To see life through new eyes,
To witness the ocean drink up the sunset
To truly live again,
And breathe deep within my lungs
Is my definition of paradise

To hold a lover close
To follow my heart and
Forget the rules
To revel in pleasure
And despise pain
To live genuinely
Without masks

Is to live life with new eyes,
And a renewed heart
To turn away from what is killing me
And embrace this life,
With every fiber in me.

I am deserving
And I don't need to produce reasons
For why I am
I just am,
And I know it,
I'm convinced of it,
And nothing is gonna put out
This fierce fire
Of my new found self love.

Thank you for destroying me,
Dear ex
I had never loved another so deeply,
Or let down my walls more
Than I had with you
And what did you do with me?
You tortured my soul
And burned me like embers
You toyed with me
Making promises you knew deep down you would fail to keep,
But still,
I thank you
For destroying me

Because, you see
You were the fire I needed
To burn away
All the parts of myself that were inauthentic,
Turning to ash all my ego,
Obliterated my sense of self
Losing you and all of the promises you made
Was like losing one version of my life,
That I had come to cherish so much
It was like being the captain of
The sinking titanic,
Choosing to die
With the damaged ship

But I reemerged from that icy misery I existed in for so long,
Realizing that **** happened
And I couldn't do anything to change that
But what I could do
Was take the actions required to have the life I want,
Instead of wasting my time wallowing over how someone I once loved
Hurt me,
Almost destroyed me,
And we called that love
But it WOKE ME UP
It destroyed me and woke me up,
Do you understand?
Yes,
I lost something I had invested so much time and love and care into,
But I can't control that
And it's time to reconcile with the pain,
By making peace with the past,
So I can live in the right here, right now,
In the present.

Last year I was inert,
A desert of my own
A planet out of orb
I saw things from a distance
I felt things, only safely
And I only did things
When no one was looking

But I grew, boy, did I grow
Like a ***** breaking forth
From a sidewalk crack
I externalized a long held internal scream
And I let,
Yes, I allowed
Myself to beam
To show the world
The very best and the very worst
Parts of me

These days,
I refuse to feel shame
For the things about me
That are less than
I am broken and beautiful
Incomplete on my own, yet strong
And I refuse to hide myself
In fear of being attacked by an onslaught of criticisms,
Telling me of everything about myself that is wrong
But I choose to take the risk,
Everyday,
To walk out into this world,
Armorless and brave
So maybe I will have the chance
To reach out to an ailing heart,
Like I once had,
And help those hurt people to see that
They are so loved,
By Jesus
And that in Him we are made complete.

I'm fickle, they say
Swinging like a pendulum
from elation to dismay
But I rode towards the sunset today,
While you all were screaming in the background,
Basking in the chaos of ignorance

Some smiles are plaster,
And some are real
They say to look at the eyes
Then you'll know how a person really feels
But I'm a soul inspector,
You see,
A student of the streets
It's not the outside that matters
But the interior, the base that makes something complete
For a pretty house can be built upon unstable ground,
But is it truly sound?
This is why we must look past the smile
Through the eyes,
Into the soul
--that's when we'll see,
and that's when we'll know
the things that are unseen,
and the things that are unknown.

Awakening to this grand mystery
My mind-- blistering
Sitting here
Fidgeting
Thoughts in constant loops spinning
I'm sipping
On consumption
Reaching for more
But wishing for reduction
Production is what we're aiming for
But all I want to do is break this world a part
Because this world is like a broken clock
Still ticking but spinning into chaos
We need to stop the running away
From our problems
Before we spiral into oblivion
Instead, our calling is
To break a part this world
And all it's corrupt systems
So maybe,
In destruction of the old ways and the old world,
A new, loving earth can be born
One in which we will hold each other in inifinite compassion,
An earth beyond our wildest dreams,
The dreams of our innocent childhoods
Before we awoke to
This nightmare.

Save me from this mind
That festers with fears
And wastes my precious time
Thinking of what could be
But maybe
I've just got to live and see
But my Mind,
Calculating all the time
Comes to me with false data
Look how things didn't work out for other people,
Look, that one died,
That one got tortured,
That one got abused
Those people are dying out in the streets,
Being misused
I say thank you Mind,
For agitating me,
Causing me to loath the fact that
I somehow
got put on this earth,
This twisted place
And how so often I feel like I don't truly belong,
Even though I love
I just feel like
How on earth,
Did I ever end up HERE?
Because I don't belong here,
And neither do you
But it's outliers like us
That will change the world.

rain, clouding my glasses,
little droplets skewing street lights
cars travelling by
on this street, in the night
i stop by the open field
with the locked fence
my dog pulls at his leash,
straining to go forward
but i resist,
to savor this moment

the backdrop was navy blue,
with grey hues
fireflies lit up the open field
like little stars glowing
i let the rain soak me,
clean my festering wounds
and water my parched body
i took in a deep breathe of this night,
closed my eyes
to soak in every sensation
so maybe i wouldn't forget,
and could call upon this moment
while my soul suffers it's bouts of desolation

if only,
i was always
this present
i guess then,
i wouldn't be so distant

Come a little closer,
Stand a little taller
Speak a little louder
And come dance with me
Over this lustrous July breeze
You're the soul I wish to squeeze
For every single detail about you
Brings me great ease

This attraction fails to cease
In no way could it ever decrease
I just have to believe
It's for a higher purpose and
A better cause
One I can't quite comprehend currently
I'm just left here daydreaming of you holding me

Is there any way for you to see
That there has to be
A way for things to go along more quickly
What is the specific recipe
For turning dreams into reality?
To have your lips touching mine,
Shooting me out into pure ecstasy

So come a little closer,
Dare to dance with me,
We could do the tango,
Or the fox trot
Maybe some contemporary,
Lets get to the point,
About how we feel
To make these dreams real.

