Forever my soul has been a soujorner
A constant fighter, a constant learner
A rebel against the odds
A girl blossoming from a barren pod
And so how could it be
That my resilient soul can never rid itself of melancholy
It's trivial, not pivotal
The emptiness inside echoes in my being
I walk these dead streets at night
Not even the wind is breathing
I think about how
There was a time before I existed,
And yet here I am now
Realer than a cloud

Tears start to well in my eyes
I keep walking and think how no one ever will realize
The deep and constant pain I have inside
It would only burden them to let them know
That I'm sad because life can't be the way I dream it could be
There are just too many "should be"s I have to attend to
There's no time for childhood pretending
Where dreams are possible and opportunities unending

It's just another sullen day
That I realize I'm so far from my dreams
I'm still riddled with all my therapy resistant foibles
And I will just live this monotonous day,
Again.

I'm running out of time
I think I've finally made up my mind
This life of mine just spirals and spirals again
And in the center of my life's cornucopia
Is you, again and again

People say don't waste time on what's not precious
Take life by the horns and ride into the pressure
But I ride the wave instead
I'm leisure sinking deep within melancholy glory
And your radiant beauty is what keeps my heart beating

Spirals, spirals everywhere
A girl, woman, lady, female
Looking, pondering, reminiscing
Always reminded and reminding
Welcomed into the world of endless wonder
To which the door lay between my eyes
In my mind is where infinite possibilities lie

Sweet succulence,
Dragged down to the pit of repentance
Life lessons are Catholic school nuns beating you with a ruler
But you survived and now you have no choice but to thrive

See, you hear
See? You hear the robin chirping up a storm outside your window
He's calling you to the day
But you rather lay in bed for the rest of the day
I'd like to think he'll miss me,
He'll miss me because, well, I lay in my bed and stave off sleep
But I'll dream of him
And he'll come for me
Oneday, he'll come,
You'll see
Because all my life spirals back to him
And all his life spirals back to me.

You're a yellow frothy tide
Hugging my barren hips
And causing me to desire for more life
You're the desert sun to my worshipping cacti
Stretching arms out to you
Soaking in all your glorious scorching love

You're a field of wildflowers
Yellow and green and blue and pink
Making erratic love to the wind
You are the earth beneath my feet,
Between my toes
Beating in my heart

You are the greatest mystery
Unsolvable by any great mind
I turn you over yet still I remain blind
For what a curious creature are you
You keep me on my toes,
You alone are my muse.

I always gripped the steering wheel too firmly
Feeling blood coursing through my veins,
Vehemently
Calculating all the pitfalls
But it was too aggravating
So I let go of the wheel
And drove into the wildness of oblivion.

You live your vapid lives
Following trends to the grave
If emptiness is vastness then who can save you?
You'll never change your mind
Turn away from nonsensical gibberish
Whatever is in fashion is what you follow
You get drunk on weekends to swallow the pain of the weekdays,
And in that moment before ***** induced slumbering
You wonder what's the point of life
And as quickly as it comes,
It goes
Like a wind touching your cheek
Intervening the warmth of ignorance.

Stuck in blue
Sea glass glasses skewing my vision
Here, on this road is a division
A decision,
I'm not ready to make
I'm sitting on the tip of the cliff,
Not ready to jump

Mad at humanity
Lost all hope for sanity
How many people have failed me
And you say "try again"?
Oh heart, you optimistic fool,
You can't have everything you want...

On this journey
I once believed in magic
But I lost my book of spells
And now I'm here, all alone
And I must vouch for myself
On this journey.. on this cold, treacherous road

I've lost all my passion,
My ability to imagine
I've given up but I'm still scared of they're judgement
I don't want to live their lives of mediocrity
Why do it if you dont love it?

