Let it not be perfect
May we be flawed
And quarrel
Lest covet gazes linger

I am beware
Of aesthetic
Wary of too good
Being lost in the shout

Pray my love be private
Felt not seen
Hidden not absent
Whispered like secrets in the cover of night

Such ease
Such mercy
Belongs not on this land
I am scared of the illusion

Only in Eden
Should there be the love of heavens
Where no jealousy lies
Nor a grief in sight

I want to wake to disagreements
And fall asleep making up
I want ill planned good intentions
And of course a few ***** ups

I want to fix it together
Believe there's nothing we can't conquer
Laughs and tears
I want with you many many years

There may be a shaky path
But I want undoubted love
Trialling, testing but not a breakable wrath
Not one of dreams, I want reality love

Yes
You were here
Yes
You were with me
Yes
I could see you
Love you, hug you, kiss you, feel you
So I imagine this world a prison
My fingers the cell bars
Clamped in a fist
I imagine it was my choice
That I saw the suffering
Which I could not stop from touching you
That I allowed it
I let you go
And that makes it just a little bit more okay
I pretend that I wasn't heartless
That my heart is not stubborn
Selfish
I remember it
Like I was the guardian gone rogue
That you escaped
And I turned a blind eye
Letting you go
Secretly, silently
Like the breaths
                           you
                                  let
                                        g
                                        o

To what do I owe this grief
To whom do I point my finger
I have no solution
Or reverse spell

From whom do I collect my debt
From where do I rewrite my fate
Call it madnes
A believer becoming faithless

Tell me where will I find my heart
The cure to my blindness
I offer my blood in sacrifice
My soul for his life

I feel
I can feel my mind
Pleading to cooperate
To sleep and wake up
But I can't forget her
To count her flaws and hate her
But they make her look prettier
There's a fire in my chest
That could burn the city down
There's a jealousy in my heart
It spreads through my veins like a poison
My heart sews dead promises into the salted Earth
I am living in the arms of moments passed
With my eyes closed
I think of where the sea meets the river
And how it flows into an ocean
In my desire to please her and be with her
I have abandoned myself
I don't know how to be alone again
I don't know how to stop myself from flowing towards her
My torn soul is visible on my face
I cannot escape when they ask me of my pain
In those moments
I wish
I wish to be no one
Nothing
Merely the wind unreachable in all my glory
Free to howl
And be heard
Not questioned nor consoled

I found her
Somewhere between the hello and goodbye
Her heart was in the liquid sunsets
Melted
Staring at the clouds
Face to the wind
It carried the scent of rust
The copper of a wound
But
She smiled
And it made me gasp
She was not ashamed of the wars she had faught
To save herself
I didn't ask about the scars
Much later
She would tell me the stories behind them
Of the ones she was given
And the ones she created
Born of guilt
To atone for sins that were not hers
The entire time
My ears heard only the question in her tone
Would you stay?
Would you love me anyway?
Sometimes she likes to look at me
As if her eyes are scanning a photograph
And sometimes she holds me in a way that shows me she wants this
With scared hands
It's enough that
When my skin touches hers
She no longer recoils
Most often
She likes solitude
The peace of being alone
I see the way she unhangs the burden of pretense
And slips into the silence
For days at a time
I know that I cannot belong if I am afraid of staying
You cannot fly if you are afraid of falling
So I gave myself to her
Long before I thought I had a choice
To take in pieces or whole
But what did it matter
I am hers
Hers
In a way no one else ever was
Hers
In a world where she didn't fit in
And I'd like to think that she is mine
Even though I know she never could be

People can change
And it's not that I don't trust you
I just know what you're capable of
My heart closes it's eyes and follows you blindly
But my brain keeps on the calculation function

I want you to come to me
Without being called
I don't want you to think of the consequences
Just follow the light you emit
Stand beside me
Proud and happy
In a bazaar full of people
Don't respond to the questions
Strike down the glares with your own deliberate gaze
It's the only way
That I would take you as mine
Give myself away so freely
Come not silently
Or secretly
I want you without embarrassment or shame

