Leave a flower
     in a *** too small
           it will never reach
                 its full potential...
Put a woman
     on a pedestal
         incarcerated by your
               unrealistic expectations                  
She will mature-
     chase her curiosity
          expand her horizons
She will continue her
      never- ending pursuit
to be the women she knows
     in her heart
           she is meant to be.
She is burdened with the guilt
     of failing to live up to
          your fantasy...
But she will also grow
     vexation
            exacerbation
                    bitterness
and eventually resentment-
for you!

I know the emptiness
-after a long trying day-
coming home to
absolutely no one.
I know the insatiable longing
to share good and bad
as free time is filled
with reruns.
I know the regrets
of a past filled
with lovers come
and gone.
I feel the hunger
that can drive one
down reckless and
very dead ends.
I understand the
holes in a soul
that often feels
more lost than found.
Emptiness, longing, regret, hunger and holes
are in my mirror
everyday.
That's why we are friends -
your mirror reflects
the same...

The final gift-
    That goes unspoken...
Don't tell me about it MOM!
   But it would be worse
If I left it all up to you four...
   When you open that box
        You need only make a call
All information
    (t)'s  crossed
        (i)'s  dotted
Done!
    pa­id for
        complete.
Don't cry for me - my time is done
Enjoy the Johnny Walker Blue
    Patron (Gran)
        and two bottles of wine I've left for you.
This isn't morbid
     It is a necessity
My final gift of love
    for all of you!

Another every day,
feed the dogs
go to work
return home.
Paint, video gaming
return emails...
Another everyday.
Remember to eat
do laundry
shop for food (you don't eat)
Another everyday.
Hide behind the smile
Be polite to strangers
professional at work
Another everyday of denying the pain
caused by the hole only you can fill.
Deny the longing
Deny how much I miss
your smile
your touch
The very smell of you.
Just another everyday
...without you!

Don't pity the broken doll,
ravished by
time
     pain
           and scars...
Her heart is not unscathed
It too carries
hurt
     wounds
             misery...
Those who judge by what they see
will never know the beauty forged
beneath the broken shell.
Therein lies a heart convinced
     love exists.
The one who isn't a Knight
       devoid of shining armor.
One who too - has survived
       the chaos we call life...
These hearts will meet!
      That is her hope
             That is her dream
Until that day she persists-
      On the strength born of pain...

Your face adorns my TV screen,
the annoying ads between episodes...
Just when I believe I've shaken your spell
There must be something between us.
Your voice sends chills
my heart skips a beat
with nothing but your image,
a digital reproduction of a love long forgotten-
There must be something between us!
So my eyes turn to home
moving so very far away
from your image
your reputation
your presence on my TV
and I realize what must be between us....
There must be something between us-
even if it is only-
about 1500 miles!

Once you fall victim
to a thief of hearts
You desperately hope
That this is
real
     kismet
         soulmates....
Of course-
when the deed is done -
in the wake of lies
you are left with...
painful memories
      broken promises
          the inability to trust
              and far too often -
                   a shattered life.
Soothing the pain you find excuses
    and wrongly blame self.
But know dear heart-
it is not you!
No one can fill an insatiable ego!
The thief is a collector
in feeble attempts to fill a void...
A black hole that existed long before you
and will continue long after
they have drained your life force!
The best we can hope for
is that one day
the thief will acknowledge
the pain and havoc they reaped
in a life wasted on selfish desires.
And if you are really one of the fortunate
you will get a heartfelt apology...
     but don't hold your breath!

You are the brightest
and most talented
I guess the word is gifted
young woman.
If brains were all we needed
to successfully navigate
this world -
I'd have no worries,
for you, my dear -
would have it made.
But it takes more than brains
For happiness,
security
love...
God knows, if I could
wrap up all the goodness
in the world,
I would place it on your doorstep.
The most wondrous present ever!
But I can't.
Your brains will open doors,
afford you many opportunities-
But you must find the courage
within yourself
to take the risk!
Life isn't easy,
well planned
or organized...
It is chaotic.
Twists and turns
Ups and downs
plans that never seem to work out
and yet - they always do...
Maybe not the way we plan-
but they do.
Trust yourself
Love yourself.
Don't look for others
to define who you are.
People will always disappoint-
we are only human...
Simply know I am with you in spirit,
now and forever.
You are a bright spot
in an old heart
who was ever so briefly reminded
of the daughter
I never had....