Blood is spewing between my teeth
Forming bubbles in the cracks
My eyes flipping back
And my hippocampus playing memories like a reel of grainy film
Playing in the back of my skull
This life has become the screen
And all I can see is the movie of my life repeating over and over again in front of me

These patterns never cease,
I've lied and said my pain had decreased
But it's all just a show,
To make myself appear stronger than I really am,
To hide the weakness under the armor
But it's my heart I can't contain
It's too powerful to be detained
It must be expressed
These feelings for you can't remain repressed
And all I can say is love is what I suggest
Between me and you
You'd improve me,
You've already taught me a thing or two

I once was a hypnotic fairy queen
Empress of intangible things
Emotions like fire were carefully hidden
I had hopeless men ravenously smitten
Now I've grown,
And I'm more like a queen of joy and the unknown
I like tinkering with spiritual concepts,
Trying them on for size,
Seeing in which ways these perspectives can open up my eyes

With age and experience
I'm sure of what I want,
What I need
The first time I saw you I couldn't breathe
The first time our eyes met,
I felt like I had known you before
How could it be so,
That I've not known you longer?
I am fond of you,
Your deep blue eyes make me wonder...

Configurations don't lead to conclusions
I have mashups of inklings
But it's all still confusing
Looking back at past relationships,
Well, I don't want to repeat those mistakes again,
But I think we have a good shot of having a happy ending,
And an even better beginning.

Words fail to describe
My heart's lullaby
It sings a beautiful toon
That reaches all the way up to the moon

It's a promising song
One that reminds me to hold on and be strong
For many times I feel weak
But when I hear it I once again get up from my knees

I would be lying
If I went denying
My multitude of blessings spread through my years
Why did I waste so much time on fake friends and fake fears

What I've realized is right now I'm just Here
And I've learned to love being in my warm bed instead of backpacking
Those dreams may be accomplished later, or never at all...
All I can experience right now is Here...
And I choose to enjoy and revel in this very moment.

Dear girl, dear boy
Dear little child with so much hurt and abuse and harm
Your body has marks and scars and your mind holds the secrets of the hatred you felt and saw that no one who lives a sheltered life could begin to understand
Dear child, living deep within your mind's recesses, living within the inner most part of your being
You have so much God in you,
Even more God than the richest person in the world, or the most fashionable or the most intelligent
I understand you struggle with your self worth
But I'm here to try to help you understand
That there is someone bigger than your problems
Someone bigger than your trauma
Someone you can bring your worn, pummeled body to who will heal you
Heal your soul
Someone who will bring you Justice
And pay retribution to your wrongdoers
Jesus is his name
And he will take care of the child others had battered
The child who lives inside of you.

Sapphire gems embedded within the deepest hem
Strung by threads of golden hair
Bedazzled with emeralds, cobras dancing
Within the crown of the silver spoon fed
Without body, what are words and form and matter
The operating intelligence looms above and below and within
It renders dreams as reality
And reality is seen as a painted scene on canvas
Ripped by the hand of the Creator
Sheep are as sheep do
Running in circles with hamsters in their heads
Destruction is sweet but living sweeter
Complexity is making your face meaner
Exhale on three and disperse the contention into the air
Drop down into the abyss
And leave your residency here.

Is true intelligence committing systems to memory and being able to recognize patterns
Or is it being able to transcend patterns and systems altogether, coming upon the realisation that we are boundless and infinite?

I look into your blue stars
Shining and surrounded by lines of joy
Made by the wide smile on your face
Your eyes tell me more than your words ever could
Your eyes tell me how much you care.

Mesmerized by those glittering eyes
Your countenance so theatrical
Your engaging eye contact
The way you wouldn't let your eyes stray from mine
As you spun your stories
The way you smiled to yourself
Whenever I spoke
Even though we were in a group
Whenever you spoke you looked only at me
You recommended bands and offered to share recipes
You are just delightful
You are funny, gloomy and insightful
If I could kiss you, I would
Because sometimes words get stuck in my throat
So it would be easier for me to just
Rest my voice and tell you how I feel with a kiss instead!

