If you want to spoil me,
Spoil me with loyalty
I've stitched my heart too many times
I won't pretend
I won't lie
I want to spend
The rest of this life
In our forever box
But I know people change
And expectation leads to dissapointment
So I will harden my armor
Just in case

We all make mistakes
And I hate to say this
Or admit that this is the most dangerous
And damaging thing I think I've ever done
I am none
I am numb
I'm in a panic
That I can't handle this
I want to dismantle this ****
Before it sinks the ship
The holes let all the death in
Demons embedded inside my head and crept in
Wondering where I've been and whose bed I've slept in
My brain bled in and suffocated my nonexistent soul
I try to take a breath in
But your air is too **** cold
Will nothing make me whole
I'm out of my own control
I've bought and sold my time for all the right lies
You see nothing left
Unless it's left to die
I can't go on
Tonight

You make me cry.
I go and **** my girlfriend.
I feel better in the moment.  
I sleep...  Sometimes.
I wonder where I'll wake up.
When I'll wake up.
The beast has eaten all the good parts.
The liar has won the battle.
The destroyer of trusting hearts is drunk... has lost all control.

Stubborn selfish me
Wanting everything and never being happy
Always relying on others to fill that void
The hurt I cause will surely haunt me
There was an intensity between us
I became addicted and nothing else mattered
If I could pray
I'd pray for your happiness
For your peace
For your joy
I wish I could have been the one to make all your dreams come true
I wish I could have been the one that you could rely on

For one night everything was
Almost
Like it was 3 months ago
I gave the kids hugs and tucked them into bed
It's  harder to heal a broken heart
When you're the one who dropped it
She's doing a good job of healing on her own
We still share a laugh and a smile
And long periods of awkward silence
We are forever connected
I was wrong
And I knew it from the beginning
Fate is an unworthy excuse
Yet
Here we are
Almost
Like it was 3 months ago
Me,  quietly grieving over another suicide
This time
It was someone I knew
Someone I connected with
during a handful of stolen moments in February
Now her little girl will never know her
Gone
Sometimes we don't get to say goodbye
I imagined her ghost walking into the room,
Asking me why I never called her back

I begged to be forgotten
Breaking promises like there was nothing better to do
And now I am

Carry over
More than just damage
Pieces of shattered dreams
Remnants of me

Perfect love discarded like the ashes of a fallen friend
My greed has led me down this path
This dark and unknown road
My heart has deceived me once again
If I could go back
If I could rewind
I'd have control
I'd keep what was once
Mine

Her house was right in the center of town
Between a church and a flower shop
I must have drove right passed her a thousand times
But some summer day came
We collided
Our lives crashed together
Chaos in the midst of hurricanes
A smile arose out of the concrete sadness
The faint sound of laughter in the distance
A lover's stare
A formidable opponent for the comfortable and known
A curiosity corrupts my tainted soul
We smoke together
Laugh together
Eat together
Work together
Bleed together
Runaways in no particular direction
A sacred uncontrollable
Obsession

Vacation
From a life
Pathway procrastinator
Advanced destruction
Psychological decimation
Can I ever come back from this?
Started with a glance
Lust envelopes the both of us
Unjust love
Infection no medicated protection
We become our obsession
Quickly regressing
Life to the point of tears

I was drying out,  dying in the monotonous desert of time
I would rather sleep than breathe
Hollowed out chest an empty caress
A blessing I could not appreciate
The storm struck without warning
As I leaned over the edge staring into the unstoppable fury of this blue eyed sweet natural disaster
I surrendered to her
And she took me into a new reality
But what becomes of those I leave behind?
What becomes of my new found soul
A new love

I'm up before the sun chases all the stars away
Overwhelmed by all the vows that I must break
My arrogance and greed have brought me to this day of great deceit
But what now of the karma I must reap?
She looks at me like someone from another time
Like I've slipped through the cracks of my other life
Narrow my focus now to her
But what becomes of all the hurt?
I'm not ready to decide I'd rather just sleep and hide I cannot stop my mind from lying
I try to steady my hand as I pen this plan, but I just scribble out demands ******* I'm trying
Who am I kidding?  I asked for all of this with a grin,  each and every little sin,  it's better if she knows that I am not worth a single tear,  not one for a single year of this decade we'd built together.

