it's probably bad to say this,
but my closest siblings aren't related to me.
i've known my brother for ten years,
and my sister for seven.

i've watched them both grow and change,
and i've grown and changed with them.
there's been fights and tears and anger,
but there's been laughter and secrets, too.

there's been distance and clingyness,
time spent together and time spent apart.
but there's two people who know me,
maybe not the best, but for the longest.

and that's pretty much all i have to say.
we're not the same people we were,
but i have a feeling there will always be us.
relationships like this don't die out.

i'll never give up my brother and sister.
even if they aren't blood related.

do something for me, okay?
tell my story at my funeral.
you’re gonna want to say no,
but how do you say no to a dead girl?
you can’t say no to me anyway, can you?

that’s my girl.
you never could.
so, will you tell them?
will you tell everyone
the reason i’m this way?

the reason my hands are useless,
sewn onto my wrists for show?
the reason you see me beside you,
femoral artery on display?
the reason my eyes stay glassy,
hyperfocused on nothing at all?

will you tell them of all
the things you were there for,
the things you saw,
the things you heard?
how you were the only witness,
every step of the way?

i think you will.
tell it all.
[we won’t mention that
when i needed you most,
at the end,
you weren’t there for me either.]

why didn’t you help me?
why didn’t you tell anyone about
all my razorblades, all my pills?

they were practically hand-fed to me,
and where were you?

right beside me, but not where you needed to be.
not helping me, only protecting me.
you protected me to death.

oh, did that hurt?
my apologies.
i guess i’m bitter.

anyway, the last thing i wanted to say?
is thank you.

thanks for finally letting me go.

i'm sinking like a stone in the sea.
i'm burning like a bridge for your body.
it used to be the reason i breathed but now
it's choking me up.
[die young and save yourself.]
she hits the lights- this doesn't seem quite fair.

and we won't let you in.
we don't want what isn't ours.
we won't let you in.
you win,
you win,
you win.

this is the grace that only we can bestow.
this is the price you pay for loss of control.
this is the break in the bend,
this is the closest of calls.

gave up my body and bed, all for an empty hotel.
wasting words on lower cases and capitals.
i lie for only you, and i lie well.
you are second hand smoke; you are so fragile and thin.
standing trial for your sins, holding onto yourself.
[the best you can.]

you are the smell before rain.
you are the blood in my veins.
call me a safe bet. i'm betting I'm not.
i'm glad that you can forgive-
i'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

in a car outside, we stalk the idle kind.
if you're leaving, just let me know.
tobacco and peppermint, dusting for fingerprints.
a film in her eyes from the glow.
some rules are made with all intentions to break
[and she defends it with a warped rationale.]

i've got desperate desires and unadmirable plans, and
my tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent.
if i could i would shrink myself and
sink through your skin to your blood cells and
remove whatever makes you hurt but
i am too weak to be your cure.

i'll speak my mind whenever I feel slighted.
i am hellbent on extracting all of my revenge.
take heart, sweetheart, or i will take it from you.
i spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.

i know that this is what you want; a funeral keeps both of us apart.
you know that you are not alone.
need you like water in my lungs.
this is the end.

She says to me, she says,
my eyes are bleeding.
She says to me, she says,
my nose is hearing.
She cries to me, she cries,
my ears are speaking,
they’re speaking to me,
and I can’t hear you anymore.

so i'm sitting.
[it seemed fitting, and…
well, life is different now.]
just sitting, nothing more.
i'm falling asleep; i'm sinking into my sheets.

but i'm waiting for you, because i've got this thing.
where i want you to know, every night, that i care.
so i'm sitting, just sitting, nothing more.
waiting for that moment he walks out your door,
so i can hear from you, and let you know
whether or not i'm doing just fine, tonight.

it's your birthday tomorrow, yes, that's right.
it's midnight now. twenty four hours.
what'll your eighteenth year bring you? hm?
will you dream sweetly every night? you deserve it.
at this point, i'm not even coherent, so who knows why
who knows why i'm even bothering doing this now.

but i couldn't let the 14th go by with nothing.
so i'll paint you a picture of me, right now.
my phone is in my lap, i've just sent you a text.
my legs are bare, crossed together underneath a sheet.
my tv is off, brand new is playing [of course] and
my desk lamp is on; it probably won't go out tonight.
my window is safely closed, locked tight, and so is my closet.
you know how scared i am of all my monsters.

my room's a mess; i couldn't find anything to sleep in.
[so i'm not, i have on a tank top and no shorts.]
and i've just gotten an idea. i like it, i think.
i think you will too.

i think i'm going to call it...

