it's probably bad to say this,
but my closest siblings aren't related to me.
i've known my brother for ten years,
and my sister for seven.

i've watched them both grow and change,
and i've grown and changed with them.
there's been fights and tears and anger,
but there's been laughter and secrets, too.

there's been distance and clingyness,
time spent together and time spent apart.
but there's two people who know me,
maybe not the best, but for the longest.

and that's pretty much all i have to say.
we're not the same people we were,
but i have a feeling there will always be us.
relationships like this don't die out.

i'll never give up my brother and sister.
even if they aren't blood related.

i swore to myself i'd never write to you.
because that would make all of it too real.
and if this ever gets to you, well.
i guess i can just hope for the best,
because if i were to lose you before our time was up,
i simply wouldn't be okay.

i've thought about you every day since i met you.
the attitude behind the thoughts changes.
sometimes by the hour, sometimes by the day.
but one thing always stays the same:
i love you. with all of me.
i shouldn't, but i do. and it runs so deep.
i can't cut it out, i can't bleed it out.
i can't smoke it out, i can't drink it out.
but god, i wish i could.
and god knows i've tried.

because i spend every night wondering if you'll be alive in the morning.
and i spend every day wondering if you're disappearing again.
and i spend every moment we're together missing you.
you might stand next to me, or lay with me, or tickle me,
and i miss you so much it almost kills me with every breath.
i've told you all of this, and you said something along the lines of,
"i know. you know **** well i care about you. i've always come back."
and, of course, you're right. about all of it. you're always right.

"sarah, you tell me everything. always."
of course, you're right. since the beginning, i've told you everything.
every thought i have, every crazy theory, every ridiculous dream.
you know it all. and you know you know it all, and that's even worse.
you know me better than i know myself, and you keep me in line.
i like to say that's why i keep you around, but it's more than that.
you keep me as sane as i'm going to be, and all i want is to please you.

i ask you too many questions, most of them stupid, but i can't help it.
i just want to hear your voice, all the time, as much as possible.
because i know one day i'll never, ever hear it again. and that, well.
that's not something i like to think about.

i waste too much gas and create ******* reasons and eat too much,
just to keep you in the passenger seat of my car. your seat.
because i know one day you won't sit in it again.
and it's your seat, now. it doesn't look right with someone else in it.
i play your music too loud and let you kick my radio when it skips,
because i can't say no to you, and you know it.

i can't lie to you, either. not successfully.
i can ******* my way around my reasons for texting you,
but you've got me figured out. you know when i'm avoiding.
you let me do it anyway.

i've told you before, but i'll say it here too.
i love listening to you sing. you don't it that often, but.
i like to pretend that maybe, you only sing with me.
i also like to pretend that maybe, i know you a little.
i don't hold a candle to dylan, of course. i know that much.
but...i like to pretend i'm special, to you.

you used to call me babe, and baby, and tell me good night.
"good night, love you, sleep well," i'd say. and you'd say,
"good night, i love you too. get some sleep tonight."
and well, i guess if i said it to you know you'd say it back.
and you'd mean it, because i now you'd always tell the truth.
but i can't bring myself to, because you're so empty now.

you've always been the apathetic one of the bunch,
but it's different now, and everyone's noticed it.
and i hate it, because i can't let you go. they have, but i can't.
so i see the difference in your eyes, and live for when they light up again.
but a part of me dies every second they aren't.
it's so infrequent, these days. i wish i was the one who could wake you up.

the funniest part about all of this is i don’t want you.
i don’t dare want you as mine.
everyone asks me if we’re dating. if you’re my boyfriend.
i end up telling them three, four times, “no. i don’t want him.”
and they end up believing me, but they still see it.
and i want to break everyone into little pieces for that.
because they can see it, i can feel it, and i want nothing to do with it.
i’d give you anything you’d ever ask me for.
and that scares me, so much, but i haven’t left you yet.
because you’re leaving me, anyway.
manhattan, california, europe.
death.

it doesn’t matter how, when, or why. i love you now, i loved you then, i will always love you.
i’ll never know if i’m in love with you, because life will never give us a chance.
life is kind of a really smart *******, but i hate it all the same.
it gave you to me and constantly threatens to take you away on a cloud of ecstasy.
or shrooms, or acid, or ***, or alcohol.

and what i just realized, this very second, is that whenever we hug and i say goodbye?
you say, “see you later.”
please tell me that’s a promise.

please.

in the darkness behind your closed eyes,
in the space behind clenched lips.
that's where they're not.

in lonely nights spent pressed into corners,
in bitter tears and trembling hands.
that's where they're not.

this was going to be a poem of epic proportions.
but not even poetry stands up to you and i anymore.
and every year it gets harder to explain this to you.
because i love you for everything you are, have been,
will be, cannot be, refuse to be, and try to be.

