wake up
it's cold.

get up,
pick out your clothes.

pour some tequila,
learn to cope.

brush your hair,
watch half of it
fall to the floor.

unknown pain in your head,
lay back down in your bed.

7:04,
pack your lunch.

7:09
mom's in a rush

7:26
start to mentally prepare for another day

8:23
sit down at your desk,
becoming invisible,
unseen by the rest.

12:32
chew your food,
keep it down
no throwing up allowed.

3:46,
hurry or you'll be late
for another appointment,
tell them that you're okay
and they will send you on your way.

6:04,
feeling hopeless again,
crying in the shower.

6:05,
"i will die alone, and arrive knowing no one."

the wind blew hard
and chilled me down to the bone.

the wind blew hard
and i swear i heard you cry,
why'd you leave me so soon?

why'd you have to die?

6 years old
tiny feet on the cold kitchen tile,
her mother pointed to the cookie jar,
"don't."

8 years old
socks on the wood,
she started to spin happily,
her mother huffed loudly
"don't."

10 years old
flip flops on the sidewalk,
a man walking his dog
on a sunny afternoon,
she reached her hand out,
her mother slapped it
and angrily whispered to her
"don't."

13 years old
feet off the ground,
her father was mad
no sign of love in his dark eyes,
her mother sat watching
but she didn't say
"don't."

15 years old
tennis shoes on the wood,
she sat in the guidance counselors office
uncomfortable and shy,
he asked her
"how? how'd you get that black eye?"
she sat silent
her mom's
"don't"
echoing in her mind.

17 years old
heels on the edge,
no one's voice echoing
"don't"
in her head.

17 years old
she flew straight down,
an angel with no voice

when asked "what is cold?"
most respond with
ice
or the snow,
winter
or the fall wind
when it blows.

but the winter never compared to
how cold she felt inside,
trapped inside a prison
which was called
her mind.

I don't feel,
I'm not alive.

I don't talk,
I'm not alive.

I don't eat,
I'm not alive.

I slice open my wrist,
I'm not alive.

I want to die because
I'm not alive.

i feel weak,
drained,
but i haven't done anything all day,
i've slept for half of the week.

trying to keep my eyes open,
you're sleeping the summer away,
get up out of bed,
go outside and play.

I keep your picture under my pillow,
my therapist says that it is unhealthy
for me to do so.

She doesn't know,
none of them do,
I never knew you could feel a color
until I turned a dark shade of blue.