It makes sense that I'd find
the song that makes me burn for you
through the boy who keeps me sane.

It makes sense that, in time,
I'd actually mourn for you
instead just carving crimson lines.

It makes sense that I'd find
a tentative replacement for you,
albeit for a limited time.

It makes sense that I'd find
a way to never let you go
as long as I let go of my sanity.

The funny thing is,
your replacement?
Is ******, while you...
you were nicotine.

She's arsenic, while you...
you were simply rat poison.
You were Corona,
and she is Bacardi.

You were my lullaby,
but she was my morning's song.
Now Bacard is my lullaby,
and Jesse Lacey is my morning's song.

I know that this is what you want.
A funeral keeps both of us apart.
You know that you are not alone.
Need you like water in my lungs.

This is the end.

I will hold a candle up to you-
to singe your skin.
Brace yourself...
I'm bent with bitterness.

I know, that's not yours. But your song died
with you. The notes bled out, left behind stains
like the red in your bed.
This one is far more fitting for us now.

Where are we now? It's ironic-
'cause even when you're dead?
I still do what you want.
Keep you safe at night, I am.

Kneeling at the foot
of a grave I dug myself,
kneeling beside ashes
that I've burned myself.

Two feet under,
two feet across.
I sprinkle the ashes
of everything we lost.

I'll whisper at first,
wake you up slow.
But I can't keep quiet long,
as I'm sure you know.

So wake up, quiet girl,
from this slumber of sorrow.
The ghost of you should be enough
to keep me safe as I walk home.

No, I don't sleep well,
I wasted all my good nights
staying up with you,
and your threats, promises.

But don't you worry,
I learned from the best.
Bacardi is my lullaby,
so lay your ghost to rest.

I'll be back tomorrow night.

i woke up this morning with my heart in my chest,
only half-awake, and reached for the phone.
"morning, gawgeous, you awake?"
it's sending.

somewhere between being awake and asleep,
i remembered that's not allowed.
more panic set my arms on fire, i fumbled for the phone.
cancel, jesus. cancel.

i drop the phone, close my eyes, bite my tongue.
try to breathe.
i'm panicking still. i don't even know why anymore.
it certainly couldn't be any worse.

what do you do when you give someone everything,
they take it all, and give it back to you in pieces?
what do you do when you trust someone and they you,
but you find out they kept their own secrets and ideas too?

how do you say, i know what you thought,
when you can't say anything?
how do you say, i'm sorry, please,
when you can't make them hear you?

when do you say, i'm done trusting people,
they always run away?
when do you say, if you came back,
i'd never push you away?

i've made my mistakes, but you knew how i was.
you've made your mistakes, and i forgave you at once.
understanding doesn't mean **** on this side of the fence.
what happened to forever?

i never would've left.
so don't play the line everyone leaves.
because not everyone does.
the rest you push aside.

it's sunday morning,
and i would **** for a chance to drive.
get so far away from here, with you my dear,
that i'll never leave your side.

No matter what I say to you, hear this:
I will never go farther than arm's reach,
I will never go farther than you can push me.
And girls like us, well, our arms only reach so far.
Boys like them, though, their arms never let go.
It feels so right but baby, it's so wrong.
Learn to stand alone,
let him go and find your path,
his open arms will be waiting for you
when you come home.
And so will mine.

No matter what you say, know this:
I can only forget so much, but I can forgive anything.
My resolve weakens under your gaze, I falter at your words.
My kryptonite is none other than your own brand of special poison.
And everyone knows, after all, that the trouble with poison...
Is that it tastes so ******* sweet.

No matter where this goes, know this:
I let you in, you pushed me out, but open doors never close the same again.
You let me in, I walked away, and I know neither of us will be the same again.
Whenever you decide to erase me, I'll still be with you,
in the airwaves we came to love so much.