and that's really all there is to it.

we're still tragic and all wrong and we feel it, sometimes.
but i hope that no matter where you go next year,
i am with you somehow, even if you just remember me.
because whatever we are is not meant to die, fizzle, or explode.
it is meant to reassure and to be patient and to hold hands.

and that's really all there is to it.

there will always be somewhere that you can call collect.
i solemnly swear to accept any and all charges billed to me.
i would follow you until the ends of the earth, but only for us.
not for me or for you or poetry's sake, only if we needed it.
this is my "i'll see you soon," when you go away from me.

i will never be farther than you would like me to be.

i have nothing to offer you but the words on my lips.
i'm not funny or witty.
i don't paint or take pictures.
i can't sing you a song from center stage.

there is tragedy written across my thighs,
and much of the same can be reflected in my eyes.
there is pessimism and irrationality in much of what i say,
and most of the good things get pushed away.

i'm nothing special, but i'm far from average.
i'm difficult and take things to the extreme.
but i would love you until the ends of the earth.
my bite is so much worse than my bark,
and lately both have come into play.
i complicate everything i do;
i feel like nothing is ever as easy as it seems.

i constantly trade one addiction for another.
my vices are what keep me grounded.
you are my favorite vice, my favorite addiction.
for you there will never be a replacement.

every word you say makes something in my heart sing.
you are the only one i'd ever break my rules for.
you are the only one who would ever understand what i say,
especially when i don't say anything.

but nothing this extraordinary lasts forever.
and something this strangling has to end.
so i did what i did and when i knew what i did,
you knew. that's all that matter.

i tell myself, one day.
one day you'll see.
by then, it'll be too late for me.
but i sleep just fine,
and meet my own eyes in the mirror.

if you knew me at all, you'd see.
see that the last thing i was thinking of was me.

but i think for now, we'll call this chronically unfinished.
maybe when i'm dead, i'll know how this ends.

my dearest will,

you've always brought out the worst in me.
and i kind of have to love you for that.
you know my deepest secrets,
the dark ones and the embarassing ones.

you know i'm a sucker for anything romantic,
but keep the shakespeare to a minimum.
you know i'd give anything to share your bed,
with you, your cat, and a bottle of ***.

you've taken me back three times now,
and i kind of think you shouldn't have.
you know i love you in my own way,
the way no one else will, hopefully.

you know i'm not in love with you,
but i love the way you bite your lip.
you know i'd keep you up all night,
with just me on my hands and knees.

you know i can only talk this way with you,
the words just fall before i can stop them.
you've forever been my ***** little secret,
and i kind of think you like it that way.

you've told me so many times you love me,
but i've laughed them all away.
you know i'd like to say it back,
'with wisdom and conviction beyond my years'.

but this is all you can have of me,
the pieces nobody else wants.
i'm sorry, let's meet up one day.
we can tour nova scotia.

i'll let you kiss my tears away,
and i'll erase your scars.
"how do i say goodbye to you, christmas?"
"you don't, william. we never said hello."

you're an ***.
and you deserve to be lonely.
and i hate you.
and i  love you.
and i hate to love you.
and i ******* love to hate you.

but you're just a boy.
and i'm just a girl.
and we're just something that never happened.
and we're just a big, ****** up, mistake.
and we're nothing special at all, really.
and we're going to be forgotten.

but i'm just a girl.
and you're just a boy.
and i'm still in love with you.
and i'm hellbent on hating you.
and i'm looking for another you.
and i'm convinced i won't find him.

so you're still an ***.
and i'm still in love.
but i'm heading out.
and i'll find someone.

with every promise comes uncertainty,
and that's something i've never
been comfortable with so i'd
like to say, "i promise,"
and i'd like to say,

"forever," but you said, "fornever,"
and chased it down with
a shot of absolut plus
"and for always,"and then
i managed to convinced myself,

"i can handle tonight," and
you said, "i love you,"
so i said, "please, please...
take me down," and you
said, "how far?" so i...

showed you.

put the bottle down
pour it out, throw it away

it’s so amusing how
in one breath
you chastise, criticize

the same behaviors
you so proudly enjoy
you’re oh so *******
you really think you’re tough?

looking down on everyone
from your throne of hypocrisy
as your bloodshot eyes blink, burning
i see you
you’re weaving, waning

if you’re looking for someone
to catch you when you fall
keep on looking, honey; sober up
and keep on looking
for whatever you need to find
cuz you sure as hell won’t find it

at the bottom of a bottle

She can find freedom here.
She can be happy here.
She wishes to stay forever here.

Galloping, cantering, chaotically awry.
Flying as one, two beings, seamless lines.
She can find freedom here.

The sun slips gently from the sky.
Her fingers tangled in copper mane.
She wishes to stay forever here.