Goodbye Sunshine,
You were never real
You were merely artificial light
That I gave meaning to
You never touched the drapes of my windows
Because you were never the sun
Only the real sun comes through my windows like a lion
Bright golden yellow,
Keeping me from my dreams
Because finally, I find my bliss in reality

How can I fathom leaving this delusion?
I have all these poems about you,
Inspired dreams, hopeful writings about you
And yet, here I am
I dug the grave
To bury the dream my wild imagination created
My imagination, always going too far down the rabbit hole,
Until my glasses are traded in for
Virtual reality goggles
And all I could see
Is my fantasy unfolding right in front of me

Here I am, on this oddly warm day
In January,
Laying my figment of you down to rest
How can I let go,
When I never truly got to feel and see
What it would be like
To be yours
Maybe I wouldn't have even enjoyed it.

I like creating
It's fascinating
Putting pen to paper
Putting paintbrush to canvas
My life is here today and gone tomorrow
And I have a deep need to express it

A silly song corrects all that is wrong
Shaking your hips can give you momentary bliss
Kiss your image in the mirror
And laugh with strangers
Live as much life as you can
And don't hold yourself back

Express yourself
Being who you are is something you will never regret.

I hid away for a better day
I warmer day, a softer day
I fell into thorns
It had been day, the sun was bright
I wandered through luscious woods
The green calling out to me
But I traveled too far
And the sun grew dark
I looked straight into the sun
It blinded me
And I fell into thorns

I don't need to live this way,
Aimless and without cause
I wonder toward a cliff
I had always lived on the edge
Monotany is more dangerous than risk taking
Stop living your sedentary life,
It's killing you

I ran into the storm
And it swallowed me
I danced in the rain
I threw back my head and drank in life,
In all its glory
I let it swallow me
I let it engulf me

I became a river
An ever changing drop of water
I yielded to the curves of the riverbend
And I can never correctly see
What's right ahead of me
So, I just have to let it be

I'm a blind woman
Without her walking stick
I'm a blind woman, dancing in the rain,
Swimming in the river
Being swallowed by the storm.
And I'm laughing.

Feelings flooding in like
Iridescent waves
Sparkling in the fiery sunset
I call out to an abundantly vibrant,
pulsating life: I love you!
Because, I truly do.

I saw these glittering eyes,
Ones that mesmerized
I said hi
Then their were myriad goodbyes
But infinite hellos
With you, I can never really tell
Where the time goes

Your chin is like honey
Escaping the beehive
Dripping down the grooved bark of an oak
Your eyes are two dazzling blue jays
Penetrating my inquisitive eyes
You look deep into my eyes
I ask you questions just to sustain eye contact
You answer, but your eyes tell me stories that your mouth fails to speak

I'm staring at a clock,
And how it ticks away,
It's sort of quizzical,
Wouldn't you say?
See, all we have is today, tomorrow and yesterday
And I wonder what all these days will amount to,
And I wonder will I end up with you?

I have to separate my ego from my soul
Because my ego makes decisions selfishly
But my soul knows what's best for me
And I rather follow in
What brings me joy
I want to be in love
I want to love
I want more
Of this beautiful,
alive, pulsating life
I want you, I want me
I want everything to be merry
I look inside my mind's eye
And I revel in paradise

I enjoy you,
I truly do
Desire is a flame
I must be careful not to burn you
I must retract my claws
Restrain my ego
From trying to take what's not rightfully mine
I'll sit in silence
And wait patiently on peace
And I'll let God direct me
To the path of love and joy.

Listening to rap
Okay
Well it makes me feel invincible
Wonder what it feels like to be up
On that stage, thousands cheering your name
I would love it
Because I thrive on people's attention
I'm always finding a way to get it
And it drains me
Attention isn't love
It's superficial.

