i looked at that hole in the ground
and i thought of you.
i thought of the holes in your smile,
and the emptiness of your eyes.
i thought of late nights,
and never wanting to see the sun.
i thought of wandering hands,
and stolen naps.

i thought of feeling whole again,
and feeling loved as i loved.
i thought of waiting for you,
and how i will wait for you.
i thought of padiddle and popeye's,
and funny games and friends.
i thought of the beach at night in march,
and i thought of your porch in june.

i thought of how my heart would stop,
just watching you walk to me.
i thought of how i couldn't breathe,
just listening to you breathe beside me.

and now, three and a half months later,
i look at this empty space in my life.
i think of how easily you could fill it.
and i think of how easily i'd welcome you.

but i'm thinking, now, of you.
of how easily you walk away.
of how easily you break my heart,
steal my breath, cause my tears.
of how easily i blame myself,
when it's all your fault.

but you're leaving this summer,
and i don't care anymore.
i'll carry this broken heart.
i'll carry it until there's no hurt left.
but it won't be yours again.
have a brilliant ******* life.

there's a chill in the air, it's settled into my bones.
bare feet in the cold march air step towards a familiar place.
i'm breathing better than i have in months.
"it's been awhile."
well hi to you, too.
"i know. i'm sorry."
i apologize, but i'm mainly awaiting yours.
the moon draws silver shadows over each of us.
i can see the silhouette of our tree over the lake.
"don't be, i am. but..." [your hand is so heavy on my arm.]
"but...what?"
"i'm finishing what i started. i'm...i'm sorry i let it go on this long."
there is a second, right there, where i think this is going elsewhere.
down a different road, with a different soundtrack to lead the way.
but i think, even then, i knew.

"if you scream, it'll be the last thing you do."
you're getting off on this. this is not a game.
this is not a game, and it hurts.
this is not a game, i'm scared, and i close my eyes.
"open your eyes."
no.
"open your **** eyes."
i always liked having my hair played with.
this is nothing like that.
"much better."
hot breath rushing over my ear, my face, my lips.
into my mouth.
oh...there goes dinner.
"you gonna behave now?"
i have no choice. you're choking me.
i can't breathe.
"you looking at it?"
yes. how can i not?
i always thought it was a lovely weapon.
"yeah, i won't hesitate to use it. don't push me."
i'd never dream of it.
besides, i can't move my arms.
"don't push me, *****. don't push me."
you'll find me very compliant if you continue this.
i fear i won't have much of an option.

oh, and to think this is but the beginning.

so i'm sitting.
[it seemed fitting, and…
well, life is different now.]
just sitting, nothing more.
i'm falling asleep; i'm sinking into my sheets.

but i'm waiting for you, because i've got this thing.
where i want you to know, every night, that i care.
so i'm sitting, just sitting, nothing more.
waiting for that moment he walks out your door,
so i can hear from you, and let you know
whether or not i'm doing just fine, tonight.

it's your birthday tomorrow, yes, that's right.
it's midnight now. twenty four hours.
what'll your eighteenth year bring you? hm?
will you dream sweetly every night? you deserve it.
at this point, i'm not even coherent, so who knows why
who knows why i'm even bothering doing this now.

but i couldn't let the 14th go by with nothing.
so i'll paint you a picture of me, right now.
my phone is in my lap, i've just sent you a text.
my legs are bare, crossed together underneath a sheet.
my tv is off, brand new is playing [of course] and
my desk lamp is on; it probably won't go out tonight.
my window is safely closed, locked tight, and so is my closet.
you know how scared i am of all my monsters.

my room's a mess; i couldn't find anything to sleep in.
[so i'm not, i have on a tank top and no shorts.]
and i've just gotten an idea. i like it, i think.
i think you will too.

i think i'm going to call it...

insomnia.
rapid heartbeat.
fever and chills.
breathlessness.
inability to concentrate.
loss of apetite.

i'm sure you knew what you did to me.
i'm sure you know i gave you all i had.
you made me sick, in all the best ways.
you were a disease worth dying from.
you did your job, tore me apart.
now stay the **** away and let me heal.

ah, sweet amnesia.

my throat dries out and
my lungs cramp up.
my hands start to shake and
my heart beats too fast.

you cross your legs and
lean in close, and i
can feel your corpse breath
on
my
skin.

