I've got pieces of my soul telling me to come home soon
If only they knew how hard I've been struggling to

I can write about all the ways we miscommunicate
Words and phrases and lack of response
Blank faced with no sense of emotion or displays of affection
Unsure of whatever spectrum we're on
But if we even are on the same one, we're on opposite sides
It's funny how I can bleed out through pen ink but I can't ever seem to annunciate
My words won't translate into how I feel to anyones face and yours is no exception in this case
Barriers I feel terrified to get through
The break downs are rough and like milk you had in the fridge for months
You forgot it was there but when you find it it's spoiled

I remember when you asked me if I ever really loved you
I told you that I did, but I don't know why I never told you
I never told you that I loved you because your laugh sounded like something no symphony could have compared to
Like you were stealing stars
Picking them out of the sky with your bare hands and hiding them in your stomach
So when you opened your mouth all I could see and feel was light
The scars in your skin reminded me of the moon's craters
Like you had weathered storms and bashings and so many collisions it was a surprise you hadn't crumbled
The result of it was on your flesh but you were still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen
And like the waves created by our satellites gravity, I always fell into yours
You moved and stirred me like the sea
Like I would lose every last piece of me and you'd become the only reason I felt moved by anything
Your eyes had more depth to them than any sinkhole or cave or ocean our planet could ever hold
I'd get lost in the way your pupils were like tunnels, entries to every last part of you that I couldn't run my fingers over and press my lips to but god, did I ******* try
They were like black holes that swallowed me whole and once I was in I was trapped inside of you and I never wanted to leave
I'd stare and stare and wonder how I'd see so much light in all the darkness
I loved you because you had always been the most beautiful concept I could never fully wrap my mind around
I loved you, and I always will to some degree
You became such an all encompassing piece of me

Love hungry
It's written on my skin
Desperate to get rid of every blank slate inside of myself
All these places I feel an absence of something I'm unsure of
Like I'm trying to soak it all up
Trying to absorb every last bit of anything I can
Your touch on my skin
I don't know why I'm beggining to think that was the best place to begin
Again I'm trying to suffocate my soul
I'm trying to let it morph and melt and turn into something else because maybe it's never really even been there
I don't want to feel me
I feel my chest weighing heavy and I wish it was because someone else's was on top of it
But it isn't and all these thoughts keep making my body so much heavier
Stacking itself up on top of my bones
They seem so strong but after all this time they are cracking
I know that no one can take this from me
That all the skin and eyes and hands and words and poison won't undo all the things that I have let saturate me
They won't change them into anything else
Even if you paint over something, what was there before will always show when the paint begins to peel but I never even get to the point of letting it dry and falling in love changes my colors but it's all just stacking up and mixing into itself and all I am is ******* messy beyond a previous point
I should have stopped
All it's done has turned me black and heavy
I've been mixing all these colors because I don't understand what moderation is and I don't know why I won't stop trying to cover everything in a different color to be something other than what I am and what I'm not
I have become a bit of it all but I'm beginning to think that nothing can ever make me whole
Not having someone love me through their entire soul, not even that will make me whole
It's just wasting time waiting for the downpour and it won't even bring me a fresh page but something even harder for me to grasp
My lack of understanding is never ending and I'm still screaming at the sky for not having a silver lining or at least one that I could ever find and it's too **** difficult to just make up my mind
All I can say to myself now is I'm sorry, I tried

Getting close to me is like watching a train wreck and loving me is like hugging the train
Sacrificing yourself for a nobody with a sarcastic smile on her face laughing at the trembling in your legs
I can't keep making decisions for everyone but myself but you're being too nice to me
I know you're soft and I've got fangs
My joints are dislocated and overgrown
And all my nerves and veins are wrapping themselves up in coils the second I hear your name
When you touch me I yank myself away
Soft limbs harden
I've got serpents in my stomach that are just itching themselves to climb up my esophagus and bite off your tongue
Just to say I told you not to put your lips so close to mine
I don't bother easily
Even when your teeth are digging into me I still want to laugh at the fact that you're shaking your legs but it's been a heat stroke inducing kinda day
I know you could've never guessed why I kept an arms distance between you and I at nearly all times
I'm making up excuses just to make sure you don't stay
Because the truth is that it's not yours to know
I'm sorry that I'm always driving the get away car and leaving you at the crime scene
But you never robbed a bank, it's just the only way I can think of to keep you safe
I'm not going to stick around and make you keep swallowing all the lumps in your throat
They weren't supposed to be there and I don't know why you keep pushing them back down because you know every single time I hear the sounds you make
I'm not going to take you with me because you don't deserve the accessory to robbery label that would get pinned to your chest

I remember sloppy fingertips on hazes of you
You left notes on my doorstep in the screaming storms with flickering streetlights and leaking roofs
And every time I'd pick them up the ink was on my skin but I could never read the words
You never wrote me letters until it was raining and I'd never get them until they were soggy and disformed and molding to my bones
I'd feel them but I could never decipher a single word
It was like you didn't want me to know what they meant but you always wanted me to know they were there
Maybe that's the reason I started to get so scared
You wrapped me up in blankets when it was cold
But I'm not sure if I was ever something you wanted to hold

And I'll add this to the list of things that make my bones ache
I just want to give it a go but everything is happening so slow
Dissatisfaction is never displaced when it comes to me
Stop raising your standards so high because I'm tired of having to say goodbye
I don't want my cheeks to turn soggy because I couldn't make yours not
It wasn't my job to take care of you and I've been having such a difficult time taking care of myself that I'm not sure I could handle feeling at fault for not upholding unspoken obligations you passed to my shadow when I was turned around and my eyes got blinded by the sun
Let's start over
I never meant to make you smile when I saw you because I didn't think you'd give it back to me when I gave you mine
But see somehow I'm always off track
This night keeps dragging on and it's been repeating the same tired song
You say love like it's more than a word but there's too many feelings inside me to place what I feel for you in a mere four letters
Maybe I'm scared to say it because I don't think it's real but you make it eloquent and fluid and alive and I never thought I'd say it but I don't want it back this time
I'll give and give and give until I'm all used up and empty but I'm not ready to die don't make me tell you I was never alive
I don't want to give it back you're going to put me off track and take it right back after it's there and then it's gone and it's still the same tired song
I'm sorry I could never just shut my mouth and play along