In hindsight
Having you was the most reckless thing I have ever done
There wasn't any space inside of me
To love the way a mother should
The way a child deserved
Before I held you in my arms
I dreamt of standing on the edge of a cliff
And letting myself fall
I see myself in your eyes
And I resist the tug that pulls me away
Grasping for reasons to stay
A big part of me foolishly hoped
That you would become my purpose
Or absolve the loneliness
But you are my punishment
To whom I am held accountable
Another place that I fall short
My arms are too cold
For someone as warm as you
My breaths too shallow
For someone who is so full of life
I fear one day
In a spontaneous moment
I'll pay heed to the voices
And move on
Sometimes I tell myself that it would be my gift to you
To rid you of me
Allow you the gift of childhood
The innocence of youth
The forgiveness of time
You will be blessed with forgetting I ever existed
I dream that another will hold you close to their chest
And you'll stop crying
I wake up sobbing at the darkness lurking within me
To do to you what ruined me

My life is a viral plague of what could have been
Of doors that were never allowed to be opened
Long eternal hallways of regret
Of window shopping alternate lives
Role playing an imaginary fashion show
Trying on different careers, hobbies and languages
But never having the courage to do anything more
I've always peaked through cracked doorways
Fascinated by what lies beyond
All the opportunities
And possibilities
Allowing the thrill of an impulsive dream to wash over me
The excitement and adventure of something new
In stories where I am
Impulsive and spontaneous
Embarking on a journey of discovery
Of incredible secret potential
Thriving and flourishing
In a world of doors easy to open
Where the shadows in the rooms
Are not the grim reaper
Waiting for me to fall
Where the consequences I faught to overcome
Are not haunting taunts
I told you so
Or pitiful whispers
I told you so
Or arrogant cries
I told you so
There are countless frames of deceased doors
All of them have my footsteps leading right to the boundary
All of them have handprints
On every silver and gold handle
Each door has been firmly slammed closed
And I've been caught red handed

After you
I became a graveyard
Full of memories
No one else wanted to visit
In an unused plot of land
There is an unwatered flower bed
In another there is a broken headstone
That looks like a shattered mirror
Unanswered questions float around with no place to rest
And every night when the sun sets I want you to return
I want you to come and see
That without you there is nothing left
Without you
Every embrace will be bereft

When I was six
I knew I did not belong
Because only animals could sense
The shroud of discomfort
That followed me wherever I went
When I was nine
I walked away from my house
And let my feet do the thinking
But only the sun knew of how my shadow cowered into the earth
Almost as if to say...right here
I never understood
If it meant here beneath the mud
Or here on earth, everywhere on this layer
But it felt like both
Like the mud could swallow me whole and it would feel like a hug
That it too could provide comfort
It told me how the thing I didn't know I was looking for
Would be found in the open
But since then I've always found shelter under the naked sky
Like it could conceal me and free me at the same time

You came
At a time
When I just needed a reason
An excuse to live
You became a beacon of light
On a stormy night
While I waded through the dark ocean
So I swam towards you
Like a pirate seeking treasure
And while you sheltered me
With the distraction
Of something new
A budding hope began to bloom
But when I opened my chest
I saw that your treasure had already been taken
Love is not always an exchange
So I gave you my heart anyway

I guess in the end
She didn't have to say anything at all
I just knew
She had suffered more than she deserved

I am trying
To breathe
When it doesn't hurt
I want to forget you
And remember you at the same time
Tears have taken residence in my eyes
My heart has sent distress signals
I don my Sunday best and head to the confessional
All this grief equates to at least a drop of liquor
I still haven't figured out why I treat myself
To celebrate the passing day
How I got out of bed and made it out
Or mourn that every confession is about you
Even when it's not
And I don't want you to be gone
Yet so much a part of me anymore
My head spins
My smile remains
And I order
Pour it all in my name
The night is almost over
I must end it as the sinner
I have a confession to go to in the morning
I drink for the unjust way she left me
I drink for it's all I have left
I sit stone cold sober
And I tell the priest
That I think Icarus died
With the sun
Still clenched in his palms

How strange is this world
Where happiness comes hand in hand with sorrow
Yet my breath is at ease
Everything is okay
My heart is uncomfortably content
I am the faithful cup bearer
In silence
I complain
Your name does not pass my lips
Tell me who could I tell
About what I felt within a day
My heart is a worshipper
And love is my confession
A destination I was not meant reach
My hand captured the night
But the day was bound to rise
I was lost
But now I am here
I am my own hope
These dark clouds are the poetry I see in the sky
Every chapter I turn of this book
I wonder
If maybe we have
Spilt our tears over the same page?