3 years is a long time. a long time for anything. 3 years of pain and fear and more than a touch of shame is a ******* lifetime. 3 years of breathing freely being a chore, dreading being alone, and wishing constantly for a dreamless sleep is hell. it never gets easy, only easier, and some days you wish for it to be your last. how do you explain not wanting to be alive, but not wanting to die? how do you tell yourself, one more breath? one more hour, one more day? you don't. you just keep going anyway. forever.

three years is a long time.
a long time for anything.
three years of pain, fear,
more than a bit of shame?
a ******* lifetime.
three years of breathing
freely being a chore and
dreading being alone and
wishing for dreamless sleep?
a ******* lifetime.
hell never gets any colder,
and it never gets any easier.
some days you wish for it to
stop, for it to be your last.
and how do you explain it?
not wanting to be alive and
not wanting to die, not yet?
how do you tell yourself, one
more minute, one more breath?
one more hour, day, week?
you don't, and you can't.
you just keep doing it anyway.
in and out, step by step, on and on.

forever.

i looked at that hole in the ground
and i thought of you.
i thought of the holes in your smile,
and the emptiness of your eyes.
i thought of late nights,
and never wanting to see the sun.
i thought of wandering hands,
and stolen naps.

i thought of feeling whole again,
and feeling loved as i loved.
i thought of waiting for you,
and how i will wait for you.
i thought of padiddle and popeye's,
and funny games and friends.
i thought of the beach at night in march,
and i thought of your porch in june.

i thought of how my heart would stop,
just watching you walk to me.
i thought of how i couldn't breathe,
just listening to you breathe beside me.

and now, three and a half months later,
i look at this empty space in my life.
i think of how easily you could fill it.
and i think of how easily i'd welcome you.

but i'm thinking, now, of you.
of how easily you walk away.
of how easily you break my heart,
steal my breath, cause my tears.
of how easily i blame myself,
when it's all your fault.

but you're leaving this summer,
and i don't care anymore.
i'll carry this broken heart.
i'll carry it until there's no hurt left.
but it won't be yours again.
have a brilliant ******* life.

i think it was the kind of love
that alternates heartbeats
and steadies breathing.

i think it was the kind of love
that yearns and wants and
pleads for some kind of cure.

i think it was the kind of love
that soothes the heart and soul,
but still destroys your mind.

i think it was the kind of love
that scratches and gouges and
spits on you when you're down.

i think it was the kind of love
that smiles at you and holds
you close, at the end of the day.

i think it was the kind of love
that changes you and hurts
but leaves you so breathless.

but i bet you don't know how hard it is.
and i bet you don't know how much i want to run.
because i can't tell you everything and
i can't talk about my past
and the things that were important to me, well.
you don't want to hear about them.
and all my special memories are ruined and
i can't share them with you because
you don't want to hear about them.

and all i want to do is to pretend that
we didn't meet the way we did and
we aren't tied together the way we are and
that i don't cry myself to sleep a few nights a week and
i don't ******* love you as much as i do and

you just can't understand.

and you had the biggest eyes i'd ever seen,
soft like smoke but **** so green,
that i skipped my **** and passed it on
just to watch your eyes light up.

and they blocked out the stars
and they blocked out the moon
and all i could see was you.
and then, then i knew, that in you,

i had found i knew what love was.
instead of what love wasn't.

They are strangers now, swinging back and forth.
There are no fireworks, not of the romantic kind.
They are simply strangers, at a park.

One is a daredevil, one is shy;
One likes the merry-go-round, and the other? The swings.

If stars could talk, they’d prophesize such a love story.

In the beginning, she was running, and he was chasing.
At the ending, he was laughing, but she was crying.

In the beginning, there aren’t many words.
Just tickles, and shouts, and blushing cheeks.
Rips in shorts, grass stains on shirts. Promises, too.
Promises of, “If you won’t tell my mom, I won’t tell yours.”

At the ending, close to the ending, she is tired.
So he pushes her on the swing, makes her laugh.
And then he makes her fall.

So she pushes him around and around,
around and around on the merry-go-round.
And when she doesn’t stop, when he falls,
he calls her a name she’s never heard of.

“You’re nothing but a bully,”
followed with, “Well, you’re…
you’re nothing but a *****.”

You’re nothing, she hears. You’re nothing but a *****.
You’re nothing, he hears. You’re nothing but a bully.
“How do you know that word?” As they walk, side by side.

