I drained you, didn't I?
You were like a child and I was the bully who stole dreams.

You saw me as your hope, your friend, but I was the storm clouds raining on your parade.
And as I stood under my umbrella, I watched you drown.
You never noticed though, you were blinded by love.

How peculiar.. Everyone saw clear as day but I blinded you sweetheart.
You thought that love could destroy the evil that continued to grow within me but you found out the hard way that demons like mine are powerful, deceitful, ruthless and cold.

I took what you had, destroyed you and extinguished the fire in your eyes.

I'd like to give it back, honey. This is how I'll do it:
I'll take that last pill, climb the last step on my ladder, tighten the noose, slice the very last vein and breathe my last breath.
I'll set not only myself free.. but you too.

Hold on sweetheart, it will all be over soon.

You're like the heat of a thousand suns and although I am burnt, chapped and faded I choose to remain in the dessert.

I like being noticed.. You know.
I like being appreciated. But I like being noticed for the small things.

Appreciated would be the times you tell me I am beautiful.
Noticed would be if you realised I never believe you.

Appreciated would be the fact that I have succulent hips and
noticed would be the fact that sometimes those hips have bones, that they liked to be grasped.
That occasionally you should leave bruises - because I like reminders of where your hands have been.

Appreciated would be that I have soft skin.
Noticed would be that I like to be kissed there - on my skin - on any visible piece.  

Maybe one day you'll notice..
I'll never stop hoping.

Barely 8 in the morning and already thoughts of you dominate my mind.
When I think of you, I smell citrus and see summer.
I see warmth and lazy smiles.
I see clear blue water, like the colour of your eyes.
There's a second son on earth and I know that that son is you.

When I dream of you, I see winter and wool blankets. I see the frostbite melt away in the warmth of our intertwined fingers.
I hear the silence, beautiful in all its noiselessness - like your voice.

When I speak of you, I see spring - where everything must blossom again.
I see bright colours and they remind me of your soul.
The words that tumble from my lips are 'beautiful, tender; strong' and although I describe the trees, in my mind I see only you.

While autumn being being beautiful and all, I don't see you there. I don't hear you there either.
In autumn you are summer and in winter you are spring.

Its you, and only you who to my heart on any day can all these seasons bring.

I feel like a green robot at 1 in the morning
There's nobody to stand by and admire how he stands tall and shines his green light proudly, no one but the tattooed drag racers who don't even stop to appreciate him, who fly past without a care.

I feel like that green robot who once was proud and tall, unashamed of his brightness but with time and no proper care began to fade, the yellow paint that was once cheery now peeled and chipped at its dull corners and he no longer stands tall but shriveled and bent like an old man.

You see, like me, something was stolen from him by the conceited, power hungry society we're surrounded by.

life.

I dreamt of you again.. Of your sweet morphine laced lips and your ice cold breath.

I dreamt of the sound of your whispered words at 3:30am.
I felt the same warmth spread through my veins as it did when I still had you.

I dreamt of our bittersweet memories and oh how they ****** me now.
Your hands, the scent on your skin. Your body against mine.
How you would lean towards me and allow me to kiss your forehead and then briefly lock your lips with mine.

I dreamt of our sunset to sunrise conversations. The promises made, the vows said.
How you would draw me in to your chest. Gaze into mine with those sea green eyes and say: 'I need you'
Your smile connected to the strings of my heart and my favourite words were 'I love you'

Then I woke up, terrified. I searched for you on your side of our bed, and I found cold sheets.
And I remembered.
Two months ago in May.

Your favourite flowers were to be placed on your headstone today.

I don't have any rights to you.
Your mind, your body, your soul.
But I want them all

I want to write your name 4000 times over and over again throughout the day without feeling as if I have committed a sin.
Simply because you'd  be  mine.

You're like a 3rd degree burn, scorched across my battered heart.
And I'm afraid only your arms can act as a healing balm.

I was searching, all this time for someone who could destroy my demons, destroy the beasts that ruled from within, reason with the masters of my enslaved heart bound and gagged in their chains.

Searching, driving myself insane, seeking relief, any kind of temporary distraction.

I had been searching and searching, driven to the edge of madness, two steps from falling, crashing straight into my black abyss.

When I was pulled back, saved, barely grasped by my fingertips from my impending doom, by the realization that I was searching not for someone who could destroy my demons, But rather for someone whose demons could collide with mine, whose demons could tame and weaken the beasts within me, someone whose demons were compatible with mine.

Today I heard the words
I'd been waiting to hear for 34 days
But they weren't from your lips
and it wasn't your voice
that carried the short string of words to my ear.

Yes, they were beautiful.
but
he's
just
not
you.

and
While I tried to keep my heart
from breaking..
I shattered his.

1:48am.
I'm wide awake
and I shouldn't be.
Thoughts of you run endlessly through my mind
and I can't possibly shut my eyes when you're so close to me.
I've only gotten about half an hour of sleep and my eyes burn
but my mind soldiers on.

