Where is your heart,
It's a diversion
The glimmering, shimmering
Façade; the cloak
I like bright colors and shining ornaments
I thought I liked these things
Like your eyes and your voice
But it all disintergrates
Like the dust that was once mountains

My mind is the keeper of myriad memories captured by my five senses
I used to think it was all about me
And now I find myself dying to self
I can't make sense of it all
I've stopped imploring
Beating my fists to the floor, begging for more knowledge
I went out and sought the tree of knowledge
So I could take a bite of that poisonous fruit
I never found it.

Sometimes I find myself wrapped up in diversions,
Spellbound
Caught up in a web of hedonistic pursuits
Awaiting my death
I called "save me!"
Like the apostle Peter did when he was sinking
I called out in agony when all the pleasures became pain
An Angel appeared beside me
And guided me out of the dark night of my soul.

Sometimes,
On days as placid as this one
I completely forget what pain is and
How prevelant suffering is
It's too easy to just look out for myself and my own needs and wants
It's too easy to turn a blind eye to the starving child thousands of miles away from you or
The self destructive drug addict next door
It doesn't matter if the suffering is forced onto the person or if it's self inflicted
We need to love all,
Seek to bandage the wounded with unconditional love
And cast fear out of ourselves
The fear of what is foreign to us

Some days
When I'm happy and content
I ask myself,
Where is my heart?
I may never be recognized for the good deeds I've done in my life
But I rather live a life full of purpose
Even if that entails
Showering love onto the ones who are suffering
Putting myself among the lowest of the low
So that I can reach out my hand
And pull someone up to my level of joy in God.

The setting sun
Embroiders heavy,
Pregnant with rain, clouds
With hues of pink laced with gold
Up against the tranquil blue sky
The pink clouds sprawled across the solid blue
Like the wool baby blanket
You can't get yourself to give up

Sometimes
When I look up at those tangible,
Realer than life clouds
I fathom if they could possibly take me away
Zip down to me like an unidentified space craft--
I would board the clouds like a ship
And I'd be shown all
the world
All the wonders of the world,
And all the knowledge of the world not yet known to mankind

I'd escape every triviality that perplexes me daily,
Which I know shouldn't perplex me, but does anyway,
Because I'm human and sometimes I'm not as brave and noble as I want and ought to be

Bats fly overhead..
My daydreams cannot take me very far,
For they are limited to my minds synapses..
A firefly dances beside me..
The sun sets hastily
Shadows grow deeper,
Simultaneously my heart grows despondent
As the shadows of night proliferate,
Until darkness engulfs this town entirely,
Like a cloak
That incites my own inner shadows
To awaken

I dream of a day
That will be filled with elation and no more
Of this intermittent, unwanted pain
That is like birth pangs,
Unexpected and excruciating

*Sunset clouds, take me away
Take me to the paradise that my mind
Did create.

I've been making changes everyday
Since I decided I didn't like the way
I felt and thought
And I only realized today
Seeing myself in the mirror, that I'm different
I speak different now
I smile different now
I think different now
I'm different

It's like, I'm different
But exactly the same
It's hard to describe
It's just I have so much less pain
Before i was stressed and
Hurting
Always disconcerted
But now that's lifted,
I feel loved, light, gifted

This is for all the hopeless, that see no point in
Continuing on in their transient misery
Well, this is my testimony
And I hope you take it to heart
And treasure it as a keepsake,
It serving to remind you and convince you
That your ailing heart
Won't ail forever
Things change, life gets better.

I see you
I'm getting to know you
This process is
Gentle and patient
Moving along rhythmically
Like the streaming waters of a creek

I look up to the baby blue sky
And it soothes me
Just like our friendship
You're different but
the same
Yet the same merely on a surface level,
But I have an inkling that you
Have deep notions inside of you
That you don't easily unleash to the layman's ear
And you understand and know
More than you possibly could

Blue, like the surface of the ocean
And now I'm diving deep
To get to know you
And understand you better
And see you for the man you truly are
Underneath all the illusions I construct
And the persona you don
To fit in more graciously in our little town's culture
But I can see, when our eyes lock
That you have so much more depth
Than most people know

I'm a deep sea diver
And I'm diving into you
I'm brave, I'm courageous,
Through this process of getting to know you
Mental barriers are being incinerated,
My confidence is strengthening
And my desperate need for validation is withering
I know what I want,
And I will pursue
With the ease of a deep sea diver
With no oxygen tank
I go deeper and deeper,
Risking my heart, laying it bear and vulnerable
Not completely sure if you will handle it with care or
Trample it beyond repair
Pacing myself,
Holding my breathe
Losing consciousness
To reach deeper conclusions
I'm taking this last deep breathe of certainty,
And diving into the Unknown.

