Let me wrap you in my shadow,
Within it's embrace you shall find your long lost solace
Paradoxes and ambiguities
Are what make me

Stuck within an endless cycle of time,
How could I ever unwind,
Or decide,
To finally make up my mind?

In this ethereal place I wish to reside,
To spread out my time,
Like honey on burnt toast
Hold onto some forsaken figment of the clock,
See with my heart and not with my mind,
Listen with my beating heart,
Listen to all the love all about me,
Wrapping her safe arms around me.

My eyes are upon the heavens
My heart longs for home
I've been reaching for understanding
But plummeting down into uncertainty

My mind is a spiral
My heart a vagabond
My mind is full with morning fog
My heart is full of endless stars

Lord, awaken me
Take me, all of me
As thy instrument
Give me a purpose
Beyond all of this useless striving

Gently nudge me back to life
I've known grief, but I no longer want that
to be the main theme of my life story
I'll trade the sad stories in
For days of endless joy and meaning
Lord, give me what I am needing

I've said goodbye to troublesome vices,
I'm trying to rid my life
Of everything that gets in the way of your Love
I'm nearly empty
Of all of this self sabotage
So take me God,
And show me how much you love me.

wrap your hands,
grab it and hold tight
lavender silk
enveloping all of you
--sigh

release
lavender silk
drop into
the clouds

dreams
of iridescent skies
fantasize
with open eyes

float along
on the divine river
it will take you
where you need to be.

Silliness is a game
From silliness I can't refrain
It washes away the pain
It keeps me sane

I laugh a little too much
Smile a little too much
Cry a little too much too
But I'm living this life only once
And if you were as well, wouldn't you too?

Let it just be simple
The simple beauty of living
May I embrace
the simple pleasures
that beckon me

May I surrender
the heavy burdens
Of bitterness and trivialities
May I seek cautiously,
For my truest bliss
lies in the contentment
of the here and now--
my steady breathe
sustaining me

I always sought something more
walking through city streets
With a demolished heart
My mind was dark
and so was the world
There was very little love
I ever enjoyed

And though nothing has really changed
There is still
too much hatred in this world
And too much suffering
I've rediscovered the simple things,
I guess you could call it
Simply living

I no longer strive unnecessarily
I only open my heart
to a divine plan
that is embedded within me
For if you look closely
You'll see
the how everything is designed,
So meticulously

Like the branches of a tree
Growing outward
in fractal patterns
Or a rainbow
That follows a storm
Their is some sort of
Ethereal choreography to it all
And I just want to dance with it too
Dance with
this divine essence
tugging at me

Sometimes it's hard to believe
But even if I'm wrong,
I don't care
Because living this way
Keeps my heart open
to love
Both tenderly and fiercely
Love is life itself
Creation making love to creation

I've experienced
the darkness of a life
Outside of God's love
But what I didn't know
Was that I could never escape that
which is divine
It was merely an illusion
That lead me on a path to dying

Now,
I don't know what my future holds
I don't have it in the palm
of my hand like
I'd like to think
I'm not in control of it
Like a master manipulator
I've tried those ways
But they just don't work
Why push and strive
When instead I can have
peace and joyful life?

It's okay to surrender,
It's okay to let go
It's okay to not know
Just play and be free
Hey kid, take it easy
You've got a heart for a reason,
Don't trash it
I know it's been broken before
But there's no need to ration love
Love is in abundant supply
It can never run dry
And though some don't know
how to treat you right
Just set proper boundaries,
But never stop loving...
Trust me.

Slow and steady wins the race, I’ve learned
Yet over the years all I’ve wanted to do
Was burn burn burn
Everything that held me back from my idealized life
But my ideals have changed countless times
I’ve traded in so many aspirations and dreams
That I can’t resolutely claim that what I want right now will still be what I want in the future
I will continue to change
This is all I know for sure

I can see my freedom like a mirage in the distance
I want to run to it and take hold of it
Claim it as my own and never let it go
But I’m still shackled to past trauma and its effects
That led me into circumstances difficult to egress
But I’ll spiral upwards now instead of downwards,
Steadily making my way out of the abyss,
Slowly but surely climbing my way to freedom
And when I reach the crisp air of the blue sky,
One step away from finishing the climb
I’ll thank the stagnant darkness for all of its unexpected gifts,
And everything I learned from it.

