Boys taught me if I wasn't beautiful
Then I was nothing
They abused my emotions
Until I did whatever the hell it took
To become whatever attractive was
I've been told that I am now
But I could never explain to you why
They always mention my eyes?

Boys taught me if I wanted to get anywhere in life
Then I needed to manipulate their desires
So they'd fall into a trap
And feel things that could never be fulfilled
They trained me to walk and smile a certain way
So I could get what I needed
As they held it in their hands

Boys taught me that my body is the greatest feature I could ever offer
Bottle up any emotions
Because they'd rather not deal with mine
Because feeling is scary
And girls are supposed to be easy
They'd make me dependent
Without taking any responsibility for my mental well-being

Sure
Girls are insane
But wouldn't you be too
If you had the weight of man's world
Suffocating you?

Sure
Girls are crazy
But wouldn't you be too
If your whole life you were taught that you wouldn't be hurt
If you were beautiful
But when you become beautiful
It becomes their greatest form of abuse?

I think I need to let go
Of ever believing that someone will love me
With the same depth and intensity as I love
That they will recognize the weight
Of the words
"I love you"
And all the promises they make when they proclaim that to me

And that's what scares me
The fact that I'm accustomed to loving people beyond any level than they know how to love
I've spent my life forgiving and pouring out second chances when there were none left to give
Because that's how it works
When you love someone the way I do
And it's easy for me because I've never been loved that way
Until you

And quite frankly,
That's terrifying

I watched one am turn into two am
And then three crept around the corner
That's when I knew I was a poet
Because poets are slaves to the night

The worst part about sadness
Is it convinces you no one understands your pain
It makes you forget
That sadness is company everybody knows
Very deeply and all too well

I drank too much and played too many sad songs and cried too hard
Just because I wanted you

As simple,
And complicated,
As that was

Being broken is not
Beautiful
Or glamorous
Or desirable
This mess I am is not worth wanting
I am only a master of words
Searching for ones that might express the lonliness burning in my brain

My broken pieces that dwindle down my spine dragging me to the floor are not something to idolize

It's poetic
And poems are the tragedies that remind us not everyone gets to escape

It's so silly to me
That I can't just call you and say that I miss you
And then call you the next night to tell you I'm over you
I hate that I can't pull you along these tidal waves of emotion that all trace back to you
Because I could call you
Read you all the poems that put into words what I cannot
Sing you the songs I cry to because nothing can drown out the silence of the space you used to fill
Keep you up all night so you know how it feels to never get sleep because you're plagued with memories and strategies to get them back
I dial your number all the time
To tell you all this because it's so ****** silly to keep it all in

But then your response?
Well the fear of what you might say stops me
Every.
Single.
Time.