Take me with you
Where your dreams lie
My world is where you are
Take me with you
I belong by your side
Come back
Let's sit on the porch
Watch the moon and stars twinkle
I will half this life of mine with yours
Every breath I take will be a short drag
So you can share
And when the morning comes
We'll share every ray of the sun
This time
I'll make sure to follow you
So when the shade comes
I'll be in it with you too

Mama I didn't go looking for it
I don't even know how I found it
But in the woods
I came across the kind
The kind of boy you warned me about
Don't ask me how I knew
I just did
When my stomach twisted into knots
And my legs quivered
My eyes didn't look away
I forgot what I went there for
He watched me like I was prey
And I remember you said
That I wouldn't return whole
That I should run and never look back
Mama I knew what I was supposed to do
But you never told me he'd take me with just one look
He was only a boy
A man trying to be a cold, hard statue
But his eyes were ablaze
Call it an illusion if you must
But I swear mama
In his eyes I saw everything
But mama if he was bad would he tell me to go
He did
After that, nothing
But that was enough for me
His fists were closed
Clenched
His mouth straight
Taught
It was I who wanted to hear my name from his lips
It was me who decided to be the archeologist
For the lonely
Torn down
I found that he'd only ever seen talking with fists
Only ever heard anger and hatred
Seen pain that came in waves
I found that he was foreign
To the words that fell like raindrops
Faithless in the silent whispers of a world full of noise
It was I who refused to leave
Even when he didn't pull me close
I became part of him
Apart from him
So don't you ever wander
Why I tried mama
I want to see his lips rise like the sun
I want him to try just one more time
This time I'll be there
Like a boat
Like a vine

Bewitched were they
In a few short days of company
Never did come to a conclusion
For naming the butterflies
He was an albatross
Large
Overwhelming
Mesmerising
He who everyone waited for, wanted, watched
A powerful energy
A magical aura
Solitary
And she
She was a Peahen
A dazzling beauty
Irresistibly spellbinding
One was meant for seas and oceans
To fly for months on end
Captured in photographs
A sight for only eyes to behold
And one was an exotic beauty
Terrestrial
Domesticated
Social
Alas when the time came to fly
He stood by the seaside
With her by his side
He asked her to tell him what to do
A bud that was ready to bloom
If you ask me to stay; I will stay
And if you tell me to leave; I will go
It was with a heavy heart that she replied
We are but two birds in an open sky
You touch the clouds
And I the earth
Neither doves nor lovebirds
Fate has us not stork nor heron
For you a life that is contrast to mine
Yet here we met at the same shoreline
Call it fate or a dream
I have flown with you
As high as I could
Now you must continue

You see
I have never faught for myself
When it came to me
I always just bore it
Until I became immune
But for you
I will fight
For you I could ****
For you I feel
Too much
Too much emotion
Too much damage
Too much everything

I lost you
And I'll regret it always
But sometimes when I catch myself thinking of you
I say that if these hands were to ever reach for you again
I'd cut them off
I'm done performing autopsies on conversations from a lifetime ago
I didn't bury you in the past
I expelled you
You don't hide in some corner
No
I polished my heart with all the good
You lost me
And I'll regret it always

I didn't want you to leave
Inside of me there was a forest
With trees standing like soldiers
Hoping to prevent you from going
Inside of me
There was a wolf
Howling at the moon
Hoping you'd hear me
I didn't want you to leave
But I couldn't make you stay
So I choked the birds in my throat
And swallowed the ocean
I helped you pack while my heart whined
Then watched you go
Wishing you would come back
Knowing how I would still welcome you
That the door you left through could never be closed
How could it?
When the only time it's ever felt like home
Was when you were with me

It's was like you smoked a cigarette
On the front porch of my heart
As though you never meant to stay
You put it out with your foot
And my heart howled like an animal
Constricting like it would be able to keep you here
But with that the light was gone
So I lay in a dark corner
After that every hand I reached out to
Felt cold
And the light never came back

What are you made of
You cold hearted *****
He roared
And I didn't even blink
Long after he left the room
I whispered
Heartbreak
Pain
And chaos
I've tamed that girl that used to cry
The wild animal that would whimper
I controlled it
Made it strong
Buried her deep deep down inside
She doesn't even try to surface
I no longer see the point in crying over things
I can't control
I took the tears and froze them
For they are nothing but a useless reaction
Just like the noise of anger
And the withering of heartbreak
So I chose to become a statue
Sometimes this thing in my chest
It does things I no longer recognise
It makes me feel so strange inside
But it's been so long since I gave these things the honour of a name
I let them pass like the way I release breaths
Silently
Secretly
Without being acknowledged