the door cracked open
light flooded through that small crack
into the dark room

it's been dark for some time now,
years now
there is no way to be deliberate about this
when days take their own form
and harden, refusing to yield

and as an artist
I want to contort things to my own liking
I want to create my own reality
yet for this endeavor the price is high
for my days become full of useless striving
chasing all I think I want
but I'm left bewildered
when I find that everything I've chased all along
Has always been within me

for now I have a ***** in the armor of my heart
but soon my heart will no longer need armor
for it's love will shine forth,
mighty and true
it will be radiant and powerful
that it will no longer need
the injured identity and poorly constructed walls
the armor is comprised of
for the heart in it's authenticity
is the most potent force in all the universe
when we vow to live our lives with integrity
then we have promise ourselves
that we will break free from the rat race--
the endless suffering
of a purposeless life.

Slumber
Through decay
Slumber through the whole day
Time just keeps ticking away
And night creeps stealthily and soon
Until there is no more light, not even from the moon

Go on, let us continue in our sleep
Let's continue numbing the truths we wish not to speak
For even I know our future is bleak,
For even I know our future is bleak

I may not spend all my hours
Educating myself on politics
I'm out chasing butterflies like I'm still 5
But it doesn't take a smart person to know
That if we collectively continue in the direction we are heading
It will all go...
Their will be no more earth to sow
No more life to grow

I guess, maybe
This Universal death is inevitable
Natural, though catastrophic
Like frightened animals anticipating a storm
We're in a frenzy, running in circles
Turning to myriad vices and hollow hopes
Only to reach the final day
And realize,
Transcendence was not to be avoided
For through transcendence
We awaken

I see your smile,
Peeking from under your lowered head
Whenever my voice,
Like sweet honeysuckle glittering in sunlight,
Utters sentences like serenades,
Just for you

I notice these nuances
Little details everyone misses
My eyes are like crystals,
My mind, a sponge
Absorbing every angle of you,
All the myriad microexpressions,
Bleeding through your face,
It's a pattern I'm trying to track and decipher,
And yet,
I am no scientist,
I am merely
A woman deluded
With love.

Then there is my friend,
She is older,
Called plain by some,
But I like her
And yet
When I found out a few days ago
That she likes you,
Possibly adores you
My stomach erupted into distress
My thoughts a stewing mess
I tried to undress her every word,
Trying to figure out her motive for her loving you,
I concluded she is merely repeating a cycle that has burned her before,
Seeking comfort in various men,
They give her everything short of commitment

I saw her keep looking over at you
I sat still,
So as to not have the anger welling within me spill
She tried to hard in subtle ways,
I could read clearly,
How she was feeling
Yet whenever I spoke
A smile on your face awoke

You're just friendly,
That what she said
And all the girls like you,
Anyway
You look deeply into everyone's eyes,
Possibly because you like to glimpse beyond the disguise
You smile and laugh and are free!
And you are everything to me!
Yet, maybe you can't see,
Will she distract you,
Will she take you away from me,
Her eagerness is profuse,
Dripping through her every pore,
Yet I'll just sit back,
To observe and discern,
The outcome and intentions of your heart.

Clear icicles hung outside my bedroom window
Outside the world was frozen
Blanketed in a thick layer of snow
Sparkling winds carrying snowflakes on it's wings blew in
From the cracks of the window frame
I close my eyes and connect to a vestigial child-like whimsy
A smile breaks out on my face that I can't contain
The winds lift my spirits
And rejuvenate my hollow heart
In this moment I can feel it
My world falling a part
And even though I can see it
I welcome this new start
I am ready to surrender this life of empty striving,
To have my hands free
For all the possibility awaiting me.

I walked up the steps in
this old building
The steps called out to me
Eerily, and I followed the tug
in my soul
I am anxious
But I follow wherever it
tells me to go

Big windows
In empty rooms
Look out onto the street below
I'm so high above everyone
I say I feel like God
I see all my friends
Down below
I am unattached,
looking down
on the world

Nothing compares to a warm embrace
and eyes connecting and
a radiant smile on a loved one's face
But their is nothing quite like solitude
It's quiet
It's haunting,
it's serene
In solitude
you can hear the whispers of your soul
and discern clearly what they mean

I've always had trouble with connection
I feel perpetually an alien
even when I see I am loved
I could never be
truly convinced in my heart
But I feel most loved and
understood
In the silence,
In the comfort of withdrawal
Is when I feel most connected
To the life force from which
I live.

