I have always had a sense of pride
~in my ability to let go.
I can walk away from anyone -
the older brothers who
tortured and beat me up.
The older sister whose description of me still stings -
         "Her, she's a fat pig and I hate her!"
I walked away, no regrets
       family is whom I choose,
           not an accident.
I have only loved two men in my life,
one in my twenties,
     one in my late 50s.
the former was killed
      by the other he choose
the later choose another
    (she has the correct skin color and money).
It is hard to let go
      walking away isn't as easy.
There are sleepless nights.
    Questioning myself,
           my confidence shaken.
Is there something wrong with me?
The pain is very physical,
     nausea,
         projectile vomiting
and my heart won't stop aching.
My heart will not stop aching.
There are times it feels
      like my heart will jump
           right out of my chest,
              and explode.
So I write.
So that an anonymous audience
      may understand
         age doesn't matter.
heartbreak is heartbreak.
But when someone is my age
    I wonder if I will die feeling like this.
             and that ******.

To borrow from Langston Hughes -
"Life for me ain't been no crystal stair."
A hard life makes one
wary
     skeptical
         apprehensive.
Not to mention, writing leaves me
raw
    exposed
       vulnerable.
So I ran - breakneck speed
    from HP
        from FB
            from life.
Back to the solitude of my hide away
in the country....
     and my own mind.
        never to be heard from again,
             or so I thought.
For the first time in my life
   I may have gotten lucky.
A friend cared enough to point out
    my misstep.
I let fear get the better of me...
    I can't make any guarantees, but
           I will try to be stronger.

You were born under a
looming, haunting thought
one day - we'd say goodbye.....
Years of denial
     while I enjoyed
        watching baby
             grow into boy
                  turn into man
I braced for the inevitable
     fought with the reality
          wrestling with fears and tears...
I wish you success
    I'm here for you
        my heart is shattered
but I know it is time
    for the reality I dread
Goodbye, my son- be careful
you carry my heart.....

Another every day,
feed the dogs
go to work
return home.
Paint, video gaming
return emails...
Another everyday.
Remember to eat
do laundry
shop for food (you don't eat)
Another everyday.
Hide behind the smile
Be polite to strangers
professional at work
Another everyday of denying the pain
caused by the hole only you can fill.
Deny the longing
Deny how much I miss
your smile
your touch
The very smell of you.
Just another everyday
...without you!

I put my insecurities on paper,
     so they don't burden down
           my journey....
My fears, anxieties
   even my nightmares...
For me,
   this is healthy....
So when you read my words
   understand one thing
      you really don't know me.
This is my worst.
    But as Marilyn stated
If you can't deal with the worst
   You don't deserve the best...

You are the brightest
and most talented
I guess the word is gifted
young woman.
If brains were all we needed
to successfully navigate
this world -
I'd have no worries,
for you, my dear -
would have it made.
But it takes more than brains
For happiness,
security
love...
God knows, if I could
wrap up all the goodness
in the world,
I would place it on your doorstep.
The most wondrous present ever!
But I can't.
Your brains will open doors,
afford you many opportunities-
But you must find the courage
within yourself
to take the risk!
Life isn't easy,
well planned
or organized...
It is chaotic.
Twists and turns
Ups and downs
plans that never seem to work out
and yet - they always do...
Maybe not the way we plan-
but they do.
Trust yourself
Love yourself.
Don't look for others
to define who you are.
People will always disappoint-
we are only human...
Simply know I am with you in spirit,
now and forever.
You are a bright spot
in an old heart
who was ever so briefly reminded
of the daughter
I never had....

I can't promise forever -
who knows
what tomorrow may bring.
I can't promise eternal bliss -
I'm only human.
I can promise two arms
dedicated to holding
~only you.
I can promise a heart
that accepts you
unconditionally.
Eyes that see your best
without being blind to the rest.
I can promise laughter.
Home made
New England clam chowder -
(and breakfast in bed).
I can promise I will cherish
every day we have together.
And I promise I will miss you
when you leave....

