hope these problems are never long in length

My friend I'm betting on you
I'm cheering on the side
Some battles have to be faught alone
Whilst people like me watch helplessly on

There were times I didn't go a single day
Without speaking to you
My friend I miss you
And I wonder at the changes life has done

Responsibilities
And duties
Have tied us down
I didn't know that growing up meant growing apart

I could smell your intentions a mile away
That vulnerable look
Eyes gone rogue
Invited me to take part
With a crooked step forward
You spun your story
With a tilt of your lips
Eyes captured mine
My ears captivated by your tale
My lips bound by social contraptions
To not move
Not be rude
Listen to the breakdown
The usual underlying theme
But different all the same
Loneliness
Loss
Then you get to the point
What I like to call the cliff hanger
You want me to hang on
To be the saviour
To lose yourself in me
And yes I can talk to you late night
All night long
But even two strangers will talk to eachother out of loneliness
And even if I can understand you
That's not what you need
Because even two homeless people
Can understand eachothers hunger
But they don't have the ability to feed

She turned to face me
With an intensity so deep in her eyes
Her stare sent serious vibes
Her mouth set in a straight line

I want to move away
Start fresh
Where no one knows me
And I can be who I like

I tried to decipher her need
Her longing to go where she can hide
Was it because she wasn't happy?
With herself or her life?

Does she know the demons she flees
Are hiding inside
What is in the future she sees?
The heaven where she can reside

Running was meant to be FOR something
Never away or from
And I know with some things here
Your job is done

But there's commitments to decades
Or a lifetime
That won't allow you to move
These are the chains that bind

The shackles come with a chain
Which you can rattle or shake
But never will it be easy
There will be links that you can't break

So you either break loose
Lose a leg or an arm
Or you try to make the chain lighter each day
Until you stop feeling the weight

I'm waiting
In the indigo darkness
To find myself
The way I used to be
How I look in the photos without the filters
The smile that came so naturally
Forget the hair and nails
The makeup on fleek
Even my posture was strong
My balance sturdy
Body a structure
Of youth and innocence
A navigation system
Of wonder and enlightenment
I was the antidote
The Messiah
Of all my problems
Once a beacon of light
Now an abandoned Lighthouse
My mind a labyrinth

Look I have come
Forsaken the world
And left it all behind
Now I want to write poems in your skin
With my lips
Tasting the revolution
Release my veil
And gift me the sky
Bind our everlasting love into your soul

The weight of your hands
Stopped the blood in its tracks
It's not like you
To ***** your hands whilst you sin
Usually you light a flame and watch it grow
A shoulder bump in a corridor
The crowd gathers around like weak moths
They're the ones whose tongues I am familiar with
It's their imprints on my stomach
You just glare and gloat
I watch your eyes
A flickering cinema of emotions
Remorse
                 Sympathy
     Anger
                                Frustration
The questions push against the bile in my throat
You don't know what hell you've put me through
By showing me this side of you

I watched her from afar as she walked to catch up to me
Her arms swinging backwards as she leapt into the air
Her knees came to her chest before she stomped both boots into the puddle in the middle of the yard
A wave of dark sludge flew around her
Splattering her golden locks
And coating the grass in a wet messy slop

She froze only just a moment
Eyes wide and mouth popped open
As if only noticing my observant gaze
Then her laughter rolled out like a hym
Echoing across the grounds
Something so joyous
As sunlight bounced on her face
She was glowing as her mouth opened wide in a gorgeous grin
Back tilted backwards
Her head thrown towards the heavens
Complete abandonment

My inner child tugged within me
Urging me to go and play
To join my Goddess
And drown in her laugh
Away from the shelter my feet stepped into the rain
Driven by her delight
Hesitating only out of fear of driving away all that amusement
My hands craved to be buried in her hair
Kissing her until every broken, beaten crack in her soul was gone

Until the past was wiped from her memory
And she saw herself as pure as the angel in my eyes
My happiness
My joy and pride

When you said I looked sad today
I stood in front of a mirror
Analysing my expression
And what gave me away

