Tell me why?
   when I have any down time
       my mind drifts towards
         thoughts of
     you...
I need to work...
I'm determined to work...
But you are such a sweet
    distraction.
Your voice echos throughout
    my fantasies.
It becomes difficult to
   separate fact from
       imagination.
It is as if
   you haunt my every waking
       moment.
Time slows to a grueling pace.
     If only you were here.

Its standing outside the candy store-
    not a penny to your name.
       Watching others indulge
           in glutinous delights.
Or waiting to be picked-
    while choosing sides
        knowing you are the odd number
            therefore well left behind.
Its the Martin novel
       each time one of your friends die.
Gatsby's  heroic yet untimely demise....
Unrequited quests
     Captain Ahabs whale
           Don Quixote’s windmills.
The albatross within my soul
Knowing there is no bridge
for the chasm
between you
and me!

What is left
  after the pain is gone?
When there is nothing to feed
   the anger
      the depression
         the fear....
Will the soul wither
   and die?
That was my fear...
     But that is not the way of life.
The great love of my life
   has died....
but many great loves are left
   Handsome sons
      grandchildren
         weddings in exotic places
goofy dogs.
My home, all mine
     eclectic and clean.
And I have me.
       ~for the first time in my life -
I love me!

When you see that middle aged woman-
abandoned by death or divorce....
Save your pity!
Her children may be grown
successful on their own
their absence is her success....
She can have a quiet dinner alone...
no complaints
no demands
no sacrifices
just the way she likes it....
Movies of her choice -
no compromise...
paintings of Captain America
can now hang upon her bedroom wall...
the music that blasts
are among her favorites...
bringing quiet reminiscences
of loves long gone
dreams
some realized
some forgotten...
For the first time in her life -
She is on a unique journey
learning to love and care
for only
herself....

My father, his troop
left in the jungle - WWII
to build the Burma Trail.
I have vivid memories
of him waking from a dead sleep
startled, in a cold sweat
memories of the 5 years
in that jungle
tormenting his dreams
years later.
My eldest,
18 months, Camp Cooke, Iraq.
Riding shot-gun on convoys....
My hair turned white.
His response -
      "I was safer in Baghdad,
           than in Compton...."
Second son
       -5 years in the Navy.
All sacrificed for the safety
     of others.
None lived a life
free of discrimination
    ... hatred
     ....unfair and unjust
          ... identified as hyphenated....
laws designed to imprison...
Never accepted as
human or even
just plain
American.

He seemed like a nice guy
misunderstood,
sad story.
Six figure career
He just wants someone to love...
Ex-wife's a *****-
at least that what he says
    and you want to believe him...
What he won't tell you is
that ex made it possible
for his advanced degrees.
How she put her goals aside
to further his...
How he befriended her sons
now denying his responsibility...
Nor the time he smashed
her glasses into her face
while she was comforting their
two month old son...
The years he inflicted abuse,
verbal - because she swore
the next time he raised his fist,
would be his last....
       and he believed her.
Moving her away from her family
chasing away her friends
He blames her for the alienation of their son-
Yet he won't tell you why, at 18 that son still
wants nothing to do with him....
He's such a nice guy
misunderstood
You're sure
he will treat
you better...
beware!

Another every day,
feed the dogs
go to work
return home.
Paint, video gaming
return emails...
Another everyday.
Remember to eat
do laundry
shop for food (you don't eat)
Another everyday.
Hide behind the smile
Be polite to strangers
professional at work
Another everyday of denying the pain
caused by the hole only you can fill.
Deny the longing
Deny how much I miss
your smile
your touch
The very smell of you.
Just another everyday
...without you!

.around my life turn
you only because backwards
written is poem This

I didn't wake up one morning
     make a conscious choice
             to be a *****....
First -
I gave my heart
      It was used to clean excrement from your rear....
I ventured so far as to trust
     Your knives are still in my back....
I was kind
     you interpreted weakness....
I cared
      totally unappreciated
I empathized
      your need became insatiable....
After 20 years I finally said
    **** it....
Naturally,
       I'm the *****....
No my dear
        I simply act like you!