Climing the ocean stairs
Flipping through neon pages of
"I don't care"
My copious apathy makes me scared
But really, I probably feel this way
Because my mentality is stuck in: "life's not fair" mode
I can't  seem to reset my brain
It likes to fight, sleep and dream away
My dreams are so vivid and so real
It feels better to live out my adventures
In my dreams

I'm Holden Caulfield
I'm a brat
I think everyone's a phony
But I know I'm just a hypocrite,
Because I'm a phony too in a way
I just see all these people
So locked into a system of capitalism,
Locked into vanity and materialism and self centered-ness
I think they're stupid and dumb
They complain about what goes on in the world
But they're a apart of the problem
I am too, but I least I don't have this whole song and dance to try to woo people
Seriously, at this point I'm just going to be my eccentric self
And not care about people's opinions
Because I know I'm not perfect,
But at the end of the day,
I'm not self absorbed, and I'm out there being kind and doing little deeds of kindness
I put kindness first,
But even with me, kindness doesn't always win

I told someone at work that I'm going to
Live off the grid because
I'm tired of society
And he said "but you won't have anyone to talk to"
And I said "I'll talk to the trees and animals"
Like some sort of Snow White
I wish I could tolerate people better,
But I have this strong inclination to
Slap the phoniness out of people,
And it's becoming more difficult to restrain
Day by day
Ignorance truly is bliss
Because being able to see so clearly
That each person is the source of their misery has got me going crazy!
Because even I can't snap my fingers
And be be released of all my negative patterns!
They're like chains, or
A maze I'm stuck in, that I have to keep repeating over and over again.

There is a God, you see
Watching over humanity
And he cares individually for
You and me
Even if you feel separated
I can guarantee
That this God I speak of
Is caring and free

God is not bound by conformity
Disharmony or chaos
God is the excellence of the wave
Hitting the shore
Drinking up the raindrop

God is two humans gazing
Into eachothers eyes
God is a child's love lullaby
God is never vain nor
Ignorant
God never hates,
He is pure love,
Could you even imagine that?

What is not from God isn't pure
It's deception that demands a cure
Only God can straighten the crooked path
Only God can redeem you even
When everyone tells you there's no turning back

God is the purest light
That guides you in the darkest of nights
My soul aches no more
For God is a balm that has healed all my sores

I look up to a sky so blue
And even though this world makes me sad and confused
I thank God in heaven
For the vast sky and
The cool breeze
That fills my lungs
And brings me to ease.

Had to
shuck the rules
and be un-cool
I had to leave the trodden path
and set out in the grassy field
I had to feel my anger
and scream:
*******!
To a sky so quizzically blue
I had to laugh til the point
when they questioned
if I was on drugs
No, not at all
Just having some childlike fun
I had to get a puppy
and learn responsibility the real way
I had to stop listening to people's stupid criticism
Their endless, meaningless remarks
I had to stop taking it all so seriously
I had to stop overthinking everything
and just feel it, and let it be
just as it is, in the moment
I had to smile anyway
Even if they don't smile back
I had to not let myself get confused about
evil; it's just a separation from God
I had to live fearlessly
and not anticipate the consequences for doing so.

Air is always crisp, no
matter where I am

Cool air swirls into my lungs
I think, I think and I think
I'd like to shut off this part of me
that over-analyzes
Because I have this feeling
that if I just quiet my mind
I'll experience such profound insight
like never before
It sounds counter intuitive,
But ceasing to verbalize
just may be the gateway to
most of our solutions

When I dream
I go places or do things unfathomable
I use to live quite an unfathomable life
Even though back then I was really depressed
and disassociated
When I look back, it's weird
Because it seems to me like
I should have been having the best times of my life
But really I was just in situations
That looked fun and thrilling
But I was just so perturbed back then
I lived as wildly as Hunter S Thompson back then
Or maybe I was like Jack Kerouac,
On The Road
It sounds fun
But I was just always on the run
Always trying to escape to the point
of escaping my own mind by dissociating
Looking into the mirror and feeling so distant
from the reflected image
Taking dangerous concoctions of alcohol and drugs
And not a moment of my waking life
was their a point where I wasn't high on ****
Making that Mary Jane be my codependent lover
One I couldn't live without
Even with the paranoia and the panic attacks...