A whinny, a nicker, a smile as she cries.
She loves what this means to her.
She can find freedom here.

She talks to him, because his eyes don’t lie.
Ears swept forward, and those gentle honey eyes.
She wishes to stay forever here.

Twelve hundred pounds of unbridled energy.
He’s her biggest, closest friend.
She can find freedom here.

we're the kids who keep on quitting.
we're the ones living our lives running.
we **** the threat of smoke with the smell of *** [on our breath].

we're the kids with the blinding smiles.
we're the ones on the late news at eleven.
we **** the threat of a future with the promise of tonight, tonight.

we're the kids who do it for love.
we're the ones making history tonight.
we **** the threat of growing up with the first and last sip of the night.

we're the kids with the pretty eyes.
we're the ones with the broken smiles.
we **** the threat of regret with the scars on our hands, faces, legs.

we're the kids with too-big pupils.
we're the ones with the hyena laughter.
we **** the threat of misunderstanding by not being able to speak.

we're the kids who'll make the difference.
we're the ones you'll remember.
we **** the threat of losing ourselves by giving it up [with one ****].

i find it strange that i'm writing this letter to you.
but it kind of showcases our friendship.
all it was was an innocent kiss on your hand.
but i kissed you, instead of you kissing me [on the cheek].
so here we go.

it's like every word you say has an extra meaning.
every touch you steal or demand has an extra feeling.
so when you said, "kiss it, make it better," i wondered.
i wondered what exactly i was making better for you.

it could, of course, just be that you hit your hand on my pool steps.
but that was all you, anyway. i thought you were tackling me.
not hugging me.

but then again, it could, of course, be you were looking for a reaction.
if that's the case, i wish i knew why. i think i'm pretty clear on what i want.
you're the one complicating things, you know.
keep your mischievous eyes to yourself.
keep your troublesome lips closed.

god forbid we do anything we'd be ashamed of.

i always knew you didn't trust me.
i knew you had a secret agenda,
you secret agent you.

i love[d] you more than anyone.
anyone.
i trusted you the most.
ever.

when january rolled around, he was obsolete.
it's you, it's you, it's always been you.
you never let me explain; you don't want to hear.
but it's got to go somewhere, so.
here it goes.

i walked into a life i wasn't welcome in.
i didn't want you to fight for me.
i didn't belong, all my prescence did was cause chaos.
i was always ******* something up for you.

you were his, not mine, and it tore me up inside.
but i didn't want to do a **** thing that could...
take you from him. from your happiness.
take you from being content without being lonely.

to never make you smile, laugh, everything, was...
more punishment i ever thought i could take.
even worse? being the cause of your unhappiness.
i was always ******* something up for you.

you see, without me? without you fighting for me?
there wouldn't have been the fighting, that shower scene.
i never wanted you to fight for me.

you know i did what i did because i was batshit in love with you.
you know i did it because i didn't care about him, i cared about you.
unfortunately, that came at a price.
the biggest price i've had to pay, really.
i did it to keep you happy.

i didn't want to do or say anything that would...
[make you see your boy in a different light]
**** something else up for you.

i risked everything for you.
i gave up everything,
i gave up you,
for you.

one day, i'll beg.
i'll beg every god i know,
especially the ones i don't believe in.

i'll wish on every dandelion, every star,
to not have done what i did,
to have a second chance.

i've never begged for anyone,
i've never wished for anyone.
not even him.

so you see? it was never him.
it was always you. it's you, it's you.
it's always been you.

honesty may be the best policy,
but you know i'm always looking for a better way.
you know i'm always looking out for you.
i tried, anyway. there wasn't anything i could do
that he hadn't already done.

i wish i could say this was over,
and i was done,
but i can't give you up like i gave him up.

my epitaph will always read,
"she was my only."

i pulled over to the side of the road,
and watched your funeral procession pass by.
i don't know who you were or how you died,
but those sleek black cars just didn't stop.

there was a lull in the traffic.
i considered driving again.
but then i could hear something.
music, with 808s and screams.

following the sophisticated,
respectful, hoity-toity procession,
was at least twenty used cars,
each filled with teenage boys.

every single one, drivers included,
had an arm out the window,
clutching onto the same style beanie.
black, with white checkered stitching.

i could hear them yell for you.
i could see them cry for you.
i don't know who you were,
or what you did.

but you made a difference in some lives.
you can count on that.
i hope you were able to see it.
i'm glad i was.

There is no problem in feeling
I've never claimed such a silly thing
But it's known, a proven fact
That too much feeling, that solid entity
Is common man's common enemy

And here I go, here I go again
Crash and burn, fading fast, burning out
He argues, exhale and repent, press repeat
Do you hear the bitterness, she's healing

Healing, healing, hating but healing
Moving on, it's about time, isn't it?
Fizzle out and close your eyes

She dreams in red, she dreams in black
She dreams in hate, she dreams in pain
She dreams and dreams and feels
Oh how she finally feels, and this time...