As I walked down those steps
Back into the living, breathing life of
contradictions
In it being so much futility and
triviality
I know that everything will be okay
Even if, among a sea of people
I feel as if
I were the only one.

some days are like rain,
   they make your body ache

you feel the pain
   rise through you

you close your eyes
   you remember

open your eyes
   you swiftly forget

it's easier to stuff it all down
   right?

that dull ache in your wrist
   is a forecast of rain

you think, oneday
   you will rise to the day

like the phoenix
   emerging

but a storm rushes in
   and rains on your parade

you open your mouth to speak
   no one understands you, anyway

all you can think of is hiding,
   it's all you can dream of

you ask: this is life?
   you're bewildered

you try not to think,
   because when you think you remember

all those lukewarm friends
   everyone who left

some days are like rain
   they are silent and still

the disassociation takes over
   the emptiness seeps in

the rain gets into your hollow house
   of vain imaginations

i pray that this rain might
   serve as some sort of healing elixir

for my bones need fixing,
   my heart needs healing.

I never learn. I just continually recycle thoughts. It's just a game of big words with the thesaurus on my lap. And, heck! Do I think I'm the only aspiring writer? Breaking my hand over words that could be so useless to another individual? I mean, I'm stuck in this stupid little bubble of my reality, my life and my everything-- I never see the big picture. The world in all. But, I have to face that I am incapable of knowing beyond my corners. That every self-created problem I make for myself is only a problem taken for granted and used in the wrong way. And maybe every mistake is a new beginning.

Sometimes
I still
Think of you

Only hundreds of miles away
A train took me away
So far, far away
To a new day

I regret to say
That even though mostly
I've forgotten
Let go of the past
Finally
Some days I think about you and
Us
The happy and the sad
The times we snuggled up together
In the morning before you had brushed your teeth
So you refused to kiss me
But I still stole kisses from you anyway

And then sometimes
I remember the breakup
And how ugly it got
And how cruel we became
Slandering each other to our friends
And calling each other names
So I wonder if it was true love
Like we said it was
And even if the onlookers disagree
I think I know
That we loved each other, maybe, once

I fear intermittently,
I get terrified
Of the thought
That I will never fall in love again
With someone else
The way I fell in love with you

And some alien longing
That I try so eagerly to repress
Is still beating in my chest
Some wish born 6 years ago
When I was so young
And we held each other in our arms
And I told you I loved you
And you got so excited, you almost cried
And you kept telling me again and again and again
"I love you. I love you. I love you!"

And then eventually,
Months later
those words evaporated
As we separated
And even though we claimed to still love each other
I could no longer find a genuine love in you
And I think it had left me too
Only to be replaced by selfishness and hate

I have
This weird dream
Two people sitting at a screen
One expressing her soul
The other receiving,
Reading
But where does this knowledge go?
My intention is to move your soul
But does it fail?

Sometimes I still think of you
And I find it unwarranted
But I can't help myself from sinking back into the
Warmth of these memories
The nostalgia brings me ease
It takes me back to a time
When I still held hope in my youthful heart
Before the trauma reshaped me
Before the disease
Of my identity
Re-made me
Into this cynical, skeptical being
Who can't receive relief

Sometimes I experience
A vestigial grief
For everything I once had
That I took for granted.

It comes back in fragments,
Washing up on the shore like pieces of sea glass
I pick each unique piece up individually,
I see that each fragment is in some way a part of me
How could it possibly be,
That I could be so many things
In just one body?

Each piece put together leads to a culmination of sorts
An amalgamation that is the masterpiece of me
The maturation that leads to the finale
I look into the mirror and am so proud
For a jubilant child I once was
But a sad teenager
Then a balanced adult
Adult?

There is something fascinating about this whole life thing
Like looking up to the stars
In an expansive sky,
And I'm breathing while
Looking into another human's eyes
And we're smiling
Life has it's pain
But if it's unbearable, why do the good times make living so worthwhile?

Remnants of glitter nail polish
Stick like war veterans to my finger nails
Un-willing to let go
I'm amused by this analogy and symbolism and everything I can see that I can't quite describe
No, I have no words for the nuances
Maybe, I think,
If I learn more words I'd be understood better
But it's not with words that we primarily communicate
But with tones and expressions and subtleties
Only in observation of intricate details
Are we capable of marvelling at the ingenuity of Creation

And if anyone has ever left you,
Abandoned you
Because they lost their heart along their journey
Fret not,
Do not fear that all your love was for naught
For you are the expansive star child
That is capable of holding so much love within you without bursting,
Combusting or imploding
Each drop of love you put out into this world is never without value
It may fall upon barren land and fail to produce the desired result of untainted love
But it is never your fault when your call and outpouring of love is rejected or ****** up greedily by a poor, self-serving soul
Who will try to use your love for their own selfish gain
But they will fail miserably,
For love cannot be used with malicious intent

These are just some lessons that I've learned, they have grown my soul
Into a limitless, expansive, blossoming rose
Fear not, dear one
You who have weathered countless storms
Your stories will make you stronger
And your soul holds you ever so gently in it's loving arms.