Was it my downcast eyes
Or the droop in a fighting frown
Perhaps my slumping shoulders
Maybe it was my betraying tongue that stilled at the wrong time

I practised looking happy
Put a hop in my step
A tinkering in my laugh
Hooked the corners of my lips to my ears

I stared at my new reflection
Full coverage makeup
Yet I still couldn't put a twinkl in my eye
I couldn't decieve myself

You make me soft
Make me melt into a puddle
Make me a ******* before you
You make me feel

My heart squeeze
At the thought
You make me alive
Make me real

Make me angry
Make me happy
Make me feel it all for you
You make me sad

When you go
Make me solid
Make me unmoving
Unchanging

Make me stone
Make me cold
Make me stop
Make me what I used to be

I wonder where I'll be when you come for me
Will you steal me away in the dead of the night
Or will you send me a message before you arrive
Will there ever be a right time
Or would I embrace you like I've been waiting for this moment my whole life

Will I get a chance to say goodbye
Would it be rushed with loud cries
Or would I leave with a life fulfilled
In the arms of my love
And a smile on my face

I wonder if it would be painful
Sudden in the breeze on the concrete outside
The distant sound of sirens lulling me away
Or patiently savouring me slowly from the inside
One ***** at a time
A pinch of clips on my fingers, my heart beeping me out

Would it be panicked and rushed
Would I try to escape and run
Desperate to evade your advances
Then hopelessly succumb

Would I remember God
Would I call for him in that moment
Would I ask Him to save me
Or let you take me
So He can keep me safely in his gardens

I'd like to think I won't be afraid
I've always known it would happen
Yet I can feel fear choking me at just the thought
But if that's of the process or the destination
I guess I'll have to wait
Until it's my time to go

It's like you swore you would never leave my mind
We painted our souls and hung them on empty walls
It's like I planted every future in the rows of your palms
You shone like a star and I fell apart like a comet

I want to pray with you
Stand in the first row
Shoulder to shoulder
Feet to feet
Listen to the Imam
From the first juz to the last
I want to close my eyes and feel like we're the only people in the world
God and us
With no distance
I pray for you
Your happiness and success
That it is with me
And we're together always

The sand in the hourglass falls with a consuming force
A smell of fear lingering in the air
Your frozen gaze urging it to slow down
Yet it has a life of its own
A course that must be fulfilled
You stared hopelessly as a thousand grains
Fell without permission
Until you willed what was about to come
Until you missed home
Until the last of the tiny grains fell
And took you with it
Following like a wilted flower that craved the sun

Dear diary,

Today I let him insult me
And if this isn't love then I don't know what is

They say love is an affair of the heart
But I've lost my **** mind

A fool in love

He would tell you that he can't sing very well
But he sings in me
He makes my emotions dance to an orchestra he directs
He would tell you he can't reach the moon
But he kisses me in a way that would make the stars fall at my feet

You are like a viral infection
That just won't go away
My heart heaves
Like there's a bird in my ribcage
It's soaring upwards aiming to release through my throat
Forcing me to stifle the words that want to escape
I'm falling in the dark
But does it matter if I'm blind?
You're no good for me
I can feel myself fall
From God's graces
With you I am alight and it doesn't hurt
But when you're not there
I wash myself several times
The smell of guilt seeps from my pores
And I know that you're not mine
The skin which you worshipped
Burns in shame
I can feel my heart ready to burst
Out of pain
But mostly fear
Of the wrath of karma
That will surely lick the heels of my fate
The curse of a woman whose been defamed
If this is the nature of mankind
To crave the poison for ones own destruction
Then oh how I wish, you truly were poison

In this story
I call you the cursed verses
Of where I learnt wicked things
And the way you corrupted my body
How you came hungrily
Eager for velvet skin
How the silk slipped off my shoulders
And hesitated at my hips
The way my breath hitched
And you plaited our fingers
Like you'd never let go
But you left me standing on the porch
Chest open wide
Swinging from its hinges
My epilogue tells of how
My spine still won't remember its wings
No matter how many times my knees kissed the pavement