I thought the harsh thumping against my chest
And the tingles down my spine
Would stop if I had my lips pressed against yours
But it didn't
It made it worse
And I felt it explode in my chest
Some kind of Morse code
But all I can hear is the white noise
Every fibre of my being
Every atom of my blood
Choosing the very moment my eyes set on you
To prove their existence
In that moment I'm painfully aware of everything
Yet there's nothing I can focus on
Its like you're the moon and I'm the tide

And if I don't find you
What will I tell this heart of mine?
How would I repress it's asking for you?
Should I trick it like a child
Say that you couldn't come
Something came up
But keep giving it hope
Or console it with the distraction of something else

Running
I like running
Her words whispered into the cold night air
Releasing the fog around her brain
And after that stumble they came tumbling out
It's easy you know
To put distance behind you
It's my favourite thing to do
Its funny how a misunderstanding could help you understand more than you were ever supposed to
For I imagined her
Turning her back
Moving on and starting again
I thought she meant running like me
....like me
That's what I do
I run
But she always returned back to the start
I never did

You don't let me move on
You don't let me sleep
How did you do it?
Merge my every living moment with yours
Perhaps if you'd taught me
I could have done the same to you

Love didn't end wars
It started them

I am grabbed away
Gulping down the rising fear
I feel myself slip from your grip
The bubbling anxiety
And the pain in your trembling voice
Makes me call out
My bag Mama
Pick up my bag for me
I am lead along with others like cattle
In a line
Away from you
The only arms I have ever known
But I don't look to see where we are going
I look at my blue trainers
As though I am seeing them on my feet for the first time
My feet are moving and I wonder if my brain is sending the signals correctly
Because I don't want to leave you
I am squeezed into a truck
That jostles with the heaviness of the situation
My hands slip into my pocket
And I wish that there would be such a pocket where I could not only hide my hands
But also myself
In it I feel the teeths of the wooden comb
The one that I took from papa
I look around at the faces
And they mirror mine
I recognise uncle Suleiman
And Hussein from the shop
I can't see Fahima
It's just men
I dig the comb into the tips of my fingers
Liking the pressure
Because it keeps my mind from drifting to nosense
I did not know that tomorrow I would lay down
Outside beneath the open sky
In a row with İbrahimoviç and several others
Our faces pressed against the earth
That bullets would rain down
And my back would burn
Quickly turning my legs numb
Distantly I would hear the roar
Of a Serbian soldier
"Are there any survivors?"
Someone would cry out instantly
"I am alive, please **** me!"
He pleaded and I was mute
But we both got what we wanted
I do not know how long I lay in that field
Then another and another
I lay with hundreds of others
But years later
Mama would be called
To see my blue trainers
And Papa's comb
To say that I was hers

Your problem was
That you knew too much
It was the first time I saw
Knowledge destroy a man
You had a heart
And the world didn't make sense
There was no logic nor reason
It was too fast paced
You had been through too much
Seen what no one should have to see
Lost more than anyone could imagine
This life had given you pain and suffering
With endless turmoil
Not even a promise of it ending
Nor a glimmer of hope
The problem was that you drew all the short straws
Had all the bad luck
And none of it was your own fault
Not a single soul to hold to account
No one that could bring it all back
Your problem was that you couldn't turn it off
That you couldn't leave the past
That you couldn't unhear
Unlearn
Unsee
In a world where we all turn blind eyes
Ignore what does not please
We deliberately avoid the knowledge
What we don't know
Can't hurt us
Nor can we be held accountable
Enough to be pacified
But you
You hunted the truth
Chased it like a hound
And even when you didn't like the taste
You swallowed it whole
And it poisoned you against living in a world of monsters

We were so compatible
That even when we parted
It was honorable
We smiled, hugged and kissed goodbye
Because in it lay our happiness

Curse me all you want
There's love in your hatred
You became so passionate with it
But never deny that I was mad about you
Not when all I've ever asked for
Was the safety of every breath you take
For this I would face Mecca
Raise my hands to Luna
Bow to Buddha
And be blessed by the priest
I would do it on auspicious days
According to the pundit
Every single time I would utter your name
In the only way I know how
From love blooming within
How your mere existence pleases me
I would always only gain happiness from yours