She doesn't care that there's no one there
Praise be to the angels, the angels, the angels on high
She doesn't care that there's no one there

It was meant to be, supposed to be
Such a crime, violation, humiliation
Illegal intimidation
This is the first she'll write of it
Is this the last you'll hear of it?
I hope so, I hope so

Maybe you won't even hear of this
Maybe she won't even read this
Maybe she won’t even have written this
She will though, she will

She'll scream and scream and I, I will cry with her
We will cry and we will scream
I guess I'll admit it here
But her and I, we're one in the same
Same in the one, you could say
But oh, we're not together

Gotta keep us separated, it's suicide
Selfish personal slaughter, suicide
To put them together

I can't sleep, she can't breathe
She can't sleep, I can't breathe
We wonder, does this make sense?
We wonder, should it make sense?

Don't be frightened, isn’t this how it's supposed to be?
What a poem, what a poet, and hell yes she knows it
Even if you don't, she knows it
She can feel it, this is what she does
Who she is, it's her power

Take a picture, does it last?
Write a poem, the words will last
Draw a flower with words flying
I take something that was never there
And make a blind man see

There’s something else I do
And **** it if it didn’t get me in trouble with you
I thought in forevers, in forevers with you
We talked in forevers, in when-we-get-aways
What we’re doing tomorrow, inconsequential
Until tomorrow became today

And today, tomorrow, yesterday
There was nothing
I’m sorry to bring you in this
This twisting, conniving, forgetting
But it’s necessary, so deal with it
You started it, I ended it
Let me be the one who ended it
I needed the control, need to have taken it
There, at the end, that needs to be mine

I’m going back, back to the beginning
Because it stopped hurting awhile ago
It makes me smile now, smile
Because I know what I did to you, for you
Because I know what I do to you

but i'm breathing better than i have in days.
and sleeping better than i have in weeks.

i know who my friends i are, and i know
who they certainly are not.

i carry no guilt, i carry no shame.
the mistakes i've made do not define me,
and i can sleep well at night knowing i live honestly.

i will dance badly whenever the mood strikes me,
because i've got people who will love me still.
i will sing loudly whenever the mood strikes me,
because i've got people who will love me still.

if this is happiness, i will carry it forever.
because this is having sadness, but not being sad,
having fear, but not being scared,
having shame, but not being ashamed.
this is having loved, being loved, loving in the future,
and loving in the past, all at the same time.

this is missing her, and missing her, too,
but not thinking about it unless i mean to.
this is grieving and being angry, but not so much
grief-stricken and furious.

this is losing, and having lost, and knowing i will lose,
but holding on and keeping it around,
because i know how i felt and how i feel,
and i know how you felt too.

this is how i feel, tonight, and i think
this might be what everyone looks for
when they peek around corners or
jump in front of closed elevator doors.

my dearest [and only] mellieboo,

i can't tell you in words how i feel about you.
and i can't tell you in pictures, either.
i can't tell you anything,
because i never know who i'm talking to.

i fell for you, and i wrote for you.
and i cried for you, too.
sometimes i still think about you.
sometimes i still dream about you.

but mostly, i just miss you.
i miss that smile that made me feel alive again.
the laugh that told me you really weren't happy,
but you were willing to pretend for me.

i don't miss the broken smile,
or the harsh, choppy laughter,
or the see-through stare.
but i do miss you.

it still hurts.
i'm still waiting for you.
good night.

but i bet you don't know how hard it is.
and i bet you don't know how much i want to run.
because i can't tell you everything and
i can't talk about my past
and the things that were important to me, well.
you don't want to hear about them.
and all my special memories are ruined and
i can't share them with you because
you don't want to hear about them.

and all i want to do is to pretend that
we didn't meet the way we did and
we aren't tied together the way we are and
that i don't cry myself to sleep a few nights a week and
i don't ******* love you as much as i do and

you just can't understand.

I will hold a candle up to you-
to singe your skin.
Brace yourself...
I'm bent with bitterness.

I know, that's not yours. But your song died
with you. The notes bled out, left behind stains
like the red in your bed.
This one is far more fitting for us now.

Where are we now? It's ironic-
'cause even when you're dead?
I still do what you want.
Keep you safe at night, I am.

Kneeling at the foot
of a grave I dug myself,
kneeling beside ashes
that I've burned myself.

Two feet under,
two feet across.
I sprinkle the ashes
of everything we lost.

I'll whisper at first,
wake you up slow.
But I can't keep quiet long,
as I'm sure you know.

So wake up, quiet girl,
from this slumber of sorrow.
The ghost of you should be enough
to keep me safe as I walk home.

