after months of darkness
i take little pills of light

i don't know who i am
anymore
without the sadness
without the shadows
without the dreams of death

i am ordinary
and i'm not sure
how to deal with that

maybe it's bad like they say,
to base my opinion of my body
on the opinions of another

but

i hate myself
and he likes me
so for now
i'll believe him

i wonder if you realize
that the only way
i can sleep
is by imagining
you
underneath my head
or
curled around me
?
but all i have
is a cold pillow
and an imagination;
a poor substitute
.

I want you to come over and watch movies with me, and I wanna force you to watch Nightmare Before Christmas and listen to me sing all the songs, and I wanna drink too much mountain dew and order pizza and get half Canadian bacon *** you’re gross like that, and stay up until 2am, I wanna crawl into bed with you and listen to your heartbeat and breath as my lullaby, I wanna kick you in the middle of the night,  I wanna wake up all tangled in the sheets and your limbs, and I wanna breathe my morning dragon-breath into your face. I wanna complain when you say it’s time to get up, and hide in your neck. I wanna make you pancakes and eggs for breakfast.

I want you to kiss me until I’m breathless
I want to go four-wheeling with you, racing each other around
I want to make cookies with you and feed you cookie dough
I want to cuddle with you all day under an alarming amount of blankets and watch American Horror Story and Adventure Time and Bravest Warriors
I want you to lay down on my bed with your shirt off, all sprawled out, so I can really appreciate your body
I want to see how soft the skin on your belly is
I want to see what your collarbones taste like
I want to eat icecream with you, and I want to clean off all the ice cream on your lips…with my mouth
I want to kiss all over your chest and stomach
I want to kiss those little back dimples…the little dimples on either side of the base of your spine
I want to just hang out with you on a Mountain Dew fueled craze; you playing GTA5, me on tumblr until the wee hours of the morning
I want to fall asleep in your arms; for once, completely relaxed while touching someone else while I sleep. To be able to wake up again, in your bed, to see your sleepy face and sleepy voice

Would it make you happy if I had perfect grades?
Would you be happy if I wasn't so disgustingly skinny?
Would you be happy if I didn't have a boyfriend?
Maybe it would make you happy if I never ever disobeyed you?
Would it make you happy if didn't have anxiety?
Would you be happy if I had a ton of friends?
Maybe you'd be happy if I wore pink and skirts instead of black and skinny jeans?

If I was perfect, maybe you'd be happy, maybe you'd love me then.

Do you remember?

Do you remember, the day you came over to Sh-'s house?
I was staying over at her house, and I had given you a note that Friday,
explaining about my anxiety and how I live in constant fear of rejection
and being left. You warned us you were coming over, and we did our make up
in a few minutes, not wanting to be seen without. (not that I really put a lot on)
You came over, and we sat on her driveway and talked about everything and nothing,
like always. You were laying on your stomach and Sh- had her legs crossed, feet resting on your
****, and you had your head in my lap, and you two were talking, and I was running my fingers
through your hair, like always and you would shift slightly every now and then to give me better access.
We were eating Lemon Heads, passing them around, one of the five boxes you bought me for my birthday, along with that two liter of Mountain Dew.
Then we were standing up because Sh- mom was saying that you should go, that we would be eating dinner, and you stayed for a while longer, constantly hugging me and I thought that maybe you were nervous and I couldn't figure out why. Then you were hugging me again, my back pressed against Sh-'s mom's Honda van and then you leaned back slightly and suddenly your lips were moving softly and gently against mine, and I was startled and ecstatic and elated and exhilarated and so, so happy, but then too quickly, it was over, and distantly I could hear Sh- shouting "OH GOD, ARE YOU KISSING?!" And you mumbled "What, no." I was still stunned, but I laughed at Sh-, constantly trying to get us to kiss, but grossed out when it happened. I pulled you in for a tight hug, trying to say thank you.

Do you remember?

Do you remember the next Wednesday? Sh- was teasing me all day,
telling me: "I know something you don't know!" And I thought-
I thought that maybe, just maybe I knew what she was talking about,
but I was afraid I was wrong, so I didn't say anything.
I nearly died from anticipation by 7th period.
I walked over to where you were standing with Sh- and I talked to you
for a second then went on to my locker and I saw Sh- shove you towards me
and we talked and my hands were shaking ever so slightly because of what
I though you might do and we walked through the band room to get my
violin and we walked out and you stepped down off that weird concrete platform and
I stood on top so your head was mid-chest level with me and you said those simple words I wanted to hear so badly.
"Will you, uh, go out with me?"
I smiled so wide and said yes, of course and I hugged you and then I had to tease you and ask; what did you think I'd say, no? And we smiled and walked over to Sh-
and her mom gave me thumbs up through the van window and I blushed and you walked me to my bus.

Do you remember?

