I marvel at those
able to maintain faith.
A belief that
    everything happens for a reason
         a greater good.
The hope there are answers
of why...
     a 3 month old baby is ***** and killed,
           a ******* can hide behind a collar.
Why a few grow fat with privilege-
      while children scrounge trash cans for food.
Why so many good people
      contemplate death as an alternative to loneliness....
Is it faith?
    A belief in a higher power?
To we who live the nightmare
      suffering -
         day in -
             day out....
Your faith
      Your belief
           Your meaningless words of comfort
is nothing more than
    magical
        thinking.

Belief  is vital
   to sooth the rough
      survive the insurmountable...
Yet on the days
   when belief has abandoned you
your hope
    Is drowning in despair
faith
  fickle faith
has left you for another...
On those days
    I long for that shoulder
That understanding tone
   from he who knows
I don't need fixing
I need my  rock....
My only prayer for you
is that your rock - is still a part of your life...
(unlike me)

Nameless
    Faceless
       Fearless
          Brave!
the essence of a Renaissance man.
    Reason
      Science
Intellectually inquisitive
    Proof substantiates acceptance.
Caring
    Considerate
        adventuresome lover.
Fiercely pursuing your passion.
    yet allusive
      like trying to capture sunlight in a jar.
The Beast who
    stole my heart.
But will the Beast
     ever share his?

If I ran into you today,
I would not have the will power
to resist reaching for your hand.
If you held my hand back
I would move closer for a hug.
If by some stroke of luck
you hugged me back -
I would hold on.
Every second a lifetime.
I would drink in your smell.
I would relish the heat of your body.
I don't think I could resist,
a small kiss on your cheek,
hoping you would turn
ever so slightly so that our lips would brush.
And Oh GOD, if I brushed your lips
I could not stop myself
from greedily tasting the sweetness of your kiss.
I would hold you so tightly,
kiss you so deeply.
While memorizing every sensation.
So that when I am alone at night
I could take refuge in the thoughts
of how badly I long
to have you lying
next to me.

A girl
whose soul is held together
with spit and string.
Met a boy
whose tendency is to
break things.
Forging a friendship takes
commitment and determination
A desire and a purpose-
More than the casual flirtation
The possibilities abound
perhaps turning two lives around...
Is he worth the risk to go after
or is she headed towards disaster...
Truthfully - he has no challenge and
If he is smart he will walk away-
For she already is far too broken
for anyone to stay...

Old warriors have a lifetime
wins and losses
Scars substantiating each.....
We have lived long enough
to know
when to fight
and when to walk away...

This morning I was greeted
by someone whom I solely miss...
How I have yearned to see her smile!
The sheer simplicity of appreciating the beauty of her lips...
Her face has changed- yes its seen a few 'city miles',
Lines carefully etched by time and experience.
Her eyes, even through the tears
coming to the realization that
what was old is now new.
Without a word I knew I must embrace the past-
accept the unfamiliar.
Although she has loved pretty boys and players
all of whom devoured her charms
leaving only gristle and bone for me...
She now opens her heart and arms - to me.
I looked deeply into a soul that has survived
by the construction of blockades
designed to hide the scars of
Divorces (yes three)
the loss of the unborn
the joy of the born
the loss of a parent
acceptance of all she lacks  (foremost being beauty).
I can remember when she started construction
to keep others at bay.
Walls now crumbling  tattered and frayed
with no motivation to patch or mend...
This woman so strong
(although lacking that certain grace)
offered the world four
strong, intelligent respectful, good men,
fathers and
husbands.
None of which,  intimidated by love.
This woman I am learning to love
discovered the hard way-
how to teach young men independence
-the agony of letting them go.
followed by the malady in the
realization that she will be companionless.
This strange, mysterious, exquisite being-
amazing in all she is and can do...
is opening her world
shattering barriers
Offering something foreign to a wretch like me
-unconditional love
This time I will
embark on this journey across uncharted seas
What she is offering is extremely rare-
for she is me.

It began as
    a low sob
       growing from a whisper
Fueled with
    anger
        anguish
Momentum gained as it added
   the voices of
      heartbreak
        desperation
               fear.
Painful to hear
    the depth of
       an inconsolable hurt.
Can anyone ease
    her screams into the dark?
Hold her?
     Tell her it will be OK?
I wish I could
   I try....
Then comes the stark realization
     The screamer
         is me........