This logical brain I've developed
Is calculating and critical
I can't help myself from
Reminiscing of the days
When my experiences were less verbal
And more tactile, visceral and
Magical
I was so easily tantilized with
Life, with
It's abundant beauty never failing to spark
My endless curiosity

I recall
Pressing a conch shell
On my delicate child ear
And listening intently to
The recorded echo of waves
And sometimes i thought I heard the calls
Of seagulls within the interior of
The shell
And I wondered if it was even possible
For the shell not to only have the sound of the waves imprinted within it
But the sounds of the animals that dwelled within and without as well

I used to be really spellbound by the concept of God and Jesus
And mother used to tell me that they both live in my heart,
And I was completely flabbergasted,
Because not only did they live in my heart,
But she told me they lived in everyone's heart
And I imagined a young bearded man
With long brown hair
Clothed in a robe and a purple sash
Just chilling in the interior of my heart,
Like he'd made a home out of my heart

Now, I'm not completely sure
How I feel about faith and God
Because there are so many options
I find myself asking:
Are they all true?
Can it be possible that only one religious path is the right way, and the rest are wrong?
Yet I feel like the more I seek,
Though my rational brain cannot
Come up with an explanation
The more I actually feel
Sought out and
Comforted by a God
That I yearn to know more about

Just the other day
A metaphysical ball of misery
Was lifted out of the pit of my stomach
When I cried out to God
Running through dense woods
Like out of a movie,
Only me and God
Me trying to run away,
Like always,
Because the pain of this world
Is too sharp
Sobbing,
Yet,
God is redeeming me.

Cotton candy and
Pink carnations and
A pink wool baby blanket and
Our cheeks when
Our eyes meet
It's all pink, it's all
So sweet

I'm gonna talk to him
I tell myself everyday
And I never even give you a chance
'Cause when you're close, I run away
It's because I truly fear
That once we talk
All my pent up feelings and fantasies
Will be crystal clear
To you
And what if they scare you
And you run away
Thinking me odd
For my crush,
For me liking you so much?

Well,
It'll be different this time
Yea, I can talk to you,
Without letting you know
How really cool and awesome and
Different I think you are
I'll just say "hello"
And smile
And we'll talk
And become good friends
I'll soon forget all the times
I imagined marrying you
Because I'll be getting to know you,
And who knows,
Maybe you'll turn out to be so much better
Than the man I dreamt you up to be.

The sun shows white across my golden shoulders
I lay in the field of oblivion,
Sweet wildflowers dance on either side of me
My eyes are sealed shut
Yet the sun's rays still try to touch my retinas
My eyelids translate the rays into the color white
Causing my mind to drip with the essence of blankness

Your scent is palpable and it thrusts me into a prison cell
Of my own creation
I cause my vision to blur
Because you sit in front of me
And I'm intoxicated because of your presence
I'm trying to retain any sense of inhibition I have left
Within my quaking mind,
I think you turn to say hello,
I see you're smiling from my peripheral vision
I look straight forward and
Walk away

Maybe you think I'm cold or callous or aloof
But the truth is I am burning up inside for you
And I just don't know any other way to contain within me
This wild passionate flame
For if I unleash it
It could start a fire
That would not be able to be controlled
It would burn what I have now
A figment of what could be

Sometimes when I see you,
I close my heart
Because you're so beautiful to behold
And the inside of my heart turns white,
It becomes stark and cold
To the point where love it cannot hold
But when I get home
my mind scolds my heart
For being so full of fear
To the point that in the face of prospective love
I wish to disappear.