When did I ***** these parameters,
From which I can't escape
Since when did I hem myself in so tightly
That I can't breathe, that I refuse to let myself be
I made rules for myself
To deter myself from getting hurt
But these rules are suffocating me,
Suffocating my autonomy
What happened to the days when I proclaimed boldly
That I would grow up to be just like Amelia Earheart
Fearlessly flying beyond any limitations
Until I am boundless,
Beyond the limitation of my body
Why has the trauma of adolescence and the uncertainty of adulthood
Made me such a calculated, cynical being,
Begging the ineffable for meaning?
Digging for the answers of what I'm supposed to be
Can females be forward and pursue their dreams?
Without the fantasy of a man who would provide stability
I guess the world has made me scared
Of the reality of being a woman
That wanting a man
Feels like a necessity, like a security blanket,
Or a gun
To ward off these crimes against womanhood
But it's really a flaw in perspective,
Women may be the victim of ****** oppression,
Being used as flesh mannequins to penetrate and beat,
A weaker vessel on which to release the pent up rage of the patriarchy
But I shall persist, nonetheless,
For when the whole world is against me
I rise
I've been a victim for too long
But in my victimhood I have found that I am strong
And that the only security I need
Is this relentless heart,
Living for a cause
So that maybe oneday, more people's eyes will be open to see,
And soon we'll just be able to breathe
Without all this trauma and worldwide unease
Death has become defeated,
So, I must live without parameters,
I must be fearless.

These days I don't look at the calendar,
These days I don't watch the clock
These days I don't have money,
But I'm alright,
Just doing me

These days I don't worry about no one but myself
These days I don't people please
I just walk forever,
Trying to get away from what's killing me

In December I left my job
I couldn't take the bullying anymore
I was sick of the minimum wage,
The sparse hours
No matter how much I tried my best,
My coworkers looked down on me,
I was the only one who wasn't a struggling single mother,
Maybe they were scared that I thought I was better than them

In December I would keep singing the song
I dreamed a dream from the Les Miserables soundtrack
I was so stuck
But then there was Christmas break
For three days
And I felt so free!
That I just knew I couldn't go back

But now I see it's the last day of June
I have no idea what I'm doing next
It's scary as hell
To be a blank canvas,
To be so aimless
What am I going to do with my life?
I wish a lightning bolt would strike me from heaven
And tell me what I'm supposed to be
It's been six months of doing nothing,
But within this intermission,
I feel myself healing...
Deeply.

I created all these ideals in my head,
I'm going to be the famous writer
With the perfect family I never had
But I just learned
You have to live at rock bottom for a while
Until you can live a fulfilling lifestyle

So, I'll brace myself,
I'll be prepared
For these ideals I have
Will take time to reach
Each a perilous path to the top of my dreams
No matter how much I scream
From the pain this upward climb will bring
I will persist, evermore
Until I have all that I deserve

I need to live fearlessly,
And do what I love
Because it's better to follow your heart's plan,
Than fail at something you never wanted in the first place.

I'm so in love, I can't deny it
I tried to hide it
But I simply couldn't fight it
bubbling forth to the surface
My heart is beating rapidly,
My feelings are inexplicable
I just want to wrap my arms around you
And kiss you
Oh, please don't call me despicable

And I know you want it too,
From all the little things you do
But why, WHY?
Do we force ourselves to conceal?
We're so afraid of getting hurt,
But getting hurt is just a part of being real
My stubborness can't hold me back anymore
Because everytime I look into your eyes
I become elated inside
And I can't stand not seeing you for days,
I just want to be near you,
I just want to know you,
Hold you in stormy weather
And kiss you in spring
I want to be your fortress,
I want to heal your broken wings.

Listen,
I know times are hard,
Listen,
I've been there before
Crying on the floor
Bare and scared
Talking to the walls,
Wishing someone was near

Listen,
I'm right here
And I'm real
Reach out your hand to touch me
So you can feel

Because I know you're heart is beating
But your blood is stale
Gasping for sweet air,
Gasping for love
You fought until your knuckles bled
For a love that could quell the demons in your head
But that love never came
And it never will come

Because that love is a mere fantasy
Fed to us by our t.v.
Movies like Casablanca and Gone With the Wind
Momentarily appease
Our hungry hearts pleas
But it's not reality,
These promises of perfect love
Wrapped in packages of perfection
Because loving is agony,
It's deception with a kiss on the cheek

But listen,
It's real,
And I'm not perfect
But at least I'm here
I don't look like Audrey Hepburn,
And our love is not worthy of storybook fantasies
But I'll stay by your side
Until the very day you depart to the sky
I'll never have you doubt the tenacity
Of my imperfect love

So listen,
This is what I can offer,
With open arms
Come find comfort with me
Admist this harsh world.