There she goes
Without a care in the world
Like a charming tornado
Causing adrenaline
Then havoc and destruction
I am mesmerised by her ways
Torn between wanting to see her magic again
And cursing the ****** aftermath
The way she peeled back my skin
And laid ownership on my insides
Touched where no one dared to go
I danced with her the tune she sang
Curled my body around her torso
She twirled with me
Lifted my heart off the ground
Then just like she arrived
She left in a whirlwind
Not even waiting around
To hear the heartbreaking sound

Adelaide
She was a calendar
Of crossed out days
A countdown timer
Ticking on her brain
She'd tell you exactly how many months
Weeks and days left
Until her eyes would set on mine again

I was slowly roasting
A still being
I was in a surreal universe
Of floating things
Where everything sounded like echoes
And shapes blurred my vision
Then Adelaide said hours
And everything went in slow motion

There she stood
The master of my ship
The anchor for the ocean
I keep losing myself in
She had time stopping powers
When her gaze met mine
With just a smile she turned on the sunshine

I sat on the front steps
With a little black suitcase
Waiting on a ride
To anywhere out of town

Leaving behind a trail of dust
I followed a cobbled path
Set sail
Allowed the wind to whisper in my ear

I searched for where I could disappear
A place that will hide me
Where the past can't find me
Anywhere to settle but here

Coastal towns and tea shops
Always looked so good on the screen
I once heard someone say
It's the closest to heaven they've ever been

Failure
It's such a big word
One you'd try to avoid
If you knew how bad it was

Failure means trying
And good on you for that
Failure means losing
And it hurts so bad

Failure is not something anyone aims for
You never set out to meet
But sometimes it sweeps right in
And knocks you off your feet

Uninvited
Unplanned
You don't expect it
But fear it's presence

Lest it be forever
The defining before and after
There's no going back after this
Once you take that chance, it could really be over

The be all
And end all
Of possibilities you only dreamed of
The one where all the doors could be opened or slammed shut

Does your blood not move?
Nor your heart heave?
At a king's compassion
His helpless mercy

With honour does he rule
In trust he leads
Upon the enemy
He takes no pride

It is God's will
The people he serves
The king is a protector
Of lands and servants

With power he knights
And rules as he knows best
A righteous person
Who kneels in war to his Lord

A king does not **** a king
Nor a king severs a treaty
In peace he speaks
The greater good he seeks

With no choice they strived
Fought for many nights
Broke many walls
And shed lots of blood

A king who valued life
Grieved for his tribe
For the peace that was broken
Over the holy land of Jerusalem

Mama I have my head in the clouds
And colours on my mind
A paintbrush in my hand
And tomorrow to call mine

Mama it's 3am and I am a poet
I pen my letter goodbye
I'll be gone before you know it
To see the world with my eyes

I've tasted foreign names
That swirled with ease on my tongue
I've talked with my eyes
And a smile that has never gone to waste

I've seen so many differences
But I've found us all the same
I've been welcomed into the small homes
Of people with plenty of room in their hearts

I have a tornado on my heels
I go, I go, I go
With no signs of staying
I've made the earth my home now

All praise is due to God
For he made our tears colourless
For if they were not
I'm afraid my pillow would reveal all my untold secrets

All praise is due to God
For I could see you with my heart
Your lips were parched
But in your eyes oceans

All praise is due to God
For only He knows what benefit
That you cannot understand what I write
For I write feelings and you read only the words

She stood staring at the turquoise blue water
The sight for healing hearts
A few feet shy of the doors to heaven
Father said that when the doors to heaven open
A warm soft breeze passes you
Washing away all the pain
Eternal peace and prosperity is returned to your soul
And as you walk through the gardens of Eden
Through the meadow
You'll see your family waiting for you
Ready to embrace you
She took a step, then a few more
Daring to dream of meeting her heart's longing

I don't love you
not completely
at least not yet
but I can feel my soul
reaching to entwine with yours
it's tied in a nice neat knot
I love your smile
I love your laugh
I love your stubborness
and everything in between
I don't love you
not completely
at least not yet
not until the knot becomes a tangle
and I love you to the point of stupidity
to the total loss of sanity
to sacrificial limitations
past where I could never forget you
irreversibly wicked
I don't love you
not completely
at least not yet