No, I don't sleep well,
I wasted all my good nights
staying up with you,
and your threats, promises.

But don't you worry,
I learned from the best.
Bacardi is my lullaby,
so lay your ghost to rest.

I'll be back tomorrow night.

I like the way you feel,
when I’m *******,
shutting everyone out,
and you pull me in.

I like the way you say,
“Sarah, what’s wrong?”
or, hell, “talk to me,”
and, “it’ll be better.”

I like the way you say,
“Sarah, I love you!”
and, “want some?”
and even, “slow down!”

I like the way you feel,
when I’m driving,
crying my eyes out, and
you kiss me on the cheek.

I like you, and that.
That really *****,
because I don’t want you.
And I can’t have you.

So stick around,
you gorgeous boy.
I’ll take you as you are,
And never ask for more.

However, I can’t help but think…
your other suitors are no poets,
they're only actors who can play guitar.
Have I won your heart?

I love you, I hate you.
You broke me, you saved me.
Completely original, full of clichés.
You knew me completely, as I knew you.
A stranger to me, as I am to you.
Predictably unpredictable.
Disgusting but endearing.
This is the end, this is the beginning,
of everything we are.
And everything we’re not.

i don't know who i am,
and i doubt i ever will.
i don't even know who i'm not,
because i change so often.

but i know who i wish i was.
christ, doesn't everybody?
we all do it, at least once:
"god, look at her. she's...
she's got everything. but,
i'd change a little bit.
and i would never do that,
or say something like that."

i wish i had more of a lot.
and i wish i had less of a lot, too.
i wish i smiled more, and laughed less.
i wish my window didn't scare me,
and i wish i wasn't scared of lakes.
[i'm not afraid of swimming,
or water, or even drowning.
i'm afraid of what's inside my head.]

i wish i had more self control,
but i wish i could let go and relax.
i wish i lived by my favorite quote,
"let it be."
and i wish i could take the middle ground,
and i wish i could love halfway.
but i'm an all or nothing type of girl.

i wish i was slower to trust and love,
and quicker to forgive and forget.
i wish i could stick to my promises,
and i wish i could live without regrets.

i'm not willing to change myself,
and i really wish i was.
it's too hard just hanging on to who i am;
i can't imagine ******* around with it.

i wish i could turn the page on some stories,
and start over again.
but i'll keep living and breathing,
through words and pictures, until the bitter end.

i wish i was the person everyone needs me to be.
i wish i was the person who didn't care about it.
but i'm always going to be the last one standing,
wishing on a shooting star, or a meteor, or a plane.

i wish i could tell the difference.

you may not like this,
but i'm done pleasing you.
i don't owe you anything,
when i'd already given you everything.

for years and years,
[maybe three, maybe four;
it depends on who you ask.]
i've respected your opinions and wants.

but now, when all that's left is nothing,
i refuse to do that anymore.
so i'm writing this for me,
and to hell with how it makes you feel.

[it's not meant for you to read, anyway.
and if you do, well. curiosity killed the cat.
you won't find any satisfaction here.
don't come back.]

It makes sense that I'd find
the song that makes me burn for you
through the boy who keeps me sane.

It makes sense that, in time,
I'd actually mourn for you
instead just carving crimson lines.

It makes sense that I'd find
a tentative replacement for you,
albeit for a limited time.

It makes sense that I'd find
a way to never let you go
as long as I let go of my sanity.

The funny thing is,
your replacement?
Is ******, while you...
you were nicotine.

She's arsenic, while you...
you were simply rat poison.
You were Corona,
and she is Bacardi.

You were my lullaby,
but she was my morning's song.
Now Bacard is my lullaby,
and Jesse Lacey is my morning's song.

I know that this is what you want.
A funeral keeps both of us apart.
You know that you are not alone.
Need you like water in my lungs.

This is the end.

fall has never felt more like falling
than my head on your shoulder
and your hand on my hip

but there isn't a **** thing poetic
about things you can't have and
things you don't want but
i just remember so much

and it comes in flashes, like
laughing too hard at jim carrey
being regulars wherever we went
getting caught in the cold and
just plain getting caught

you told me if i walk slower,
i won't get as wet from the rain.
so i tried it, and it didn't work.
and where's the poetry in that?

the only thing i'm good at is
keeping you around, but
always too far away.
if i can't make us sound pretty,
i suppose that means i'm over it
and if i'm sick of trying to, well
i suppose that means we're okay

and if i keep trying...
i suppose that means i love you.

i’d give anything to trace your lips.
to paint them ruby red, tip to tip.
to be the smudge left on your glass,
to leave a mark on who you kiss last.

close me up, put me in your pocket.
i’ll go with you everywhere.
i’ll always be there, a twist away.
just don’t leave me behind.

don’t lose me on the subway,
don’t forget me in your room.
don’t go out without me,
don’t buy another shade.

i’m all you need, baby.
i think i’d look good on you.