“My dad calls my mom that on Saturday nights,”
as they walk, hand in dirt-covered hand.
“At least I didn’t swing a bottle at you.”

They are in the very wrath of love,
for they war with each other and love no one at all.
They are in the very wrath of love,
a war composed of words unspoken, sights unseen.

They are in the very wrath of love,
for they have found an enemy to love in the other.
They are in the very wrath of love,
a love that knows no past and hardly any future.

They are in the very wrath of love,
for they know there is nowhere for them to go.
They are in the very wrath of love,
a place where words mean more than everything.

They are in the very wrath of love,
for they believe secrets and stories are forever.
They are in the very wrath of love,
a mistake of fate and predestination come to life.

They are in the very wrath of love.

my throat dries out and
my lungs cramp up.
my hands start to shake and
my heart beats too fast.

you cross your legs and
lean in close, and i
can feel your corpse breath
on
my
skin.

i close my eyes and
pray you'll leave.
you remind me i
always begged for you
to stick around, for just
one
more
night.

you and i both know this
is not what i had in mind.
your bludgeoned thigh and
your massacred wrists
are not what i had in mind.
your starry-eyed gaze and
your ***** crusted mouth
are not what i had in mind.

why do you insist on
reminding me of a night
i didn't witness?
my imagination has created
a video that is all too real.

i see you and
i hear you
like i was there.
like it was all my
*******
fault.

i'm sorry i let you bleed
to death in your
own bed.
i'm sorry i let you take
one bottle of pills
too many.
i'm sorry i let you
asphyxiate on your
own *****.

but please, please,
you've got to let me
turn this movie off.
you've got to rest in
peace. [or in pieces.]

otherwise, i'll be joining you shortly.
but i guess you'd like that,
wouldn't you?

you did always think death was
so very, very ******* glamorous.

you know what i'm thinking about, now.
it was too hot outside to do much of anything,
and my car was on low fuel anyway.
[but i bet you didn't know that.]

and i hadn't slept the night before,
and i was ready to tell you that i...
i simply couldn't do this anymore.
but i knew how you felt about running away.

so i stayed, *******, i stayed.
and we ate ice cream with our fingertips,
and never spoke aloud what we felt as we did it.
has silence ever spoken so loud, bbluv?

and in fragments i remember our movie,
and the whole time i wanted to be closer.
so i sat on the floor, and you in your chair,
and wondered if you even noticed me there.

and then i remember hours and hours of night,
being irresponsible and [occasionally] flirty.
but we had to get up in the morning,
so we tried to stop our endless flow of words.

and i remember calling you after i wrecked my world,
and i paced around the house in my barefeet,
and whispered what happened, what i was afraid of.
i remember you mentioning my drunk texts, too.

and yes, i remember slurpees and wasting time inside.
not because it was hot ouside,
but because i just didn't want to leave.
i didn't get anything else done that day.

and i remember the feel of your bed, your pillow,
so different from the couch i had been sleeping on.
and i remember this look in your eyes, and i...
didn't know what it meant, at the time.

and, you know, i wish you weren't sorry.
for driving me away, i mean. that's okay.
but the way you did it tore me apart.
i'll be way too honest here and say it changed me.

i kept waiting for it to hit me,
day after day after ******* day.
you weren't coming back, not ever.
but still i waited, and still i wait.

and then, at the show, there was nothing.
i don't even know if you noticed me.
and that hurt me more than anything.
but i know i liked that your shirt was different.

and i also know i could understand.
because you said that last time,
and i got it, didn't i? i got it.
so don't tell me i won't. just don't.

tell me you miss our slurpees,
and you miss sweating by your pool,
just to delay my leaving a little bit.
even if it meant our legs got soaked.

and then you have to tell me this:
you don't want anything back, and
you don't want anymore late nights,
and you don't want anymore desperate phone calls.

and then i'll let it alone, and be okay.
and i can say this honestly.
because i know you, and i know...
it simply won't happen that way.