I'm struggling to place the faces where and when they're supposed to be
But is it up to me?
I don't know anymore
We ran right into this
And everyone is waiting
To see how it all will end
I'm no better than you
You're no better for me
Stealing moments away
Through the cracks in eternity

I can clean all the dirt off
You can pull out the weeds
Some flowers will grow
In the places we see
But I can't help but feel
That none of this is real
Say nothing
It's better to let the silence comfort us in times of uncertainty

I dont know how you do it
So natural
You give all of yourself to things you know will fade away
I brace myself
Knowing, I'm one of those temporary things

An unending quest for peace
Im letting go of trying to please
All the wrong people
All the wrong people
This is no one's fault
This is all on me
I try to escape myself
Wish I could let it go
All the wrong people
I smile and waste all of my energy on
You seem like a pleasant, wonderful and strong human being but I cannot relate
Im just trying to escape myself
In you
And you deserve better

Message in a plastic digit brought me into your garden this morning. Color scheme bright life sun succubus hidden down a dirt alley beyond the church just past the funeral parlor.
Trouble. Surrounded by angels, temptation petals and keyphrases. Lonely. House meant for a family. The sadness underneath your permanent smile. Is this why she can't stop? An awkward goodbye paused caught in a smoke ring. Eden, maybe Ill see you around.

Is this meant to be
A fresh and quite violent dream
For one day I awakened
In this body
And I ****** everything up ever since

The unexpected ones seem to care more when you're suffering
When you're like sunlight the others drown themselves in your presence
When your eyes become dull and broken
There's not so many flowers in the field

Little blue and smooth
Goes down easier than it should
Cure the consciousness
Nothingness feels so good
I say im sorry
Don't worry
It's nothing
Please don't be mad
All I want to do is sleep
It's not so bad
Yeah I'm just overthinking things
So goodnight
So I'll see you in another quiet peaceful place
Where I am free

Ritual cycle
Eat,  sleep and repeat
Fight,  sweat, beg and bleed
Cordless and bored
Can't afford a more important course
Tour the tunnels
Force the worm to sacrifice itself
Sleep away the overwhelming since that this is all there is
Ego is greedy and never satisfied
The destroyer, must avoid her
Try not to stare into her eyes
Fall in slow motion into a comfortably numb existence
The silence of revelation
The deadend of procrastination
The hollow beat of hearts encased captivity

Settled comfortably in to our safety harnesses
Protected from all of the life that begs to eat us
We couldn't see inside
Where the parasitic thoughts are born
A sin for the weekend wrapped inside a plastic bag alibi
You hold tight to the memory
Prescription of hope and the bottle almost empty
A magnified moment
A vibe that seemed to transcend
A paradox not meant
For our consumption

I come down hard like a landmark targeted heart
A falling star destined to scar and then fall apart in your arms
All eyes on the body language
Words get lost in between the moments our pupils cross and become locked and dilated
This sweet fascination may be two dangerous relationships lay wasting at the feet of fate's ultimate destination
A life lived uninspired
You are no muse
Merely to amuse this ego
Eyes like green fire
A sacrifice to use as you desire
What will become of us
When we learn to trust
Lust in a small town
As we await the fallout?
Naked ring finger screaming unavoidable obstacles
Pain is probable
Alternative timeline in real time
To believe the impossible
You adjust what we must to contain this attraction
Single out distractions
Interference and static

I couldn't memorize the scriptures
Words get caught in between my mind and my mouth
I murmur worthless phrases
When my blood feels like static
Underneath my skin
Seventeen Sundays and you come to visit me
It's always been too hot here for you
But I've always felt safe next to the fire
A wave of silence between us
Always comes crashing in
Drowning everything that could have been

They say money
Makes the man
Inside of these walls
There is no plan
I've built these boundaries
You cannot get in
Days all run together
Cannot find my desire
The bonds I have severed
Just the ashes of my fire
And I could not find the strength
I merely reveled in the pain
The all consuming silence
Serves as my reminder
Of everyone
Of everything
Of all the time
I have lost

set foot on the road out of nowhere
Never mind which way you go

The occasion called for goodbye
The anticipated day of their imminent separation
Penciled in thoughts that she could not say
A folded up love letter
Demanded closure
A slight of hand
Last time
An uncertain wave
A sip of bitter realization
From the lips of yesterday
She saw through his smile
Deep into the hollow shell
The former home of creation
To the shallow eyes of submission
Clawing through layers of freshly painted on make up
The kind of mask that won't come off