i close my eyes and
pray you'll leave.
you remind me i
always begged for you
to stick around, for just
one
more
night.

you and i both know this
is not what i had in mind.
your bludgeoned thigh and
your massacred wrists
are not what i had in mind.
your starry-eyed gaze and
your ***** crusted mouth
are not what i had in mind.

why do you insist on
reminding me of a night
i didn't witness?
my imagination has created
a video that is all too real.

i see you and
i hear you
like i was there.
like it was all my
*******
fault.

i'm sorry i let you bleed
to death in your
own bed.
i'm sorry i let you take
one bottle of pills
too many.
i'm sorry i let you
asphyxiate on your
own *****.

but please, please,
you've got to let me
turn this movie off.
you've got to rest in
peace. [or in pieces.]

otherwise, i'll be joining you shortly.
but i guess you'd like that,
wouldn't you?

you did always think death was
so very, very ******* glamorous.

The tears she cried beneath a twinkling blue-black
Sky shone with a light of hidden silver.

The blade of the knife he drew across her thigh
Instilled in her a fear, mixed in blood and silver.

Violence forces humility, she‘s guilty.
The big bad wolf has teeth of steel, of silver.

The March moon spills shadows tonight, no light.
Behind the clouds the moon will hide, tonight there is no light of silver.

After this, her every night will be spent in hiding.
She doesn’t trust the moon anymore, stays away from its light of silver.

Sarah knows these can’t be her golden years.
These years are at best a tarnished silver.

yes, let’s.
let’s never.
never again.
again, please.
please, let’s.
let’s not.
not ever.
ever again.
again, yes.

i don't want to write this.
i really, really don't.

momma, daddy.
i love you both very, very much.
but you guys make me cry.
you were supposed to be together forever.
i kind of always took pride in you guys.
completely opposite but totally in love.
except how you weren't, apparently.

i'm too old to blame myself.
too old to beg you to stay together.
i understand everything,
but it still hurts me.
i still hate it.

i blame myself.
please stay together.
i don't understand.
i hate it.

i don't know what else to say.
i don't like this kind of honesty.

good night.

i think it was the kind of love
that alternates heartbeats
and steadies breathing.

i think it was the kind of love
that yearns and wants and
pleads for some kind of cure.

i think it was the kind of love
that soothes the heart and soul,
but still destroys your mind.

i think it was the kind of love
that scratches and gouges and
spits on you when you're down.

i think it was the kind of love
that smiles at you and holds
you close, at the end of the day.

i think it was the kind of love
that changes you and hurts
but leaves you so breathless.

i don’t think you know
no, no i don’t think so
i don’t think you know
what you want
a kiss so light, like wings
like wings on skin
featherbeats

it started out as a feeling,
which then grew into a hope.
which then turned into a quiet thought,
which then grew into a quiet word.

i dream of love,
of having loved,
of loving,
of being loved.

i dream about you every night,
although i may not always remember.
you're always, always, on my mind,
although i may not always know it.

i dream of you, and you, and you.
you're the one who left,
and you, you're the one in pieces.
and then you, you're the one in secret.

the one who left, i dream.
i dream about you night and day.
at night you smile and love to live,
during the day you're still bleeding.

the one in pieces, i dream.
i dream of you and your broken smile.
it isn't broken when i dream of you.
you let me fix you and your smile.

the one in secret, i dream.
i dream of you and that's all.
it's you and me and we're happy,
and that boy of yours stuck around too.

i dream in pieces and slices and shreds,
i dream in color and monotone,
i dream in quiet and i dream in chaos,
but i always, always dream.

and you had the biggest eyes i'd ever seen,
soft like smoke but **** so green,
that i skipped my **** and passed it on
just to watch your eyes light up.

and they blocked out the stars
and they blocked out the moon
and all i could see was you.
and then, then i knew, that in you,

i had found i knew what love was.
instead of what love wasn't.

3 years is a long time. a long time for anything. 3 years of pain and fear and more than a touch of shame is a ******* lifetime. 3 years of breathing freely being a chore, dreading being alone, and wishing constantly for a dreamless sleep is hell. it never gets easy, only easier, and some days you wish for it to be your last. how do you explain not wanting to be alive, but not wanting to die? how do you tell yourself, one more breath? one more hour, one more day? you don't. you just keep going anyway. forever.