Sometimes, you meet a person who is medicine to your soul...

Soul, unencumbered
Light as a fairy's feather
I'm wrapped in the warmth
Of a million knitted sweaters

Triumphant and true
I've walked these meandering paths
Only to come back to You,
God, the lord of what is new

Bedazzled and dazed
Waking up amazed
How could it be?
I whisper silently

This magic is true,
Available also to you
I've got new eyes, you see
The renewed eyes of a child able to see clearly

On bold rainbows I stand,
All power, peace and prosperity in my hand
No mountain is too steep
All of God's promises I shall keep

My soul,
An ever growing rose
Knows, she knows
In which way to go.

I think there could be a switch
That turns off my mind
I wonder what would happen
If the thoughts stopped, if everything passed through,
If I didn’t hold onto anything

Maybe pure emotion would visit within my body
It could be waves of turmoil or waves of joy
But it goes away
It all goes away
Like waves, hitting the shore
It comes and it goes

And if I didn’t hold on
It’d all just pass through
But see, I have to step beyond
Because my mind is a prison with its endless melancholy song

Don’t you see?
It’s all a phase
You think you know who you are,
But that will always change
You are the one who experiences,
So just flow
Stop being so scared of pain
And of everything, let go.

(So you can be free)

Speaking up
For myself,
And you
Speaking up for the Universe

No need to sit back in fear
No need to be anyone's victim
You're stronger than you think
You're passionate about a cause
And it doesn't matter if they don't care

Burn the record of how many times you've been knocked down
Stand up, stand up
Don't ever ever give up
Cause you're too strong to surrender
So we got to stop pretending

Our minds are on fire
In our hearts: an insatiable desire
So why are we wasting our lives away
In our own figurative caves
Do you hear your call to change?
It's time to get up and change yourself
So we can change the world.

I'm bursting at the seams because of an untold secret
A harmless attraction that I hide away for reasons I don't understand
My analytical mind tries to frantically reason with me saying:
"If you reveal how you feel you will open yourself up to the possibility of the pain of rejection"
Fear is leading me right now,
But I can't take it anymore
I want to throw fear off of my back,
Open my sails to the winds
And fly into the vastness of possibilities that the endless and uncertain ocean has to offer me
I want to take my life by the reigns and at least try to get what I want
And if I get rejected or fail, at least I've tried
And am better prepared for the next time things don't go the way I planned

It's funny how these irrational fears get weaved into our beings
Seeds of fear were sown when we were defenseless against the many cruelties of the world,
So we built walls around our vulnerable hearts
But sometimes those walls are so tall and secure
That even a trustworthy person is seen as a potential intruder
Who, once allowed inside the interior of the heart,
May ravage it

Well, I'm going to let down my walls a little bit,
Heck, I've grown so much inside,
Changed, rearranged and uprooted so much of what was slowly killing me
I'm not exactly where I want to be
But I'm progressing steadily
Maybe letting the right people in
Is the next step in my journey

This secret can no longer be contained
It sits at the back of my throat,
Like a frog
Ready to leap forth
I deserve what I want
And I deserve to express myself, unabashed
I just can't live a lie anymore,
And living in fear is the grand lie,
But living from Love,
I know what to do,
It whispers softly in my heart:
*Speak the truth.

I don't like clocks
I cover them with a cloak
I hide away under white covers
Light tries to break through my shades
But I am away, I am away
I am a stowaway
On life's ride
I'm just here for free
I refuse any limitations that would bind me
Time passes like molasses
I'm on a spinning rock
And my mind is spinning too.