I so want to feel normal.
Thing is
I just don't remember
what normal
feels like....

The inclination to rescue
       doesn't spring from an
          altruistic desire to feel good
               about myself.
It is a damnable urge
    costing me three bad marriages.
I became the 'bad guy'
    when I stopped a couple I worked with
         from beating his wife in public.
Stupid me,
     offered the woman help.
My thanks
      was her venom
              for years...
Rescue equates to
     put your **** out
             to be chewed.
Yet - I still have the
    burning desire
        to pay it forward
Aware reward is a jaded heart-
       and the inescapable knowledge
I would do it all again.

How foolish and egotistical
to assume an Omnipotent being
would bother with something
as insignificant as humans.
We can't love the person
standing next to us in line.
Yet hate monger so convincingly-
swear they bask in the glory
of  the Divine.
Somehow we deserve the
undeserved kindness of the Almighty.
While we destroy the planet-
teach innocent children to hate,
Ignoring hypocrisy.
Were I a Supreme Being
I would have
one word  
for all -

... REALLY?

Painful year,
loss
tears
wishing I were better
praying to experience true forgiveness
fervently yearning for a hug
from anyone who knows... understands...
The stark realization
Am I deserving of comfort?
.... my sins are haunting....
for want of a hug....

You were my
     knight in shinning armor
At a time when I was
      a very lost girl....
You took me into your light
     protected me
           taught me it is OK to love...
You didn't tell me
      how much love can hurt...
          That lesson was hand on....
And although I ran
    you remain
        in my heart
            and soul
In reflection - I'm grateful
     I carry the good you shared
           always and forever....

My hair is soft
      yet the only other fingers
            aware of how soft
                 have long since past.
I do sports - not watch
that is, of course,
    unless my sons are playing
       or the music is right
            and the party is tight!
I catch Pokemon
     **** in Fallout 4
        visit Azeroth every chance I get....
My DNA - an enigma
     African
         Irish
              Southern Europe
                  Finland and Siberia
                       Scandinavia
                             Neanderthal
A puzzle wrapped in a conundrum-
      All questions - no answers...
I love action movies, Marvel and DC Movies
        Game of Thrones
              Vikings
I was amazed at the evolution
       White to Heisenberg....
Cognitively I know my age
     Yet spiritually
              my soul is ageless....
My music rap to rock
    old school and new
        jazz, classical
         Western, Eastern, Mid-Eastern, South American
all but Celtic....
      can't handle most Celtic!
I love sunrises in
     the US
          Canada
               Mexico
                  Egypt
                     Jordan
I plan to see more world wide
      God(s?) willing....
Ms taken
     Ms abused
          Ms understood....
Me!

In dreams we meet
per chance
pausing briefly-
with that boyish grin
whispering
your voice deep
sensual
"you're still beautiful"...
A pain
proliferating from the void
bereft of joy
longing to scream
in shock and horror..
You are still short
       balding
           larger around the middle
yet those hateful words of choke...
unable to return the pain you gave.
A heart that surrenders
         Only to melt in the pools
                of your deep hazel eyes...
"It is good to see you too.."
Then you fade into the crowd.
       and out of my dreams.

When a beloved hurts you
   it burns, stings - throbs
            like an open wound.
But when the beloved apologizes-
   Pain subsides
          hurt is forgotten
and forgiveness
     flows a easily as the tears
            of joy you shed.

I work
   play Fallout 4
      write poetry
I mind my own business
   cut my lawn
     clean my house.
Occasionally I shop
  smile at strangers
      engage in random acts of kindness...
Explain why
   a Molotov cocktail was thrown at my home?  
and why, while shopping
  a three year old points and screams
*****
   *****
      *****
         *****
            *****!
while her mother continues to shop
....... as if this is the norm?