"but we both know this won't happen.
because i don't know goodbyes,
and i don't know severed ties."
i know you don't, so stop pretending you do.

you know, you're wrong about something.
you're excellent at leaving. you just **** at staying away.
but is that because, maybe,
you don't want to stay away from me?

so embrace october,
november, and december.
we'll exchange pumpkin pictures,
and costumes too.

we'll send pictures of thanksgiving,
and complain later we ate too much.
and we'll send anonymous presents,
and detail our new year's eve.

and then, what do you know?
we'll have come full circle.
and maybe, just maybe,
this will be yet another year of snow.

i wonder, did it ever cross your mind
to wonder how it felt to give my heart to you?
how it felt to break down my walls and bare my soul?

yeah, okay.
i admit that may have been a bit dramatic.
but i think that's just how it was with you.
i felt every word, every laugh, every smile
[and, truthfully, every carefully platonic touch.]
just a little too much to suit my cowardly self.

the thing is, everything you came from
[and everything you brought me, too]
was always just a little too much for me.
oh, but you know how much i like it when it hurts.

so, i let those walls fall down and i bared my soul.
i asked for nothing more than you could give,
and i gave you everything i could give in return.

but now, i suppose you never told me one thing.
you felt i wanted something more from you,
enough to take away the thing that made you smile.

but god, you know me better than the things you accused me of.
how many times and in how many words had i wished not for you,
but for the happiness i knew you deserved?

there is only so much i can say,
and even little that i can do,
to make things different.

and i have nothing left to give, anyway.
my heart is tired of beating, and my soul?
it's just tired of being pushed around.

so i'll back myself in a corner,
and watch the world pass by.
pray for you to forgive me and, maybe,
stop by and say hi.

You've got that stupid, capricorn smile.
Those dazed, half-moon eyes.
You remind me of honeysuckle, but...
you smell like lies.

A second glance is all it took to make me bend and break.
I took a step into your waiting arms,
and there was nothing waiting for me.
Just some soot and ashes from your charred, saddened soul.
Just some whispered confessions from when you lost control.

A simple touch is all it took to make me tremble and shake.
You make me sick to my stomach,
and deep in my bones.
It's like the sweetest dessert, laced with aspartame.
It's like I'm craving nothing but the air you breathe.

I always knew you were the one who made me feel so alone.
I just never knew it would be okay to feel alone without you.
I know I could never forget you.
But god, what if I could?

i'm concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, but we're still throwing the fight.
but i just wanna believe, i just wanted to believe,
i just won't believe, in us.

because there's a lump in my throat,
and i'd rather it be cancer than tears.
because there are tears in my eyes,
but i'd rather go blind than cry for you.

and then there's this portion of my heart,
it beats faster than the others, you see.
but i'd rather it be a defect than be from you,
and all of our talked about, moonlit dreams.

there are walls around my heart,
locked doors inside my head.
i'd rather choke on the key,
than hand it over again.

oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.
and i know we loved it, fed on it.
we would've bathed in it,
given the chance.

we are entirely smooth.
slick with tears, [and blood, too]
we admit to the truth.
we are the best at what we do.

tell me, what did we do?
what did we do to deserve such a mess?
thrown together and pulled apart,
we are the most vile of verbal arts.

after all, these are our words.
we wish we wrote them down,
but they'll have to do for awhile.
at least until we figure us out.

this is the way you wish your voice sounds,
at two in the morning, or hell, even six.
this is the way we wish we could say:
****, i love you. don't let us melt away.

insomnia.
rapid heartbeat.
fever and chills.
breathlessness.
inability to concentrate.
loss of apetite.

i'm sure you knew what you did to me.
i'm sure you know i gave you all i had.
you made me sick, in all the best ways.
you were a disease worth dying from.
you did your job, tore me apart.
now stay the **** away and let me heal.

ah, sweet amnesia.

I've never felt anything like this before.
It's like my heart is too heavy to beat.
My lungs crave carbon monoxide.

My eyes dart over every passing car.
Every cigarette is another memory.
My car is filled with music my ears are scared to hear.

I yearn for something to dull the pain.
Anything.

This hurt and loss runs too deep, the river runs too fast.
I cannot cut or bleed it out.
I cannot dream or wish this away.
It is all too real.
It is all too soon.

If I had known being left and forgotten would be this bad,
I never would have opened up.
I never would have worried.
I never would have shared.
I never would have trusted,
wanted,
needed,
or loved.

I knew it was new and different.
I knew it was dangerous.
I never knew how much.

How could you have never said it was over?
I can see no "see you later"s in our future.
I see only goodbyes.

