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10 months later
And people assume that I should be done healing
They forget to ask me how I'm doing
They seem somewhat annoyed when I mention you
And maybe it's because they've never had their hearts broken like this

But I?
I have to start all over everytime a holiday passes and it's the first time I'm not spending it with you
I have to start all over everytime something important happens and I have to remind myself that I can't call you to tell you

Every morning I have to start all over because even my dreams don't know how to let you go
Here I am.
And I don't understand how that could be.
Savannah Charlish ©
The heartbreak
When "Is"
She always said
"I love you"
What a paradox
When an old lover
Meets the life that continued after it left

You sat in front of me
As we discussed what happened after we gave up on each other
And all the things that you would've been the first to know
I now keep to myself
You're good with people
Polite and considerate
You filter to save the awkwardness that follows honesty
You're very likable and easy to be around

I'm blunt and too straight forward
I offend a lot of people and quite often
My opinions are matter of fact and I act like I know everything when I don't mean to

It's quite the miracle that you love me
Because most people don't
Oh my darling
If only you could see
Everything I admire
When you look at me
There are stars in your eyes
And constellations make up your mind
You're lost because you want to be normal
But God gave you a different mold
And you don't understand
That, that doesn't mean
You're not beautiful
Boys have abused you
To believe a women's love might cure you
Yet you're still left feeling empty
Because what society tells you
You realize has no meaning
You cry to a God
Whose promised you love and healing
But you think he doesn't hear you
Because you believe you don't deserve that love

I listen to you talk
About all the things that hurt
And I feel myself breaking
When there is no emotion in your words

Cause don't you get it?
Can't you see?
All the love that surrounds you?
How much you mean to me?
Some of me wants to shake you
Yell at you and scream
Until you understand
The worth of your being
And yet I wish to hold you
And catch all of your tears
Help you remember
That I am always near
And to remind you
All the people who would care
If you one day decided
That you no longer belonged here

I know that it's not easy
But no one said it was
So next time you get close
To giving up your life
Remember all the angels
Who stopped you all those times
And if you think of me
Know how much I love you
So much that it hurts
And there is a God who loves
An infinite times more
I doubt you remember
That three years ago today
You convinced me to make the best decision of my life
I allowed in the best thing that ever happened to me

I tasted your lips for the first time
It was 10 degrees outside but my body had never felt so warm
I didn't tell you then
But I was head over heels from that first kiss

Happy Anniversary baby
I hope your new girlfriend treats you well on the day that used to be ours
It's so silly to me
That I can't just call you and say that I miss you
And then call you the next night to tell you I'm over you
I hate that I can't pull you along these tidal waves of emotion that all trace back to you
Because I could call you
Read you all the poems that put into words what I cannot
Sing you the songs I cry to because nothing can drown out the silence of the space you used to fill
Keep you up all night so you know how it feels to never get sleep because you're plagued with memories and strategies to get them back
I dial your number all the time
To tell you all this because it's so ****** silly to keep it all in

But then your response?
Well the fear of what you might say stops me
In that one second of our hands letting go, I became overwhelmed with the realization that I was losing you.

It wasn't until that moment that I realized when my fingers were begging you to stay and you took your hand away from mine that I knew you no longer loved me.

And like your presence that haunts me, your fingers remain a ghost where they should be interlocked with mine.
Savannah Charlish ©
This is a happy poem.
Because not enough poems are happy.
And I need something happy,
To feel better today.
So this,
Is a happy poem.
Funny, isn't it?