When my child is in pain
I see more than the young man
       desperately trying to find his footing
               as an adult.
I see the baby
   that stayed in the hospital
      while I went home
         until he was better....
I see the little boy
    crying in my car after school
        thanks to the school yard bully...
            I feel the defeat of every game lost....
I see one of only a handful
    I would sacrifice my life for
        without hesitation...
I carry all of their pain
     lost in my reality
        I can't take it away....
I wish they all remained
    3 years old
      when a hug and a kiss
        remedied all their ails...
This pain I know is mine
    I carry it to the grave...
with nothing but faith
     in the fact that
My sons are strong
       and they will
          find their own way.

Born twice cursed-
gender... race.
Therein also lies the beauty and my fortitude.
Being judged and misunderstood-
    builds a depth of empathy
        many will never know.
When they wish to inflict pain-
   I feel none but pity...
When love leaves them barren...
   I am not diminished.
So many have tried to
      destroy all that I am.
          and failed.
It is the folly of mistaking kindness
     for weakness.
My strength lies in what others believe
       to be a curse.

Don't pity the broken doll,
ravished by
time
     pain
           and scars...
Her heart is not unscathed
It too carries
hurt
     wounds
             misery...
Those who judge by what they see
will never know the beauty forged
beneath the broken shell.
Therein lies a heart convinced
     love exists.
The one who isn't a Knight
       devoid of shining armor.
One who too - has survived
       the chaos we call life...
These hearts will meet!
      That is her hope
             That is her dream
Until that day she persists-
      On the strength born of pain...

Once you fall victim
to a thief of hearts
You desperately hope
That this is
real
     kismet
         soulmates....
Of course-
when the deed is done -
in the wake of lies
you are left with...
painful memories
      broken promises
          the inability to trust
              and far too often -
                   a shattered life.
Soothing the pain you find excuses
    and wrongly blame self.
But know dear heart-
it is not you!
No one can fill an insatiable ego!
The thief is a collector
in feeble attempts to fill a void...
A black hole that existed long before you
and will continue long after
they have drained your life force!
The best we can hope for
is that one day
the thief will acknowledge
the pain and havoc they reaped
in a life wasted on selfish desires.
And if you are really one of the fortunate
you will get a heartfelt apology...
     but don't hold your breath!

The difference between men and women....
He must ask
      and accept many "No's".
She merely chooses
       From multitudes of requests
whom (if any)
       she will say "yes"....

You risk your life
    in service to others...
In the military
     policing our streets,
         guards by our pool....
No thought of self
    or personal cost....
Often not realizing
    how often you touch the lives of others.
For those of us lucky enough
   to be your Mother, Father,
         sister, brother
           husbands, wives
                 or simply lucky enough to call you friend...
The gravity of what you do-
    often weighs heavy on our hearts and mind.
You would be dearly missed- should the unthinkable
    result in worst coming to pass...
Please know -
   You have our respect...
And you would leave an unfathomable hole
    In our lives
          and in our hearts!

Once, long ago our journeys crossed paths.
     for awhile - life made sense.
The warmth of every day
     was ripe with desire and hope.
When you asked to make
     our life dance permanent
        the trepidations of the future
            faded.....
Until you chose her over me.
My world ~crumbled~
       the pain was debilitating
With you left -
     happiness
       security
          my life's song.
It felt like a lifetime of darkness.
But through some miracle of life
     or a cruel cosmic joke -
You came back,
      filled with all the promises of the past.
Dare I hope? plan? TRUST?
The bitterness of life which
         demanded an unimaginable price...
With one bullet
She snuffed out
   our love,
     our future
         your life.

The hurt,
       The physical pain
             piercing my body-
Like a red-hot dagger through the heart.
That used to accompany
the very mention of your name
    has faded
       dissipated
It is lost in the sea of nothingness.
   That hopeless place
       where I foolishly
          clung to the belief
you possess the capacity
     to care for anyone
           outside of yourself.

As I drop into a deeper sleep -
or the eternity just prior to waking
we lay wrapped in each other's arms,
I feel your warm breath on the nape of my neck.
Your hand follows the curves of my waist -
Lingering
       longing
within that touch I find
security
     love
           a home.
These are my dreams and yet-
only in dreams can I live.