Anyone with a heart
    has had it shattered
     with the tragedies of this past week.
Remember!
   Being hated is not
      a free pass to hate in return!
Being hated is
    a reminder how precious love truly is....
It is also
     our civic responsibility to never hate in like....
I know
   I've been Black
       and hated for my accident of birth
            for over 60 years
Don't let the hateful win
love....

When a beloved hurts you
   it burns, stings - throbs
            like an open wound.
But when the beloved apologizes-
   Pain subsides
          hurt is forgotten
and forgiveness
     flows a easily as the tears
            of joy you shed.

You are my person
The one without hesitation I
      place myself
            between you
               and the edge....
You have been
   an ever present fixture
      for so many years....
You are my rock
     my security
        the citadel to which I run...
My life, without you in it
    is bereft,
        bleak
            unyielding...
Loosing you can only be likened
      to ripping off my hand
             removing chains of *******...
Yet that is the pain I will endure
   should you ever believe
      I would choose you
over any one of my sons!
Never
     demand
          I choose -
               you
                     loose....

I saw you today,
... we chatted
exchanged meaningless small talk.
I don't know why
I still get butterflies
       you're too short
           losing your hair
and a little chubby around the middle.
Yet you take my breath away.
      I am lost in your gaze.
          mesmerized by your smile.
Your touch sends chills
     to every nerve ending in my body.
I just want to taste you.
     hold you
         wrap myself around you
for hours on end...

If I ran into you today,
I would not have the will power
to resist reaching for your hand.
If you held my hand back
I would move closer for a hug.
If by some stroke of luck
you hugged me back -
I would hold on.
Every second a lifetime.
I would drink in your smell.
I would relish the heat of your body.
I don't think I could resist,
a small kiss on your cheek,
hoping you would turn
ever so slightly so that our lips would brush.
And Oh GOD, if I brushed your lips
I could not stop myself
from greedily tasting the sweetness of your kiss.
I would hold you so tightly,
kiss you so deeply.
While memorizing every sensation.
So that when I am alone at night
I could take refuge in the thoughts
of how badly I long
to have you lying
next to me.

Don't pity the broken doll,
ravished by
time
     pain
           and scars...
Her heart is not unscathed
It too carries
hurt
     wounds
             misery...
Those who judge by what they see
will never know the beauty forged
beneath the broken shell.
Therein lies a heart convinced
     love exists.
The one who isn't a Knight
       devoid of shining armor.
One who too - has survived
       the chaos we call life...
These hearts will meet!
      That is her hope
             That is her dream
Until that day she persists-
      On the strength born of pain...

When you tire of chasing
that dream - out of reach.
When disappointments flow
and friendships - breach.
Tired or lonely
missing that one and only.....
I can't ease your desideratum,
but just for tonight I'll be your adytum.....
(translation:  I may not be the one you want, but for now, I'm the one you need....)

You were my
     knight in shinning armor
At a time when I was
      a very lost girl....
You took me into your light
     protected me
           taught me it is OK to love...
You didn't tell me
      how much love can hurt...
          That lesson was hand on....
And although I ran
    you remain
        in my heart
            and soul
In reflection - I'm grateful
     I carry the good you shared
           always and forever....

From mayhem, chaos and madness-
    I glimpsed a silver lining...
Got off work late,
~changed shifts
          to avoid an insane ex.
The street was empty
Inescapable!
Grabbed from behind-
      forcing me into his car.
         I fight,
            I scream-
I know if He gets me in the car
         I’m dead….
Two in the morning
        Not many around to hear…
A Good Samaritan summoned police.
He was arrested-
       So was I - for disturbing the peace…
The rest was a blur
Confused
     upset
         frightened…
The cell was curiously clean
      very white
         sterile  
            surreal
I was alone
     I felt my soul had been violated …
Through my tears I noticed
       An officer kept walking past
Looking into the small window
     of that cell of confinement…
Two, three maybe six or more passes-
       ‘til he let himself in.
My face was tear stained
     eyes swollen
         Looking very disheveled
Inevitable result - life or death struggle.
Chuck’s voice was low,
And in a strange way – comforting…
I don’t all remember the words
Just the emotion…
“I work with the dregs of society…"
    I knew he was trying to consul me
         but most of what he said
            was lost in the confusion in my mind ....
"... So seldom do I see
Such a beautiful butterfly…”

Chuck leaves… but returns
       With my things
“Let’s go – I’ll get you home safe..”