How I can tell complete strangers words I can barely utter to myself
Yet I hide the greatest secrets from the ones I trust the most
My mind is worse than wonderland

If you fall in
There's no getting out
Her love reminded him of a meteor shower.
She rarely fell and the only glimpses he caught were the shooting stars in her eyes on random nights.
But then, all of sudden, if you got lucky....
She fell all at once. Every beautiful piece of her lighting the sky.
It was terrifying and magical to watch each piece of her fall into his sky.
The sun has always been in love with the stars.
This is your last poem my love
You have taken enough of my words and I will now give them to someone else
Eternity will read of you but I no longer love you
I have let you go

So go
Chase your dreams and conquer your demons
Fill your soul with unimaginable joy
We are no longer tied together
I have cut the last string
There is nothing left of us

But if you ever get lost
And look back to the moments in which you loved me
Remember it always as time when you were so tenderly and unconditionally
You were my
"All or nothing"

I gave you my all
And you left me with nothing
She was a hard pill to swallow
She could watch you and tell you all the things hidden deep in your soul
She went to parties merely for the chance to fill someone with liquor and have them to pour out their heart
But the truth is her eyes could get you to tell her anything
She had no problem swimming in the truth
She asked me once what she didn't know about me
I asked what she already knew
And as she laid out all of my secrets on the table
I grabbed another beer
"Did you ever think just maybe-"

"Yes. All the time."
They sat at the big bay windows
Her head resting against it like a pillow
He watched her
While she watched the rain
He wished for the courage
To grab her hand and take her out to dance
She looked over at him
And knowingly smiled at his hopeful glance
She looked back to the rain
And slid her hand in his
Because though she loved to dance
He did not know the songs she sung in her head
I know you think of me

But does it leave you breathless-
Imagining me with someone else?

Are you left crumbled up-
Sobbing on your bedroom floor?

Does it hit you out of nowhere-
And you're left wrought with regret and wonder?

I know you think of me-
But do you miss me?
I think reason why she was so misunderstood was because when she looked at things,
She saw the millions of lives affected by it
Where she picks up an ancient book and can't help but imagine the author writing it at the middle of night with tired hands and hardly any ink left with a candle barely burning

Other people see collected dust
You told me I was as subtle as a gun
But it was you who kept pulling the trigger
And you left holes in my chest
I can't touch my heart with running into bullet fragments you left behind
"Why is the ocean blue?"

I took in a salty breath before I replied.

*Well, wouldn't you be crying all the time if the world expected you to carry all its sadness?
These words that paint the paper
Ache with your memory
My body aches for your hands
While your ghost taunts me
I find you most often in the memories you wish I would forget
I held my pen
Like I once held you

And while I wept over the loss of you
A smile broke through my tears for all that my poetry had to gain
The only thing that's left of us
Are the poems I read
That I feel explain the things about us I never could

Where I used to hear your words
I can only hear you
Through the broken hearts of others
I can taste the sandwiches
Filled with sand
I can smell the house
That I called home for a short time
The sound of the ocean outside of the window
The touch of sheets that lulled me to sleep

And your voice echoing through all of the memories.
Savannah Charlish ©
Mama said don't play with fire
But you were so enticing
I had to know what it was like
To let your flames consume me
You were like a bandaid. You protected the most vulnerable spots of me. You wrapped yourself around my body, always taking care of me. You never let any of the bad things come in and hurt me. Even when the cuts weren't that bad I still needed you to be okay. Because just you being there made it all hurt less. And I was so grateful to you.

Then one day I looked to find comfort in your presence and you were gone.
Savannah Charlish ©
You remind me of the rain
Poetic. Beautiful.
Silent yet deafening.
Something I have always been fond of yet feel engulfed by loneliness when I am in its company.

You remind me of the rain.
Beautiful and tragic.
I can't comprehend how you are both but you are.

Both beautiful,
and tragic.
Savannah Charlish ©
There are so many words tucked inside my heart
I am not sure how to get them all out
Some of them are terrifyingly true
Some are beautiful thoughts about you

They're the words that stampede my head
When you turn and look at me
And my lips quiver begging for your kiss

They're the things my hands cry
When your body is wonderfully close to mine

There are thoughts of love pouring out with my tears
When your company overwhelms me
Because I do not understand how it found me

My spine screams when your fingers are pressed gently against it
My body finds rest at your touch
Desperate that it will never stop

Even in my silence I am always saying something. My body never ceases to stop whispering how there are no words that could encompass the beauty that you are.
Savannah Charlish ©
I don't know...
It would just be nice
If for once
They noticed my heart or my mind
Before my body...
You know?
"Have you ever fallen in love?"*

And instead of being able to say any words, my heart stumbled across you for the first time in a long time. And our memories began to play in my mind. I could hear your laugh and run my fingers through your hair. I could feel my favorite shirt of yours that I always used to wear. My neck tingled as it reminisced the way you'd kiss it. Goosebumps covered my arms as if you were there, gently stroking them and whispering mumbled words into my ear.