I'm running out of time
I think I've finally made up my mind
This life of mine just spirals and spirals again
And in the center of my life's cornucopia
Is you, again and again

People say don't waste time on what's not precious
Take life by the horns and ride into the pressure
But I ride the wave instead
I'm leisure sinking deep within melancholy glory
And your radiant beauty is what keeps my heart beating

Spirals, spirals everywhere
A girl, woman, lady, female
Looking, pondering, reminiscing
Always reminded and reminding
Welcomed into the world of endless wonder
To which the door lay between my eyes
In my mind is where infinite possibilities lie

Sweet succulence,
Dragged down to the pit of repentance
Life lessons are Catholic school nuns beating you with a ruler
But you survived and now you have no choice but to thrive

See, you hear
See? You hear the robin chirping up a storm outside your window
He's calling you to the day
But you rather lay in bed for the rest of the day
I'd like to think he'll miss me,
He'll miss me because, well, I lay in my bed and stave off sleep
But I'll dream of him
And he'll come for me
Oneday, he'll come,
You'll see
Because all my life spirals back to him
And all his life spirals back to me.

I walked down memory lane
Pictures appeared on either side of me
Photographs from times past of
Smiles and laughing
Crying and pain
It's all come and past
Everything is ephemeral
I rode the waves of all these experiences
But the waves have crashed on the sand
Life is tranquil now,
and unplanned

My head is full of echoes
of these memories
I'm a marionette
Controlled by my past
In all my dreams
I am back in my glory days,
Stuck there
On rewind,
Trying to find a way out

I had dreams then
I grew up but the dreams
Never became fulfilled
So I regressed
So I could still find
Solace in my dreams
For my dreams feel impossible to fulfill
in current time
But they still seem attainable
When I'm viewing them through the lens
of my past self

I find comfort in who I used to be,
Now I am an ambiguous being
Not sure of who I am
and where I am going
Listless and lost
Numb, merely existing
Without any real drive
Reality is the water to my fiery passions
I've strived for so long
to bring my dreams into fruition
But reality has cooled my idealistic zeal
And left me spiritless.

Cry for all the times you didn't die,
Back in the days when you really wanted to,
Cry for the times you took handfuls of pills,
Because the pain in your heart was too real
Cry for the little girl inside,
Who glorified death,
As she cut her very own flesh
Cry for who you are now,
A smiling veil,
A tormented soul behind the mask,
People see your darkness,
There is no way to disregard it
Your only hope is to wash your heart clean,
Of this deep disease
Running through your veins.

I’m here in my cozy home
With my silly dog who makes me laugh
Waiting for the world to go back to normal
But who am I kidding?
I haven’t taken this seriously
This is a pandemic
The world doesn’t simply go back to normal after this
There is no set end date to this
People are dying,
The world is slowing down,
The skies are clearing of pollution
We have to stop
Stop everything
None of it has been working
Stay in,
And turn inward
Reassess
And right our wrongs
The way we have wronged this earth, ourselves, others
Reconsider
The way our go getter culture has been maladaptive to us,
To those we care for, to our life
Reconnect
To ourselves, to old friends over video chat, to the simple things
Take notice
Of what’s important
Cut out what’s not
Return to our heart
Remember how precarious life can be
So out of our control
All we can do is simply be grateful for it all
Be grateful for the people and things we cherish
Let these things impact us so deeply that our love for them resounds within us
Relish the simple pleasures
Grow in the peaceful, ever expanding silence of spiritual surrender
Let go
Let go
Let go
Forgive others
And forgive ourselves
Life’s too short to keep holding onto grudges
They didn’t mean to hurt you
It’s okay to let go now
The world will never return to normal
But the normal we were adhering to before wasn’t quite working anymore
So relinquish the old normal
To build the new
A life of being centered, connected, and living from love
Stay in,
And recreate the person you want to be in this novel world coming into form.

Stand still child
While the waves crash over you
They threaten to throw you down
And crush the breath out of you

Persist child
Though the salt water like stinging tears scalds your eyes
And now you can barely see
Past this life of disguise

Hold on child
As this world you've come to know and love
disintegrates
You have but one anchor,
And it is not from this realm

Don't lose your hope child
Even while it seems your efforts aren't producing results
Even while the whole world continues on in it's riotous hate
Please don't lose your love, let only love lead you

Child, I know it can be difficult to love most times and most days
Especially in a world so rampant with hate
But I need you to be strong, I need you to be wise
I need you to realize
This time you have on earth is merely temporary
But I have you here for a reason,
For a divine mission

See, people have so easily forgotten their origins
They have become distracted by toys and lust,
Things of no value that in time turn to dust
And even our flesh will perish and we will return to the ground
But our soul continues, this mission never ends