Dismount your high horse-
I've lived in the quagmire you navigate.
Its time for a heart to heart....
There will be times
we disagree
The consequence of two
passionate people colliding ...
Yes - I am afraid-
not of this unconventional
   quirky
     weird
       idiosyncratic relationship
being forged.
I'm afraid of loosing my voice-
  I hear you.... do you hear me?
Listen with your heart
      not your mind or
your training that says take control...
No promises to make
No promises to break...
No one will know~
you dropped your guard
dismounted that horse
Its just you and me.

The death of a relationship,
is often for the best.
It doesn't feel like that
-at first.
First comes - fear
confusion
anger
hurt.
If there are children
protecting them
from the inevitable fallout...
Rebuilding your life.
Learning to trust.
Avoiding the trap
of stereotyping all
with the characteristics of one.
Not allowing anger
to grow into bitterness.
Yes - the path is new
unknown
but
It does get better
The pain isn't in the future-
you are leaving it in the past.
Celebrate!
And know this
if you don't know anything else-
I am ****** glad
you are gone!

My existence can be described
       as the fog of war...
So many unknown places
     in the world
         and my mind.  
People wander in and out,
   yet I see only shadows
        specters - haunting and cold.
Until your essence began to emerge
    and with you came
          clarity in the fog.....

I understand you live in a place and,
unconditional
.....has
.........no
..............meaning...
­I live there too!
A world in which friends
....betray
.........deceive
..............manipulate...
W­here loved ones - love you
......until they don't!
Tranquility is derived from
....solitude
........wariness  
............fear!
An offer of friendship
.....unconditionally
Is foreign
......unreal
.........a trap!
So don't trust my words
....and don't turn away
Let my actions speak-
.......I'm here for you
..........until you say "Leave"
When I'm gone
....you owe me nothing
........I am your friend
...........unconditionally.

I have seen hatred of me
     on the face of total strangers...
I have known
     ...physical
         .....emotional
              .....unendurable abuse and pain.
Each strike ripping my soul
       to shreds.
Yet I have found strength
     amidst broken pieces
Determined to repair
    both heart and soul
Some say~
     "Clearly with Crazy Glue"....
What's wrong with her?
      She laughs
         She dances
             She sings
Oblivious to the grotesqueness
       others firmly believe
            to be all that is she.
Yet my monstrous
   ....malformed
       ....aberrant
           tortured essence~
Still finds the compassion
     to offer a hand in friendship.
Able to muster the strength
      offering care
          and understanding
So desperately needed for self
         to others....
For the faint of heart
     may naught but see
         the scars
              the fears and
                tattered shambles of my life.
However, the few who stand
         in shoes similar to mine.
Share an understanding...
       A commonality....
          A symbolic connection
The stark realization of the
          courage it takes to survive...
              derived only through experience.
My shattered heart and soul
    Are but a badge of honor.
Proudly I carry
    til the end of my days....

When you see that middle aged woman-
abandoned by death or divorce....
Save your pity!
Her children may be grown
successful on their own
their absence is her success....
She can have a quiet dinner alone...
no complaints
no demands
no sacrifices
just the way she likes it....
Movies of her choice -
no compromise...
paintings of Captain America
can now hang upon her bedroom wall...
the music that blasts
are among her favorites...
bringing quiet reminiscences
of loves long gone
dreams
some realized
some forgotten...
For the first time in her life -
She is on a unique journey
learning to love and care
for only
herself....

Warm smiles,
        melt into cold stares.
Knowing touches,
      grow into cold shoulders.
Love doesn't disintegrate into hatred...
     when left
           unattended
                  neglected
                        ig­nored
It mutates grotesquely
       into indifference.
The language of love
     is reduced to
           a language of silence....

When a beloved hurts you
   it burns, stings - throbs
            like an open wound.
But when the beloved apologizes-
   Pain subsides
          hurt is forgotten
and forgiveness
     flows a easily as the tears
            of joy you shed.

Why is life so pitiless
as to place you so near to me -
and yet so far?
The vindictiveness of the Gods –
Perhaps in a past life I was King Tantalos,
still deserving of the wrath only I can incur.
You stand before me like
Low hanging fruit – yet out of my reach.
Instead of taunting me with water
In this life the Gods are taunting me - with you.
It doesn’t matter how badly I yearn
To nibble your neck,
Feel your arms around me
Satiate myself with the warmth of your
laughter,
intelligence
your soul.
OH NO!
I can’t
touch you.
kiss you.
lick you.
I’m not the one scratching your back…
I can only watch
As you walk away with another.

