When you tire of chasing
that dream - out of reach.
When disappointments flow
and friendships - breach.
Tired or lonely
missing that one and only.....
I can't ease your desideratum,
but just for tonight I'll be your adytum.....
(translation:  I may not be the one you want, but for now, I'm the one you need....)

House
     domicile
         residence....
Home?  For one....weird.
Ex
     wife
         divorced
OK, that's how I spell relief.....
Mom
      mother
        progenitor
Does it mean the same when all children are gone?
Lost
     adrift
         disoriented....
*Me

You were born under a
looming, haunting thought
one day - we'd say goodbye.....
Years of denial
     while I enjoyed
        watching baby
             grow into boy
                  turn into man
I braced for the inevitable
     fought with the reality
          wrestling with fears and tears...
I wish you success
    I'm here for you
        my heart is shattered
but I know it is time
    for the reality I dread
Goodbye, my son- be careful
you carry my heart.....

The difference between men and women....
He must ask
      and accept many "No's".
She merely chooses
       From multitudes of requests
whom (if any)
       she will say "yes"....

I put my insecurities on paper,
     so they don't burden down
           my journey....
My fears, anxieties
   even my nightmares...
For me,
   this is healthy....
So when you read my words
   understand one thing
      you really don't know me.
This is my worst.
    But as Marilyn stated
If you can't deal with the worst
   You don't deserve the best...

Years ago "I'm sorry"
was heartfelt remorse...
    empathy  
       sympathy...
All honest and true.
But with the years
came more than
     weight
        wrinkles
             lost vanity...
Life also dealt
      heartbreak
          loss of loved ones
Pain that at times
    that was unbearable.
I carry the emotional scars
the pain of
parent
     mother
        wife
              failed lover...
Scars great and small,
     healed or
          bleeding
              gaping wounds...
So when I apologize
       it is more than mere words.
It is the soul of a kindred spirit.
       desperately hoping my words
will ease some of your pain
      because now
              I know....

When my child is in pain
I see more than the young man
       desperately trying to find his footing
               as an adult.
I see the baby
   that stayed in the hospital
      while I went home
         until he was better....
I see the little boy
    crying in my car after school
        thanks to the school yard bully...
            I feel the defeat of every game lost....
I see one of only a handful
    I would sacrifice my life for
        without hesitation...
I carry all of their pain
     lost in my reality
        I can't take it away....
I wish they all remained
    3 years old
      when a hug and a kiss
        remedied all their ails...
This pain I know is mine
    I carry it to the grave...
with nothing but faith
     in the fact that
My sons are strong
       and they will
          find their own way.

Which is worse?
The devastating anguish that accompanies-
    your child's first
          heartbreak
              major disappointment....
Or the reality that with each subsequent success
you shift from
      major player
         to footnote
in the book of your child's life?
*(long deep sigh)

It began as
    a low sob
       growing from a whisper
Fueled with
    anger
        anguish
Momentum gained as it added
   the voices of
      heartbreak
        desperation
               fear.
Painful to hear
    the depth of
       an inconsolable hurt.
Can anyone ease
    her screams into the dark?
Hold her?
     Tell her it will be OK?
I wish I could
   I try....
Then comes the stark realization
     The screamer
         is me........

Warm smiles,
        melt into cold stares.
Knowing touches,
      grow into cold shoulders.
Love doesn't disintegrate into hatred...
     when left
           unattended
                  neglected
                        ig­nored
It mutates grotesquely
       into indifference.
The language of love
     is reduced to
           a language of silence....

If only life
would afford a do over...
I would cut down on
the hours I've worked...
Take more time to appreciate
my sons and
     the stick figures holding hands
           with heart shaped puffs of smoke
               bellowing from the chimney
                    in the picture of our home
                          they drew.
I would learn how to share the pain
      my friends may endure
         keeping in touch
            not letting months go by
               buried in work
                  instead of sharing a glass of wine.
I would know my worth
   not waste precious moments of life
      on worthless relationships....
Go fishing with my father
      Hug him - just because
          Take every opportunity just to say
              I love and appreciate you....
Not waste so much time
          trying to please a mother
              who never wanted me.
I would learn to love me - first.
And when I met you
     all you would see
         is me getting smaller
                as I walked away.....

I marvel at those
able to maintain faith.
A belief that
    everything happens for a reason
         a greater good.
The hope there are answers
of why...
     a 3 month old baby is ***** and killed,
           a ******* can hide behind a collar.
Why a few grow fat with privilege-
      while children scrounge trash cans for food.
Why so many good people
      contemplate death as an alternative to loneliness....
Is it faith?
    A belief in a higher power?
To we who live the nightmare
      suffering -
         day in -
             day out....
Your faith
      Your belief
           Your meaningless words of comfort
is nothing more than
    magical
        thinking.

