It's kind of like there are holes in reality
And often times a hand is reaching out
Grabbing at my feet and attempting to pull me underneath
Sometimes it succeeds
All too often I'm less concerned for myself and more so for what the people above me might think
Screaming excuses that sound barely audible to the ones still on the ground, I'm below you and you still don't know
To the people who haven't lost there footing and can't hear my cries
I know that I'm odd at times
And I'm sorry I can't let you in to see all the things happening inside
But quite honestly my head is the only acceptable place I've ever been able to hide

It's most likely just my ****** disposition
Picking flowers just to watch them wilt
Maybe I've just been wilting
Losing petals and color and life
I can't keep ahold of anything
Possibly just tearing out my own roots so no one else could do it for me
Tired of replanting myself and tired of trying to become acquainted to new soil
Adaptation is ******* and I don't want to play with change anymore but it's so ******* unfortunate how you usually have no choice or say in the matter, it's always so forced
Forced to change or sit in the ruines
And sometimes, I do
Sometimes I stay there until I can't breathe in anymore ash
Ether streaming to my lungs making its home there
Sometimes I stay there long after everyone has left and I sit in it as long as I can
Sometimes I leave before it can happen
Sometimes it never does
I tell myself it would have if I'd have stayed
It would have changed
Maybe it's just my ****** disposition
Telling me that no matter what changes I make
None of them will ever constitute as enough that your heart could ever feel the same as mine
Now it's pounding in my temples telling me that I'm wasting my time
Not enough, unloveable
Not enough for anyone, but you aren't just anyone
You're so much more and I have so much less than most
And then comes the rejection of the thought, the tantrum, the dissociation, the I don't need love, the I'd rather be alone my entire life than deal with the pain of loving someone like there was a knife pressed against me and having them shove it in
I don't need love
But no matter how long that last
I always want yours

Maybe you've just got to understand that you simply aren't and cannot be the soft little bunny that people around you wish you were
Maybe you were made out of the tight grip you keep on your knife when you walk at night and blank stares so cold you ice over men's ego
Maybe you were made from the fire that runs through your mothers veins and the way she let your father treat her just to keep you safe but you need to listen closely now
Your sharp edges are just as beautiful as that little creatures purity
You aren't merely a person
You're a tornado and you're lightning and fire and roaring oceans and you're the moon
But even through this
You hold more beauty in you than you will ever know
Maybe you aren't easy to love or understand but the ones that do cannot forget about the mark you left on them
You're breath taking and you are blinding and intense and what can be more alluring than all of this
Nonetheless, you are loved
No matter what thoughts your head tries to drown you in
You are loved

I'm trying to remember how to write poetry, but lately I've been living it
Touching your skin has calmed all the words that I've ever had boiling in me
Being with you is like putting smoke in the honey combs to calm the bees and you're the smoker
But also the honey I want to protect with all of my little life
I'm the swarm of bees because God knows I can't keep my mind quiet without you
It's not a good thing, I don't rely on you but I've never felt something so surreal as laying down entangled in one another
I'm addicted to the way you talk in your sleep and the way you place your tongue when you think and the things that you say to put me at ease
Mainly, I'm addicted to you
Your messy hair and messy house and messy words and you're still beautiful throughout it all
I've been completely love sick for months on end and they just keep coming
Something new, to scare me, to make me feel like everything we built will collapse
But you're still here and I'm still sleeping in your bed when I actually can get to sleep and stop looking at my world snoring softly beside me
I love you so fully it's eating at my mind, because all I can feel is my heart swelling inside me

You're going to realize that I'm not worth staying for
You're going to realize it even if you don't have to go like you say you might
You told me you might disappear and never come back and all I could do was cry because I finally gained some hope that you might not leave this time
You might not come into my life again just to leave it a wreck like the last
Like a ******* tornado, ripping all my heartlessness and disinterest out of the roots of who I am and seeing some of the things I keep down so deep inside just to vanish
Abandonment should feel normal by now but I never felt like my entire structure was collapsing when someone left until it was you
I realized that hope is the worst thing a person could have
It will destroy everything you thought you had
I'm going to blink and the only thing I loved is going to be gone
You're going to leave me
And I'm going to act like it's okay until I can't breathe and I haven't left my bed for weeks and I quit smoking because it's too much to move from my mattress to the window
Because I can't find a lighter and I lose everything I touch
I shouldn't have ever touched you
I shouldn't have ever met you, you're going to destroy me
You're going to leave me in ruins but none of it ******* matters when I've got your skin on mine and your lips on mine and your eyes on me I could care less about the things that you're going to do to me
I've never meant what I've written so ******* much in this moment
Abandon all hope
It's a sinking ship
If you want to die, hold on but I'm ready to jump
I wish that things could be different
In a different life I think we could be together for a very long time
But this world isn't that one
And no matter how much I wish it was and how much I want to wake up to you every morning it just isn't going to happen

You've got me choking on smiles
Laughing at crooked brain waves
Sometimes I don't know what to say
But you've started to settle in
Like sand in the ocean
Once you past a certain point you can only sink deeper from there
You've got me choking on laughter
Like I'm trying to swallow it and pretend it wasn't ever there
I like that I don't have to try so hard
And that you like me better when I don't
Don't overanalyze it too much
I do it just enough for the both of us
But you're starting to take it away and I'm smirking just thinking about saying your name
Most of the time I don't even know what I'm saying
But I like the fact that I'm into the idea of staying

We've let the world harden us
We've become afraid of keeping our softness
Mistaking being vulnerable with being malleable
Because before we get hurt we're open books
Letting fingers skim our pages
Letting minds invelop us
Not afraid to be seen or touched or loved
Then someone is careless
All it takes is once
Careless hands and hearts and heads we've let change us
Like a chemical reaction things cannot be repaired to the way they were before
And we've become callused
We've developed shells and locks and steel walls to trap ourselves away
To make sure no one will ever do the things that they have to us again
We become cold and distant and I'm not sure if I can fathom that this is not irrevocable
I won't say that I can't try with all my might
I won't say that
This isn't permanent and we unfreeze ourselves and thaw out once the right warmth gets close to us
And were left open, sometimes people will read through us, they study our every word like they're in a trance and still decide that they don't want to ever pick us up again
Sometimes the pages get ripped out and burned and sometimes we get written in and thrown away and left in boxes or never touched
But even with a few missing pages
Even being changed
One day someone will pick us up and read us over and over again
They'll keep pieces of us inside their heads and recite words that are written throughout us
They'll never keep us far away
One day someone is going to knock down all your walls
They won't do it in a way that feels like you're crumbling but one that you're unsure of when it started to happen or how and before you know it you will have let them in and they'll unlock doors for you so you can see what's been there the whole time
So be hard, be cold as ice, be distant, be quiet, be closed off, just know that it won't always work
All your efforts might not keep you protected
Someone is going to warm you up straight to your bones and wake all the bees in your stomach from their slumber and restart your heart in such a way that you couldn't remember the last time you felt your blood screaming in your veins declaring itself alive and in love
You're going to fall in love with someone that wants to live inside of you and never wants to leave
And it's going to feel like going home