The look in your eyes doesn't look like you anymore
The dark circles under your eyes, the smell of smoke upon your clothes
And you haven't said a word in hours, because you don't speak, you close
Every inquiry off with misdirection and no's
We know you aren't okay, dear, you can't hide it from anyone
Especially when you can't keep the secrets from yourself
How can you expect to get your pain past everyone else?
When the world turns to ****, you try to disappear
Your look changes, you give up on everything you hold dear
You run to those you hate, because you feel you won't get through
But you know when you leave, I'll look for where you flew
Because even when you can't love you, well, I still adore you
And when your look isn't the same, that's okay
Because I'll help you find yourself again anyway
And for all the time your silent, I still hear the chiming of your laugh
I still see you there smiling, our love transparent like glass
I know you can't understand it right now, and that's fine
Because you'll come to understand our love in time
One day you'll be ready, and you'll finally take my hand
And we can float up into space as planned

even in sleep you are aggressively alive,
recklessly optimistic.
you twitch and twist against me
and I don't know how your arm
hasn't fallen asleep beneath the back
of my neck like that.
your short-winded lungs slow down,
your breathing gets rough,
even in sleep you are fighting
for air

and you are getting it.

there's four kinds of love poems.

1. the one about the guy who you wish to experience. the guy who makes you wonder. the guy you're curious about. the man who has dreams not yet revealed. the guy you have made a picture of in your head. the one you want to know.

2. the guy who broke your heart. the boy you love. love him more than anything, but maybe youre just not in love anymore. the boy who never quite transitioned to a man. the 'wrong time.' the one you thought you would live your life with. the one who wasnt perfect, or even great, but you thought of him the world.

3. the comparison. who you thought you loved, but realized later on there is a love much stronger. the people who fall into this category grows bigger with experience and time.

4. the love of your life and if you're lucky, hopefully he's the same person as number one.

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I say it in my head again.
Again.
Out loud.
But just above a whisper.
Repeat it again in the shower.
It gets  lost in the melody.
Mixing in the steam in the background.
Back to the head for shaving and teeth.
Master of using the mirror,
without ever quite looking at myself.
By now I'm remembering you again.
It comes and it goes.
Like a cough like a sneeze like a seizure.
Like a moth to a flame.
                                         Or a maybe an addict.
A bit louder because somewhere,
something lights across my synapses
A face, a laugh, a kiss, a memory.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Faster.
Both because I'm late.
And because I'm fearfully close.
Close to that razor fine edge of
put together and hot mess.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Keys and gone into the day.
I'll wander the streets.
Because I hope if I listen.
I will hear you too
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.