"with endless love, i left you sleeping."
tonight will be the last night of this.
i will not call out to you again.
this isn't giving up, promise.
this is simply moving on.

"now i'm sleeping with you."
it's a fight to let you go.
but, you must leave.
it's different, now.
am i sorry?

"don't wake up."
i don't know.
hi, jamie.

take me with you.

you may not like this,
but i'm done pleasing you.
i don't owe you anything,
when i'd already given you everything.

for years and years,
[maybe three, maybe four;
it depends on who you ask.]
i've respected your opinions and wants.

but now, when all that's left is nothing,
i refuse to do that anymore.
so i'm writing this for me,
and to hell with how it makes you feel.

[it's not meant for you to read, anyway.
and if you do, well. curiosity killed the cat.
you won't find any satisfaction here.
don't come back.]

it was tracks left by fingernails that started it.
teasing moans, broken and hushed.
a slip of skin between shirt and shorts.
a flippant, "you know you want me."
that's what started it.

i pressed a kiss to that special place,
where neck and shoulder meet.
you left your own mark,
nestled between the lines i carved.

it was the twists of our hands that ended it.
it was a whiplash of a cry when it was over.
high and reedy and out of control,
sharp and gorgeous.

it echoed through my blood,
reverberated into my veins.
[in fact, i think it still does.]
my heart pumped in time with yours,
our hips rose and fell,
that's what ended it.
left us both boneless,
left us both shaking,
left the eight ball rolling across the table,
colliding with the last stripe, orange.
[your favorite color.]

"i win," you breathed.
"you spoke to soon," i whispered,
"the eight ball fell first."

oh, and we were so close, too.

with every promise comes uncertainty,
and that's something i've never
been comfortable with so i'd
like to say, "i promise,"
and i'd like to say,

"forever," but you said, "fornever,"
and chased it down with
a shot of absolut plus
"and for always,"and then
i managed to convinced myself,

"i can handle tonight," and
you said, "i love you,"
so i said, "please, please...
take me down," and you
said, "how far?" so i...

showed you.

but i'm breathing better than i have in days.
and sleeping better than i have in weeks.

i know who my friends i are, and i know
who they certainly are not.

i carry no guilt, i carry no shame.
the mistakes i've made do not define me,
and i can sleep well at night knowing i live honestly.

i will dance badly whenever the mood strikes me,
because i've got people who will love me still.
i will sing loudly whenever the mood strikes me,
because i've got people who will love me still.

if this is happiness, i will carry it forever.
because this is having sadness, but not being sad,
having fear, but not being scared,
having shame, but not being ashamed.
this is having loved, being loved, loving in the future,
and loving in the past, all at the same time.

this is missing her, and missing her, too,
but not thinking about it unless i mean to.
this is grieving and being angry, but not so much
grief-stricken and furious.

this is losing, and having lost, and knowing i will lose,
but holding on and keeping it around,
because i know how i felt and how i feel,
and i know how you felt too.

this is how i feel, tonight, and i think
this might be what everyone looks for
when they peek around corners or
jump in front of closed elevator doors.

every single word you say weighs more than i can take.
every single phrase is laced with poison.
every question mark, exclamation point, semicolon? razor blades.

and i've never been the strong one.
that always fell on your shoulders.
and i've never been one to pick at scabs.
i hate the mess.

so i'll just lay here, and bleed all over your floor.
your favorite color is red,
and i know you like me dead.
so i'm doing you a favor, really.

you're welcome.

come on, now.
every monday? fresh flowers, more tears...
stop crying for me. i’m okay now.
it doesn’t hurt anymore.

i hate when you ask questions.
you don't even listen when i answer.
...do i feel happy now? stop asking me that.

how can i be happy? i miss you guys.
17 years isn’t enough time with a family.
but i don’t hurt, either. i don’t feel anything.
i got what i wanted. so, just.

be happy, move on and be happy.
that’s all i really wanted, to make you guys happy,
and…oh, you’re leaving. okay. well, see you next week.
if….if you wanna come back sooner….
you should.

it gets lonely on the other side.

all i have left are frayed nerves,
a flattened frame from being the doormat,
fingers worn to bone from writing it all out,
and a bunch of angsty poems.