"Yes, I have been in love."

"What was it like when you said it?"

*"I never did."
I hear your faint whisper
From in between these bed sheets
Taunting me always
With the memory of you

I liked to think we weren't fools
For believing it could've worked
But then again
This bed was too small
And my love was too big
Before I met you
I never thought I'd find someone who responds to small questions with large answers
Because you know the little details are important and you want to be honest and not leave anything out

Before I met you
I didn't think someone could listen as well as they talked
You love to listen but I love the sound of your voice
You don't like asking questions and I never can decide on a answer
But you're still the only person I never want to stop talking to
Because you're the only person I know who likes conversations just the way I do

Before I met you
I let men cut corners on things I loved because I thought I loved them
But then you came along
And showed me that all the things I thought I didn't need
Were the things always missing
I want to fall in love with you
I so desperately do
But unfortunately there were men who came before you that wrecked my heart
And ever since then I haven't been able to love the way I want to
(The way I know I could)

I will give you my heart
But only if you can make the promise this is the last time I give it away
I fell apart
Not in someone's arms
Not because someone broke me
But for me
Because I needed to collapse
To start over again
And in your absence
Something incredible happened

I fell in love with myself
The greatest sin of human kind was setting standards in which humans aren't allowed to be brutally honest with the world around them
You deserve better.

*Yes, possibly.
                   But better is quite terrifying to me.
Any day could be awful
Every moment unbearable
But it never mattered because then I remembered you were mine
And everything got better again.

I miss that.
Savannah Charlish ©
I've spent my entire life being uninvited, ignored and never included

But now?
My loneliness is a choice
Because even though they're all begging for my attention

They are the ones who taught to me travel alone
They spewed rumors like sparks

So I turned into flames

I engulfed them with my self-love

And burned out all their hate
It's a blessing and a curse...
To feel all the things people feel around you,
And to feel them as deeply as they do.*

And today,
I am just trying to remember that it's a blessing too.
And that's the worst part
When I wake up and remember what happened
All the memories flood back in
And I'm blinded by the fact that I've lost the most important thing to me

And I don't even know why
"Nothing in this world can be broken and beautiful at the same time. It's either breath-taking or tragic." ...........
*But that is what poetry is. How something heart wrenching can be turned into a lullaby. How being alone can be turned into comfort with the right words. How you have so many cracks but love so fearlessly. There is so much beauty in that, that I cannot help but weep.
I'm not sure exactly when it started
I just can't remember the last time I wasn't tired
I am always sad
Even in the moments I am overfilled with joy
I am quickly reminded that it will end
Everyone will go separate directions
And I must try to find a new moment

I am always sad
Like a bird in a cage
Who keeps singing a
beautiful song anyways
It’s taken me a year to get over you
God, I’ve wasted too much time on you
There are so many things I wish I could say to your face
Like how you drive me crazy
You’re selfish and immature
Hypocritical and scared
Couldn’t even face me
When you walked away
Thought I would be okay
Had no reason to say it to my face
But oh well
Cause you’re pathetic and lame
No girl should ever love you
A liar and a cheater
Just playing the game
And I’ve found someone new
Someone you can’t ever be compared to
He’s wonderful and great
And sometimes I wonder
When I’m holding his hand
That I forget it’s him
And picture you instead
Look all you’ve done to me
And I still fall at your feet
I just don’t understand
If I’m better off
Then why is it me chasing after you?
Savannah Charlish ©
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