Last night I had a dream
that I smoked **** again
And my throat closed up
and I started choking...
In that dream I remember what it was like
Back in my senior year of high school
I can barely remember
It was all just an excruciatingly painful blur
I wake up to my reality,
and although it's not all I want it to be
I couldn't be more grateful
That I'm out of the self sabotage
With a healthier personality
It's weird to think of who I used to be
Because of how much I've changed
I can't believe that was who I used to be
Radically reformed is my identity
It's just really weird, you see
It's beyond human reason
to understand this change
that has happened in me.

I saw a glimpse of you
A glimpse of me
Glimpsing at reality

And it was profound, you see
It was rounder than this sound
and it was prevalent and all around

The truth could not be extracted, compartmentalized
or sequestered
It could not be conquered or skewed
It just was, and that was the happy and sad news

I saw us in a dream
Looking surreal and serene
Looking into eyes inhibited
Secrets locked behind doors,
When would they be opened?

Time is awaiting it's appointment,
Soon.
Soon a glimpse will become a stare
And before you know it
What you once saw will not be there
And maybe you won't even care.

Instead of asking yourself: Will this matter in 5 years?
Ask yourself: Will this matter in a billion years?
NOPE.

God please forgive me for my curious ways
From this disposition I can't be saved
I can't refrain
from the difference in my soul
I'm disconnected from the whole
Can't You see?
I try so much to fit in and conform
I cry out to you about this but You never seem to hear my pleas
I thought I'd make you happy if I was the same
If I dressed in starched linen and changed my name
I thought only then would I be able to see
You, God, clearly
Because that's my truest and sole desire
To know God for myself, to see God's eyes
Wide and on fire

But could it be
That I'll never see
You when I'm blinded by religion and
fear
I'll never feel you, hear you or
touch you
When conformity is creeping up my skin
How could I see?
Maybe without words,
or reason
or logic
Maybe by forgetting it all
I'll remember
Who God is.

Ocean blue
Washing over me
I feel pleased and relieved and at ease
I close my eyes and see my childhood memories
I feel the nonchalance of my young self's naivete
Only in God's presence can I truly release
The strain of this flesh and
the push of society

I used to watch National Geographic all the time
when I was a kid
Sometimes I would watch deep sea divers
I would imagine being a deep sea diver myself
when I grew up
Now, I've yet to deep dive in a literal ocean
But I've recently been deep diving into the
Realm of spirituality

I see
Darkness and Light
In this realm
Sometimes,
my heart becomes curious of the darkness
It wants to understand what is concealed
What is distorted, what my eyes can't easily
perceive
But a call to Light is beckoning within me
It says
Get out of darkness, confusion, deception.
Truth resides only in the light,
It is Open, and never hidden, as darkness hides
Darkness is heavy, it weighs you down
You try to hide it,
But it's visible on your face
Light is buoyant
It brings you to the surface
It brings you life, Light fills you and
Renders you Alive.

Smiling masks dipped in gold
They slather glitter on their bodies so gross
They make idols of themselves
Having people bow down to
Their false identity
They're humans,
But everything on them is plastered
Everything for them is about
Efficiency, getting what they want faster
I guess you can say
That once what they really desired was love
But they realized love is one mess of a drug
So they constructed and hid behind
a mechanical identity
So all of humanity
Could worship the feigned perfection
of the false idols
That they wished to be.

Just look at me
If their's hope for me,
then their's hope for you
Because if you could have
ever seen
what I've been through
You'd know I shouldn't be here today
And yet,
here I am, Alive
and so grateful for this day.

These moments in time
Snippets of the bewildering Divine
God makes me laugh and cry
He plays with my Consciousness all the time

Is this a Soul Mate dance?
One in which my heart is entranced
Of him I am a huge fan
And I simply can't cool down this desire for his romance

When I'm not thinking of him
I never see him
And yet,
when I have him on my mind once again
I see him everywhere
I say "It's not fair"
Or it's merely just meant to be
So baby let's stop playing,
and start getting used to You & Me

Fate is true
Destiny is real
How else could I explain
This phenomenon that is just un-real?
It baffles me
Makes me laugh
Makes me squeal
Gives me chills up and down my arms
This life is just too spectacular
And I love every moment of it!

Sometimes, you meet a person who is medicine to your soul...