but here's another angsty poem
from pitiful, insignifigant me.
i'll shout this one from the rooftop
and make you see me for who i am.
**** and vinegar and revenge,
sugar and spice and nothing nice.

this is all i have to give, so listen hard.
listen hard because i will never be
this honest again when i say,
oh my god, just tell me you don't care
about me and just want to
use me and get it over with because
i am sick of this *******.

you can tell me you care over
and over again until you are
blue in the face and it's not going
to matter because your actions say
otherwise and words are cheap.

and while you're at it, would you mind,
would you really ******* mind, if i
understood your motives? i was doing
just fine, i really was, i was getting along.
building my walls, brick by cemented brick.

but one word halts construction.
one phrase postpones completion.
and i'm doing it the same way
all over again.

i'm sick of giving myself to something
only to have it snatched away from me.
i'm sick of being the friend who's always there
only have no one be there for me when i need them.
i'm sick of being taken advantage of, i'm sick of...
i'm sick of being second rate.

i'm just sick.

words are cheap and talk is cheaper.
and that is all i've got from you.
actions are worth so, so much more.
straighten up, or i'm out.
thanks.

it's been eight months already
and i could still trace the scars
that danced up your arms as
your hands danced across
my body.

it's been eight months already
and although i hardly knew you
your every kiss breathed life back
into me.

it's been eight months already
and i still don't know what
i was looking for but i found it
in the rise and fall of
our bodies.

it's been eight months already
since you picked up my pieces
and melted them together with
the heat and the passion i saw
in you.

thank you, stranger, for saving me
from myself.

I'm the girl that no one sees,
the girl who's constantly begging please.

I'm all of the world's silent suicides,
the one with stories full of shadowed nights.

I'm the one with the ocean eyes,
and nothing but the best of intentions;
the one getting all the honorable mentions.

we're the kids who keep on quitting.
we're the ones living our lives running.
we **** the threat of smoke with the smell of *** [on our breath].

we're the kids with the blinding smiles.
we're the ones on the late news at eleven.
we **** the threat of a future with the promise of tonight, tonight.

we're the kids who do it for love.
we're the ones making history tonight.
we **** the threat of growing up with the first and last sip of the night.

we're the kids with the pretty eyes.
we're the ones with the broken smiles.
we **** the threat of regret with the scars on our hands, faces, legs.

we're the kids with too-big pupils.
we're the ones with the hyena laughter.
we **** the threat of misunderstanding by not being able to speak.

we're the kids who'll make the difference.
we're the ones you'll remember.
we **** the threat of losing ourselves by giving it up [with one ****].

there's a chill in the air, it's settled into my bones.
bare feet in the cold march air step towards a familiar place.
i'm breathing better than i have in months.
"it's been awhile."
well hi to you, too.
"i know. i'm sorry."
i apologize, but i'm mainly awaiting yours.
the moon draws silver shadows over each of us.
i can see the silhouette of our tree over the lake.
"don't be, i am. but..." [your hand is so heavy on my arm.]
"but...what?"
"i'm finishing what i started. i'm...i'm sorry i let it go on this long."
there is a second, right there, where i think this is going elsewhere.
down a different road, with a different soundtrack to lead the way.
but i think, even then, i knew.

"if you scream, it'll be the last thing you do."
you're getting off on this. this is not a game.
this is not a game, and it hurts.
this is not a game, i'm scared, and i close my eyes.
"open your eyes."
no.
"open your **** eyes."
i always liked having my hair played with.
this is nothing like that.
"much better."
hot breath rushing over my ear, my face, my lips.
into my mouth.
oh...there goes dinner.
"you gonna behave now?"
i have no choice. you're choking me.
i can't breathe.
"you looking at it?"
yes. how can i not?
i always thought it was a lovely weapon.
"yeah, i won't hesitate to use it. don't push me."
i'd never dream of it.
besides, i can't move my arms.
"don't push me, *****. don't push me."
you'll find me very compliant if you continue this.
i fear i won't have much of an option.

oh, and to think this is but the beginning.

friday, let's play hooky. we'll nap in my car.
just let me be where you are.

saturday, up at 2. we'll sleep in late.
just let me wake where you are.

sunday, up at 6. we'll never sleep.
just let me see a sunrise with you.

monday, up at 8. we'll miss our last bell.
just let me skip with you.

tuesday, up at 10. we'll miss first bell.
just let me sleep in with you.

wednesday, up at 8. we'll behave today.
i just want friday with you.

thursday, up at 9. we'll go for breakfast.
i just want it all with you.