1:50am.
All I want is you here,
really here.
Not just in my head
but at the very end of my fingertips.
Where I can
breathe
you
in.

1:58am.
But I'm breathing you out, you should be fading - but you don't.
Your voice.
Your hands.
Your piercing blue eyes.
Your lips.

You.

You.

You.

You.

5am.*
Where  did  the  time  go?

He filled my days with midnight
and my midnights with summer.

We looked
We didn't speak,
But our eyes did.

When you look at me
I'm not sure I understand what your eyes are trying to tell me.
But
Please don't stop looking at me
because I'm afraid I'll stop trying to understand.

When you stand so close to me
my knees turn to water.
But
Please come a little closer,
the distance between us
makes them weak anyway.

When you speak
the butterflies in my stomach flutter wildly and seek for an escape
But
Please don't stop speaking,
when you are silent
they grow stiff and turn grey.

Please
gaze at me a little longer,
stand a little closer,
& utter words of poetry
For my heart only beats and pumps without those things.
But
with them
It starts and it stops.
Beats and thuds and flutters.
Smiles and laughs and cries.

Breathes.

I came to the realization that: we're all just alone. We're all just kids searching for a little love, a little appreciation.

I also came to the realization that most promises made, are promises not kept.

No one is actually ever there for you. It's easier said than done, you know - being there.
No one to hold your hand, to hold it tight and tell you it's going to be okay.
Who dabs at the small pool that forms under your eyes when you finally feel as if it's not actually okay?
When your heart is broken, pounding in its cavity and your lungs have collapsed, drowning in sorrow and pain; whose arms wrap around you and hold it all together?
At night when you're laying in your dark room, curtains drawn from the world, staring at your dusty ceiling and that little voice is telling you how wrong you are, how worthless, how useless, how imperfect. Who tells you it's not true? That it's really all lies?
When you stare at your broken body through the mirror above your bathroom sink and you cry, horrified at what lies before you, who draws you in and tells you that you're beautiful?

When you're wishing for a plane to fall out of the sky and flatten you, for a car to momentarily veer off its path and crash into you. A stray bullet, a case of mistaken identity. All for release - however short.
The thoughts racing through you mind telling you this is how it should be, who tells you that you're worth it, that you mean something? That it will get better?
That you can make it?

What I'm trying to say is - you're with you 24/7.  You hold your own hand, wrap your scar possessed arms around your throbbing chest. You battle with yourself at night.
Only you are ever truly there for you.

Hold on. Be strong.
Take care of those beautiful eyes, that beautiful mind.
Be proud of who you are.

Nights when I can't sleep,
I write poetry.
I guess I should have a piece every night then,
but I don't.

Sometimes my mind conjures beautiful words that float around my brain, unable to be constructed into an equally beautiful sentence.

Then they just disappear,
and I feel empty again.

Its only on nights like these,
where I can see the edge of a star,
a glimpse of the moon
and for a moment,
I feel hopeful.

that sleep will come again,
that my thoughts will finally rest.

I tried to make a list of things that didn't make sense.
I ran out of paper the first hour I spent.

And maybe I'm afraid.
Afraid of so many things.
I'm afraid of letting someone in,
afraid that I'll be torn up from the inside again.

But I let you in.

And I shouldn't have expected anything different

But I did.

It was worse than before though.
I just don't know why.

Maybe it was your smile,
or the sound of your voice
when you lied
and said you would never hurt me.

Funny thing is
I'd heard those words before,
but when you spoke them it was as if they were in a different language,
one I didn't understand.

*And so I believed you.

I guess I just wanted someone I could share my thoughts with.
Someone who would tell me I wasn't crazy.

Crazy for falling for someone, over and over again.
Crazy for trusting again and again and again.

Crazy for expecting something different every time I let someone in.
Crazy for being terrified of the pain that I was continuously put in.

Crazy for loving even when I was hated. Crazy for forgiving even when I was not the one who was mistaken.

Crazy for trying when it wasn't appreciated,
Crazy for giving and never taking.

But I guess what I really wanted was someone to tell me how crazy I actually was.
Tell me I was being weak & not strong.
For someone to just tell me that it was them not me who was wrong.

I kept seeing his eyes.
The way his nose set in his face.
The curve of his lips, the corners of his mouth when he smiled.

It was as if I couldn't think of anything else but that particular shade of blue and the secrets they hid beneath them.

As if his smile could tell me more about him than his voice ever could.

I kept seeing his fingers, the way they connected to his hands.
And I thought of the things that could be said with them, the things that could be felt.

And I knew I was getting ahead of myself because I hadn't even spoken to him.
I knew that the hours left till I saw him again would feel like years.
But I knew I  would take those years, take them doubled and tripled just for another glimpse, another fleeting moment of his eyes meeting mine.

My love is an ocean and I
am the woman who stands in its depths,
let me embrace you.
Unless you fear my love to be
too deep
too strong

And you seek that of another,
go call to the girl who stands on the shore,
with her toes in the sand,
let her bathe you in the
excess of my love
the tide brings in.