Things I say but do not do
I love you
Lust an empty
Awakened activity
In midsleep
Empty

Wasted tick tocks
Automatic hands
Praying for the white noise
Whispers to block the constant
Reminder
I must be still
And still awake
I burned the ticket
I learned my place
I used to court angels
Now I just wait
I am still
Hypnotized
By the rhythm
Those robotic hands
Automatic set
Seconds of selective regrets
Conscious continuum
Subliminal reset needed

Awaken with a song playing in my mind
"you're the reason I'm still holding on"
Shaking off the blurry interference of absurd dreams
"With the vampires, baby
We belong"
The consuming smiles of loved ones
capture me in memories
"you're the reason Im still up at dawn"

Tear away my skin from you
Was a habitual dilemma
Sell your skin as canvas
Still and bleeding ink with *******
I can't find the drugs
Dear rugged dangerous angel
Where do you find your purpose
Fear the hammer
Sudden thud
Reality
Ashes,  dust and mud
Clean your wings
Those pretty painted things
So you may fly
Without resistance

In the absence
Time
A face expressionless
Without desire
The space black
Avoid pathos
A void
Repeat
Unspoken
Pale thoughts
Lacking
Emotion
Devotion melts away
The lava of thoughts
The destroyer
Distributes
Words and phrases
Too soft to hurt
Too quiet
To see
Too weak and rare
To assemble

The calm eyes lay upon the chaos
The deep still water
The sea content to see the sky repent
The air
The companion
The water
The protection
Shielding the lurking ugly nature
In the deepest shadows
Beyond the edge of the sun

Today you dried your mouth out.
Tried out sobriety.
Apathy left you in the dark.
Spitting back ashes.
The flames left you little lipstick kisses.
The dead bury their heads deep, but you can still see their necklaces.

I work
A yearly portal
Begs entrapment
Little time for the better things
Sweet sleep
Another life
Upon the waters' sweet surface flow
Steady myself as the gentle waves
Rock me into lucid darkness
The days
The nights
Pass
I work
Pass the water
Burn the whiskey tongues
Hopeful birds
Sleeping on their feet
Side to side glances
Frontal objective
Breaking arrow *******
An ode to mother's earth
A genetic follie
DNA post traumatic
Brain damage
Let her go
Simple
Quick
Like the dreams we had
When we were young
Upon some unnamed
Moment
Of submission
To the days
The nights that must
Devour breath and hours
As if it were never ours

The slow no longer burning smothered smouldering memory of a fire
Released
And vaporized
I feel nothing

Some times you need to stop, realize
You've been driving blind,
Take a moment of time for reflection,
Reset yourself in the correct direction,
Let go of those obsessions that have clouded your perception,
It's so easy to doubt yourself
When you won't settle for less than perfection,
Trying to fit in to someone else's vision within their pupils,
Get lost in indecision,
The fault lines of my scruples,
Don't let the foundation of your core self
Be set only on trying to procure more wealth,
Everything in due time,
Find a moment to remind
Your mind
The reasons why you try,
Your specific intentions
And that life is worth it,
Remember, "Don't be so ******* yourself,  nobody's perfect. "
Scars are just life's art,
The night stars in your eyes
Are purpose

Youre unavoidable
Trust me
Ive tried
For so long
I never was a believer
I swear I was a nihilist
All the way through my bones
But that all changed
The day I met you
I pass the time
Trying to slow down my heartbeat
learning to breathe
Calming that rhythm
Clearing the subconscious
easing into the quiet serenity
Of this darkened moment
Becoming comfortable with
The shadows that surround me

Sleep seems
it will be kept out of reach
Another night closer
To that place on the beach
I gave you the wheel
I gave you the keys
All you had to do
Was find your way to me
there is only fear
An illusion, we both know
It must be my turn to steer
I know just the way to go
There must be know looking back
I will not turn around
There is a place for the past
let it rest deep in the ground
I know that we can get there
If we both hold on tight
Through this darkened tunnel
Somewhere there is a light
They said it wasnt fate
that it was simply wrong
Too many hearts would break
If we chose to write this song
Oh how we resisted
how we tried to turn around
We closed our eyes and hearts
But still could feel the sound
Of our song