This darkness, Unshakable
Me- So very breakable
All you see
Is the shell, quaking, aching
Outside of me
And me, contained inside
Hidden away from real life
Because if I spoke my radical ideas out in the open
My life would become broken
Like glass shards strewn across a wooden floor
My feet would bleed but my heart would bleed more

The lackluster people cannot comprehend
The ideas outside of tradition and systems and dogma
And forgive me for my stuttering and reserved nature
It takes time for the shackles to melt
For I must be certain that I can be my true self
And express myself with no filter, then the lock on my vocal cords will open
It takes a skilled blacksmith to break me free from my chains
So I can feel at ease

Sometimes, it feels like people are my disease
Society, groupthink...
Can cause so much trouble
I know I must take responsibility for the way I feel
And steer clear of blame
But I'm constantly thinking,
If only we all thought for ourselves,
If only we truly stuck to our morals
And weren't afraid to be aberrant,
Then maybe we'd have more people like Nelson Mandela,
Gandhi, Rosa Parks, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Junior, Abraham Lincoln (and many more) in this world
None of these people were perfect, and some of these people sustained traumas and lived as pariahs in their communities and even in their entire countries
But to some who are outliers, these people were heroes
And thankfully they are regarded as heroes by the vast majority today
Sometimes to live a big life beyond triviality,
We must say no to comfort, our ego, our limiting beliefs
And say yes to a self-less life replete with love, curiosity and abounding possibility

This darkness that overcomes me intermittently and unexpectedly
Can only be conquered
By "looking at the bigger picture" and
Recognizing that even though I often times feel like I don't fit in
And I refuse to assimilate to a subculture because I will not sacrifice the lifelong endeavor of adding to a reservoir of knowledge and wisdom
For ignorance and blind faith and groupthink
Where people are discouraged from having their own unique and radical ideas that defy tradition or what the majority are subjected to believe through the indoctrination of an institution like a school or church
All I can do to defeat the darkness is to surrender to this condition I find myself in
Being full of life and ideas
But feeling like I have to hold it all back in this provincial town to be
"Acceptable"
But I think I'm just going to let the light shine through
I'm going to speak up, speak out
And not become some pseudo spiritual guru who charges an arm and a leg to gain access to their "life altering" retreats and seminars
People are always looking outside of themselves to "find enlightenment" or the next fix that will "fix" them
But we get hooked to these life coaches churning out programs with high price tags like drugs
We need to feel competent, worthy, and purposeful
We dream about becoming just like these people ripping us off
But they're just as clueless as us,
They're just rich off of our clueless-ness and desperation
But I'm going to try something different--
I'm just going to be myself, stand up for my rights and the rights of others
Live a life of service, even if that entails radical service where my life is on the line
Stop seeking validation from people who don't matter
And not give the enemies I will inevitably make by being myself any importance in my life and my life's mission
So, that's it folks
I hope you decide to do the same.

Art is a lot like life
It never comes out
The way I imagined it.

Sometimes
I still
Think of you

Only hundreds of miles away
A train took me away
So far, far away
To a new day

I regret to say
That even though mostly
I've forgotten
Let go of the past
Finally
Some days I think about you and
Us
The happy and the sad
The times we snuggled up together
In the morning before you had brushed your teeth
So you refused to kiss me
But I still stole kisses from you anyway

And then sometimes
I remember the breakup
And how ugly it got
And how cruel we became
Slandering each other to our friends
And calling each other names
So I wonder if it was true love
Like we said it was
And even if the onlookers disagree
I think I know
That we loved each other, maybe, once

I fear intermittently,
I get terrified
Of the thought
That I will never fall in love again
With someone else
The way I fell in love with you

And some alien longing
That I try so eagerly to repress
Is still beating in my chest
Some wish born 6 years ago
When I was so young
And we held each other in our arms
And I told you I loved you
And you got so excited, you almost cried
And you kept telling me again and again and again
"I love you. I love you. I love you!"

And then eventually,
Months later
those words evaporated
As we separated
And even though we claimed to still love each other
I could no longer find a genuine love in you
And I think it had left me too
Only to be replaced by selfishness and hate

I have
This weird dream
Two people sitting at a screen
One expressing her soul
The other receiving,
Reading
But where does this knowledge go?
My intention is to move your soul
But does it fail?

Sometimes I still think of you
And I find it unwarranted
But I can't help myself from sinking back into the
Warmth of these memories
The nostalgia brings me ease
It takes me back to a time
When I still held hope in my youthful heart
Before the trauma reshaped me
Before the disease
Of my identity
Re-made me
Into this cynical, skeptical being
Who can't receive relief

Sometimes I experience
A vestigial grief
For everything I once had
That I took for granted.

