There's something about him
That catches my eye
I don't know what it is
That makes me think about his smile
Every time I close my eyes
But all these feelings
I felt them once before
I'm so used to being alone
I don't think I could remember how to love someone
They way that they deserve
He really is something special
And I hope that he finds someone who will love him truly
With no restraints on their heart
Because even though I love him
I would tear him apart

I'm not quiet
Or mysterious.
I love to laugh loudly
That is all I know how to be
Loud.
Wild.
Vulnerable.
I will never be a quiet girl.
I never will simply agree
Anything can be an argument with me.
But oh how I can love
You see
Us serious girls
The ones who talk to much without thinking
The ones who have so many layers that they never stop being new.
When we fall in love
We can love with such an intensity
That you'll want to run
But it's much too addicting.
So you stay taking everything in
We're right between here and there
And you'll pray that we decide to never go anywhere

Words don't capture the depth of love I feel for you so I won't even try to explain it; just look into my eyes and then you will see how much there is for you.

He just wants to be friends.
I'm okay.
       I'm okay.
             I'm okay.
You're never enough.*
I'm okay.
       I'm okay.
            I'm okay.
Look at how broken you are.
I'm okay.
      I'm okay.
           I'm okay.
Stupid girl. Your dreams are too big.
I'm okay.
      I'm okay.
           I'm okay.
Silly girl, you can't hold your tears in forever.
I'm okay.
       I'm okay.
            I'm okay.
No one loves you.
I'm okay.
       Ill pull myself together.
                              I'm always okay.

"Why am I never enough?" She whispered. I was lying close enough to taste the beer on her lips and see the tears forming in her eyes. "What am I doing wrong?"

"Sometimes the ocean terrifies people because of the depth it carries. They dip a toe in and believe they have experienced all that it offers... And you my dear, are very much like the ocean."

I miss you so my heart aches.

But today I realized you don't miss me.

I think I literally felt it break.

And you don't even care.

My words are drunk
But you are the truth said
When courage is given
To the speechless.

I feel sad.
And there are so many reasons,
That I actually can't tell you why.

I still miss you.

How do you still haunt me?
How do you still remain so faithfully in my memories?
How do I still taste your lips?
How do I still hear your voice ringing in my ears?

I still miss you.
How can I still miss you?

Here I am.
Seventeen.
And I don't understand how that could be.

I don't feel like myself
I can't decide whether I have changed
Or everything around me has
I don't believe that it could be both

I feel my heart beating against my chest
My body trembles, terrified from the demons running wild in my head
My eyes are crying but i feel nothing at all
No breath enters my lungs
And I cling to the wall

I don't feel like myself
And to be honest
I haven't for awhile

There are so many words tucked inside my heart
I am not sure how to get them all out
Some of them are terrifyingly true
Some are beautiful thoughts about you

They're the words that stampede my head
When you turn and look at me
And my lips quiver begging for your kiss

They're the things my hands cry
When your body is wonderfully close to mine

There are thoughts of love pouring out with my tears
When your company overwhelms me
Because I do not understand how it found me

My spine screams when your fingers are pressed gently against it
My body finds rest at your touch
Desperate that it will never stop

Even in my silence I am always saying something. My body never ceases to stop whispering how there are no words that could encompass the beauty that you are.

Was she there for you those nights
You cried for every reason why?
Was she there to listen
To all the darkness concealed within your soul?
Does she love you without boundaries?
With every inch of her being?
I did all that I could
My heart was put in the palm of your hand
And even when things were scary
I didn't ask for it back
I showed her how to love you
Because while you were loving her
I was loving you
So it seems like you're happy
And don't notice how you make me cringe
Years of friendship
Were thrown away
Because you're to self centered to see any
Of all the pain you cause me

You were the first to see
Every single piece of me
And for some reason you stayed
But she slowly dragged you away

So was she there for you?
Is she everything you dreamed?
I don't see how she could be
Because the second things are frightening
You find your way back to me

To say I miss you would not be enough.
The way you laugh
The way you smile
The way you smell
The way you taste
It is still so present to me my heart aches for you
Every inch of your being
Even though I have seen the worst of you
And I have been at the receiving end of that dark side
I love you with everything in my soul
Please love me
Please look past the cracks you leave
Past the pain you inflict and the walls you help build

Please love me
The air is sweeter when you're near
And to say I need you is a understatement
The word "need" cannot comprehend the longing I feel for you and everything that you are.

There is something about the rain that has never made any sense to me. The way it gracefully hits the pavement yet is capable of destroying beautiful things. I don't understand how you can dance in it or have your tears hidden in it. I often try to be cheerful in the presence of rain but it never fails to make me feel lonely and nostalgic.

I've discovered that rain keeps its company in sadness. And I have found that it's good sometimes...

To be sad.

It was those hours of talking
About things I cannot remember
But knowing I was smiling the whole time
Your words did that to me

It was the way the sun danced in your crystal eyes
How you looked at me when I spoke
The smile that made me think you could love me

It was then
I realized I loved you with every ounce of my being.