What I really hate about POLITICS
Is the herd mentality it incites
We're choosing sides
And steadfastly holding onto our right to fight
We see division and
spill over with hate
I look at these people wrapped up in and
warped by their politics
While someone's loved one is dying
While another is being born
A butterfly flies in a windy meadow
While someplace else there is a
tumultuous storm
We become blind to this beautiful earth in which we reside
Living within this beautiful sentient gift
Because all we focus on is who is right or
who is wrong
We waste away in our hate
But it's pointless,
Because either way, it doesn't matter anyway
Fifty years from now this will be put down in history
As the worst debate of the century
The youth in the future
will be too absorbed in virtual reality
To care about our country's history.

Now I tell you this,
Do you want a REAL revolution?
The real revolution would be to
LOVE
just love, and don't hate
AT ALL

Right now I see two presidential candidates
going at each other like toddlers
One says: I'm better! You're bad!
The other says: No, I'm best! You're worst!
It's ******* ridiculous
Aren't those supposed to be two grown adults on that
stage?
Well anyway,
What should I expect from a mostly un-awakened country?
This all breaks my heart...

When all the lies fade away
You in the corner, ruminating
The sun shines forth on this sullen day
And you realize your prized life has been forsaken

When you're too in love to see
Your blinded by compassion
You have so much of it that you live miserably
And now your stunted by inaction

I tread through the snowbank
I slipped down deep into it
And now everything is blank
So in the frozen stillness I sit

Within the center of the chaos
Resides the truth
Life is a multitude of revolving clocks
Spinning in alignment with abundant life which moves

Whenever you find yourself confounded
Instead of forcing a solution through manipulation
If you just surrender you will be astounded
By the simple ebb and flow of creation.

I walked up the steps in
this old building
The steps called out to me
Eerily, and I followed the tug
in my soul
I am anxious
But I follow wherever it
tells me to go

Big windows
In empty rooms
Look out onto the street below
I'm so high above everyone
I say I feel like God
I see all my friends
Down below
I am unattached,
looking down
on the world

Nothing compares to a warm embrace
and eyes connecting and
a radiant smile on a loved one's face
But their is nothing quite like solitude
It's quiet
It's haunting,
it's serene
In solitude
you can hear the whispers of your soul
and discern clearly what they mean

I've always had trouble with connection
I feel perpetually an alien
even when I see I am loved
I could never be
truly convinced in my heart
But I feel most loved and
understood
In the silence,
In the comfort of withdrawal
Is when I feel most connected
To the life force from which
I live.

As I walked down those steps
Back into the living, breathing life of
contradictions
In it being so much futility and
triviality
I know that everything will be okay
Even if, among a sea of people
I feel as if
I were the only one.

Tonight I search aimlessly and find nothing
Nothing that resonates with me
It rains outside and the air has become crisp
I breathe it in clearly through my nostrils
And I feel at ease

On this rainy day I envision snow,
even though snow is an unlikely prospect for now
Snow is an emotion I am experiencing currently
That feeling of stillness, of a deep, deep knowing
That you don't understand
You don't understand how you know,
you just do

I see deep blue eyes in this snow
and a bearded chin and a mouth that speaks slowly and deliberately
It beguiles me and yet puzzles me
For it is an oddity
He, whom I behold tenderly with my dazzled and curious eyes

Is it a bird I hear in the distance
Quietly chirping out for help?
How many of us are quietly chirping out for help
Yet too scared to scream for help?
Well, sometimes we just have to scream.

Having dreams of tripping on the road
I'm a beatnik
Convulsing under the constraining wait of conformity
I hiss out like a strangled snake
One that has knotted its own body into limitation
I yearn, cry out to a infinite void
I want so badly
For the warm sun to envelop my body
and for my heart and spirit
to be my sole and only compass

Sometimes,
I have flashbacks
of a girl who paid no mind to rules
And lived life fully
Why did I bury her,
just to survive?