I was taught to mistrust Whites,
The earlier arrest reinforced that fear-
Yet this tall,
      handsome
           red-head
             Some 25 years my senior
Looked after me-
From that day ‘til I left
The Puget Sound
He protected,
     Safeguarded
         Nurtured
             and loved me!

My existence can be described
       as the fog of war...
So many unknown places
     in the world
         and my mind.  
People wander in and out,
   yet I see only shadows
        specters - haunting and cold.
Until your essence began to emerge
    and with you came
          clarity in the fog.....

I listen to that
     which appeases my soul
Country to rap
      pop to classical-
Music satisfies how I feel
         Not your perception...
                Of what 'they' like.
You see "anger",
       when I express passion.
You say "loud",
       When I express joy
'They' are ignorant-
    yet I hold the credentials of the 2%
You fear
   the strength earned
      while navigating the hostile waters
           you created!
bottom line -
     Look inside you
          for I am not your *cliche!

Where do you find the inner strength-
needed to hold your ground
in the face of rising
opposition?
When every fiber of your being knows
what you do is right and just
and must be faced
alone...
What must be done - is at great cost-
loss of family, employment
respect of some peers
your life?
The paths diverge in polar directions
one safe, secure -the other
wrought with pain and
the unknown...
Crossroads....
    decisions
         trepidation
               and yet -
"The unexamined life is not worth living"  Socrates

House
     domicile
         residence....
Home?  For one....weird.
Ex
     wife
         divorced
OK, that's how I spell relief.....
Mom
      mother
        progenitor
Does it mean the same when all children are gone?
Lost
     adrift
         disoriented....
*Me

If only life
would afford a do over...
I would cut down on
the hours I've worked...
Take more time to appreciate
my sons and
     the stick figures holding hands
           with heart shaped puffs of smoke
               bellowing from the chimney
                    in the picture of our home
                          they drew.
I would learn how to share the pain
      my friends may endure
         keeping in touch
            not letting months go by
               buried in work
                  instead of sharing a glass of wine.
I would know my worth
   not waste precious moments of life
      on worthless relationships....
Go fishing with my father
      Hug him - just because
          Take every opportunity just to say
              I love and appreciate you....
Not waste so much time
          trying to please a mother
              who never wanted me.
I would learn to love me - first.
And when I met you
     all you would see
         is me getting smaller
                as I walked away.....

When I say I am afraid of dying alone,
I am not asking for those I love
to die with me.
I am voicing my pain.
The pain of waking alone.
The emptiness of each day-
surrounded by so many
connecting with none.
Driving home alone
knowing no one will ask how was my day.
Cooking for one.
The overwhelming sadness
in a kitchen that once held so many.
Now reduced to a weekly call (if I'm lucky).
The dreams of growing old with you
Was a nightmare which was well worth burying.
And the chance of finding love at my age,
is exponentially -
inconceivable
   absurd
       improbable
          dubious.
So when I say I will die alone,
I am referring to my everyday
mundane,
routine.
That is slowing draining the life from me.

In the vastness of space
There are stars that choose
to revolve around each other.
We met -
as random as comets passing
our own paths predetermined
unwavering...
or so we thought.
With that first boyish grin
my orbit was revised.
I don't know -
was it my laugh, perhaps my smile?
that drew you in closer
to me.
Maybe it was it gravity,
or magic-
An unknown allurement
that began our
elective affinity?
Call it what you will -
the effect is undeniable...
The energy created between us
filled the air.
pulling us closer...
Coffee?
sure...
Conversation
unending...
your place?
no mine...
You drank whiskey
I prefer wine
You love this song -
        so do I...
Slow dancing ~
melting into a kiss.
Statistical differences
        fade into nothingness....
The warm sensation
of our hands,
      learning the landscape
            of the others body.
Tongues join the exploration.
       Clothes leave the equation.
The energy pulling you
- into me
impossible to resist.
my orbit irrevocably changed -
forever whirling
around
you.

The void
between
half-past heartbreak
and
a quarter to recovery
feels
endless...