You are everything I want to be
Everything I wish I was
And I will never understand
Your complicated soul
I will never get past
The walls around your heart
I know there is a garden hidden behind
There are flowers that poke out through the cracks
Ones that you can't get back

I am just lucky
That you let me keep your walls company
Drawing on the keeper of your soul

This is the last time
You will hold me close
I cannot return
Though for you my heart will always yearn

I cannot express
The extent of my gratefulness
For your unending love
The laughter you brought me
The warmth you filled me with

I hope that life treats you well
In Gods presence you always dwell
I have never been good at goodbyes
I cannot help but cry

I never have the words I want to say
They never come out the right way
So just know how wonderful you are
That you have a special place in my heart

Please never forget me
For I could never forget you
Because darling,
You will always be in my memories.  


*Oaxaca Missions Trip-2013. Thank you for leading me back to Jesus.  Always in my heart, forever in my memories.

There we were, lying in your car.
The music was playing but your eyes held all my attention.
Your smile was deafening and I was left awestruck at the way the setting sun flickered in your eyes.
Not the most magnificent of words could express the wonders of that night.

It was then I realized how beautiful it is, to just simply be with someone.

There are days when I feel sad and lonely.
That no one understands the feelings I have.
I give up trying to explain it to them.

There are days I don't speak to those who love me.
I tell myself that they don't.

There are days that I think of all who failed me.
I relive every failure of mine.

There are days, I feel every pain I have ever felt.

So I write to make it all make sense.
When the rain is outside to keep me company.

I write so that the pain is consuming the paper.
Not me.

Today, is one of those days.

Every single day I wonder about you.

How you are.
Are you well?

                 Who is loving you.
                 Did she make you forget about me?

                                                             If your happy.
                                                             A kind that you have never felt before?

Every single day I wonder about you.
And hope that you wonder about me too.

I am cleaning out my life
Scrubbing clean the corners of my mind
And for the first time
In a long time
I came across you
Your memories are faded
Dust covering the place you take in my heart
A place that hasn't been touched in awhile
Yet still too dear to part
I laughed thinking about you
I smiled at the thought of us
For the first time I wasn't bitter
Nothing I felt was harsh

I put you back in your place
In that small little corner
You will always remain

What am I to do
With all this love I have for you?
For you are so in love with her
I can see that it hurts
Your smile, it is brighter
Your shoulders, they feel lighter
I watch as she comes around the corner
And you head straight toward her
I want you to be happy
That is all I care about  
Even though it kills me
That now I have been kicked out
She takes up all your time
She needs you every minute
Even though she swears
She is independent
So tonight I walk alone
Down the middle of our road
The solid yellow lines
Are blurry in my eyes
Because you should be here with me
Laughing like you did
This shouldn't be our ending
Nothing has been said

I walk by your house
To see you standing there
She is close beside you
You are playing with her hair
The tears they pour down
On our yellow lines
For finally I realized
You were never mine

It’s taken me a year to get over you
God, I’ve wasted too much time on you
There are so many things I wish I could say to your face
Like how you drive me crazy
You’re selfish and immature
Hypocritical and scared
Couldn’t even face me
When you walked away
Thought I would be okay
Had no reason to say it to my face
But oh well
Cause you’re pathetic and lame
No girl should ever love you
A liar and a cheater
Just playing the game
And I’ve found someone new
Someone you can’t ever be compared to
He’s wonderful and great
And sometimes I wonder
When I’m holding his hand
That I forget it’s him
And picture you instead
Look all you’ve done to me
And I still fall at your feet
I just don’t understand
If I’m better off
Then why is it me chasing after you?

You remind me of the rain
Poetic. Beautiful.
Silent yet deafening.
Something I have always been fond of yet feel engulfed by loneliness when I am in its company.

You remind me of the rain.
Beautiful and tragic.
I can't comprehend how you are both but you are.

Both beautiful,
and tragic.

My life has been filled with so many almosts but never enoughs,
That my heart is giving up on ever finding love.
Nothing has ever been special or beautiful or wonderful.

Except for you.
You were always wonderful.

Sometimes I wonder why I hate waiting so much.
I cant stand sitting around for a call from a long-distance friend,
Or a cup of coffee.
Things that I love.
It never used to bother me.
But now? It drives me crazy.

But then I realize,
It's because I went crazy waiting for you.

In that one second of our hands letting go, I became overwhelmed with the realization that I was losing you.

It wasn't until that moment that I realized when my fingers were begging you to stay and you took your hand away from mine that I knew you no longer loved me.

And like your presence that haunts me, your fingers remain a ghost where they should be interlocked with mine.

You were like a bandaid. You protected the most vulnerable spots of me. You wrapped yourself around my body, always taking care of me. You never let any of the bad things come in and hurt me. Even when the cuts weren't that bad I still needed you to be okay. Because just you being there made it all hurt less. And I was so grateful to you.


Then one day I looked to find comfort in your presence and you were gone.

Any day could be awful
Every moment unbearable
But it never mattered because then I remembered you were mine
And everything got better again.


I miss that.