I'm always looking for a thrill
That will fulfill
The echo humming silently within
I search for a bridge
That will bring together the chasm between my heart and my mind
It pains me to be so distant,
To feel nothing inside

And yet I started to feel something today,
Like a a sprout growing forth from barren soil
My fears birthed from years of endless toil
Were overcome by the power of Love
It cut my fears down to size
It opened up my eyes
It gutted me and had me on the floor crying
Thinking of absurdities, like dying
I felt so many things I haven't felt in so long
My heart was bursting forth with so much bittersweet love
My ego caved and my insecurites could not be saved
As the wave of Love ravaged my every notion
And suffocated my ego in the depths of the Ocean
Where I experienced profoundly God's undying devotion
His love is unconditional, limitless
In endless supply
How could I fathom this,
Being a little human, am I
But I took "I" away
And saw
We are all
Eternal brothers and sisters
Stuck in our internal wars
But God just wants to love us
And heal our our scars.

I was sixteen
We started fires in graveyards
Had *** in public parks
At 2 a.m.
Drank stolen 12 packs behind abandoned factories
And played Nirvana without end

We smoked **** in ditches
And burned holes in our skin for fun
We kissed strangers
While closing our eyes
And imagining Jim Morrison

We popped unlabeled pills
We were put in psychiatric hospitals
We watched indie films
While we made our ****** art
We played basketball in a parking lot
After smoking fruity blunts

We found an abandoned mansion,
And slept in abandoned homes
We would get so drunk we wouldn't know where to go
We fell down hills and scraped our knees
We cut ourselves with dull blades
Crying in the shower, un-saved
We drank champagne alone
Crying to ourselves
In a lonely home

We blasted Pink Floyd and stared into each other's eyes
We watched Black Swan and walked home on the January ice
I said I wanted to be with you forever
But you became mad,
You said forever is too long

We rode in the back of cars at night
Singing Italian songs before the inevitable fight
We danced on beaches
And stripped in the sprinklers of dawn
Running through the lawns
We were outlaws
Bonnie and Clyde
Making a habit of destruction
So we could hide our sorry hearts.

If you wanted to know,
Then yes,
I like you
If you wanted to know,
Then yes,
I love you
If you wanted to know,
Then yes,
I adore you

Everything you do mesmerizes me,
From the way you move to the way you talk
The way you smile and the way you look into my eyes
The way you nervously look away,
If you wanted to know,
Then yes,
I care
And I notice
And I see
What others don't

If you wanted to know,
The heart wants what it wants
And my heart
Wants you
Flaws and all
I am blind to all of them
All I can see is You
Past the confusion and pain
And all the time gone by without gain
I thought you were gone for good,
But look,
You're back
Walking beside me
Exactly where you should be
By my side, in my heart
Stay here and don't depart.

Do you ever hide away at home
Because daily living has a heavy toll
You see potential pain in every moment,
Every face,
In every pause and every lag
You are overcome by lurking sadness
It screams that you will never be
Who you dream to be
You pass the bridge and look down
You push aside the thoughts of pain,
For jumping off is what you refrain from
You have a plastered smile to keep you sane
But really, all it does is make you seem inane

I look into a twisted mirror,
I see the face of a contorted figure
I ask: "Who are you?"
But no answer is delivered
I'm just a mind plagued with the residue of trauma
Debilitating memories that make me shake and want to huddle in a ball
Tear the whole world apart with my ****** claws
Scream and create nonsensical havoc
Because I can't seem to compensate
For all the confusion that swims below in my subconscious
I need someone to hold me,
But I convince myself,
No one could love me and my demons
I have a reasoning mind but my heart is disconnected
If you knew my story you'd understand why my internal world is so hectic
And yet my lips are sealed
For I try to conceal
And perfect and attain
The life of my ideals
But on days like today
I feel so far away from joy
I sit, deformed, shaking on the floor
Not understanding anymore
Not understanding anymore.

My heart had become unplugged
For once I loved and loved and loved
But my love was taken for granted
Smashed on the floor and broken, ravaged
I sit here, dumb-founded and crying
Looking through the reel of memories in my mind
Trying to figure out at what point it all went wrong
But my life has been a series of painful experiences
Escapism was my way to quell the incessant shame
But an unplugged heart knows not how to receive
The relief and release of unconditional love
It's there for my taking
Delivered by Jesus
If I would just stretch out my hand and accept it,
I could live in His love, undaunted
I'm a child of God,
And I know this
It's time to plug my heart back in
And own it.

I'm bursting at the seams because of an untold secret
A harmless attraction that I hide away for reasons I don't understand
My analytical mind tries to frantically reason with me saying:
"If you reveal how you feel you will open yourself up to the possibility of the pain of rejection"
Fear is leading me right now,
But I can't take it anymore
I want to throw fear off of my back,
Open my sails to the winds
And fly into the vastness of possibilities that the endless and uncertain ocean has to offer me
I want to take my life by the reigns and at least try to get what I want
And if I get rejected or fail, at least I've tried
And am better prepared for the next time things don't go the way I planned

It's funny how these irrational fears get weaved into our beings
Seeds of fear were sown when we were defenseless against the many cruelties of the world,
So we built walls around our vulnerable hearts
But sometimes those walls are so tall and secure
That even a trustworthy person is seen as a potential intruder
Who, once allowed inside the interior of the heart,
May ravage it

Well, I'm going to let down my walls a little bit,
Heck, I've grown so much inside,
Changed, rearranged and uprooted so much of what was slowly killing me
I'm not exactly where I want to be
But I'm progressing steadily
Maybe letting the right people in
Is the next step in my journey

This secret can no longer be contained
It sits at the back of my throat,
Like a frog
Ready to leap forth
I deserve what I want
And I deserve to express myself, unabashed
I just can't live a lie anymore,
And living in fear is the grand lie,
But living from Love,
I know what to do,
It whispers softly in my heart:
*Speak the truth.