When you came home successful
from Marine boot camp-
Many asked-
"Have you seen a change?"
Earth shattering, mind blowing
phenomenal catharsis?
In a word - no.
What I'm seeing
are a series of subtle, simple changes....
An appreciation
of my dinners
          (thrown together in haste)...
A respect for those
who have survive the day to day...
A realization that
the worlds owes you NOTHING...
It was here long before you
and will remain long after you are gone...
You are not entitled to anything -
except your own talents
       how you apply them
The application of these talents translate
          into the success you earn....
Has he changed?
not drastically....
But he has taken one giant step
    from boy
          to man.....
A step many men have yet to attain...

You are my person
The one without hesitation I
      place myself
            between you
               and the edge....
You have been
   an ever present fixture
      for so many years....
You are my rock
     my security
        the citadel to which I run...
My life, without you in it
    is bereft,
        bleak
            unyielding...
Loosing you can only be likened
      to ripping off my hand
             removing chains of *******...
Yet that is the pain I will endure
   should you ever believe
      I would choose you
over any one of my sons!
Never
     demand
          I choose -
               you
                     loose....

Emotional scars heal slowly
   ~never completely.
These scars lead to
      skepticism, mistrust, fear .
And sadness,
     sad because what might have been
         can never be realized.
sad because loneliness becomes
     your everyday normal.
           day to uneventful day.
But at least you are safe.
One question -
*are you truly living?

When I refuse to fight
it isn't out of weakness
or fear...
That particular path
must only be followed
when the benefit
outweighs the cost.
And over my entire life
very few battles
have ever been worth
the fight.

The problem with being
-perceived as strong,
Very few have shoulders staunch enough
-for me to cry on.

The best part of Sunday Breakfast,
with any of my sons....
I'm in the restaurant with a man
    who is respectful
         kind and considerate
the most handsome man in the place...
But most importantly
   There is a viscera knowledge
           no matter our differences
this is
    unequivocal
         unconditional
                        love.......

When you tire of chasing
that dream - out of reach.
When disappointments flow
and friendships - breach.
Tired or lonely
missing that one and only.....
I can't ease your desideratum,
but just for tonight I'll be your adytum.....
(translation:  I may not be the one you want, but for now, I'm the one you need....)

When they were born,
  I yearned for the days
    the crying would end....
When they were young
   I loved their laughter
     but not at 2am!
As teens I had to learn
    to appreciate *******
      rap, country, heavy metal
(very glad they shared my love of old school and Billy Joel)
I spent my life longing for quiet.
    A home filled with quiet...
      What a dream!
Never realizing the price of quiet...
     They are grow and gone....
It's quiet now
........****.......

The brightness of the sun
and the clear blue sky
are just as they were
when you said goodbye...
That day - full of hope
and endless possibilities
Shattered as you walked away
leaving me devoid of dignity....
With you went
all I cherish deep inside
An empty hole
where you once reside....
      Pain amplified
            that awful word- goodbye....

Chest pains
     numbness arm and face
         shortness of breath
Emergency
       High blood pressure
            then the tests begin...
Technology
      needles and sticky tabs
             wait and wait and wait
Why can't they just ask
      I'd let them know
           there can be no attack-
for I have no *heart!

You search my soul
         to comfort the labels in your mind-
Is she
       Good? bad? honest? liar?
Let me help-
      I'm only human.....
I am more than your preconceived notions
     of which I am all and  none
If only you  could set aside your fears
take time...
get to
know
me.....

Anyone with a heart
    has had it shattered
     with the tragedies of this past week.
Remember!
   Being hated is not
      a free pass to hate in return!
Being hated is
    a reminder how precious love truly is....
It is also
     our civic responsibility to never hate in like....
I know
   I've been Black
       and hated for my accident of birth
            for over 60 years
Don't let the hateful win
love....