Everyone has been called to this mission to love,
This mission to radically love
It's not a mission of passivity
And telling people what they want to hear
Coddling them and protecting them from all their fears
Life wasn't meant to be lived in a padded cell of safety
Life is meant to be lived vigorously, bravely
But people have deeply forgotten this call,
And they need saving

Just embody love,
this full spectrum emotion
Let it tear your life a part
Give it all you've got
Completely surrender your heart
To this force that will incinerate all your false notions
And all the measly lies you cling to
All the ego protections
And bragging rights you base your identity on
Once you let Love enter fully through the door of your heart
There is no returning back to who you once were
Love will shatter you
As if you were concrete
So all the wildflowers
Could come through again

So child,
I know you may feel small and scared and incompetent
To say yes to this mission I am calling you to
But really everything about you is sacred
And it's this truth I want you to wake up to.

Divine fragments
Fall into my mind
Your face,
Your scent,
Your voice and words so eloquent
I spiral through
Everything I love about you
For three days now
I've dreamt of you
And surely,
I have no idea of what to do
These feelings are like a riptide
Pulling me far away from reality
The fantasy of you is nearly drowning me
But being around you is intoxicating
You get my head spinning and my heart racing
My eyes follow you
And my ears hear your every word
Your smile,
The way you comb back you hair
Sends electricity down my spine
And shivers through my body
When I'm home
I see your face
In my mind's eye
And those strong feelings wash over me once again
And pull me out deep into the sea.

Soft and sweet,
Vibrant, complete
Feel the heat of the August sun,
My knees burnt,
Mind is cooled,
Sweet tea, sipping,
Summer recluse

Walking, talking, having fun
The summer is for everyone
Heat in city streets
Having music carries by humidity,
Back home on a train,
Rain

Goodbye summer, it was fun
I'll miss you
Warm, hot sun.

We used to make memories during summer
We were careless and free and aimless and wild
I miss those days
Of teenage wonder
Of endless summers
Of stealing dresses from fashion boutiques
Smoking **** from receipts
Collecting smashed ciggarettes
We coughed until we laughed
We loved until we cried
And we drank so much
We felt like we could fly
Through all the tears and confusion we made it through
Into adulthood..

It is 4 a.m. in the morning,
At peculiar little moments,
For no exact reason,
Sometimes I absorb a moment best that I can
And ask myself,
Will I ever remember this?
I usually never do,
The only memory I have of those moments
Is asking myself if I will remember
Maybe this is why I write,
So even if daily life makes me forget,
Capturing in detail the moments most significant to me
Will make them immune to the natural decay of memory

So, now,
I wonder
If the pitter patter of this night's summer rain
Will stay as a happy memory in my brain,
Or by tomorrow, wash away
There is no way to know
I just have to feel this moment,
And let everything go...
Let everything flow~

It's August now
I think of how
Everything goes too quickly,
Swiftly,
Like soft sand running through my fingers,
Sand dollars, Maine
First thinking of sand,
But now I'm a child again,
Visiting Maine
With my parents
The sea smells fresh,
Lobster,
Maine is known for it's lobster
You dip lobster in butter,
Because that's how it's eaten, Violet
I bought a souvenir for my Mother
Took a boat to see the whales
But they decided not to show up
I remember seeing a cute boy on the boat,
I imagined what it would be like if he was my boyfriend,
I was probably eight
Everything in childhood
Could never have prepared me for
Being a teenager
And becoming an adult
Childhood was so, so
Innocent
I knew of pain,
But I hadn't yet been wrecked by pain,
I was merely an observer at that point,
But things change when you take pain personally,
But pain is not personal
So, ultimately, it's our choice to either remain in the ruins of the wreckage, wallowing over our losses,
Or pick ourselves up, glean the lessons and rebuild our life,
Integrating both the pain and joy of our life within the new building blocks

So, as this summer rain falls
As it has before,
For over twenty years,
As long as I've lived
I let this time pass with ease
I ask myself if I will remember,
And I probably won't
But what's most important is that I love to my fullest capacity
Within every single forgettable moment.

Exhale on three,
While soaking in the summer breeze
Finally, I find my mind and body at ease
And within my chest my heart beats with cheer
I feel fine, happy, content just right here

Everything swiftly falling into place
Look at this smiling face reflecting back at me,
I look into my eyes and I see
The tension is no longer lurking in the creases,
It's been released
I've been freed from the stresses that had once stricken me,
I'm calmer, like the bottom of the ocean,
Steady and still.

