You convinced me that I could be loved
that I was beautiful.

I realize I am without you
but it doesn't stop the want.

Now I'm just a whisper
of the smooth low morning voice
I loved to speak to you with.

Now I'm just the skin
you used to touch, and you'd tell
me you liked it so much.

I haven't eaten in two days
because I'm sick to my stomach
over your lies.

White lines, crushed pills
call my name, begging to numb the pain.

I'd let you in again on my own terms.
I'm always twisting words
remembering when you brought me to tears
your stories, your mind is war torn.

Now you're just another
playing me in some sick game
I've been subjected to before.

I ask why I'm never good enough
but I haven't forgotten my worth.

I am crumpled morning hair, black coffee and poetry.
I am deeply emotional, understanding.
I am filled with wonder, every sunrise and sunset.

I would be the dedicated love
you always wished for.

But here I am, questioning
my own worth
because someone else
is blind to it.

I ache for you,
and yet
I pity you
for not seeing
my worth.

January
I told myself this was the year
My heart was sore and my thoughts were heavy
I kept to myself and hated being bothered
I didn't like living too much

February
I admitted I was my own problem
But I sat
And I waited
For my world to change for me.

March
Feeling unbelievably numb to life
And watching time go by in flashes.
I learned to observe and I learned that writing soothed anxiety quite well

April
I didn't write.
I don't remember what I did.
It must have been dull.

May
I dreamed about escaping my personal confinements.
However, I didn't.

June
I loved the sun.
I got a job.
I felt indifferent.

July
Possibly the peak of my self hatred
I let their words get to me
I tried throwing up. I failed.
I spotted a boy at work.

August
I turned 17
And knew I needed to change.
I created courage on a not so special day
I forced myself to talk to the boy.
And I felt ******* powerful.

September
Junior year began
I did things I loved and
Quit things I didn't

October
I slowly realized
That if I loved myself
The world will too

November
Boys lined at my door
But I never cared for them
I cared only for myself
And I loved every second of everyday

And now it's December
And I've learned that I don't need a new year, new month, or even a new day to start over
I am not bound by any measurement of time
And if I want to change
I have the power to.

She was the moon.
Fair, serene, and powerful.
He was the sun.
Luminous, warm, and strong.
Unknowingly chasing each other around the globe,
Growing weary,
Becoming hopeless,
Until an eclipse.
And the whole world stopped to watch,
as the pair met in the ebony sky.

I love the way you look in the moonlight that filters in through the window
(I love the simple fact that you are here with me in the moonlight)

Your hair smells amazing
(I inhale you every chance I get in every state you are in and hold it in my lungs because I want it to intoxicate me)

Your hair looks fantastic
(it floats downward from the top of your brilliant mind and cascades like your thoughts, pours like your words in our half-drunk midnight conversations)

Your smile is so pretty
(when you smile at me it lights me up and makes me feel, if even for an instant in this time of my life that is so shambled and broken, whole)

Can I have a hug?
(hold me, embrace me, envelope me, if only to let me know you are real)

Let’s go to bed
(where I can confuse physical love with emotional, take refuge in confirming our relationship with *** because it’s easier than risking my whole trust, easier than leaving myself bare before you with the certainty that one day, eventually, you will tear my heart out and crush it)

No, that’s ridiculous. Why would you say that?
(I’m terrified that you know me so well)

I don’t think I can make it tonight
(I’m terrified that you know me so well)

Can’t we talk?
(I get it, you backed away because I did but I’m going to blame you because I can’t blame myself, don’t you see? Can’t you see how utterly self-absorbed I am but also woefully lacking self-confidence? I refuse to share any of this with you, I can’t let you know it but if you saw it I’d acknowledge it, at least I think I will, and you know me so well so why can’t you see it)

I don’t think we should see each other anymore
(please, please, please make me realize how utterly foolish I am. Please slap me and scream at me)

Say something
(your total lack of reaction destroys me more than anything)

You look really pretty
(so beautiful, majestic, magnificent and I love you. I love the tears I have made you cry so silently and I hate myself so much for this moment because of that. I love you and only now as you walk away do I realize it)

Fine. Go.
(the ease with which you leave is painful and will linger for years)

…
(Please stop walking, please. I was wrong. Please.)

I lost myself between your limbs
But found myself in your smile