after months of darkness
i take little pills of light

i don't know who i am
anymore
without the sadness
without the shadows
without the dreams of death

i am ordinary
and i'm not sure
how to deal with that

maybe it's bad like they say,
to base my opinion of my body
on the opinions of another

but

i hate myself
and he likes me
so for now
i'll believe him

i wonder if you realize
that the only way
i can sleep
is by imagining
you
underneath my head
or
curled around me
?
but all i have
is a cold pillow
and an imagination;
a poor substitute
.

I want you to come over and watch movies with me, and I wanna force you to watch Nightmare Before Christmas and listen to me sing all the songs, and I wanna drink too much mountain dew and order pizza and get half Canadian bacon *** you’re gross like that, and stay up until 2am, I wanna crawl into bed with you and listen to your heartbeat and breath as my lullaby, I wanna kick you in the middle of the night,  I wanna wake up all tangled in the sheets and your limbs, and I wanna breathe my morning dragon-breath into your face. I wanna complain when you say it’s time to get up, and hide in your neck. I wanna make you pancakes and eggs for breakfast.

I want you to kiss me until I’m breathless
I want to go four-wheeling with you, racing each other around
I want to make cookies with you and feed you cookie dough
I want to cuddle with you all day under an alarming amount of blankets and watch American Horror Story and Adventure Time and Bravest Warriors
I want you to lay down on my bed with your shirt off, all sprawled out, so I can really appreciate your body
I want to see how soft the skin on your belly is
I want to see what your collarbones taste like
I want to eat icecream with you, and I want to clean off all the ice cream on your lips…with my mouth
I want to kiss all over your chest and stomach
I want to kiss those little back dimples…the little dimples on either side of the base of your spine
I want to just hang out with you on a Mountain Dew fueled craze; you playing GTA5, me on tumblr until the wee hours of the morning
I want to fall asleep in your arms; for once, completely relaxed while touching someone else while I sleep. To be able to wake up again, in your bed, to see your sleepy face and sleepy voice

Would it make you happy if I had perfect grades?
Would you be happy if I wasn't so disgustingly skinny?
Would you be happy if I didn't have a boyfriend?
Maybe it would make you happy if I never ever disobeyed you?
Would it make you happy if didn't have anxiety?
Would you be happy if I had a ton of friends?
Maybe you'd be happy if I wore pink and skirts instead of black and skinny jeans?

If I was perfect, maybe you'd be happy, maybe you'd love me then.