I'm the girl that no one sees,
the girl who's constantly begging please.

I'm all of the world's silent suicides,
the one with stories full of shadowed nights.

I'm the one with the ocean eyes,
and nothing but the best of intentions;
the one getting all the honorable mentions.

hey, j-girl.

it's been awhile.
i haven't seen you around lately.
i can't say i'm complaining, but.
maybe i've missed you a little, so.
you should stop me. i do miss you.

"the drugs begin to peak,
a smile of joy arrives in me."
that would be the song playing now.
i wonder who you'd be today.
where would we be, today?

i swore i'd never let you go,
but you went and walked away.
i don't love you anymore.
i can't love you anymore.
but i miss you, so much.

i went to prom,
i graduated,
i went to a music festival.
i danced all day.
i can't talk today.

you should've been there.
you'd like my friends.
there's one, in particular,
that i wish you could meet.
she's sweet like vinegar.

but i think you'd like her.
she's no stranger to blood,
and she could set you straight.
she's stronger than me, i think.
or maybe we're just different.

i don't know. she makes me think of you.
she's disappears, like you.
but she's always come back, so far.
anyway, i just wanted to say hi.
come back to me, all cleaned up.

you'd like it here.

friday, let's play hooky. we'll nap in my car.
just let me be where you are.

saturday, up at 2. we'll sleep in late.
just let me wake where you are.

sunday, up at 6. we'll never sleep.
just let me see a sunrise with you.

monday, up at 8. we'll miss our last bell.
just let me skip with you.

tuesday, up at 10. we'll miss first bell.
just let me sleep in with you.

wednesday, up at 8. we'll behave today.
i just want friday with you.

thursday, up at 9. we'll go for breakfast.
i just want it all with you.

Apologies, apologies, I won’t say it’s okay
Stop apologizing, I don’t think you’re sorry
Apologies, apologies, wasted breath
Stop apologizing, it falls on deaf ears

One glance in the mirror, smiling
One glance in the mirror, hiding
One glance in the mirror, healing

I’ve moved on, stop apologizing
I’ve moved on, don’t you see?
Abandoning me, forgetting me
You mean so little to me

It’s tragic and it’s sad and, and you
You meant so much to me
But you mean so little to me

There I go again, oh tragedy
Lying again, what a sin
I’m lying to myself, it’s silly
But I’m lying to myself when I say
When I say you mean so little to me

play them like a game
and very quickly you will find
that there's really nothing
to worry about.

so take a hand and lead
them into the dark.
where monsters hide and
the light does nothing
but make shadows dance.

then you'll be forced to remember
that you are nothing but bones
nothing but bones and dust.

all i have left are frayed nerves,
a flattened frame from being the doormat,
fingers worn to bone from writing it all out,
and a bunch of angsty poems.

but here's another angsty poem
from pitiful, insignifigant me.
i'll shout this one from the rooftop
and make you see me for who i am.
**** and vinegar and revenge,
sugar and spice and nothing nice.

this is all i have to give, so listen hard.
listen hard because i will never be
this honest again when i say,
oh my god, just tell me you don't care
about me and just want to
use me and get it over with because
i am sick of this *******.

you can tell me you care over
and over again until you are
blue in the face and it's not going
to matter because your actions say
otherwise and words are cheap.

and while you're at it, would you mind,
would you really ******* mind, if i
understood your motives? i was doing
just fine, i really was, i was getting along.
building my walls, brick by cemented brick.

but one word halts construction.
one phrase postpones completion.
and i'm doing it the same way
all over again.

i'm sick of giving myself to something
only to have it snatched away from me.
i'm sick of being the friend who's always there
only have no one be there for me when i need them.
i'm sick of being taken advantage of, i'm sick of...
i'm sick of being second rate.

i'm just sick.

words are cheap and talk is cheaper.
and that is all i've got from you.
actions are worth so, so much more.
straighten up, or i'm out.
thanks.

i used to live another life.
i use to wake up from not sleeping every morning,
look in the mirror, and crave a blade.
i use to cross my eyes when my eyes were closed,
just to feel the world tilt and slide, because then,
maybe,
my brain will catch up and stop tilting and sliding around in my own head.

i used to scream and cry at night, silenced by my own fist in my mouth.
i used to wake up from not sleeping to cuts,
indents in my thigh from my own fingernails.
i use to close my eyes when someone passed me by,
just so they couldn’t see how empty mine felt.

i used to smile and laugh and not feel a ******* thing.
i use to wake up from falling asleep next to somebody,
anybody,
and wonder when the next time i’d get normal sleep would be.
i use to hold my eyelids closed with my hands,
because i was too scared to close them myself.