From mayhem, chaos and madness-
    I glimpsed a silver lining...
Got off work late,
~changed shifts
          to avoid an insane ex.
The street was empty
Inescapable!
Grabbed from behind-
      forcing me into his car.
         I fight,
            I scream-
I know if He gets me in the car
         I’m dead….
Two in the morning
        Not many around to hear…
A Good Samaritan summoned police.
He was arrested-
       So was I - for disturbing the peace…
The rest was a blur
Confused
     upset
         frightened…
The cell was curiously clean
      very white
         sterile  
            surreal
I was alone
     I felt my soul had been violated …
Through my tears I noticed
       An officer kept walking past
Looking into the small window
     of that cell of confinement…
Two, three maybe six or more passes-
       ‘til he let himself in.
My face was tear stained
     eyes swollen
         Looking very disheveled
Inevitable result - life or death struggle.
Chuck’s voice was low,
And in a strange way – comforting…
I don’t all remember the words
Just the emotion…
“I work with the dregs of society…"
    I knew he was trying to consul me
         but most of what he said
            was lost in the confusion in my mind ....
"... So seldom do I see
Such a beautiful butterfly…”

Chuck leaves… but returns
       With my things
“Let’s go – I’ll get you home safe..”

I was taught to mistrust Whites,
The earlier arrest reinforced that fear-
Yet this tall,
      handsome
           red-head
             Some 25 years my senior
Looked after me-
From that day ‘til I left
The Puget Sound
He protected,
     Safeguarded
         Nurtured
             and loved me!

My demon is very shy
and extraordinarily wicked.
A chameleon -
blending in among pedigree
    respectability
        honesty
She only ventures out
    to reek havoc
if there is a possibility -
   of happiness.
She's very jealous
you see -
she wants me
all for herself.

Whispers in the dark,
     memories of passion lost.
Regrets born of the
    would of
        could of
           should of...
Best friend lost
     Unrequited conversations
          a phone - silent and still.
The bond
    a connection
          kismet....
Nothing more than ruin.
A realization
     The whispers in the dark
          are the screamings of my *heart

If only life
would afford a do over...
I would cut down on
the hours I've worked...
Take more time to appreciate
my sons and
     the stick figures holding hands
           with heart shaped puffs of smoke
               bellowing from the chimney
                    in the picture of our home
                          they drew.
I would learn how to share the pain
      my friends may endure
         keeping in touch
            not letting months go by
               buried in work
                  instead of sharing a glass of wine.
I would know my worth
   not waste precious moments of life
      on worthless relationships....
Go fishing with my father
      Hug him - just because
          Take every opportunity just to say
              I love and appreciate you....
Not waste so much time
          trying to please a mother
              who never wanted me.
I would learn to love me - first.
And when I met you
     all you would see
         is me getting smaller
                as I walked away.....

In dreams we meet
per chance
pausing briefly-
with that boyish grin
whispering
your voice deep
sensual
"you're still beautiful"...
A pain
proliferating from the void
bereft of joy
longing to scream
in shock and horror..
You are still short
       balding
           larger around the middle
yet those hateful words of choke...
unable to return the pain you gave.
A heart that surrenders
         Only to melt in the pools
                of your deep hazel eyes...
"It is good to see you too.."
Then you fade into the crowd.
       and out of my dreams.

I have always had a sense of pride
~in my ability to let go.
I can walk away from anyone -
the older brothers who
tortured and beat me up.
The older sister whose description of me still stings -
         "Her, she's a fat pig and I hate her!"
I walked away, no regrets
       family is whom I choose,
           not an accident.
I have only loved two men in my life,
one in my twenties,
     one in my late 50s.
the former was killed
      by the other he choose
the later choose another
    (she has the correct skin color and money).
It is hard to let go
      walking away isn't as easy.
There are sleepless nights.
    Questioning myself,
           my confidence shaken.
Is there something wrong with me?
The pain is very physical,
     nausea,
         projectile vomiting
and my heart won't stop aching.
My heart will not stop aching.
There are times it feels
      like my heart will jump
           right out of my chest,
              and explode.
So I write.
So that an anonymous audience
      may understand
         age doesn't matter.
heartbreak is heartbreak.
But when someone is my age
    I wonder if I will die feeling like this.
             and that ******.

Where do you find the inner strength-
needed to hold your ground
in the face of rising
opposition?
When every fiber of your being knows
what you do is right and just
and must be faced
alone...
What must be done - is at great cost-
loss of family, employment
respect of some peers
your life?
The paths diverge in polar directions
one safe, secure -the other
wrought with pain and
the unknown...
Crossroads....
    decisions
         trepidation
               and yet -
"The unexamined life is not worth living"  Socrates

I can't give my heart
It is shielded with walls
      Towering    
          impenetrable.
Protected with foundations
       bottomless
            substantial.
Fortified by the scars
   left by those
Incapable of being
    trusted.
Unworthy
         deceitful
             thieves!
Who consume hearts
      in feeble attempts
           to become human....