I remember being a child, going to the circus,
With my little sister and my mother
We rode a yellow taxi into Manhattan
My mother tried to get me to walk up to the elephant
But I adamantly refused, which I later regretted

I was spellbound by the tigers
And told my mother that I was going to train tigers and lions in the circus to jump through hoops when I grow up,
Just one of the many careers I considered in my early life

And what a surprise,
To grow up and incur so many wounds
I never saw my family's dysfunction when I was younger,
I was probably one of the happiest kids ever,
But aren't most kids blissful? Because they don't know
They don't yet fully comprehend the perverse world they have been born into

What a surprise to have my dreams ripped so stealthily from me
To see this jubilant child transformed into a gasping fish on the floor,
Gasping for it's life,
To no avail,
As passerby become bystanders
Looking indifferently at the suffering,
Not being able to feel
Refusing to help

I remember being in my hometown,
Third grade,
Standing at the bus stop with my mother and my younger sister
The sun was setting, dusk
A tattered, leathery old man
Who was extremely drunk,
Tried desperately to get across a wide and busy street
I anxiously looked up to my mother
And begged her to help him, or let me help him
She refused, a scowl on her face,
She excused herself just like everyone else around her,
Like all the people in cars that almost hit him
As he was helplessly on his knees
Fists deep in hot rubble
A drunken daze of anguish on his face,
Paralyzed in this position
And I cried
Letting out little screams
Everytime this poor man
Fell on the ground in front of a car
And I thought I was going to witness the end
Of this helpless man

Another time
I was in Las Vegas
With my pregnant mother, and my sister and my grandparents and my mother's soon to be husband
We took a plane to Las Vegas, I was eight
Because my mother was going to marry my stepfather there, a shot gun wedding,
But something went wrong, and they didn't get married in Las Vegas, but ended up getting married back at home
One night in Las Vegas,
Me and my family were sitting outside in the evening, at a strip mall
I think we were waiting for someone to pick us up,
The only other person there was an overweight man sitting on a bench by himself a few yards away from where my family was sitting
I was walking around, exploring my surroundings,
When I noticed this man sitting by himself
I thought that he looked lonely,
So I sat next to him and started talking to him, asking him how he was,
My mom saw me and yelled at me,
Pulling me away and reprimanding me for talking to strangers
I didn't understand why she couldn't see that I was just trying to be kind to a man that appeared to be lonely

I remember another time,
In 12th grade, I went to a concert with my boyfriend back then,
I was high on a hallucinogenic
It was a Nero concert in Manhattan
I went to the bathroom, waited on a long line,
When I finally got in I saw that there was a side room in the bathroom with plether couches covered in endless puke
A woman who looked a lot older than the majority of people at the concert,
Probably in her 30s
Fell on the floor and hit her skull so hard I heard it hit the ground
While the girls in front of me, white girls who were probably sorority girls, pointed their fingers at her, laughing to themselves
Took out a digital camera and started to record her
I got off the line to the bathroom to help her up,
Of course, right when I did this, those girls came to their senses and got in touch with their rarely used empathy
I took her to the room with puke covered couches to tend to this tall, sad woman
I asked her what she was on,
Shrooms
And probably tons of liquor
I asked her if she was okay, how did she feel?
I walked out of the bathroom with her,
Where my boyfriend was waiting for me
Next to him was this blonde ****
She walked to him
I asked him who the hell he was
He was so smug it made me sick
He looked way too young to be with her,
But this woman reassured me that she was with him
My boyfriend discouraged me from starting a fight with this smug loser
I just wanted to punch all of the haughtiness out of him
But all I could do was I look sadly on
As I saw this strange tall woman,
Too inebriated to stand
Walked away with this evil hearted man

The whole world is a circus
We're told to spend all our money on college,
That that will make us good humans
We judge people by so much criteria that isn't even important
We waste all our money on college degrees and then end up working minimum wage jobs anyway
We overlook the poor and suffering,
Because it doesn't advance us in our self progression in any way
We are such a ******* self centered nation,
It makes me ******* sick,
We're so disrespectful, unempathetic, uncaring, unloving, cruel
We don't have God
We rely only on ourselves
God is love
But who are we, without God?
Savage, cruel, hungry souls
Ready to devour any helpless soul that appears to be weaker than us
So we can pummel them
And destroy them,
In an attempt to steal the little life they have left in them to revive our hearts of coal
This is the world I live in,
I'm not going to try to pretend cruelty isn't real and prevalent
I am in this world, but not from it
And oneday I will go home,
To Love, to God,
Away from all this craziness of the world that brings pulls at my heart and brings tears to my eyes.

