What exactly does closure feel like?
I'm not really sure because
the days I felt my first heartache
like a bullet to my chest
I cried for a week straight then got over it-
I had so many friends, I never cared to love again.
I was never really sure how to close the open door
the day my grandma died my mind went blank.
So I drank away the pain until the images
of her cancer ridden body faded away.
How do you cope when at the same time
you see your grandmother die
you remember these horrors
from your childhood of someone ripping away
your innocence.
I haven't been the same since.
So now what's left?
I have left the one I love
with a heavy heart
and no closure to console me.
I just feel as if I am drifting
slowly and without a lifeboat
no paddle in merky waters
with a windstorm that won't quit.
But I feel at peace
like the calm before the storm
that realizes it will be sunny one day again soon.
So how will closure console this empty soul?
I've never really felt that feeling before.
Closure is a ******* step child to me-
just an extra sock that can't find a match.
A newly lit match burning out too fast
never to be used again.
A bowl filled with resin
when all you need is one ******* hit.
Closure is a seesaw with no one at the other end to help-
you're on your own adventure
and you only venture from the usual path.
It's a road you walk alone-
barefoot upon rocks that have been shaped from struggle.
Closure is the progression into solitude.
So how do I get closure from you?
How do these hands feel okay again
not holding on to yours-
how does my bed feel whole again
without you next to me.
I'm not sure quite yet-
but one day I will see.
Closure is an empty room
before a dance recital
it's a preconcert soundcheck
and everyday anxiety.
The nights are worse than the days
and I've come to grips with feeling this way.
I hope one day to feel okay.
I know one day I will feel okay-
because today, I feel pretty okay.

Another night
To do some harm
Another club stamp
On her arm.

*****, whiskey,
Rock n roll
Lets the music
Fill her soul.

Knows all the bands
Heard every song
Hits every club
But doesn't belong.

She'll drink to pass
Another day
And rock to keep
The pain at bay.

Ran from a mistake
Then made some more
Got lost, but failure
Still found her door.

But there's VIP rooms
Drugs and ***
She'll distract the singer
Between sets.

Doesn't dwell
Can't go back
Mix ecstacy
With old regret.

Keep your distance
To not get hurt
Try it all
Go beserk.

'Cause mistakes won't find you
In a bar
Where no one knows
Who you are.

One Friday night
It starts to rain
A syringe sticks out
From her vein.

The party's pumpin'
Soundcheck done
The crowd's all here
Well, all but one.

The alley's cold
And so is she
******'s latest
Legacy.

Will anyone ask
"Where's whats-er-name?"
Will someone notice
She died of shame?

i guess my whole life runs on these feedback loops, constantly dependent on the words i receive from you. everything good you've ever said to me rings softly in my head like my grandmother's wind chimes. your insults are alarms beside my bed.

i wish i was deaf. deaf to your loves and dislikes, the way your eyes look before i change myself to fit your type. maybe this one i'll get right. another half second and we're there, i am everything you want me to be; nothing more and nothing deep, the words that spill from my teeth fall right off me. i claim my memory has always been this bad and it's not a lie, but the truth is i can't remember what's real because i'm lying all the time.

but you know this already, you see me, you recognize the flaws in other people so clearly that even the reflection of personified perfection gave you displeasure.

i'm sorry i made myself into someone you dislike.
i don't know how to unmake myself.

i loved you
how i adored you
following you from city to city

it all nearly killed me

i moved through those mesmerized crowds
as a roaming shadow on the back wall
something to throw your voice against,
your life upon

the lyric predictably failed between us
long before
the music died


my heart instead
allowed to wander inside deaf applause.









































\\\\\\

t­he music ended
the lyric failed

i was everything but the applause