I've been watching him from afar
I was seven when the spark lit my heart
He was always on fire, up on the stage,
insightful and underweight

It's just a farfetching crush,
Turned into a vision for my life trajectory
Like an infamous gold rush,
I did everything just to go downhill

A story about delusions and dilemmas
Infatuation and inevitable non grata
How I follow the trails of his shadows
Breadcrumbs by his back show untold

In the alma mater
I learned I don't matter
I am too familiar with his glares
And yet, I can't and won't stop and stare

I am too conversant with his scoffs
Everytime he hears my name
And still, I don't know how to dislike
His disapproval of my existence

There's this itch I need to scratch
There's this ick... I am down, down so bad
I want to know him more and more
Heaven is if he noticed me in a new lore

It's obsession and overflowing adoration
He's an ever-changing stock price
I'm the stagnant river by his home
One that stays true in every trials

This is a tale about my small town pride
It's about his fair flair, black hair,
and his four-tiered brown eyes
A blessing erudite to the Australian sky

I walk on the clouds just to see him smile
Free-falling in fatal gravity like a lifestyle
Huff and puff, I can disappear, go all out
Just so his frown can turn upside down

I'd hide and erase marks of my being
I'd shrink in contra of his upbringing
Just so he can breathe a fresh air,
Oxygen purified from my suffocating self

God, I wish I'm not so ahead of myself
Sometimes I think I put him on a shelf
Somewhere too high,
A pedestal I could not reach or climb

He is dazzling,
With an impeccable bloodline
I am a dim light,
A soul-sucker with sad eyes

We're the total opposite, like parallel lines
That will never meet
Puzzle pieces and jigsaws
That will never fit

Loving him from afar, that's all I ask
In distance, I keep him in sweet memoirs
In distance, I am safe from his rejection
In distance, I bask in dejected appreciation

I want him happy for he is so amazing
I don't dare of wanting or pursuing him
Such beauty shan't get tainted by me
I will let him be...I will let him live

One day when I'm at his wedding,
I'd be the happiest girl ever
For I'm free of shackles for a lifetime
Him living rent-free... haunting my mind

The echoes of your voice calling out to me
Saying "hey, it's okay, you're safe here"
and all the words to shine a light
when I'm in the dark

You said that you're here
...and that I'll be fine
But you're not here
...and I'm in the dark
It's dark...and tough

All these weighs in my heart
get heavier at once
Oh, the irony...
To hear comfort
from someone I hurt

The gift of my erasure
got treated as a punishment
Nobody bat an eye
whenever I walk out the door...
But you did.
With those tears,
only you did.  

With conviction
that even if I'm deprived of love
I tell myself it's fine
...but I'm not fine.
Still, acceptance banging on the wall
A loud roar I have to submit to...
Because I made the call
and end it all

Everything crash down,
ball out of the court
You were gone ...long gone
I shot you down, and the gun remains

No sign of pulse
in your vein
No more love
remain for me

So what pulls the trigger in...?
What caused the bullet of memory
to pierce right through?

It's June, twenty two ,
back then,
you used to be you...

A faith I taught to diminish within me
A better future in which I cease to exist
How can ailing willpower amount to this
I concede then reaffirms my negativity

I told myself again and again
That there's nothing for me to gain
Hereafter
Farfetching to chase after

In made-up fallacies I conjure in my head
In battlefields I initiated in my mind
My patheticness which I put into excuse
Because of my well-put strife

There is nothing for me...
I don't know if river of wine is fine-dine
I couldn't recall what it is like
To get the answer to all my whys

But...when we talked,
For a moment
I saw heaven in a friend
I saw heaven in you

And then through fogs in my mind,
Beacon of light cut through
And clear the mist
There's you

I swear I saw it in your eyes
In pink cheeks and blushing purple sky
Depth of your dimples consume me
In your effervescent smile

Visions of heaven...don't have to be grandeur
Gold, glitters, sparkles...can also suit a sinner
A terrible person can turn terrific
What's been awful can turn awesome

You taught me this in such subtleties
Then... it hits me

I do not wish to be apart from you
For 10 years...all we were was together
We'd have teatime every Saturday
And be friendly neighbours

Our kids will be best friends like us
And I'll save your seat in every occasion
Because you bring me back when I'm lost
And I was a goner just now,
until you laugh it the hell out

I don't want to be in any dimension
In which it's reek of your absence
I don't want to be cursed with hellish misery
And let damnation wreak havoc within me

We made a promise
When we were thirteen
That we'd keep each other company
I can't let you lonely

So...Wherever you'll be
I have to be there too
My most ardent friend
I'll try to catch up with you

I'll be good, I promise
We'll both make it through
For I saw heaven in a friend
I saw heaven in you