It feels so real,
His touch, his countenance
The thoughts whirring in my mind,
Profound feelings echoing through my spine
Trying to decipher intentions,
Never understanding because my analyzing mind is relentless
Imbuing meaning where there is none
Writing songs inspired by dreams
But when I awake
I realize, none of it is real

The golden moon hangs against the backdrop of a navy sky
I look up to the stars and whisper endless wishes
I believe in God, but sometimes I wonder if He hears me
Hears the plea of a hungry heart
Seeking God's love to fill this endless void

I sit at my window sill,
And close my eyes
I imagine the sky through my 5 year old self's eyes
Jesus said if we're not like the children, we won't enter the kingdom of heaven
So, now I'm trying my best
To get back to that child like state
I know God can heal all the wounds
That come with growing

Right now my dreams are only real in my sleep,
But soon they will be my reality.

Not everyone is a ******...

Not everyone is a ******...

Not everyone is a ******...

D on't assume

O thers intentions

U nless you want to get hurt, you

C an't have everyone like you and treat you well

H owever, you can set boundaries, so not

E veryone can clean their ***** shoes off on your heart.

Step One: Rules do not apply to you. Neither does popular opinion.

Step Two: A type of fearless courage is your badge of honor

Step Three: Get used to the fact that you will not fit in with the majority of the people you meet

Step Four: Cleanse yourself of all previous programming and learn to think for yourself

Step Five: Live

Step Six: Be free

Step Seven: Let go of anything that imposes on your freedom

Step Seven: Live modestly and wisely. Don't attempt to make a public spectacle of yourself by adopting mainstream "rebel" trends like spiky multi colored hair. Rebellion isn't merely changing your appearance, it's a radical internal shift in which you decide to go in the opposite direction of mindless sheeple

Step Eight: Practice love and compassion. Shut your mouth once in awhile and listen. This way you can understand other people and their unique viewpoints

Step Nine: Believe in yourself. Because no one else will believe in you as much as you need

Step Ten: Live as an agent for God and your life of righteous rebellion will be for a good cause. You don't want to be a rebel without a cause now ;)

The sun glitters upon the coy pond
The wind whips softly through the trees
I find myself in places
That people fail to see
I'm overlooked and taken for granted
Like these secret destinations that I explore
Sitting at diner tables in the dark
My coffee is still hot,
Steam rolling up
I cup my frigid hands around the mug,
I lay my face down on the diner table,
Steely cold

I saw myself in a reflection on a passing train,
A deranged face with a malevolent smile in the background
My reflected face a hologram on top of his
NYC subways where the real rats are the people

The hill, it seemed, the hill
Where a tree gave shade
A quiet shade
In the midst of a raucous fair
Cotton candy and corn dog smells wafting in the air
Hormonal teenagers,
Strange setting,
Running in circles, searching, but not finding
Goodbye, deep within his eyes
The song by Smash Mouth as I rode away on my bike,
Smiling

Dark, decomposing chambers
Deep within my being
Going through seasons of death and rebirth
Death and rebirth,
I try to stop the cycle,
I just want to be alive
But the cycle is a wave
Within the ever changing river,
Never set on one course

I had a map once,
I had a plan,
I had a story
I had it all at once, it seemed
I had the grass in the field and laughter with beer and love on weekdays
Yet I always cowered when the subject of the future came up
But I've come to learn that everyday is the future
Setting it's course
On the wild seas of Life.

The writer's life
Consists of looming strife
For a writer's eyes are keen
To the suffering that usually goes unseen

All writers are bearers of truth
Wielding their pens like a scalpel that cuts through
All the **** we tell ourselves
That keeps us in denial

A writer seeks truth incessantly
And eventually comes upon the somewhat ambiguous answer
That all truth originates from Love
How does the writer's analytical mind
Grapple with such a fluid concept?

The writer sees beauty in the invisible
Writes poetry on bathroom stalls
Lives life solely for stories
The writer feels things deeply but doesn't speak them,
But rather scribbles her thoughts fervently in a notebook
The words dancing on the page
As they are released from the tip of the pen
The writer knows, sadly, that even though she writes stories to make people feel less alone
That these people will never truly ever understand her and neither will
She ever be able to fully embody the experience of another human

The writer has wounds that go deeper than you could fathom
When no one was there to turn to,
She picked up a notebook instead and released the toxic emotional build-up in her head
Made art out of her sadness on the page
Through poetic words,
Elusive and enigmatic,
She could tell her story, indirectly
And still set herself free from the ******* of unspoken miseries

The writer's life is a privileged one indeed
For we see things, but don't speak them
But rather transcribe them forever in our memories
Until we find a clean sheet of paper,
And write
Write everything we've seen, heard, tasted, felt, known and intuited
Every struggle and every victory
Meticulously crafted upon the bare canvas
Like a war zone with an abundance of pent up zest
Finally unleashing itself upon the page
So, write, my fellow Writers
Write fearlessly
And our stories will prevail
They will impact even just one person
Who thought they were all alone,
Perhaps like we once felt.