i used to live another life; i used to be another person.
when i wake up at night, and all i need is someone,
anyone,
i want to turn away from you.
i want you to know me as i am now.
i don’t want to be the shattered one, the one that needs fixing.
i want the chance to be whole.
i want you to not know everything you know.

i realize, though, that it doesn’t matter.
i’ll hide it all from you, the big stuff,
how i’m afraid to sleep,
afraid to walk by myself,
afraid i will lose myself-
in the effort to move away from my old self.
i’ll hide all of that from you, the important stuff,
because who has time for another person, anyway?
in the end, we’re all concerned with i.

i’m sad,
i’m scared,
i’m lonely,
i’m hungry,
i’m angry,
i’m tired,
i’m drunk,
i’m sober,
i’m high.
i’m low.

i will hide it all from you, because i don't want you to see me broken.
i don't want you to see me as the person i was.
i want to be new, and whole, and lovable,
and i want to be the one who helps,
not the one who needs help.
no one lets me be her.
won't you?

invitation, then concession
it’s the same old song and dance
we’re playing it louder and faster
louder and faster than ever before
like moths to a flame
we’re cheek to cheek
chest to chest
skin on skin
with no room to breathe
but that’s how we like it

She says to me, she says,
my eyes are bleeding.
She says to me, she says,
my nose is hearing.
She cries to me, she cries,
my ears are speaking,
they’re speaking to me,
and I can’t hear you anymore.

If I could write a million stories
about the way things used to be,
I wouldn’t write a one.
I’ve tried to forget, to forgive,
pretend you never happened.
It simply doesn’t work.
But I’ve done my crying and
I’m no longer angry.
So I’d like to say, finally,
that you made me who I am today.
For better or for worse, I let you in.
And I’m okay with that, and
have a good day, because…
I will.

They are in the very wrath of love,
for they war with each other and love no one at all.
They are in the very wrath of love,
a war composed of words unspoken, sights unseen.

They are in the very wrath of love,
for they have found an enemy to love in the other.
They are in the very wrath of love,
a love that knows no past and hardly any future.

They are in the very wrath of love,
for they know there is nowhere for them to go.
They are in the very wrath of love,
a place where words mean more than everything.

They are in the very wrath of love,
for they believe secrets and stories are forever.
They are in the very wrath of love,
a mistake of fate and predestination come to life.

They are in the very wrath of love.

three years is a long time.
a long time for anything.
three years of pain, fear,
more than a bit of shame?
a ******* lifetime.
three years of breathing
freely being a chore and
dreading being alone and
wishing for dreamless sleep?
a ******* lifetime.
hell never gets any colder,
and it never gets any easier.
some days you wish for it to
stop, for it to be your last.
and how do you explain it?
not wanting to be alive and
not wanting to die, not yet?
how do you tell yourself, one
more minute, one more breath?
one more hour, day, week?
you don't, and you can't.
you just keep doing it anyway.
in and out, step by step, on and on.

forever.

I've never felt anything like this before.
It's like my heart is too heavy to beat.
My lungs crave carbon monoxide.

My eyes dart over every passing car.
Every cigarette is another memory.
My car is filled with music my ears are scared to hear.

I yearn for something to dull the pain.
Anything.

This hurt and loss runs too deep, the river runs too fast.
I cannot cut or bleed it out.
I cannot dream or wish this away.
It is all too real.
It is all too soon.

If I had known being left and forgotten would be this bad,
I never would have opened up.
I never would have worried.
I never would have shared.
I never would have trusted,
wanted,
needed,
or loved.

I knew it was new and different.
I knew it was dangerous.
I never knew how much.

How could you have never said it was over?
I can see no "see you later"s in our future.
I see only goodbyes.

Do you remember the late nights, street lights?
I remember- forever days, sun rays.
Feeling scared, acting brave, disregarding all the rules.
Fleeting glances, heartbeat trances, impromptu dances.
Every minute was a cherished gift- it’s pitiful, isn’t it?
Rarely have I felt, never have I felt, finally have I felt.
Ever after, nevermore, what was found has now been lost.
New girl? New feelings, new changes, no reasons.
Crying out to understand, that’s all I want- to understand.
Exceptions made to all the rules, where is my friend?
Silence makes friendships drown, so hurry up- rescue us now.

honestly, i have no idea who to write about.
the people i don't talk to, well.
there are reasons for it.

and i'm tired of running to people all the time.
run to me, **** it.
stop making me chase you.

i could write about nicole.
about how we were friends and enemies,
and then we were nothing.

i could write about brian.
about how i wish i could help you,
but only you can help you. [i'm sorry.]

i could write about brookie.
about how i miss you so, so much,
but i'm not a good enough friend for you.