Whispers in the dark,
     memories of passion lost.
Regrets born of the
    would of
        could of
           should of...
Best friend lost
     Unrequited conversations
          a phone - silent and still.
The bond
    a connection
          kismet....
Nothing more than ruin.
A realization
     The whispers in the dark
          are the screamings of my *heart

He seemed like a nice guy
misunderstood,
sad story.
Six figure career
He just wants someone to love...
Ex-wife's a *****-
at least that what he says
    and you want to believe him...
What he won't tell you is
that ex made it possible
for his advanced degrees.
How she put her goals aside
to further his...
How he befriended her sons
now denying his responsibility...
Nor the time he smashed
her glasses into her face
while she was comforting their
two month old son...
The years he inflicted abuse,
verbal - because she swore
the next time he raised his fist,
would be his last....
       and he believed her.
Moving her away from her family
chasing away her friends
He blames her for the alienation of their son-
Yet he won't tell you why, at 18 that son still
wants nothing to do with him....
He's such a nice guy
misunderstood
You're sure
he will treat
you better...
beware!

I'm afraid of snakes
spiders.
Lies that lead to:
People who smile to
hide vicious deceit.
Pretenders and fakes
disguising bigotry
and hatred...
I fear the
small minds refusing
the light of a new day.
Unwilling to accept
others
who truly are
unique and beautiful.

The hurt,
       The physical pain
             piercing my body-
Like a red-hot dagger through the heart.
That used to accompany
the very mention of your name
    has faded
       dissipated
It is lost in the sea of nothingness.
   That hopeless place
       where I foolishly
          clung to the belief
you possess the capacity
     to care for anyone
           outside of yourself.

The void
between
half-past heartbreak
and
a quarter to recovery
feels
endless...

My time
     A fragile illusion...
Time spent with friends
      dissipates quickly.
Time between the 2am phone ringing
and the voice on the other end
- an eternity.
The time invested in
    soccer games
       football practices
          MMORPG in a guild with my sons
priceless.
The time blown trying to believe your incredulous lies
   wasted....
Precious moments of my life
    I can never get back!

I can't give my heart
It is shielded with walls
      Towering    
          impenetrable.
Protected with foundations
       bottomless
            substantial.
Fortified by the scars
   left by those
Incapable of being
    trusted.
Unworthy
         deceitful
             thieves!
Who consume hearts
      in feeble attempts
           to become human....

Stay busy
assiduous.
Gym- work- dogs
cutting the lawn
pulling weeds
research-
volunteer at the
community theater...
anything and
everything.
Fill every waking moment.
That way
I have no time to think
about you....
If only dreams
were as easily
manipulated!

Chest pains
     numbness arm and face
         shortness of breath
Emergency
       High blood pressure
            then the tests begin...
Technology
      needles and sticky tabs
             wait and wait and wait
Why can't they just ask
      I'd let them know
           there can be no attack-
for I have no *heart!

I listen to that
     which appeases my soul
Country to rap
      pop to classical-
Music satisfies how I feel
         Not your perception...
                Of what 'they' like.
You see "anger",
       when I express passion.
You say "loud",
       When I express joy
'They' are ignorant-
    yet I hold the credentials of the 2%
You fear
   the strength earned
      while navigating the hostile waters
           you created!
bottom line -
     Look inside you
          for I am not your *cliche!

I blunder
    misstep
        stumble
           and fall....
Not from a place
    of malice-
       or hatred-
           nor deceit
This is just a learning process!
    an acceptance of the present-
       forgetting the past-
           finding peace within my own mind
In a life complete
and does not
will not
cannot
include
*you!

You search my soul
         to comfort the labels in your mind-
Is she
       Good? bad? honest? liar?
Let me help-
      I'm only human.....
I am more than your preconceived notions
     of which I am all and  none
If only you  could set aside your fears
take time...
get to
know
me.....

My home is quiet now.
Soccer
basketball
track...
Football games that evolved
From Saturday to Friday night
back to Saturdays even to Sunday
are memories-
cherished.
Home made pizza and pool parties
rambunctious boys
who fought, loved
and fought some more...
now beautiful
men, husbands, fathers.
Yet my heart
and aging mother's eyes
still see the curly haired
big brown eyed
laughing smiles
of carefree little boys-
who still may need me
someday...
and I need them
to chase the quiet away.

I catch myself waiting
    for the phone that doesn't ring.
I wonder are you real
      or simply an illusion?
           a figment....
                a fleeting daydream....
I reach for your hand
    while driving alone.
I see you smiling
   I hear your singing off key
         yet when I turn
You evaporate
       disappear
And once again I'm left to relive
    the pain- along with
        the realization
you are gone....

She minds her own business,
      not one to be where she is not wanted...
Walked away from many relationships
     Confrontation is futile!
          from husbands -
                  to casual acquaintances
not one to "bark up a dead dog's ***".
Simply won't fight - seen too much....
Instead -
      She'll smile at strangers
           say excuse me
               walk around...
Yet while she tries to focus on the positive
        out of the mouth of one no older than three
            clear as a bell
*****!
she pauses - not wanting to believe what she heard
Four more times
*****!
     *****!
         *****!
             *****!
The "mother" doesn't try to quiet or even correct the child
Too cowardly to acknowledge the hurt in the eyes of a total stranger.
      White passers by giggled...
She looked at the baby-
      pure hatred looked back.
With a shake of her head she walked away...
So evil - to each a baby to hate.
    who teaches a baby to hate?
       That, to her, is true obscenity....
The overwhelming sadness of it all
   Makes it difficult to function
        yet another day
            in a society that denies
     racism
        still
            exists!