If I write you poetry, can I take pieces of your heart?
I promise you can have whats left of mine..
Maybe if we join those pieces together we could feel..
complete

You drive me crazy, but its okay because I know I drive you crazy too.
But its the kind of crazy
that makes a grey sky
seem blue.
A kind of crazy that makes traffic on a Friday afternoon pass at the speed of light..
because
I'm with you.

It's been a month
an entire month of doing abolutely nothing.
30 days and not once have I attempted to describe the texture of your hands on my skin or the sound of your voice.

The dark color of your eyes or the freedom that rests in the palms of your hands.
The feeling of being enfolded while being completely free in your arms.
The magic that lies at the end of your fingertips.

The sledgehammer rhythm of your heart and the peace it instills in mine.
the beauty of your smile and the gentle tone to your laugh.
Your lips warm and soft - a healing ritual when they meet mine.

All these things I have failed to describe, to write down - afraid to allow them to creep to the front of my mind and take over. Because that's what thoughts of you do - invade my mind and nestle into every nook and cranny of my ocean deep thoughts and troubles.

And now, I miss you.

When I'm lost, I look to you to find me.
When my mind wanders, my thoughts drift to you.

When I'm broken, I seek your arms to scoop my pieces up and glue them together.
My ears are attuned to your voice and it acts as the thread that stitches my frail heart together again.

Your hands are the best kind of distraction even when all they do is join the scattered freckles across my cheeks.

Your lips trail pathways across my scarred arms to a milky way filled with stars and moonlight.

Your eyes are deep oceans that I get lost into every time your nose rubs mine.

You're a wonderland but I'm merely a tourist.

Maybe it makes me feel good.
When your hands tighten around my waist - when they hold everything together,
when I feel like I
could
just
fall
apart.

My heart beats really fast, almost right out of its cavity
but when my chest reaches yours and our hearts almost..
connect
It slows right down again
almost
to
a
standstill.

Yes, I like you.
My feelings go a little deeper than that.

But I'm afraid to tell you because

I have a few extra inches on my waist
I don't have a gap between my thighs.
Sometimes when I speak my double chin pops out.
And my cheek bones don't protrude from my face.

It shouldn't matter though
Because those things don't affect the way I feel.

When you look into my brown eyes, you can still read the novels of my life and my lips can still recite the poetry about your smile.
My hands can still keep yours warm and our bodies can fit together perfectly, almost be mistaken as one.

The size of my jeans won't affect my voice when I tell you how you make me feel, or the way the sun just doesn't shine as bright when you're around.

It doesn't make me different.
It doesn't make me strange.
It simply means there's more of me for you to love.

I saw it,
I saw it all.

I saw how you would ask me,
Clear eyes cast down, glancing at the ground.
Your soft voice stammering, mumbling about things completely irrelevant to what you were trying to ask.
How your hands would tremble, then suddenly grasp mine.
How you would look up with conviction and stare into my eyes.
Look deep within and ask :
Will you be mine?

I didn't think about how I would reply - I'd imagined it countless times.
I've always been yours.

I saw how we would waste time together.
Your head on my lap, my fingers running through your brown hair.
Talking about silly things like my love of poetry and your hatred of books.

I saw you falling asleep
as I read you poetry.
I saw how my eyes would glaze over as you spoke animatedly about the engines of cars and bikes.

Saw how you would roll your eyes when you finally realised
I just wasn't listening anymore

I saw our intertwined hands and how they gripped each other tightly as if we were afraid we'd let go and lose each other.

I saw the first kiss, how my knees turned to water as your hands encircled my waist.
Your sharp intake of breath as my hand touched your cheek, how you closed your eyes and let your head fall back slightly.

How everything dissipated as my lips reached yours.
I swear I even experienced the hunger, the desire, the greed, the need for more.

I even saw how safe I would feel if I had you by my side.
I saw how I was made of metal and you of magnet.
How my pieces would drag across the earth to rejoin whenever you held me close.

I even heard the first i love you how you whispered my name as my eyes read sonnets in yours.

I see many things.
Just not many that are real.

I hear sadness behind that laugh,
long dreary depression in that heart.
I see pain, such hurt in those eyes.
A slowness in your movement,
the frantic processing of cruel,
twisted thoughts in your lies.
The longing in your voice,
so sharp and distinguished to my experienced ears - fall on the deaf ones of those whom which you crave love.
From whom you wish to vanquish your fears.

You desire love, but from those who are not willing to give.
You push away those whose love to you - they feely give.
The darkness in your life so blinds you, that you allow it to take your light.
You become so accustomed to the dark that whoever comes bearing light, is scowled upon and chased away, forced to dissipate into the night.

Your one sided mind and your naïve, twisted perception,
can only leave you alone,
maybe then you'll have time for some self reflection.
To see all you've lost,
all that you continue to lose.
Open your heart,
open it wide,
let it be love that you choose.