The final day, the final hour
The final minute, the final second
The final moment
Moments
Wrapping up around me
Like sweet sweet surrender
Coming down on me
Turning frowns upside down on me
Oh sweet melodies
Caress my inquisitive mind
And time no longer follows a linear path
The past, present and future merge
Into this outcome
That like a once cocooned caterpillar
Emerges
With luminous wings of art
And the wind whispers secrets
My conscious mind cannot yet discern
When I close my eyes
Close, open
Close, open
Like a sea anemone
Pulsating beneath
Layers of dense, buoyant water
Strands like limbs
Moving fluidly with the flow
Of I know and I don't know
The outcome,
Like an equation
Nearing so close
Hold my heart so
passionately inside of me
Here we go.

There are no boundaries
In the mind
Anything is conceivable
It's practically unbelievable
I create and destroy at my every whim
Like a pendulum, like a monstrous crane
I close my eyes,
And exist in an alternate reality, In my brain

Visual artist is not enough of a description
To define these visions
I see worlds I can create
With multitudes of mediums

What a profound blessing
And an irreversible curse
To feel and see and be so intensely
To be so deviant from the mediocre
Whose thoughts are like stale smoke
I see color, I see life
I see beauty, and the living struggling under
The weight of strife
But I get out easel and brush
Right when I've had enough
And I create my way back to sanity

Maybe it's merely a false happiness
That I aim to create
To stave off this disease of
Reality
That I hate.

I'm the most negative person
I'm the most positive person
I'm the nicest, kindest, loveliest person
you'll ever meet
I'm the meanest, nastiest, cruelest of souls

I'm so skeptical
I'm so open hearted
I live my life with bounded feet
I dance to the beat of my own dream.

I am a conglomeration of contradictions
How the **** am I supposed to know who I am,
What my purpose is,
In which direction to follow
When my soul is both north and south
Light and dark
Love and evil

“I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was just an introverted pizza. I wish all my acquaintances were so tasty.
” ~ Jarod Kintz

Speaking up
For myself,
And you
Speaking up for the Universe

No need to sit back in fear
No need to be anyone's victim
You're stronger than you think
You're passionate about a cause
And it doesn't matter if they don't care

Burn the record of how many times you've been knocked down
Stand up, stand up
Don't ever ever give up
Cause you're too strong to surrender
So we got to stop pretending

Our minds are on fire
In our hearts: an insatiable desire
So why are we wasting our lives away
In our own figurative caves
Do you hear your call to change?
It's time to get up and change yourself
So we can change the world.

Gone With The Wind is one of my favorite movies. I resonate so strongly with both Scarlett and Melanie... I feel like Scarlett is all ego and Melanie is all heart and soul. I feel like these two characters are two voices of many in my psyche. I experience a constant internal battle within, as my inner Scarlett prattles relentlessly on, draining my energy, with her goals being vain pursuit, external validation and self preservation. My inner Melanie on the other hand, fully aware of my inner Scarlett's self sabotage, embraces Scarlett lovingly and compassionately, yet doesn't allow Scarlett to throw her off center or make her feel inferior, because it's impossible for Melanie to feel inferior or in desperate need because she knows her intrinsic worth. So, in all, I would say that Scarlett is my ego and Melanie is my Soul.~~ Just sharing my analogy with the community to shed light on a struggle many of us face~~

Bored
Of all this noise and all these toys and this empty,
Empty void
I'm bored with rules and regulations
Tired of this home and this cold bed
I'm blinded by these white cracked walls that keep me in
I'm tired of this fear that doesn't let anyone in
I'm bored of this television and laptop
I'm tired of being twenty
Even though when I was a teen I was severely depressed
At least I looked forward to a brighter future
Now all I feel is intense anxiety and fear of leaving the nest
Accidents and crime prevail
And I let that hold me back from setting sail.

Bored, within these four walls
And I can barely breathe with ease
Because fear is constantly closing in on me
Sometimes I think all I need
Is arm that I can trust, to protect me from harm
But let's be realistic
There is no one in this world I can trust
Most hearts have hardened and become masochistic
So my own heart has begun to rust.

Slumber
Through decay
Slumber through the whole day
Time just keeps ticking away
And night creeps stealthily and soon
Until there is no more light, not even from the moon

Go on, let us continue in our sleep
Let's continue numbing the truths we wish not to speak
For even I know our future is bleak,
For even I know our future is bleak

I may not spend all my hours
Educating myself on politics
I'm out chasing butterflies like I'm still 5
But it doesn't take a smart person to know
That if we collectively continue in the direction we are heading
It will all go...
Their will be no more earth to sow
No more life to grow

I guess, maybe
This Universal death is inevitable
Natural, though catastrophic
Like frightened animals anticipating a storm
We're in a frenzy, running in circles
Turning to myriad vices and hollow hopes
Only to reach the final day
And realize,
Transcendence was not to be avoided
For through transcendence
We awaken

Like you so much it hurts
My body's aching
My heart is yearning
The song that reminds me of you is on repeat
Could you make my heart replete?