Belief  is vital
   to sooth the rough
      survive the insurmountable...
Yet on the days
   when belief has abandoned you
your hope
    Is drowning in despair
faith
  fickle faith
has left you for another...
On those days
    I long for that shoulder
That understanding tone
   from he who knows
I don't need fixing
I need my  rock....
My only prayer for you
is that your rock - is still a part of your life...
(unlike me)

When you see that middle aged woman-
abandoned by death or divorce....
Save your pity!
Her children may be grown
successful on their own
their absence is her success....
She can have a quiet dinner alone...
no complaints
no demands
no sacrifices
just the way she likes it....
Movies of her choice -
no compromise...
paintings of Captain America
can now hang upon her bedroom wall...
the music that blasts
are among her favorites...
bringing quiet reminiscences
of loves long gone
dreams
some realized
some forgotten...
For the first time in her life -
She is on a unique journey
learning to love and care
for only
herself....

The best part of Sunday Breakfast,
with any of my sons....
I'm in the restaurant with a man
    who is respectful
         kind and considerate
the most handsome man in the place...
But most importantly
   There is a viscera knowledge
           no matter our differences
this is
    unequivocal
         unconditional
                        love.......

I don't understand
Hate begets hate
In the world I was reared within
It was eye for and eye
How does that stop
The hate?
Don't you know the pain
When a loved one
Is killed????
Don't you know
That pain never ceases?
The nightmares never ends
The hole in your heart
Insatiable
There is no comfort
You break down
At what others call "nothing"
Your soul becomes
a spiraling
Screaming agony
Excruciating
Massive hurt
God forbid anyone else
Experiences such violence
My god
I simply don't understand

I'm Black
You're White
Does that mean we have to fight?
Grew up poor
so did you -
Learned to live by "making due".
Limited life options
for we two
determination we both grew...
Steely Dan
What a sound!
See! I'm not ghetto bound...
You like them too?
and Stevie Wonder?
Believing we're different -
what a blunder...
City girl-
Country boy
Doctor - lawyer - both just ploys.
Societal facades
so the world doesn't guess
each night I dream of your lips
          on my *******...
I don't care
the world's reaction
Your voice, touch, smell          
Taboo attraction....

Eclectic as long as I recall
labeled weird by peers
nothing could wipe
the smile of all 32's ...
Scanning for tunes
memory lane
some frightening
many sweet....
from Procol Harum
to James Brown...
Flashbacks ~
A happy "pool rat"...
AM lessons that led to free swim
followed by team practice
and night swim...
Oblivious to the
burnt out shells
~vestiges of the summer of '65.
Heavy police presence
Ghetto birds
day and night...
Coalescence
willfully ignoring the horrendous
savoring the sweet....
the boy around the corner
who broke into song
each time I walked by
"My Cherie Amor..."
Dancing in the street,
the parks
where ever a boom box bellowed...
Cheap wine
blissful ignorance...
all revisited
thanks to a song.

When they were born,
  I yearned for the days
    the crying would end....
When they were young
   I loved their laughter
     but not at 2am!
As teens I had to learn
    to appreciate *******
      rap, country, heavy metal
(very glad they shared my love of old school and Billy Joel)
I spent my life longing for quiet.
    A home filled with quiet...
      What a dream!
Never realizing the price of quiet...
     They are grow and gone....
It's quiet now
........****.......

Anyone with a heart
    has had it shattered
     with the tragedies of this past week.
Remember!
   Being hated is not
      a free pass to hate in return!
Being hated is
    a reminder how precious love truly is....
It is also
     our civic responsibility to never hate in like....
I know
   I've been Black
       and hated for my accident of birth
            for over 60 years
Don't let the hateful win
love....

You risk your life
    in service to others...
In the military
     policing our streets,
         guards by our pool....
No thought of self
    or personal cost....
Often not realizing
    how often you touch the lives of others.
For those of us lucky enough
   to be your Mother, Father,
         sister, brother
           husbands, wives
                 or simply lucky enough to call you friend...
The gravity of what you do-
    often weighs heavy on our hearts and mind.
You would be dearly missed- should the unthinkable
    result in worst coming to pass...
Please know -
   You have our respect...
And you would leave an unfathomable hole
    In our lives
          and in our hearts!

When you came home successful
from Marine boot camp-
Many asked-
"Have you seen a change?"
Earth shattering, mind blowing
phenomenal catharsis?
In a word - no.
What I'm seeing
are a series of subtle, simple changes....
An appreciation
of my dinners
          (thrown together in haste)...
A respect for those
who have survive the day to day...
A realization that
the worlds owes you NOTHING...
It was here long before you
and will remain long after you are gone...
You are not entitled to anything -
except your own talents
       how you apply them
The application of these talents translate
          into the success you earn....
Has he changed?
not drastically....
But he has taken one giant step
    from boy
          to man.....
A step many men have yet to attain...