Tell me the truth, I beseech you
Don't lie or falsify
or tell me sweet fantasies that
will quell my haunted mind
Tell me the truth, nothing but the truth
Or I will continue on
as a mad woman
deluded, entranced and blinded
Show me the way of truth, and I will abide,
not chide or hide
For I know the truth will give me wings to fly
to transcend the chaos of society and
my own mind

My hands search for a truth like gold,
pure and untainted
But I grasp at straws
Sometimes these straws give me false leads
that cause me joy
But when I finally reach the core of truth
for that system of belief
I see, that the whole time
I was being fed lies,
I was fervently pursuing a deception
And then I lose my sense of self again
I lose it because that belief system
is what I anchored my whole being in

Is the truth,
the absolute truth
Staring me in the eyes?
Am I being purposely ignorant of it
Because acknowledging the truth would mean that I would have to take
up my own cross
and follow Jesus?
How many people call themselves Christians,
but aren't willing to die in the name of Jesus?
Am I willing to die to my Self
and follow in the purpose God has assigned to me?

Falling down a kaleidoscopic chasm
One you or I could never fathom
I like to keep my eyes closed
because that's when I see the rose
of this tribulation
melting in the womb
of this maternal nation
It's a relation too thin,
like ice
I fall through
I keep falling through
And when I look to you
I see me
The many reflections of humanity.
I have to purge
this darkness
it attaches to my heart
like a forced dance with the devil
I'm always reaching for the stars
But being thrown down to the deepest,
darkest, dankest level
Where I feel nothing,
absolutely nothing.

What is the matter
with this sunflower child
staring deep into my eyes
She means everything and knows nothing,
I know nothing and feel everything
Purge me, purge me
From this feeling
of nothingness and everything
Breaking a part
Seeing for the first time
The blankness of reality
Stark and cold and filled with infinite light.

Went so far down the rabbit hole
That you'd never understand
I behold thee in my imagination
Eyes are portals to the soul that
cause so much elation
and frustration
For thinking I could ever discern real truth,
because truth is simply skewed
It's diluted
My lips wish to speak it,
But my mind is convoluted
And it doesn't know which words to speak
If they'd be understood
by the meek.

Stuck and infinitely running
in this circle,
going round and round
recycled
living, so alive
and stagnant
bursting and bubbling
so, so angry
and yet all I do is smile
and hold back my mind
I wring my wrists
and form fists
I knot my hands behind my back
And lock myself in
Against self-expression,
I decay
Yet another day,
wasted away
on this sovereign conformity
The nest is safe
But I'm ready to fly
and if I don't
I'll continue in this misery--
un-ending, numbing
You'll have to forgive me
Because no longer can I live this way...

I have a crush
What a rush
I can't push or feel
I just flow and kneel
Just surrender
To this ineffable splendor

Pause and breathe
cause I just have to release
That's the only way
I'll feel ease
It's my heart I want to please

Our eyes
pause on each other
Our mouths
are slightly gaping
I understand so much
in that moment
and know so little

All I can feel is
this rush,
I know this much:
I have a crush.

It's dawn now, it's the dawn of my life, of my soul
But for so long it had been night,
It had been agonizing, hollow darkness
Echoing like a gong
Pitted deep within an abyss
Despair seemed like forever a concept
Taking root in my heart
and deeming me inconsolable;
My eyes started to turn grey.

One day I laid my life on a line,
To hang, to dry
I climbed up on my roof
And howled out to the moon
I was dry and hurt and haunted
But I hadn't given up
There was a spark,
even though faint,
still flickering in the base
of my being
I didn't give up,
Something told me, taught me
Never give up
No matter how you feel,
or how hopeless something seems
Just promise me, that
you'll never give up.

Lightning came down on me with
a crashing loud noise
It shook me up,
shook me up from this nightmare
I experienced most of my life
I believed that nightmare, I believed
that lie
I choose to be miserable,
But when that realization like lightning hit me,
I started to choose to be joyful
I still experience emotions I wish I didn't feel,
But I'm better off
Testing my limits
through both good and bad times
This is not a perfect life
But at least I'm living, and not merely alive.