Sometimes I say Never mind
Sometimes I just want to shake you out of my mind
I think I don't have the time
I don't have the tolerance
To love again
Past mirrors and compliments into becoming each other's confidants

See it's really all slipping away
Last time I saw you
It was just a micro second
You skidded away on your long board
Came into my vision as quickly as you left
And I'm stuck in this stagnation
Breathing out life into this oblique resignation
I twist and turn, when will I learn
To not give my heart away again

Just have to stand on two feet
Because I have them and got to
Move forward and do, I think
But I can't get up from those days
It's all a haze
A dream that produces screams

Not ready
Not ready
Not ready to live
She said
On her last day.

Remnants of you
Paint my walls
Pepper my subconscious

See the world is melting literally,
And I just can't open my heart
To accept this misery

Tides are rising
My emotions are in hiding
Iron heart, girl set a part
It's a subtle and calculating art
I collect men's hearts
And feel nothing inside.

Remnants of lost hope
Is what you left
In my apartment, in my soul and heart
But see,
I don't care
And that's what really bothers me.

You saw me crying tears
I'm not okay
Don't let me go
Don't let me walk away

How can I know this is true?
Can't open my heart up again to be abused
You got another love on your mind
You made promises
But how can I know we'll pull through?

You say the stars have aligned
But I can't shake this cynicism from my mind
You're all heart
and I'm all brain
But this overthinking has got me to the brink of going
Insane

Dress me in pearls and tie my hair in a bow
I try to be feminine
But I truly know
That I want to be strong
And there is nothing wrong
with a woman
who can be happy on her own

I want to be happy on my own
But honestly, sometimes that can be lonely
And sure, you get on my nerves,
So why do I miss you holding me?

You've got big eyes just like a child's
Full of sadness and hope
You don't understand how hard it is for me to give my heart up
You'll probably hurt me too
So what's the point of going through with this?

Time only makes bonds stronger
So, there's no point for me to stick around any longer
I wish I could tell you that I care
I really do
But I need you to leave
Before I fall too hard for you

Might as well deal with the pain now
Before time passes and the
pain of severance is
unbearable
Deeming my heart irreparable
Just hold me in your arms one last time
Cuz I've already come up with all the reasons I have to say goodbye

You heard me cry
And you ignored me
I still have a sore heart
Even though you said sorry
Just don't worry
It'll all be over soon
Too bad this hurts too much,
I really wanted to love you.

Tell me what it feels like
While tears stream from your eyes
Never seen such beautiful eyes
Makes me thankful
Makes me feel overwhelmed with joy
I can't put it into words
I just want more

Just want more life,
Just want more love
But which way to turn?
One road leads to life
The other leads to burns

Can I love
at the expense of another?
Tell me, anybody,
anybody ....

Love is not a prison cell
It shouldn't feel hard, cold, or chaotic
It shouldn't feel like you are existing in hell
And neither partner should be despotic

True love is like a warm summer's day
Or a winter's snow-- Whichever you prefer
Hearts of lover's entwined should burst open like a child's heart at play
Feeling so full of love that all your misery blurs away

But some lovers come crashing down from the high of infatuation
No longer are they able to perceive their lover's beautiful aspects
No more are they able to see through the eyes of their imagination
They can only see a partner full of discrepancies and lack

How do you build a stable foundation under the fleeting sensations of infatuation and attraction?
A foundation can be established, but it takes hard work and effort
It takes more than speaking words, it takes action
It's not easy, but if you really want it, it's a worthwhile endeavor

If you ever find yourself confined by what you call love
But it feels like you're suffocating
Drowning in a bottomless pit of mud
Then it is in your best interest to be liberated

To set ourselves free can be terrifying
Sometimes, we seek comfort in the security of a cage
But our weakest moments are our most fortifying
You can never predict the ending of a story, You just have to turn the page.

Let me be weak
Let me be small
Let me hide
And crawl into a ball
Let me cry
Until the tears are all gone
Let me feel pain
Without trying to make it go away
I don't want to stop my tears,
I don't want to smile right this moment
I just want to feel this pain
That I cannot explain
And let it pass
So I can be free of it
At last.

