I feel blah
It wasn't until going to get
My hair cut this morning
That I didn't eat for 24 hours

I feel blah
It wasn't until after that
I realized I didn't smile
Yet this day

I feel blah
I did my laundry today
But laid in bed most
Of the day

I feel blah
My class is going out to
Grab drinks and have fun
But I'm hiding in my room

I feel blah

When I just want to feel

I'll keep writing till the end
Wether it's therapy or not
Wether it's helping
Or making me go mad

I'll write

I'll put my mind on display
Let you see into the darkness
And maybe just maybe
You will see the light

The light that has been hidden
For so long, that shrunk
Over the years and trauma
It's still there I hope

I'll keep writing until I find
The light again to warm me

Until that day I invite you
To take this journey through
The darkness in my mind

With every break up
I went to my friends
Talking, hanging out
Getting me out of my funk

I started to feel like I was
Taking to much out of
The friendships I had
Then last month happened

And I broke

Now Everytime I go to them
In the mists of my panic attacks
When I barely move out of bed
Or cry reading posts that hit way to hard

I feel like a burden they didn't sign up for
And put myself right back down
Hiding from my problems
So I don't become to much of a burden

I spiraled during the day hard
First writing, then reading
Then talking to mama bear

Feeling down after writing
Bringing on fight or flight first
Thing in the morning
Finally breaking down crying

Trying to keep my head over the waves
But with only a small light in the dark
It's hard to see the future but with
Yesterday and the days before

How do I unstuck from that moment?

This fatigue is drowning me
Everyday I try to start the day
Physically mentally emotionally
Drained when I open my eyes

It's slowly pulling me down
Sinking into the water
I try to swim to reach the edge
Caffeine, writing, nicotine

Nothing seems to work
All I see is the dark depths
Surrounding me

Can I reach the top?

Or will I sink to the bottom?

It's been hard.
I've always been on the other end supporting my friends
Being there for them
Now i feel broke

I've been having panic attacks at the mention of certain things
My heads a mess
I keep being told it's not my fault

But

Everytime i hear it
I say it in my head
I break down
trying not to lose it crying

They say it's normal
This isn't normal for me

So what am I now?