Where do you find the inner strength-
needed to hold your ground
in the face of rising
opposition?
When every fiber of your being knows
what you do is right and just
and must be faced
alone...
What must be done - is at great cost-
loss of family, employment
respect of some peers
your life?
The paths diverge in polar directions
one safe, secure -the other
wrought with pain and
the unknown...
Crossroads....
    decisions
         trepidation
               and yet -
"The unexamined life is not worth living"  Socrates

The death of a relationship,
is often for the best.
It doesn't feel like that
-at first.
First comes - fear
confusion
anger
hurt.
If there are children
protecting them
from the inevitable fallout...
Rebuilding your life.
Learning to trust.
Avoiding the trap
of stereotyping all
with the characteristics of one.
Not allowing anger
to grow into bitterness.
Yes - the path is new
unknown
but
It does get better
The pain isn't in the future-
you are leaving it in the past.
Celebrate!
And know this
if you don't know anything else-
I am ****** glad
you are gone!

The problem with being
-perceived as strong,
Very few have shoulders staunch enough
-for me to cry on.

The brightness of the sun
and the clear blue sky
are just as they were
when you said goodbye...
That day - full of hope
and endless possibilities
Shattered as you walked away
leaving me devoid of dignity....
With you went
all I cherish deep inside
An empty hole
where you once reside....
      Pain amplified
            that awful word- goodbye....

I understand you live in a place and,
unconditional
.....has
.........no
..............meaning...
­I live there too!
A world in which friends
....betray
.........deceive
..............manipulate...
W­here loved ones - love you
......until they don't!
Tranquility is derived from
....solitude
........wariness  
............fear!
An offer of friendship
.....unconditionally
Is foreign
......unreal
.........a trap!
So don't trust my words
....and don't turn away
Let my actions speak-
.......I'm here for you
..........until you say "Leave"
When I'm gone
....you owe me nothing
........I am your friend
...........unconditionally.

When I refuse to fight
it isn't out of weakness
or fear...
That particular path
must only be followed
when the benefit
outweighs the cost.
And over my entire life
very few battles
have ever been worth
the fight.

Old warriors have a lifetime
wins and losses
Scars substantiating each.....
We have lived long enough
to know
when to fight
and when to walk away...

You are my person
The one without hesitation I
      place myself
            between you
               and the edge....
You have been
   an ever present fixture
      for so many years....
You are my rock
     my security
        the citadel to which I run...
My life, without you in it
    is bereft,
        bleak
            unyielding...
Loosing you can only be likened
      to ripping off my hand
             removing chains of *******...
Yet that is the pain I will endure
   should you ever believe
      I would choose you
over any one of my sons!
Never
     demand
          I choose -
               you
                     loose....

Four of five in a house of seven...
never quiet.
Drive- bys, gang wars
Ghetto birds galore...
pandemonium...
Sons -
     football
          basketball
                track
make noise - cheer!
          thundering masses....
Yet in the twilight of life
   parents at rest
       siblings  and loved ones
            passed on....
In solitude
      one must learn to appreciate
               *.....quiet....

I didn't wake up one morning
     make a conscious choice
             to be a *****....
First -
I gave my heart
      It was used to clean excrement from your rear....
I ventured so far as to trust
     Your knives are still in my back....
I was kind
     you interpreted weakness....
I cared
      totally unappreciated
I empathized
      your need became insatiable....
After 20 years I finally said
    **** it....
Naturally,
       I'm the *****....
No my dear
        I simply act like you!

"Battle not with monsters
      lest ye become a monster,
          and if you gaze into the abyss,
             the abyss gazes also into you...."
                    Friedrich Nietzche.

The struggle with inner demons
      old as time.
The darkness that sometimes consumes
        and cannot be avoided
            must be tamed, controlled.
For I am not the victim
     yet - if the monster is not constrained...
       I leave a trail of victims
          the innocent.
In my heart - that is a true sin....

"The purpose of life is not to be happy.
It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate,
to have it make a difference that you have lived and lived well."
       Ralph Waldo Emerson