i could write about amy,
about how we really had something.
but we're too different, sweetheart. [i'm sorry.]

i could write about anyone, really.
i don't talk to anyone as much as i'd like to.
it's mostly what i don't say and can never say...
that says the most.

he snarls, she sobs
tears really can fall
and they fall like rain

her tender skin
brutalized
her blueblue eyes
close again

same scene
difference nightmare
she’s screaming louder
so hit me, i dare you to

i’ve been down and out
seen the worst, worse than you
hit me, I dare you to
a simple punch, a vicious word
can’t pierce these scars
can’t close these eyes

these broken eyes

kept wide shut
keep the monster away

i woke up this morning with my heart in my chest,
only half-awake, and reached for the phone.
"morning, gawgeous, you awake?"
it's sending.

somewhere between being awake and asleep,
i remembered that's not allowed.
more panic set my arms on fire, i fumbled for the phone.
cancel, jesus. cancel.

i drop the phone, close my eyes, bite my tongue.
try to breathe.
i'm panicking still. i don't even know why anymore.
it certainly couldn't be any worse.

what do you do when you give someone everything,
they take it all, and give it back to you in pieces?
what do you do when you trust someone and they you,
but you find out they kept their own secrets and ideas too?

how do you say, i know what you thought,
when you can't say anything?
how do you say, i'm sorry, please,
when you can't make them hear you?

when do you say, i'm done trusting people,
they always run away?
when do you say, if you came back,
i'd never push you away?

i've made my mistakes, but you knew how i was.
you've made your mistakes, and i forgave you at once.
understanding doesn't mean **** on this side of the fence.
what happened to forever?

i never would've left.
so don't play the line everyone leaves.
because not everyone does.
the rest you push aside.

it's sunday morning,
and i would **** for a chance to drive.
get so far away from here, with you my dear,
that i'll never leave your side.

i'm concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, but we're still throwing the fight.
but i just wanna believe, i just wanted to believe,
i just won't believe, in us.

because there's a lump in my throat,
and i'd rather it be cancer than tears.
because there are tears in my eyes,
but i'd rather go blind than cry for you.

and then there's this portion of my heart,
it beats faster than the others, you see.
but i'd rather it be a defect than be from you,
and all of our talked about, moonlit dreams.

there are walls around my heart,
locked doors inside my head.
i'd rather choke on the key,
than hand it over again.

oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.
and i know we loved it, fed on it.
we would've bathed in it,
given the chance.

we are entirely smooth.
slick with tears, [and blood, too]
we admit to the truth.
we are the best at what we do.

tell me, what did we do?
what did we do to deserve such a mess?
thrown together and pulled apart,
we are the most vile of verbal arts.

after all, these are our words.
we wish we wrote them down,
but they'll have to do for awhile.
at least until we figure us out.

this is the way you wish your voice sounds,
at two in the morning, or hell, even six.
this is the way we wish we could say:
****, i love you. don't let us melt away.

No matter what I say to you, hear this:
I will never go farther than arm's reach,
I will never go farther than you can push me.
And girls like us, well, our arms only reach so far.
Boys like them, though, their arms never let go.
It feels so right but baby, it's so wrong.
Learn to stand alone,
let him go and find your path,
his open arms will be waiting for you
when you come home.
And so will mine.

No matter what you say, know this:
I can only forget so much, but I can forgive anything.
My resolve weakens under your gaze, I falter at your words.
My kryptonite is none other than your own brand of special poison.
And everyone knows, after all, that the trouble with poison...
Is that it tastes so ******* sweet.

No matter where this goes, know this:
I let you in, you pushed me out, but open doors never close the same again.
You let me in, I walked away, and I know neither of us will be the same again.
Whenever you decide to erase me, I'll still be with you,
in the airwaves we came to love so much.

and i'm so sorry, but not really.
because i know this is just a waste
of otherwise blank and empty space
but my god, i just want to make you know
how hard it is to organize the feelings
in my head and the thoughts in my heart
when my greatest wish, to make the world stop,
is forgotten and replaced before it can even be;
because i can't keep thoughts in my head, ever
because if i do they fester, and if they fester,
here they come, up and out and i can't stop them
and then i can't take them back
and then you'll know
and i won't.

come on, now.
every monday? fresh flowers, more tears...
stop crying for me. i’m okay now.
it doesn’t hurt anymore.

i hate when you ask questions.
you don't even listen when i answer.
...do i feel happy now? stop asking me that.

how can i be happy? i miss you guys.
17 years isn’t enough time with a family.
but i don’t hurt, either. i don’t feel anything.
i got what i wanted. so, just.

be happy, move on and be happy.
that’s all i really wanted, to make you guys happy,
and…oh, you’re leaving. okay. well, see you next week.
if….if you wanna come back sooner….
you should.

it gets lonely on the other side.