The final gift-
    That goes unspoken...
Don't tell me about it MOM!
   But it would be worse
If I left it all up to you four...
   When you open that box
        You need only make a call
All information
    (t)'s  crossed
        (i)'s  dotted
Done!
    pa­id for
        complete.
Don't cry for me - my time is done
Enjoy the Johnny Walker Blue
    Patron (Gran)
        and two bottles of wine I've left for you.
This isn't morbid
     It is a necessity
My final gift of love
    for all of you!

When my child is in pain
I see more than the young man
       desperately trying to find his footing
               as an adult.
I see the baby
   that stayed in the hospital
      while I went home
         until he was better....
I see the little boy
    crying in my car after school
        thanks to the school yard bully...
            I feel the defeat of every game lost....
I see one of only a handful
    I would sacrifice my life for
        without hesitation...
I carry all of their pain
     lost in my reality
        I can't take it away....
I wish they all remained
    3 years old
      when a hug and a kiss
        remedied all their ails...
This pain I know is mine
    I carry it to the grave...
with nothing but faith
     in the fact that
My sons are strong
       and they will
          find their own way.

To borrow from Langston Hughes -
"Life for me ain't been no crystal stair."
A hard life makes one
wary
     skeptical
         apprehensive.
Not to mention, writing leaves me
raw
    exposed
       vulnerable.
So I ran - breakneck speed
    from HP
        from FB
            from life.
Back to the solitude of my hide away
in the country....
     and my own mind.
        never to be heard from again,
             or so I thought.
For the first time in my life
   I may have gotten lucky.
A friend cared enough to point out
    my misstep.
I let fear get the better of me...
    I can't make any guarantees, but
           I will try to be stronger.

You are the brightest
and most talented
I guess the word is gifted
young woman.
If brains were all we needed
to successfully navigate
this world -
I'd have no worries,
for you, my dear -
would have it made.
But it takes more than brains
For happiness,
security
love...
God knows, if I could
wrap up all the goodness
in the world,
I would place it on your doorstep.
The most wondrous present ever!
But I can't.
Your brains will open doors,
afford you many opportunities-
But you must find the courage
within yourself
to take the risk!
Life isn't easy,
well planned
or organized...
It is chaotic.
Twists and turns
Ups and downs
plans that never seem to work out
and yet - they always do...
Maybe not the way we plan-
but they do.
Trust yourself
Love yourself.
Don't look for others
to define who you are.
People will always disappoint-
we are only human...
Simply know I am with you in spirit,
now and forever.
You are a bright spot
in an old heart
who was ever so briefly reminded
of the daughter
I never had....

Painful year,
loss
tears
wishing I were better
praying to experience true forgiveness
fervently yearning for a hug
from anyone who knows... understands...
The stark realization
Am I deserving of comfort?
.... my sins are haunting....
for want of a hug....

The death of a relationship,
is often for the best.
It doesn't feel like that
-at first.
First comes - fear
confusion
anger
hurt.
If there are children
protecting them
from the inevitable fallout...
Rebuilding your life.
Learning to trust.
Avoiding the trap
of stereotyping all
with the characteristics of one.
Not allowing anger
to grow into bitterness.
Yes - the path is new
unknown
but
It does get better
The pain isn't in the future-
you are leaving it in the past.
Celebrate!
And know this
if you don't know anything else-
I am ****** glad
you are gone!

The brightness of the sun
and the clear blue sky
are just as they were
when you said goodbye...
That day - full of hope
and endless possibilities
Shattered as you walked away
leaving me devoid of dignity....
With you went
all I cherish deep inside
An empty hole
where you once reside....
      Pain amplified
            that awful word- goodbye....

As a child
my hiding places were simple-
a closet, under a bed
easily found, never lost.
Now my hiding places
are far more complicated.
I can hide in my books....
I find safety in my books -
so many books that bring me joy.
But no longer do they bring
me solace.
I hide in my office
at home and work.
with doors shut no one looks in,
content to allow me to hide
behind the click, click - click of keyboard strokes.
I hide behind my mask,
carefully made up,
painted on smile,
no one peeks behind
- I can hide my life away....
And often I find myself lost.