Open yours eyes
Let go of sweet alibis
You know those are just sugar coated lies

Open your eyes
I am standing in front of you
Quiet the chaos inside
You've got to get out of there
I took a peek inside your brain
and I've got to say,
Those voices sound quite insane

But don't pay mind to those voices
They do not own your name
They are just voices that feed the lie that you're not okay
That you'll never meet the measure
Just open your eyes,
And experience life and all of it's pleasures

I'm standing here before you,
Can't you see me?
A living, breathing, sentient being
Your internal chaos has vanquished you
It has stolen your sight
All you can see now are the lies that rule your life

Open your eyes,
I'm here for you and I understand
Can you not move, can you not feel?
I reached out my hand
Now reach out yours,
I will grab hold of it
And lift you up from the floor

Open your eyes
Love stands before you in all of it's purity
But you are unsure and full of insecurities
I bestow my love with no requirements or
debts
Because my heart  just gets stronger
The more I love unconditionally,
So, let me in,
Please

Open the eyes of your heart,
And finally, you will see.

Can I really know
Where to direct my steps,
In which direction to go?

I must interact within the orb of sentience
to attain the answers to the questions I do not know
Can't find the answers in the dictionary or
Internet
I got to open up my door
And let life in
I got to invite life to tango with me,
So I can spin, spin, spin
There is no guarantee that I will be successful and win
All I can do is try, tango, spin
Fall, sometimes feel small,
And get back on my feet again.

You're the perfect stranger
I just couldn't have arranged this

I was roaming aimlessly in a field layered in snow
Trying to walk across a log above a creek
But I couldn't get to the other side
So I went back

I saw you in the distance
I walked up to the bench that I put my grocery bags down on
Your puppy came right up to me
Once we started talking we couldn't stop

Like two puzzle pieces
We fit perfectly
Everything was smooth and fluid
There was not one moment of strain or awkwardness
Some may call what we experienced chemistry
But I much rather call it serendipity.

Have you ever
Wondered why
Sitting on ground
Under a overwrought sky

Why plays on a loop in my mind

Why are we here?
Why do I exist?
Why do I feel agony when I experience bliss?
Tense, I curl my hands into fists
Lay my comatose body down in barren lot
And allow the inquiries to persist

If I just had some answers
It would cease
Finally, I could be at peace
But everyone has a different take on
The meaning of life

Sometimes
In an attempt to let it all go
In a barren land where nobody goes
I kick off my shoes
And release all the questions,
I let the intense desire to know go
For in that segment of time
I don't need to know
I just need to be
Experience life through my senses
Touch, taste, smell, hear, see
And not through my mind's faulty reasoning.

I murdered Lust on a street corner
It was a dark and foggy night
A street lamp flickered above her
She stood in it like it was the spotlight
She always craved to be bathed in
The center of attention
A woman desperately pursuing affection.

She wore a skin-tight skirt
Fish-net pantyhose
Long high-heeled leather boots
A black tank top
I looked into her swollen face
And she looked up and smiled at me
This sort of smile that is automatic and plastered
Her face was powdered, blushed and bronzed
Layers of illusion painted on
Her eyes were dead
Black substance like molded milk ran down her under-eye creases
She spoke as she exhaled a cloud of smoke:
"Happiness is only real when shared."
At her I glared
Her, standing there, waiting for someone to pay for her tricks
And I asked her: "Do you do it for love or do you do it for drugs?

And she froze
Froze like the lake in winter
I moved in closer
I realized,
She was staring into a void
That I could not see
A paranormal void
She tried to speak
But she had become too weak
She fell to the ground
I checked her pulse
But she started to choke
I cradled her in my arms
And shed a tear
She vanished into dust
Right before my eyes
The midnight breeze carried her away
And I can't believe
That I murdered Lust that day.

This earth is an endless racing track
Have to keep moving forward
Never look back

I can feel it coming on, an attack
Where's the control
In an life full of lack

Running away from this anxiety
Why am I lying to myself
I want no part in this society

I can't sit still
Something's going on and it's wrong
Won't let society take my free will

Capricious
Gotta put on my running shoes
Gotta get out of here.

