I listed
Out loud
All the things I loved about you

And in return
All I got was your silence

I guess at the end of the day
What I really wanted
Was to be enough for someone
For a person to look at me and think
"Her? I couldn't live without her. If not for her; none of it would mean anything"

I guess I just wanted someone to love me
The way that I had loved them

No
It wasn't a boy
Or the envy of others
Or even the experience of success over failure

It was me
Alone
Next to the ocean
Completely undone
And stripped dry to the bones
That's where I discovered
Peace truly exists

Everyone watched her
Unable to take their eyes off the view
And the terrifying thing about her
Was that she knew
*And she didn't care

You make me lose my words
No one has ever done that before

I could pretend we never happened
I could lie and tell myself
You never really cared
But honestly,
What's the point in that?
Because You did love me
And now you don't
And even though that's a terrifying thought
It's the truth
Your love was necessary in my life for a time
And it no longer is
There was a time where you lifted all my burdens
And then there was a time that you became the heaviest one
I am better for being loved by you
And I am better for loving you even when you never deserved it
Your presence was once freeing
And now your absence is
I found myself in you
And above all,
I still love myself without you

Tonight I was looked at
The way I always looked at you
And I don't know how you did it
Because I could never walk away from love like that

Isn't it funny
How much we can love the wrong person
As if they were the right one all the while

I let you become my world
I called you home
And when you left
I didn't know where to go

So I ran to the streets of France
And climbed the hills of Italy
I swam with mermaids in the  Mediterranean
And found secrets in the countryside of Ireland

I walked where kings walked
Traced the footsteps of men who changed the world
I fell in love with places
And was overwhelmed with the kindness of strangers

And when I stood at the top of the world
I was humbled at its size
And discovered what a small piece you are
Of my grand story

And in your absence
Something incredible happened

I fell in love with myself

My life is a silly collection of misplaced tragedies

Loves that's should've been but didn't
Men I couldn't want but did
Loves that did but not enough to stay

You stand too close
And I can barely breathe
As your fingers secretly tickle the small of my back
I try to act as if you have no power at all
Praying that you don't feel the goose bumps arising from your touch
But things are complicated
And I'm not supposed to want you

But oh
How desperately I crave you

I saw you
And I just knew

*I was in for one hell of a ride

You left me
To become one of them
But the irony is
They're all desperately searching
To find what you and I had

I fell apart at the idea of losing you
And then I lost you
Turns out,

I'm doing just fine

And so now you become a ghost
I will carry the scars you left behind
Other men will try to kiss them away
But you left permanent marks on my heart
You will be the answer
When I explain my hesitancy to trust
My unwillingness to open up
My tendency to run away from love
The man you used to be
The boy you are now
The person you will become
I will never be able to escape
The ghost that you left behind

I'm wrestling with never wanting to be touched again
And the desire to be in love again

I am an open book
Except I'm like War and Peace

80% of people look at me and assume it's just not worth the effort
15% read the first three pages and then change their mind
5% commit to actually reading the whole thing
And only 1% of them would say they loved the book

Don't look at her
And wish you were "that pretty"
Don't admire the way they all stare
And wish you weren't in her shadow
Don't envy her face or her body
And believe that she's got it made

Because the secret she'd never tell you is
The center of attention
Is very lonely too

That's my favorite thing about writing
In all the ways that it heals you
It breaks you open as well
There's no lying
You can't hide from yourself
Everything is laid out on the page

Bare, vulnerable and brutally honest

That was our tragedy
I loved you so much
I chose you over me every ****** time
And you loved me too
Just not enough to stay

Oh baby
Didn't you know?
There's no erasing me

I can never expect
For you to come back and beg for what you threw away
I can only try to ignore
The magnetic pull that drags me to you

I let his lips touch me where yours used to
I let his hands grab what belonged to you
I let his arms hold me the way you loved to

I let him lie with me the way you promised we'd lay forever
I let him whisper nothings that I didn't listen to
I let him

And that's the worst of it all
It was him,
Not you
And I let him

You ruined me
Before you,
I handed out kisses like candy
I was detached
Distant
Dispassionate

But you rooted yourself so deep into my heart
That I can't dig you out
And I hear your voice taunting,
"Him? Seriously?"
I see the hair on your neck rise in jealousy
But you don't get to be jealous
Because you left me

But what does matter?
Because I'm still hopelessly in love with all that we were
So if I can't have you
Then I'd rather have nothing at all

That's the thing about poets
Where others see a storm
We are reminded that our hearts are not alone in their torment
Where others hear rain
We hear the whispers of a thousand forgotten dreams
Where others feel cold
We feel ice piercing into our souls making us bleed out all of our secrets

That's the thing about poets
Only the beautifully tragic can understand them

In all the pain that comes with missing you
I smile and breathe
Because you'll never be able to escape the story of you and me
I know your answer
To every question they could ever ask

*"Her name was Savannah."

Oh you imbecile
Were you so blind to the treasure you had
That you refused to see all the men lining up
Ready to take your spot?

When people read our story
They all will see
That I was the girl who loved too poetically
And you were the fool for leaving

When I thought of happiness
You were always the definition
But now when people ask me
I smile and say,
"It's loving my own existence"

You said forever
And your eyes made me think you meant it
So I gave you what no one's got before
I believed that if did
There was no way that you could leave

But now I stand on my porch
And watch as you never looked back

Mama said don't play with fire
But you were so enticing
I had to know what it was like
To let your flames consume me

I know you're trying to erase me
But unfortunately for you
I wrote it all down in permanent ink

As I watched you leave
I prepared myself for the colossal crash
And the sound of shattering glass against pavement
That always followed heartbreak

But there was no sound
No crash
Just the feeling of freedom
Whispering revelation into my ear

I clung to you like a drowning person does to air
And in the chaos of it all
There was a moment that I realized
Hanging on wasn't worth the fight anymore
And I let go

I always thought the reason you left was because I wasn't good enough
That I didn't give you any reasons to stay
But that wasn't it all
You're just a coward
Too afraid to stand by what you believe in
And the person who loved you more than all the other cowards you surrounded yourself with

I could have it worse
I could wake up each morning as you
Going through the day knowing I am
Stupid and horribly obnoxious

Oh how you've humbled me
Before you I believed I was like Hercules
But now
I work desperately to forgive you
So I don't have to lose you
Even though you're the one killing me

I like this place
A secret where I can write all my hidden thoughts
I never have to speak my shameful burdens aloud
To those who know me best
Because I find comfort in knowing
That thousands of strangers
Are where these troubles rest

I am posed with the question
of what is worse
The hurt of being with you
Or the pain of being
Without you

I don't know if it's due to an unbelievable strength
Or just a irrefutable stubbornness that refuses to let me go
Maybe it's both

But try as hard as you might,
You will not be the reason I fall apart
You will not even have the privilege  of being mentioned when I tell my story

What's this feeling called
When your gut is sitting in your throat
And something feels like it's horribly wrong
As if you're about to get in trouble
Or you know you're about to be dumped
But everything is fine
And nothing falls apart

What causes this terror in my bones
That has no reason for being there
But sits whispering,
"You shouldn't be so sure"

I spoke in novels
And you responded with punctuation

It's the moment alone
When the tears come down
That we have to make a choice
Do we convince ourselves that we have no one
Or do we fall apart and trust there will be someone there to catch the pieces?

He said to me,

"The reason you find yourself alone so much is because you are truth, where people want to turn a blind eye.
You're a constant reminder of the things that they're terrified to say and so instead of loving you,
They run away and say nothing at all."

It's not that I want to be alone
I just don't know how to not be this way