2012 had been warped by the contents of a vile,
A hallucinogenic liquid that I would put on my tongue
And ingest like a good sport
I so very much liked where it would transport me
Far away from any perceivable misery
I floated out of my body
And my circumstances had no emotional pull over me anymore
But the consequences were beyond therapeutic
I transcended so high
That I became disassociated from my body
And corrupt thoughts sprouted in my mind,
Ones that didn't really belong to me
This liquid separated me from my earthly misery but also cut me off from my human empathy

2012 was about being pretty
It was about being the prettiest girl I could be,
Even while wasting away inside
The first thing I would do in the morning was smoke a joint to myself,
Which would trigger a panic attack, something I had not experienced before that time
And then waste nearly an hour painting my face
And never being satisfied with the end result
That year was surrounded by other pretty girls,
Who were callous and self centered
Who frivolously ignored my intense well of sadness,
Exacerbating my wounds by their self absorption
Every time I reached out my hand to my friends for genuine comfort or alleviation
My hand of slapped back down and instead a joint was passed to me, or a bottle of alcohol, or an adderall, or a bottle of robotussin, or a pill of ecstasy or a liquid hallucinogenic in a vile
And I imbibed and imbibed and imbibed
In a desperate attempt to suppress everything
Up until the point where when I looked into the mirror,
I couldn't recognize myself anymore
I felt so detached from everything,
Including myself

Like all extreme ways of escapism,
Everything ended with intense chaos
Hitting rock bottom
Is God's final and loudest wake up call
I literally ended up stranded in the rain oneday,
With no where to go and no one to turn to
So I was just there, in an unfamiliar place
In the pouring rain,
Sobbing profusely
All the anguish pent up in my body decided to release itself all at that very moment
One of my parents had betrayed me yet again
And I would have to pay a heavy consequence for their lies, for their incessant blame of me for everything wrong in their life
I would have to pay that price for a whole year following
I don't like to think that all things are God's will and that bad things happen for a reason,
But I can't help feeling like all the chaos that led to my wake up call were so integral to me becoming clean,
Because I just know that if I went another year the way I was living I was going to die

The chaos in our lives, the unwanted discord we so desperately try to escape
Is a catalyst to the realization of our true self
Chaos is like fire that burns away all things that aren't in alignment with our indisputable truth
I can't help being grateful for everything that didn't go the way I planned,
Because when my plans failed
I came upon an astronomically more fulfilling path that I didn't even know existed because I was so focused on the plan I had created
What if we stepped into the fire, instead of trying to bypass it
What if we allowed it to consume us, the traits that originate from our ego, until all that is left is our essential self
Our simplest and purest form in which we become agents of love and radical reform,
Selfless and humble vessels of God
Renewed by reliance on Him
And not hustling for our self worth by our own means
Each of us, in our unique way, are heroes,
When we own our war story
And share our transformation produced by surrender to God
Saints who are far from perfect
But courageously living out the truth and love God has planted in our hearts.

Pure emotions streaming down my cheeks
Like ruby blood streaming
I'm a volcano erupting
Consumed by rage
And my happiness is disintegrating
For I cannot seem to tame
These uncontainable flames

At night the moon's light washes over me
I get down on my knees and beg
To not be like the ones who scarred me
But with every passing day
I see them in me
In all the thoughtless things I do
I was mistreated and overlooked for so long
That finally it feels so free to just be concerned about me

This story I repeat is destroying me
Sabotaging any hope I have for grace
For as long as I live in the shadows of my tragedies
I will continue to be a helpless victim
To these stories of my past

Every night is a variation of the same dream,
Every day passes by too swiftly
As I lag along, barely living, half asleep
Too tired to live out my latent ambitions,
Confined to my bed living the artist's nightmare of unrealized fantasies
A flower hidden, closed amd clamped within itself
Dying to open, reaching to be free
To break free from the daze that is embedded within me
Where is my childlike joy,
Free of all distress?
How do I let go,
To allow in God's best?

Two hands,
Holding my heart's contradiction
Two hands
Holding separate possibilities
Two hands
Pulling me a part

I once was so sure
I knew which way to go
And I knew who I was
But things changed suddenly
And change has changed my mind
To want another possibility

I'm at a fork in the road
Two paths in which I can travel down
Both equal from my point of view
But each will take me to two places that are worlds apart
Which one will I walk down?
Which life will I choose?
Which way is the path in which I will follow my heart?

I sit at the fork,
And hold my head in my hands
The sun is setting
And I am yet to come up with a plan
There's no way to know
Which of the two will make me happier,
So I'll sit right here,
Until the answer becomes clear.

It comes back in fragments,
Washing up on the shore like pieces of sea glass
I pick each unique piece up individually,
I see that each fragment is in some way a part of me
How could it possibly be,
That I could be so many things
In just one body?

Each piece put together leads to a culmination of sorts
An amalgamation that is the masterpiece of me
The maturation that leads to the finale
I look into the mirror and am so proud
For a jubilant child I once was
But a sad teenager
Then a balanced adult
Adult?

There is something fascinating about this whole life thing
Like looking up to the stars
In an expansive sky,
And I'm breathing while
Looking into another human's eyes
And we're smiling
Life has it's pain
But if it's unbearable, why do the good times make living so worthwhile?

Remnants of glitter nail polish
Stick like war veterans to my finger nails
Un-willing to let go
I'm amused by this analogy and symbolism and everything I can see that I can't quite describe
No, I have no words for the nuances
Maybe, I think,
If I learn more words I'd be understood better
But it's not with words that we primarily communicate
But with tones and expressions and subtleties
Only in observation of intricate details
Are we capable of marvelling at the ingenuity of Creation

And if anyone has ever left you,
Abandoned you
Because they lost their heart along their journey
Fret not,
Do not fear that all your love was for naught
For you are the expansive star child
That is capable of holding so much love within you without bursting,
Combusting or imploding
Each drop of love you put out into this world is never without value
It may fall upon barren land and fail to produce the desired result of untainted love
But it is never your fault when your call and outpouring of love is rejected or ****** up greedily by a poor, self-serving soul
Who will try to use your love for their own selfish gain
But they will fail miserably,
For love cannot be used with malicious intent

These are just some lessons that I've learned, they have grown my soul
Into a limitless, expansive, blossoming rose
Fear not, dear one
You who have weathered countless storms
Your stories will make you stronger
And your soul holds you ever so gently in it's loving arms.