Do you remember talking for hours on end, until I was nearly falling asleep at the computer?
We talked for hours and hours, about anything and everything and nothing.
We talked until late, or early, however you want to put it, and I would tell you that I was gonna go,
but we would keep talking anyways and I would keep saying I was gonna go.
We would talk about everything from your friends, to my hypoglycemia, to religion, to superheros.
We only stopped talking for sleep (eventually), showers and when I went to the movies.
And then there was the incident.
We were talking about how, in middle school, when I had to switch schools, I felt very alone.
Then, you said to me:
"I hope you know I've never done this before, and I hope you know you're not alone.",
an indirect quote from Repeating Apologies by Of Mice & Men.
And I couldn't help it. The boy I liked so, so much, telling me such sweet things, when I did feel alone
and I started crying. I made a post on my blog, and then I remembered too late that you followed me
and I told you not to read it, but you read the post anyway and after I left to sleep finally, you told me
that you wanted to give me a hug, and when I read that later, I kind of wanted to cry again, knowing that you cared.

Do you remember?

Do you remember hanging out during the clinic?
We all got on the bus, heading to the clinic. K- and G- tried to make me sit next to you,
filling my seat with violins, trying to force me to sit next to you, but I resisted,
so embarrassed. I listened to my mp3player and talked to K- and G- and Sa- and J-. K- and I played punch-buggy and she got me way more times than I did. You and I  more or less ignored each other. We didn't talk for a while, until there was a break.
I don't remember how or why, but you ended up with one of my earphones,
and we were listening to my music, (thank god we like the same stuff)
and K- and G- came over and invited us to that elementary school game,
where you get in a close circle and grab hands with two people and try to untangle everyone without
un-clasping hands. I just grabbed two people's hands but K- and G- forced me to grab your hands
and I'm sure I was blushing.
Fast forward a while, 'til we were breaking again, all of us from P- High School huddled in a corner,
K- made me sit next to you, elbow to elbow, thigh to thigh. She was sitting half on my legs and you were telling me about the time that Br- ate your pizza and why you wouldn't give him any of your
Mountain Dew that you had in your backpack. You showed me the seven cans you had and the
power strip you brought to charge phones. Then you gave me a Mountain Dew and we talked,
and I was showing you the video that I always hoped no one saw me watching because of how
creepy it is, and we walked to the auditorium and
my heart was running a million miles a minute and my hands were shaking as we talked
and we sat together in the auditorium, listening to our Zune's and you were telling me about
how you had several seasons of Adventure Time on yours and then we watched
"Burning Low", the episode where Finn is going out with Flame Princess and it was so cute
but then G- ruined it by coming over and pulling out your earphone and watching the video for a few seconds. But he went away and we talked for so long and you made me laugh so loud that Ms. R-
shushed me.
Eventually we went to lunch and I didn't really eat because of my hypoglycemia and we talked forever over pizza and Mountain Dew.
Skip forward a few hours, going home on the bus, sitting side by side, singing along to songs, until we got back to the school, hanging out until our respective adults picked us up.
You and I were last, listening to my Zune, and I was standing on the feet of the piano, so we were closer
in height and I was petting your hair (the first time of what will be many) and we went outside to wait, listening to Caraphernelia as my aunt pulled up, deciding to "punish" me for not calling in time,
yelling out her car window that my "***** looked bigger." I glared and yelled that I didn't think my band-mate really needed to hear that and she laughed and I waved goodbye to you.
Not long later, Sh- called and we were talking and she said that
you said that you definitely liked me.
One of the happiest moments of my life, until then.

Do you remember?

Do you remember the day, when Sh- was messaging you,
teasing you, telling you that she knew you liked you?
I sat on the phone with her, freaking out as you replied:
"Yeah. I think I know who."
And she asked  if you liked the person who liked you
and you didn't answer for a long time,
and I was freaking out but eventually you said maybe,
that you felt a kind of connection.
And then Sh- asked who you were talking about, trying to figure out
if you were talking about me, or some other girl.
First you sent an S, then a D, and Sh- was sure you were talking about me,
but, ever insecure, I still wasn't. "It could mean Samantha Davis or something!"
I yelled at Sh-. But you kept sending letters of my name until I knew
that you knew that I liked you.
I was still scared, knowing the next day, I would have to be with you all day
at the Orchestra clinic, knowing I would be blushing non-stop.

There are two sides of me, fighting recently.

One half wants me to scream at him, "Obviously, you don't even care enough to spare time to hang out with me, maybe we should just break up."

But, I want his response to be: "I'm so sorry, it's okay, please don't leave me, I'm just busy, let's hang out as soon as you can."

The other half of me is sitting the corner, curled up in a ball, terrified that, instead, he will say "You're right; this isn't working. I'm sorry, but we need to break up."

Nothing makes me angrier
than when people tell me not to worry.
Oh! Of course! Just because you told me not to,
all of my anxiety has disappeared!
Just like that, you "fixed" me!
How many times will I have to say,
It. Doesn't. Work. Like. That.
You've never had a boyfriend before
and have a huge crush on this guy?
Don't worry! Just ask him out, of course he likes you.
(Why would he, no one ever has before,
if he likes me why won't he ask me out)
This is your first boyfriend and you've
never kissed anybody before?
Don't worry! It's easy, all you have to do
is lean up and kiss him!
(Oh god, I want to, but it doesn't work like
that, I freeze up and smile awkwardly and
the moment passes)
You haven't seen your boyfriend in two weeks
and haven't had one real conversation in that time?
Don't worry! He is just a horrible texter.
(He wasn't always, something must be wrong,
he must want to break up with me,
maybe he's too chicken to do it himself and
wants me to break up with him)

Don't worry!