Summer has a mysterious way of bringing me relief,
Maybe it's all that vitamin D
From the sun burns I get with my porcelain skin
Summer reminds me of all the good times of being a kid
It just makes me so happy to live

Summer's relief is the antidote to my grief,
Taking my bouts of disbelief
And disproving my agony with sprouting lush life surrounding me,
Confounding me
Filling my heart with awe
For how much beauty is here
On this gorgeous Earth,
Spinning in air.

The setting sun
Embroiders heavy,
Pregnant with rain, clouds
With hues of pink laced with gold
Up against the tranquil blue sky
The pink clouds sprawled across the solid blue
Like the wool baby blanket
You can't get yourself to give up

Sometimes
When I look up at those tangible,
Realer than life clouds
I fathom if they could possibly take me away
Zip down to me like an unidentified space craft--
I would board the clouds like a ship
And I'd be shown all
the world
All the wonders of the world,
And all the knowledge of the world not yet known to mankind

I'd escape every triviality that perplexes me daily,
Which I know shouldn't perplex me, but does anyway,
Because I'm human and sometimes I'm not as brave and noble as I want and ought to be

Bats fly overhead..
My daydreams cannot take me very far,
For they are limited to my minds synapses..
A firefly dances beside me..
The sun sets hastily
Shadows grow deeper,
Simultaneously my heart grows despondent
As the shadows of night proliferate,
Until darkness engulfs this town entirely,
Like a cloak
That incites my own inner shadows
To awaken

I dream of a day
That will be filled with elation and no more
Of this intermittent, unwanted pain
That is like birth pangs,
Unexpected and excruciating

*Sunset clouds, take me away
Take me to the paradise that my mind
Did create.

Joy is pouring into me
Like a foreign liquid
Filling in the cavernous parts of my mind—
Synapses habituated by negativity
Are being transformed by fruitful possibility

Like light overcoming darkness,
The sun shines brightly
Yellow dream
Illuminating everything
Enveloped, but so free
I feel the darkness clearing
And my self blossoming within me.

A coy fish necklace sits atop my collarbone
A symbol of growth
For the coy fish's growth is in proportion to the size of it's dwellings
The bigger the pond, the bigger it will grow

I live in a self created world imbued and marinating in meaning
Symbols with stories and so much significance
Objects being personified by the experiences in which the object accompanied me
These symbols both tangible and intangible,
With body and without body,
Are extensions of me
Like arms protruding from my sides,
Deeming me a Hindu goddess

It's getting harder to deny the interconnectedness of everything
And how I am simultaneously in shock and in awe
Of this chaotic masterpiece like a James Pollack piece,
Called life
So simple, yet erratic, untimely, unpredictable,
Enigmatic, glorious, timeless and bursting at the seems with profuse possibility
So brutal and beautiful, I must concur.

And what is it all without meaning,
Why awake another day to a dull definition of self and purpose
When you can fabricate a magical tale of wonders
In which you are the Heroine?

Colors dance through my mind
My heart is the artist
Spilling through the confines of reality
Because she knows
That seeing with the heart is more essential
Than seeing with the eyes

Flowers bloom in my tailored, skull encased reality
My senses light up as if on fire
My mind has trouble distinguishing reality from fantasy
I clench my hands
As if to anchor myself
But then I release,
Knowing that I must allow myself to be carried within the ambiguous sea

Hatred is heavy like lead
Weighing me down in my chest
And causing too much air in my mind
Rotations of thoughts
That illicit bitterness
I point my finger and scream “Phonies!”
At the world
But the world is also me,
Phony, eager to please

Some symphonies are composed by harmony and beauty,
Peace and integrity
But unsuspected symphonies of chaos, malice and disorder
Crash into the melodic symphony
And cause disharmony,
Sadness,
Confusion

Though, at times
I’ve fancied the idea of eradicating the chaotic symphony altogether,
I find more beauty
In entertaining both the sadness and joy in my life
Inviting both to my table
Because I can see beauty in the sadness
And I find also beauty in the joy.

The music is perfect
The air smells of synthetic raspberries
Could life be more sublime?

What are the sources of my happiness?
The things that genuinely provide me happiness are merely the necessities for all humanity
And the items consisting of my individual interests are the fringe to what makes me happy essentially

Nowadays I can find fondness in bad memories
I can find something spectacular in anything
Is this proclivity a blessing or a curse
Only the times I use it will tell.