The final gift-
    That goes unspoken...
Don't tell me about it MOM!
   But it would be worse
If I left it all up to you four...
   When you open that box
        You need only make a call
All information
    (t)'s  crossed
        (i)'s  dotted
Done!
    pa­id for
        complete.
Don't cry for me - my time is done
Enjoy the Johnny Walker Blue
    Patron (Gran)
        and two bottles of wine I've left for you.
This isn't morbid
     It is a necessity
My final gift of love
    for all of you!

You say you don't control how I feel.
When you lie -
     you take away my choice
           and control my response.
When you avoid-
      You cause me frustration
While you expect me not to react-
     thereby controlling my anger.
When you yell
      you trigger my fight or flight response
         so you are controlling my fear.
But how about this?
You can't control my walking out the door-
      I take back my control.

How foolish and egotistical
to assume an Omnipotent being
would bother with something
as insignificant as humans.
We can't love the person
standing next to us in line.
Yet hate monger so convincingly-
swear they bask in the glory
of  the Divine.
Somehow we deserve the
undeserved kindness of the Almighty.
While we destroy the planet-
teach innocent children to hate,
Ignoring hypocrisy.
Were I a Supreme Being
I would have
one word  
for all -

... REALLY?

Reality*
is accepting
the poison source ~
is in the mirror!

It isn't fair -
when it's difficult to trust you due to the lies of others.
It wasn't fair when my innocence was stolen-
by one concerned only with self gratification.
And no - you don't have pay for it.
But  I am worth the time it will take-
to learn to trust you,
to feel secure with you,
to find comfort in your arms.
To feel safe enough to love.

The void
between
half-past heartbreak
and
a quarter to recovery
feels
endless...

Tell me why?
   when I have any down time
       my mind drifts towards
         thoughts of
     you...
I need to work...
I'm determined to work...
But you are such a sweet
    distraction.
Your voice echos throughout
    my fantasies.
It becomes difficult to
   separate fact from
       imagination.
It is as if
   you haunt my every waking
       moment.
Time slows to a grueling pace.
     If only you were here.

You were my
     knight in shinning armor
At a time when I was
      a very lost girl....
You took me into your light
     protected me
           taught me it is OK to love...
You didn't tell me
      how much love can hurt...
          That lesson was hand on....
And although I ran
    you remain
        in my heart
            and soul
In reflection - I'm grateful
     I carry the good you shared
           always and forever....

Years ago "I'm sorry"
was heartfelt remorse...
    empathy  
       sympathy...
All honest and true.
But with the years
came more than
     weight
        wrinkles
             lost vanity...
Life also dealt
      heartbreak
          loss of loved ones
Pain that at times
    that was unbearable.
I carry the emotional scars
the pain of
parent
     mother
        wife
              failed lover...
Scars great and small,
     healed or
          bleeding
              gaping wounds...
So when I apologize
       it is more than mere words.
It is the soul of a kindred spirit.
       desperately hoping my words
will ease some of your pain
      because now
              I know....

As I drop into a deeper sleep -
or the eternity just prior to waking
we lay wrapped in each others arms,
I feel your warm breath on the nape of my neck.
Your hand follows the curves of my waist -
Lingering...
       longing
within that touch I find
security
     love
           a home.
These are my dreams and yet-
only in dreams can I live.

I taught myself to
    Tie my shoes
       Cook a meal
         Brush my hair
I taught myself to
    Be a friend
       Be a Mom,
         Protect my sons
I had no rules to follow
Or guides along the way…
So if I say
    I love you
- it’s not convention bound
and know I’ll never hurt you
    As long as I’m around….

I know the emptiness
-after a long trying day-
coming home to
absolutely no one.
I know the insatiable longing
to share good and bad
as free time is filled
with reruns.
I know the regrets
of a past filled
with lovers come
and gone.
I feel the hunger
that can drive one
down reckless and
very dead ends.
I understand the
holes in a soul
that often feels
more lost than found.
Emptiness, longing, regret, hunger and holes
are in my mirror
everyday.
That's why we are friends -
your mirror reflects
the same...

My fierceness
       always protects
              a soul that has
                     been abused.

Time with you
    reminds me to live
       ~ not just exist.