Her eyes were the most exquisite thing he had ever seen. They were a special kind of blue. They reminded him of the sky when there aren't any clouds and the sun is shining and it's the most magnificent blue anyone has ever seen and it goes and goes into all the universe unending.

     -------------------------------------------------------------

An­d when she looked at him, he was left breathless every time.

I do not ask for perfection
For it is not there.

All I want is your love
When times get hard
Or I act cold.

I want you to love me
And never let go.

We all have our secrets
Tucked deep inside our hearts
The thing we are ashamed of
A scar, an unhealed mark
A story written in permanent ink
Locked and sealed
Deep inside of me
Where no one can see
Lost and untold
The story unfolds
And you are left to see
The broken side of me
He was perfect
Everything I dreamed
Everything I needed someone to be
Then he left
And I had to guess
What really made him go
But then I found out those secrets
The details in the fabric
How he really never cared
About my broken heart
That he would come back around
Trying to leave another scar
And when I asked what is all about
He tried to pretend
It meant nothing at all
Even though he said
It was impossible to get me out of his head
And I cried
Because I fell for him all over again
I screamed and threw
Put my fist into a wall
All just to realize
I don’t love him at all
I’ve moved on
Finally
After all of this time
God opened my eyes
Showed me I don’t need you in my life
So let’s just go our separate ways
Our story is coming to an end
I can’t sit and wait forever
Hoping you’ll come back around
I hope life treats you well
But this is our goodbye
And then you’ll be
Just a precious memory
Held deep within me
A secret
My detail in the fabric

I miss the warmth of your embrace
The loving look upon your face
The tenderness in your eyes
I miss the nights
We stayed up until four am
All the sweet secrets
The two of us kept
I miss how at peace I felt
Lying in your arms
I miss your big, brown eyes
Your fingers entangled in my hair
I miss the feeling of knowing everything would be okay
Just because I had you
I miss having you to look forward to
I miss the way our hearts would pound
When the chance of getting caught was coming around the corner
I miss hearing you name
And finding a silly smile on my face
Trying to hide the hint of pink in my cheeks
I miss you kissing my forehead
And hearing you whisper
"You're beautiful"
I miss when you were all I needed
My best friend
You knew everything
I miss the way your eyes would light up when they saw me
The shy smile you tried to hide
I miss how you would run and pick me up
Those are still my favorite hugs
I miss when my legs were to tired to walk
You would lift me in your arms
And carry me wherever me feet wouldn't take me
I miss the way you'd sneak in
Surprising me with one last kiss
Which ended up taking us forever to part
But even forever wasn't long enough
Because life was only good in your arms
I miss the way my stomach turned
When my head was in your hands
Losing ourselves in each other's eyes
I miss the way your fingers laced with mine
No one would guess they would fit perfectly
I miss how we could talk for hours on end
I miss the way we would kiss
A taste I can't get out off my lips
I miss when trusting you was easy
I miss how my life was
Before you deceived me

I wish you here
To see who I am
To see all I am becoming
Knowing you are out there
So faraway
Breaks my heart everyday
So many times I need you here
Holding my hand when I get scared
I ache for the way you'd hold me tight
When nothing else quite felt right
I felt invincible with you
The way you took my hand and danced
You protected me
From all that wanted to hurt me
I couldn't be more grateful
For how much you loved me
I couldn't be more thankful
For the friend you were to me
And though I often felt enraged
At the choices you would make
You were always the one
Making me laugh at the end of the day
Oh how I miss you
How I wish you did not go
But most of all I hope you know
How special you are to me
How wonderful is your company
I will love you forever and always
No matter how far you are from me

Ill take a walk down memory lane
Cause it's only there I get to see your face
And nobody knows that I miss you
No one gets too
And though I wish I could deny these feelings inside
There is just no more trying to hide
Because I still cry when our song begins to play
And I remember every detail of your face
My stomach drops when I hear your name
And I'm taken back to a forgotten place
I begin to wonder if you're doing alright
If you're with another girl tonight
And if you asked how I was
I would lie and say fine
Cause I miss you with every boy I kiss
Nothing feels right if they aren't your lips
And it takes everything in me not to call you
And tell you how much I love you
Say all the words resting on my lips
They've been there since you left
You said you wished we could be friends again
But you realize that can't happen
But I don't think you understand
Because if we were friends again
I wouldn't be able not to fall for you

Will you notice
When I'm not there?
Will any part of you care
When you see I didn't show?
Will you feel an ache in your chest
That I chose not go?
Did you hope I would be there to welcome you?
Were you surprised when I wasn't?
All this time gone by
And I still can't look you in the eye
Every word on the tip of my lips
Can't seem to reach you
Blocked by this ****** elephant in the room
Because, yes
You still appear in my dreams
Saying the sweetest of things
But so much changed
After you walked away
I wonder if you would be proud of who I've become
Because I can't decide if I am
I wonder if you've changed
Though you seem the exact same
I wonder if these two new people
Could ever get along?
Then there's a silence
One I used to love
But now I'm searching for words
All familiarity is gone
I want to asked if you cared
When everyone but me was there
But I'm afraid the answer would be
"No, I didn't care."