Dying to be me
Within this society of conformity

Just want to be free from the shackles
Freed from the cage
Aching for freedom is what I express on this page

Blood drips from my lips
My psyche has suffered a massive tear
Reality is seeping in like unnatural poison
It's keeping me from sleep
because I toss and turn in despair

Trying to make sense of this material world
But it's so unstable
I think I see it with my eyes
But a force like wind
Blows it all away
Like particles losing their tenacity and evaporating
Into space
Maybe that's all we can get out of this life--
An endless, unfulfilling chase

I try to convince myself to stay sane
To be happy and march along with the masses
To be the same
But what is in a name
When the world is in mayhem
And you're expected to just pretend

In empty space
You can erase
Limits are unknown
It's like being in a fish bowl of snow
You become numb because it's cold
And eventually you can't tell the difference between
your body and your soul.

I'm just dying to be me
I'm just dying for humanity's integrity .

I board a public bus
A graying bus driver is a woman and then morphs into a man
A normal experience within a dream

My eyes glaze over as I assume a state of aloofness
As I tend to do when surrounded by unfamiliar people
As some sort of defense mechanism
As if the otherworldly look in my eyes
Will thwart the formation of an ill intention forming in the mind of a stranger that occupies the bus with me
Just in case

Two older men are on the bus
I don't validate their existence
When I am aloof
It feels like I am the only person truly alive
Everything gradually grows dimmer
As my inner world roars as loudly as an amphitheater.

The bus drives for hours
I've never been on this bus before and I've never been to the town I am traveling to
I'm going there to check out a church
Even though I'm not a Christian
Hours pass...
I start falling asleep in my dream
The bus has no stops

Finally, the bus reaches the end of its route
I am dropped off in front of a CVS along with the other two male passengers
One scruffy old man leers at me and smiles at me
But I act as if I didn't see him
I have no idea how to get to the church
It's getting dark
All that is around is the CVS, the bus stop, and a road with an onslaught of cars driving in either direction
Why did I make this hours long trip if I didn't even know exactly where I was going?
If only I could cross the wide street to get to the other side where the bus stop for the bus back home is
But I can't
The cars were driving at fast speeds and their was a constant flow of them
So I stood in that nakedness of uncertainty and abounding possibility
Stuck and calculating
As the sun set over this foreign place I ended up in
All because I was seeking some purpose
And yet, it brought me so far away from home,
the comforts and luxuries and certainties of home
Yet, when I awoke, something deep and vital within me knew
That I will never find my purpose within the comfort of my home.

Celebrating an identity in a gender
Oh! The lipstick,
Oh! The spanx
To God I give thanks!

Being female,
What a blessing,
Even though, I've got to tell you,
These gender roles can be depressing

Nothing like dressing up for a date,
Don't forget, you must be royally late!
Pile on the mascara, concealer and lipstick
Hey mama, don't forget to pull down your dress a bit
You almost forgot to reveal your cleavage!

Please, by all means, empty that pretty little head of yours
Of any intelligence or reason
Girl, your only purpose is for a man's pleasing!
Now, get to that appeasing
You shouldn't be wasting all your time teasing.

Oh, mama, cry it out
Weep and pout
Gossip with your girls
Reject that pretty girl...
Who does she think she is, being naturally beautiful?
She doesn't deserve friends
If she needs support, she has an abundance of men who can pretend.

Go ahead now, pull up that mini skirt more
What do you think he's looking for?
Do you think he cares about your brain?
You're insane!
Do you think he treasures your heart?
Oh please, don't fall apart.
Do you think he'll still love you when you're old?
What, do you think men fall in love with your soul?

In celebration of being female
Let me spare you some advice
Love yourself with all you've got
And please, stop begging for it (love)
Stop showing your legs for it
If you cultivate dignity for yourself and
Love yourself
True love is guaranteed forever.

Just my cup of tea

My hair dancing with the breeze

My heart exploding with love and kindness


A clear blue sky

Beheld in my eyes

Tears of joy stream down my cheeks

Years of misery washed away on a desolate beach

The bad memories have sunk to the bottom of the ocean

Lifeless and without motion


The children and the trees

The melody in the breeze

How everything is so serene

And my mind feels ever so clean

I can lean into darkness while showering myself with light

Everything is alright, the beauty is so ubiquitous I'm blind

Love has no sense of time.

Dear Friend,

When will I see you again?

I heard that life's unfair

That the one you share your heart with has become ensnared

I'm writing you to tell you, it's OK to be scared

And I really, really care

I'll always be there.

Sincerely,
Your Friend