A dream told me to write a poem titled
Little Blue Hill,
Here it goes

First, I dreamed of Shrek
Weird, I know
I had an epiphany in my dream
It was this profound realization
This wow! moment I experienced
Right slam center within the dream
It was this:
Fiona fell in love with Shrek
because she could be her true self
in his presence
She could be the ogre she truly was with him
She could be completely vulnerable and herself with him,
No walls, no facades, no masks
Just herself
Right then my sleep was interrupted,
which I was happy about so I could remember this dream
And falling back asleep,
my brain exclaimed
That's what real love is!
I never realized that that is the deeper meaning of
Shrek all along, I never saw it there
But it was there, implicitly

In my second dream
I was at church
And I healed someone's injury
With my hands
The people of the church
applauded me and looked onto me with awe
I felt proud
But also ashamed of my pride
I wanted to stand up and say: "I don't deserve the praise. It is God alone who heals"
But I sat in a pew, with a smug grin on my face
And an elation in my heart.

In my third dream
I was talking to a guitarist at church
And I mentioned a little blue hill,
for some reason
Then, I was on that hill
and I exclaimed
"I'll write a poem about a little blue hill!"
So, I did
And here it is

If I were a boy
I would have so much less fear
I wouldn't always have to look behind my back
And be wary of who I choose to keep near
I wouldn't have to be scared about being assertive
When the guy who's flirting with me makes me disconcerted

If I were a boy
I could go out for a jog
And run in a remote area
I could go hiking and camping all alone
And not have to worry
About being ***** and murdered

If I were a boy
I wouldn't have to question what clothes I wear
Hiding myself under layers,
Because I'm scared
That I'll be abused and ravaged
If I'm attrative

If I were a boy
Reading the news about
The **** and ****** of women
Might not affect me as much as it does
It wouldn't make me reconsider
If I should go outside today,
Ride my bike alone today
Make sure the door is locked and the alarm is set
So hopefully I can get my rest
Without fearing for my life

If I were a boy
Maybe I wouldn't imagine
What it's like to be a woman
Going about her life,
Suddenly attacked by a stranger,
Struggling for her dignity and then her life
Dying under the crushing force of hatred in her killer's eyes

If I were a boy
I wouldn't understand the reasons why a woman would be scared to be a woman.

Tears well in my eyes
For the sense of powerless-ness I feel
In the pit of my stomach
So powerless to pain
So powerless to evil
I can't change it,
Erase it,
Morph it into something beautiful
Like the end of a Disney movie
When the spell is lifted
And the kingdom is restored

I see masks plastered everywhere
Having a resemblance of depth
But they're merely shallow, bottomless abysses
Echoing their identity that they cling to
I want to say:
"It's all been said before! Can't you see? All these uprisings and rebellions throughout history didn't lead us very far. Our human nature is our persisting scar"
But maybe they'd sneer and call me "un-enlightened"
But really, their ideals are not even in alignment with their lifestyles
It's bizarre how we humans can dream up ideals and a utopia in our mind,
But continue to fail to bring those dreams into physical form
Maybe we're just all not on the same wave length?

I just don't understand
Do some people actually enjoy suffering,
The perpetuators of cruelty?
Or are they programmed to act maliciously by default
Because they were taught that we live in a cruel world
And the only way to survive is by being a sociopath
Or is the source of cruelty the 1 percent,
The filthy rich looking down at us at a Roman ampitheater,
Getting a thrill off our suffering

I want to pick up the whole world in my arms
Like an ailing helpless infant,
This is what our world has become
A toddler who doesn't know better,
That is drawn in by the vibrant glow of the fire
And is burned
I suppose collectively, we just don't know better
That we continue to be self destructive in every possible way,
And we don't even know it or
We even enjoy it...

I don't want to see anymore
Sad, vacant faces
I want to see smiles abounding
And hearts eager to share love and kindness
I want to see change,
I want to feel change,
I want to be change!
I want to change!
I want, the mindset that leads to futility
Rather, what can I do and be for others?
Perhaps this is what we all must focus on.