There was but a short
Important moment of clarity
Hiding underneath
What at the time I recognized
Only as defeat
My timing couldnt have been worse
I rushed
I wanted
I feared I was wasting time
When I was merely
trying to force the tomorrow I desired
Patience
Calmness
Faith
I had lacked
Now I do not fear
The inevitable moments to come
I quietly rest
I know
Tomorrow is just another step
Tonight's purpose
Is to let the fire spread
Even if I do not feel
The warm caress of the flames
Even If I do not hear the song
In your voice
I will let time
Burn the embers of resistance
I will wait
Patiently
I will prepare
For the storm to dissipate
I have chosen a place
In the sand
To watch the sun rise

Learning to breathe
Release my grip
Let go
I tell myself
To know
Is to free myself
Of any illusions
Of control
There is no right way
To despair
A muse to amuse my ego
How I used you
Because you were
There
but I,
I let go

I watch all of the                    
Doubt
Anger
Jealousy
Fear
Longing
Swirl together
In bright neon colored waste
Spinning
Counter clockwise
Down the drain
I wash my hands
And exit the room
Breathing is getting
A little easier now
But what of tomorrow?
I wonder  selfishly
Follow the plan
Detach
Observe
Extract
That which I can
Extract
again

My English Professor says that I am not that good of a writer. I should have known by all the garbage I lugged around with me. Espousing it here and there. Trying to lighten the load. It's better to accept it I suppose. Not everything can be good. It'***** and miss. If I throw enough **** at the wall some of it is bound to stick. He said, "You can only be as good as the stuff you read." Maybe I should read more good ****. Any suggestions? I like to read Bukowski. He says Bukowski is trash. I really don't care what he thinks. I'll be happy with a C. And hopefully, a degree one day. He reads The New York Times and rambles on about politics. I read trash and I don't talk very much. I'm too busy thinking about liquor and women. Usually one at a time or one in particular. I work, go to school and come home to play mediocre superdad or distant husband. I wonder if I'll get that degree. I wonder if I even really care anymore. And if not, then why? Maybe there is some fateful reason for all this. That's what people like to say, "Everything happens for a reason." It sure feels good to think like that. Seems that way.

Another night of liquor
A bottle gone to my despair
of drowning out the thoughts with music
That **** the silent air
She knows somethings wrong
She knows im weak in spirit
She hears it in the songs
She reads it in the lyric
Another day of duty done
The bills are paid in vain
My brother says just carry on
So i carry on again
I write another drunken prose
With words so simple i compose
A verse, a curse, a wishful spell
To break the monotony of this hell
Nothing special
Just a mess ive made
Another song
For another day

Nothing I appreciate more
Than a listening eye
An honest mouth
And a genuine smile
A voice absent of daggers or broken glass or whatever weapons most use to cut down
To hurt
There is power in your soul
Use it to love and to console
Those of us who are broken
Or vessels of repaired cracks
Feel harder
The stabbing breath of the bitter

You either jump
Or you find yourself one day
Wiping the bitter
Regret from your wrinkled
Lifeless face
Still wondering
If she would
Have been
Waiting there
With the rest of her life
Stuffed in a suitcase
Waiting to take your hand
To where ever your entangled
Fates would lead

When this fever breaks the levee
Salt water eroding the sand
A sea of old emotions
That got out of hand
A Hot water tsunami
Ignored the warning
A sunset hidden
Beyond the clouded thought

Not composed
And no composure
No more love for
Or sense of closure
Wont bring you roses
I attract these vultures
When one door closes
My window opens
Releases the smoke in
To the breeze
A calming motion
I shun emotions
You evoke them
Im done and hopeless
Too much of your
Hopeless potion
Has me chokin
I let go then
You just keep throwin
All the flaws you notice
Walls keep closin
Eyelids refuse to close and
Pupils remain focused
Penetrated my dialated
Heart is still broken
Your ego needed strokin
So i fed you my soul
You devoured what was left of me
to empower your shallow self esteem
So wasted the time
Forgotten moments