I have seen hatred of me
     on the face of total strangers...
I have known
     ...physical
         .....emotional
              .....unendurable abuse and pain.
Each strike ripping my soul
       to shreds.
Yet I have found strength
     amidst broken pieces
Determined to repair
    both heart and soul
Some say~
     "Clearly with Crazy Glue"....
What's wrong with her?
      She laughs
         She dances
             She sings
Oblivious to the grotesqueness
       others firmly believe
            to be all that is she.
Yet my monstrous
   ....malformed
       ....aberrant
           tortured essence~
Still finds the compassion
     to offer a hand in friendship.
Able to muster the strength
      offering care
          and understanding
So desperately needed for self
         to others....
For the faint of heart
     may naught but see
         the scars
              the fears and
                tattered shambles of my life.
However, the few who stand
         in shoes similar to mine.
Share an understanding...
       A commonality....
          A symbolic connection
The stark realization of the
          courage it takes to survive...
              derived only through experience.
My shattered heart and soul
    Are but a badge of honor.
Proudly I carry
    til the end of my days....

My soul is on the discount table -
          buyer beware
             ~DAMAGED GOODS~
It's there - can't you see it?
.....with the dinning table- chipped and scarred.
You'll find it with the day old breads
     or fruit that's badly bruised.
Even last seasons dresses and shoes
    ~ have far more utility
Than that withered
undervalued
     fragmented
       abandoned
         discarded
             scorned
                infinitesimal
~mere shadow of my former self!

What is left
  after the pain is gone?
When there is nothing to feed
   the anger
      the depression
         the fear....
Will the soul wither
   and die?
That was my fear...
     But that is not the way of life.
The great love of my life
   has died....
but many great loves are left
   Handsome sons
      grandchildren
         weddings in exotic places
goofy dogs.
My home, all mine
     eclectic and clean.
And I have me.
       ~for the first time in my life -
I love me!

Emotional scars heal slowly
     and never completely.
These scars lead to
    skepticism,
       mistrust,
             fear .
And sadness.
Sad because what might have been
         can never be realized.
Sad because loneliness becomes
         your everyday normal
             day to uneventful day.
But at least you are safe.
One question - are you truly living?

From mayhem, chaos and madness-
    I glimpsed a silver lining...
Got off work late,
~changed shifts
          to avoid an insane ex.
The street was empty
Inescapable!
Grabbed from behind-
      forcing me into his car.
         I fight,
            I scream-
I know if He gets me in the car
         I’m dead….
Two in the morning
        Not many around to hear…
A Good Samaritan summoned police.
He was arrested-
       So was I - for disturbing the peace…
The rest was a blur
Confused
     upset
         frightened…
The cell was curiously clean
      very white
         sterile  
            surreal
I was alone
     I felt my soul had been violated …
Through my tears I noticed
       An officer kept walking past
Looking into the small window
     of that cell of confinement…
Two, three maybe six or more passes-
       ‘til he let himself in.
My face was tear stained
     eyes swollen
         Looking very disheveled
Inevitable result - life or death struggle.
Chuck’s voice was low,
And in a strange way – comforting…
I don’t all remember the words
Just the emotion…
“I work with the dregs of society…"
    I knew he was trying to consul me
         but most of what he said
            was lost in the confusion in my mind ....
"... So seldom do I see
Such a beautiful butterfly…”

Chuck leaves… but returns
       With my things
“Let’s go – I’ll get you home safe..”

I was taught to mistrust Whites,
The earlier arrest reinforced that fear-
Yet this tall,
      handsome
           red-head
             Some 25 years my senior
Looked after me-
From that day ‘til I left
The Puget Sound
He protected,
     Safeguarded
         Nurtured
             and loved me!

I can't promise forever -
who knows
what tomorrow may bring.
I can't promise eternal bliss -
I'm only human.
I can promise two arms
dedicated to holding
~only you.
I can promise a heart
that accepts you
unconditionally.
Eyes that see your best
without being blind to the rest.
I can promise laughter.
Home made
New England clam chowder -
(and breakfast in bed).
I can promise I will cherish
every day we have together.
And I promise I will miss you
when you leave....

We all have secrets,
building walls that close us in.
We allow fear and pain
to stand as sentinels;
and like prisoners with
Stockholm Syndrome
we believe they protect.
When in fact~
they are gatekeepers,
wardens-
keeping us locked in our
secret closets.
Leaving our closet
is one of life's hardest challenges.
From telling the one you love -
you cheated
to openly admitting sexuality.
The secret closets
bind,
choke,
enslave
until we face the fear,
and deal with the pain....for
A closet is no place for a person