Time and words within that time
And feelings
And cutting away everything that doesn't matter anymore
Trying my best to stay present and tuned in
But always succumbing to my daydreams
Vivid daydreams
Bold pictures and fantasies of what was and what could be

Tears, hot cold tears
Hitting my cheeks hard
But my heart can barely feel the pain
Of the rain draining from my eyes
I sit numb for hours, days, weeks
As people speak to me about their mediocrity
Nagging off my ear with all their trivialities
I nod, un-amused, slowly rotting away
Looking past them into the dimension of my unmet dreams,
The only place I like to be

Decipher, feel, try to become "real"
Disconnected and bored
Reaching for meaning but I always end up empty handed
Reaching too much, reaching too far...
When was the last time I was happy? Purely happy without an agenda?
Childhood.
Adulthood has corrupted me and everyone else around me
Peter Pan, let me be your Wendy.

Exhale on three,
While soaking in the summer breeze
Finally, I find my mind and body at ease
And within my chest my heart beats with cheer
I feel fine, happy, content just right here

Everything swiftly falling into place
Look at this smiling face reflecting back at me,
I look into my eyes and I see
The tension is no longer lurking in the creases,
It's been released
I've been freed from the stresses that had once stricken me,
I'm calmer, like the bottom of the ocean,
Steady and still.

Summer has a mysterious way of bringing me relief,
Maybe it's all that vitamin D
From the sun burns I get with my porcelain skin
Summer reminds me of all the good times of being a kid
It just makes me so happy to live

Summer's relief is the antidote to my grief,
Taking my bouts of disbelief
And disproving my agony with sprouting lush life surrounding me,
Confounding me
Filling my heart with awe
For how much beauty is here
On this gorgeous Earth,
Spinning in air.

A coy fish necklace sits atop my collarbone
A symbol of growth
For the coy fish's growth is in proportion to the size of it's dwellings
The bigger the pond, the bigger it will grow

I live in a self created world imbued and marinating in meaning
Symbols with stories and so much significance
Objects being personified by the experiences in which the object accompanied me
These symbols both tangible and intangible,
With body and without body,
Are extensions of me
Like arms protruding from my sides,
Deeming me a Hindu goddess

It's getting harder to deny the interconnectedness of everything
And how I am simultaneously in shock and in awe
Of this chaotic masterpiece like a James Pollack piece,
Called life
So simple, yet erratic, untimely, unpredictable,
Enigmatic, glorious, timeless and bursting at the seems with profuse possibility
So brutal and beautiful, I must concur.

And what is it all without meaning,
Why awake another day to a dull definition of self and purpose
When you can fabricate a magical tale of wonders
In which you are the Heroine?

Boy meet girl,
Girl meets boy,
That's how it goes
With utmost certainty
She a beauty, that's for sure
And he's the one dazzling star
That fills up her sky
Their eyes meet
And in those swift seconds
It cannot be denied
That the love that flows between them
Is silent but ever so real

They take things slowly, a little too slow
Because they have both been burned before,
Deluded and parched from unrequited love
They share obvious smiles and subtles signs
Just to pass the time
Because they're both not quite ready to jump in,
Sometimes they worry if they're wasting their time,
But God reassures them that their patience will eventually culminate into the love they wish for,
The love they so dearly deserve

They have sweet dreams of each others smiling faces
It's the small things that start to matter most to them,
People ask: how can you know he likes you?
Maybe it's the curve of his smile that tells me,
The sparkle in his eyes,
Or the kindness that flows through him and touches my heart
Maybe it's in the way he says my name
Or how sometimes he just looks at me, for a split second,
Without words, looking like he's trying to say something but is rendered speechless
Or when he walks in the room and meets my eyes with his first,
Or how when he says goodbye to us friends he looks into my eyes and smiles...
And I smile back
It's just the little things, see?
We're not making out, fondling each other or whispering sweet and redundant nothings in each other's ears
We are reveling in the subtleties
Soaking in every little clue with such intense joy
Treasuring every small step towards our goal:
The true love our hearts long for.

So fickle, us humans are
Running through mazes made by our hearts
Explaining with our minds what once eluded us
Right when we seem to arrive at an ultimate conclusion,
Yet again, we are struck by confusion

The mind has silly loops and trivial rationalizations
We think we know what is well for us and define ourselves with good terms like "smart" and "well-adjusted", "responsible", "successful", maybe even "beautiful" or "dapper" if we're feeling especially confident
But we will never be able to observe ourselves without bias,
And even those who are able to observe our strengths and vices still aren't able to escape the lense of their unique and ingrained bias

So what other way is their to say it,
But that we are merely rats stuck in a maze
Trying to transcend the mediocrity of the maze with reason, or imbue it with meaning, or rely on a religious agenda that promises to save humankind from the vexation of the maze
For we have a flickering inkling, an intuition that has no words
That life was meant to be lived outside of the maze,
Free from it's rigorous and soul draining expectations.