I'm merely a sail in the wind
I have no preference,
North, South, East, West
Take me in any direction,
As long as it's God-led

I just want to be an autumn leaf
I just want to sink softly back to the ground that birthed me

My mind is busy,
Everyone's mind is busy
Adulthood is busy,
Always so busy

I forgot the child I was
and her dreams
Her aspirations, her goals
Her feelings, her thoughts
Her inner knowings
Everything she loved
Everything she lost

Will I ever be her again?

There is a longing here,
in my heart

I want innocence.

Tell me the truth, I beseech you
Don't lie or falsify
or tell me sweet fantasies that
will quell my haunted mind
Tell me the truth, nothing but the truth
Or I will continue on
as a mad woman
deluded, entranced and blinded
Show me the way of truth, and I will abide,
not chide or hide
For I know the truth will give me wings to fly
to transcend the chaos of society and
my own mind

My hands search for a truth like gold,
pure and untainted
But I grasp at straws
Sometimes these straws give me false leads
that cause me joy
But when I finally reach the core of truth
for that system of belief
I see, that the whole time
I was being fed lies,
I was fervently pursuing a deception
And then I lose my sense of self again
I lose it because that belief system
is what I anchored my whole being in

Is the truth,
the absolute truth
Staring me in the eyes?
Am I being purposely ignorant of it
Because acknowledging the truth would mean that I would have to take
up my own cross
and follow Jesus?
How many people call themselves Christians,
but aren't willing to die in the name of Jesus?
Am I willing to die to my Self
and follow in the purpose God has assigned to me?

My mind is tangled in knots
Why can't I have you?

To own another
Outside of myself
Make you love me
The way I want you to

But is it truly a lover I want?
Or a fantasy to be fulfilled
An aching desire
To be celebrated, to be put on a pedestal

Selfish ambition
Is what I have
And manipulation is your curse
I'm dropping it, I'm dropping you

Why would I dream
That a compelling conversation
Could mean something more
Something beyond the constant boredom

I'm tired
Of waiting for you

These tears are like spears to my heart
My mind is so numb
Stripped of all it's moisture
I guess I haven't desensitized myself enough
I tried to never feel again
I almost succeeded
And yet a tactless mouth uttered not well thought out words
And now they're all tucked in their bed
Dreaming of their unmet fantasies
While I'm here
Trying desperately to console myself without numbing
All the while crying these burning tears
Where's the empathy? I ask
But I guess they've never felt this amount of pain
I had held it down for so long
But it reemerged,
And in my eyes comes the unceasing rain.

Tell me what I want to hear
Because I can’t stand this pain
Tell me that everything you said in anger was a lie
And that everything between us will stay the same
Tell me to not run away
To just stay put
In this gargantuan pain
Swallowing me up

Tell me that I’m good enough
And that you don’t truly believe the horrible things you’ve said about me
Tell me that you want to hear me
And be there for me
Tell me that you don’t truly want me to leave
Tell me, because I can’t breathe

My body is stiff,
You say you regret opening your heart
And so do I
You say you wish we never met...
Your words feel like cold, steel knives
Right through my vulnerable, unguarded heart

I can’t make you love me
I can’t refute the story you’ve created of me in your mind
I can only sit with this pain
And grieve
And hope next time,
I’ll see
That no matter what people say or do,
I’m worthy

your heart is full of lies
you go to your church every Sunday
sing your hymns
and give your tithes
then promptly
complain and gossip after the service

you fail to seek God whom you do not know
and instead bow to your various idols
your life is muddled
you grasp for answers
that are just beyond surrender

I once sought comfort from your company
but my useful habits are only corrupted
the more time I spend at church
I'm seeking the love of Jesus here
but I can't find it in anyone's hearts
no one seems to truly care

some churches preach prosperity,
others brim and firestone
they seek to do good deeds
but with ill intentions
it's merely a choreographed dance,
of rule-following,
of keeping up the appearances
but look beyond the facade and into their hearts
and you will be saddened and surprised
here you are the outsider
in a church founded on lies

and all you really wanted
was to be lovingly embraced
by a Jesus following community
but all you found at church
was religious futility.

Tell me what it feels like
While tears stream from your eyes
Never seen such beautiful eyes
Makes me thankful
Makes me feel overwhelmed with joy
I can't put it into words
I just want more

Just want more life,
Just want more love
But which way to turn?
One road leads to life
The other leads to burns

Can I love
at the expense of another?
Tell me, anybody,
anybody ....