This is the story
About when I was murdered
Hysterically unhappy
Stabbed me from behind
Through all the layers of dreams
I hardly felt a thing
Until each one was pierced
And burst slowly
Hissing in silent protest
A part of me seeped away
And I didn't notice it until it was gone
In its place was the most overpowering filling
Of nothingness
A deep aching emptyness
Since then I've been in search
Of arms that would wrap around
Like bandages to cover the hole

In this story
I want to tell you
I'm sick
there's something wrong
I just feel it
my insides hurt with phantom pains
my heart aches like it no longer fits
inside my chest
my body has abandoned its home
these limbs are not mine
they're not under my command
if only you could see
on the inside
the circuit from the heart to the brain is detached
somewhere I can't tell
there's a broken link that must be found and connected
In this story
I am the worst version of myself
Unrecognisably unhappy

Mouth closed
Legs open
Eyes shut
Body naked

Below beneath
On your knees
Don't refuse
Or accuse

Misuse
Abuse
Lose
Discard

Voice less
Butchered wings
Shaky legs
Patterned skin

Unjust
Unfair
Undue
Distress

Always under
Always less

Red is the heartbreak
Purple is the poison
Green are the questions
Of doubt, of why

But black is the emptiness of a soul
Like a thief in the depths of the darkest night
Who stole your most precious thing
And you didn't even know

White is the nothingness
The complete numbness
The constant something is missing
Slayed into oblivion

Together they are the buzzing vortex
The colours that are not even in the rainbow
The ones that matter the most
And you can't even catch them

Because they don't exist

Cursing in an empty room
Praying in a full one
Heart in my stomach
I'm keeping it inside

Bite on my tongue
Anger on the brain
Hatred in my knuckes
A frown on my face

Quiet in the dark
Chest swells in the day
Impatient eyes
Days of doubt

Weakness in my legs
A dream at arms length
Regret at my heels
Sorrow in my soul

I've lost you
I haven't had you for a while
And on my quest to regain you
I've been given much advice

Just pray
They say
And so I tried
But when I looked, you were nowhere to be found

So I sat in misery
At such disappointment in myself
Shrouded amidst the judgement
And pity alike

Fear him they said
But I had no reason to be guilty
I was just a lost person
Who had lost the peace

I lost you in the dead of the night
Still born for many dawns of days
I passed like a phantom
Through the slipping time

I wish I could call you
And book an appointment
On the weekend
When I'm home

Just know that I am waiting
For a high court order
Signed by the Majesty
To be summoned from the slums

The darkness of the night swallowed everything whole like a vicious beast
Piles of sorrow pointed accusingly at the sky
Transparent swords clung to the jagged edges of the frosty mountains
Waiting to stab the ground
They stood in line to ice the burn of bombs
As houses spat out the acrid taste of fear through the gaping hole of their walls
The ground trembled in fear of being split
The earth gargled on shades of blood
Your hands frantically clenched and dug
To find what was lost
In it what was perhaps the most beautiful secret about life
That it has to end
Peace will come
In the abyss of the afterlife

She sat slumped against the wall
Red knuckles begging to be soaked in salt water
Fingernails seeping red like faded nail varnish
Skin a mesmerising galaxy
Shades of blue
Purple marks
Half moons shadowed beneath her hauntingly piercing eyes
She watched me like she's been here before
Her poker face unsurprised of my presence
Like she was discovered and left to be found again
By someone else
She didn't ask nor beg
Pride or shame
I couldn't tell
The cogs in my mind whirred
It's too late
I could give her a new world
A new start
But I could see in her eyes her world was gone
Her heart was buried deep within the bloodied soil beneath her hands
Her soul was tied to the past
The good and the bad
I could give her food
And clothes
And shelter
But I can't free her mind
From the prison she's been in
I can't chase away the nightmares
It's too late

I want to tell you I'm changing
I don't like it
But it's happening
And I can't control it
I want to tell you that it feels like danger
It feels like a storm brewing inside my guts
My instinct to flee is going wild
But how do I run away from myself?