Angels come in a variety of ways
When life is cold and stark
And you can't seem figure out where to turn
The ones you thought loved you burn you instead of lift you up
And you end up feeling misunderstood and hurt,
With no where to turn

But God doesn't give up so easily, you see
He won't allow you to believe your misery for too long
For God will flood your life with angels in disguise
Who fill up your darkness with blinding light
From such love you won't be able to escape
For you cannot run away from God's grace

It comes down like a tidal wave
This overwhelming love I can't explain
It gives me an over-abundant bounty to be grateful for,
How could I be so blessed?
And how could I ever deny God and the realness of his love?
I just thank the people,
These angels on earth,
Who surrender their hearts to God
So that they can become vessels of his unconditional love,
Touching and transforming each person they come in contact with,
As the love of God that is coursing through their veins,
Gets transfused into the person who needs it so desperately.

If you gotta dream, show me
Reveal it to the world
And own it
If you gotta passion,
Disown your inaction
And make a habit of climbing the steep hill of your goals,
Or else dissatisfaction will echo in your soul

Go after your dreams fearlessly,
You've got all the potential you need,
Just find the why for the motivation you lack,
Conjure the reasons why you've laid low and cut yourself slack,
Well, you can't hide behind excuses no more,
Because you're a dazzling star and you're too bright to hide behind confining bars

You think you're a nobody?
Too scared to show your true colors?
Hey, you better get out there on that red carpet and like a peacock flaunt all your magnificent beauty,
And not even for a moment doubt yourself
Or listen to the chickens cluck **** about you on the sidelines
You've got a dream
Stop hiding it under your bed
And make it into your reality
You ain't think life got magic,
But it's full of meaning
Once you awaken from your brain dead anxiety
Because you worry too much of what people think of you
Your heart will come alive, beating with all the colors of the rainbow and the music you love will revive you,
I speak from experience,
Stop letting your fears hold you back,
Because they are just lies
No one is gonna believe in your dream as much as you do,
Not until you accomplish what you dream of, when you get there then they'll believe you
What else have you got to live for
But your dream!
It's your purpose
And it's your responsibility
To make your dream a reality
Not until then will you be able to see
The magic that both surrounds us and lives inside of you and me.

Oh sweet saccharine child
I feel your love from miles and miles
How could words ever express
Your bold golden orange decadence?

How long had my soul cried out in agony
Wasting away in it's misery
Until a soft feather like hand of an angel
Wiped my tears away
And gave me hope of a better day

Oh, twisted world in which I live
My perception is dark and hurting
You've stolen my rainbows and my butterflies,
Bumblebees and hummingbirds
But I've got faith enough for the rest of us...
I live on.

You reckless sunflower child
Whipping wildly in the wind
Your fagrance is the essence to my soul
Your song is sung and I find myself on the moon
You're a fiery abyss of passion,
Living fervently on the sun's edge
You're an iridescent wave, bathing me in unconditional love
A butterfly bursting out of cocoon
Leaving the nest of certainty
Fly! Fly high and far away
Heaven's angels have been awaiting your departure from the familiar
You are free now, to rediscover who you are meant to be
Wild sunflower, uproot yourself
And fly along the breeze
You will seed the earth beneath you
A whole world of growth will come from this defeat
Just let go, and grab your wings and lose your feet.

Why?* is all I can manage from my lips
I don't understand this life
It's like some sort of cruel game
You think you know where you're going
But then everything gets taken away

All I ever wanted was certainty
Before I give my heart away
Because I've loved before and
I loved hard
But the ones I had loved left my bleeding heart dying on the floor

I can never quite express accurately
In love my heart races and my mind scatters, incoherently
I've got so much suppressed I say you've got to be kidding me
All I want is authenticity
But I'm so scared to be the real me

All I can see is me repeating the same cycles relentlessly
Love is the drug I shoot in my veins
To relieve all the suppressed pain
But it's all in vain
Because when I finally wake up from the daze
I realize the love I clung on to for my very life was shallow and blind
For the love that I put on a pedestal
Is revealed
No longer can infatuation conceal
The demons of the object of my affection
My head now is in a daze,
My life is in upheaval and needs correction
I sit here on a naked floor
Like lava the floor swallows me alive
As I witness the dream I dreamt of love
Disintegrate
Turned to ash
Right in my very hands
I smother the ashes on my face
As I wipe away the tears
Of another love gone asunder
Fake love,
Okay, I said it
Fake love.

These tears are like spears to my heart
My mind is so numb
Stripped of all it's moisture
I guess I haven't desensitized myself enough
I tried to never feel again
I almost succeeded
And yet a tactless mouth uttered not well thought out words
And now they're all tucked in their bed
Dreaming of their unmet fantasies
While I'm here
Trying desperately to console myself without numbing
All the while crying these burning tears
Where's the empathy? I ask
But I guess they've never felt this amount of pain
I had held it down for so long
But it reemerged,
And in my eyes comes the unceasing rain.

My heart is a swing
Swinging to conclusions
My mind is a pendulum
Going back and forth, me never making up my mind

Vacillation is a part of my anatomy
It's the chaos that thrills me

And yet I feel so safe
In the womb of certainty.