Apologies, apologies, I won’t say it’s okay
Stop apologizing, I don’t think you’re sorry
Apologies, apologies, wasted breath
Stop apologizing, it falls on deaf ears

One glance in the mirror, smiling
One glance in the mirror, hiding
One glance in the mirror, healing

I’ve moved on, stop apologizing
I’ve moved on, don’t you see?
Abandoning me, forgetting me
You mean so little to me

It’s tragic and it’s sad and, and you
You meant so much to me
But you mean so little to me

There I go again, oh tragedy
Lying again, what a sin
I’m lying to myself, it’s silly
But I’m lying to myself when I say
When I say you mean so little to me

There is no problem in feeling
I've never claimed such a silly thing
But it's known, a proven fact
That too much feeling, that solid entity
Is common man's common enemy

And here I go, here I go again
Crash and burn, fading fast, burning out
He argues, exhale and repent, press repeat
Do you hear the bitterness, she's healing

Healing, healing, hating but healing
Moving on, it's about time, isn't it?
Fizzle out and close your eyes

She dreams in red, she dreams in black
She dreams in hate, she dreams in pain
She dreams and dreams and feels
Oh how she finally feels, and this time...

She doesn't care that there's no one there
Praise be to the angels, the angels, the angels on high
She doesn't care that there's no one there

It was meant to be, supposed to be
Such a crime, violation, humiliation
Illegal intimidation
This is the first she'll write of it
Is this the last you'll hear of it?
I hope so, I hope so

Maybe you won't even hear of this
Maybe she won't even read this
Maybe she won’t even have written this
She will though, she will

She'll scream and scream and I, I will cry with her
We will cry and we will scream
I guess I'll admit it here
But her and I, we're one in the same
Same in the one, you could say
But oh, we're not together

Gotta keep us separated, it's suicide
Selfish personal slaughter, suicide
To put them together

I can't sleep, she can't breathe
She can't sleep, I can't breathe
We wonder, does this make sense?
We wonder, should it make sense?

Don't be frightened, isn’t this how it's supposed to be?
What a poem, what a poet, and hell yes she knows it
Even if you don't, she knows it
She can feel it, this is what she does
Who she is, it's her power

Take a picture, does it last?
Write a poem, the words will last
Draw a flower with words flying
I take something that was never there
And make a blind man see

There’s something else I do
And **** it if it didn’t get me in trouble with you
I thought in forevers, in forevers with you
We talked in forevers, in when-we-get-aways
What we’re doing tomorrow, inconsequential
Until tomorrow became today

And today, tomorrow, yesterday
There was nothing
I’m sorry to bring you in this
This twisting, conniving, forgetting
But it’s necessary, so deal with it
You started it, I ended it
Let me be the one who ended it
I needed the control, need to have taken it
There, at the end, that needs to be mine

I’m going back, back to the beginning
Because it stopped hurting awhile ago
It makes me smile now, smile
Because I know what I did to you, for you
Because I know what I do to you

I love you, I hate you.
You broke me, you saved me.
Completely original, full of clichés.
You knew me completely, as I knew you.
A stranger to me, as I am to you.
Predictably unpredictable.
Disgusting but endearing.
This is the end, this is the beginning,
of everything we are.
And everything we’re not.

I have learned three things in life.
I have lost three things in life.

Faith- a curtain to hide behind, crutches to hold me up.
Faith- a broken record of lies and hypocrisy, when I threw it away I could stand alone.

Hope- an intangible thing of optimistic beauty.
Hope- pessimism is so much safer.

Love- promises, worries, caring, blind, deaf and dumb, not even minding.
Love- remember the memories, throw away the promises, don’t cross those lines.

I now look for these three things in life.

She can find freedom here.
She can be happy here.
She wishes to stay forever here.

Galloping, cantering, chaotically awry.
Flying as one, two beings, seamless lines.
She can find freedom here.

The sun slips gently from the sky.
Her fingers tangled in copper mane.
She wishes to stay forever here.

A whinny, a nicker, a smile as she cries.
She loves what this means to her.
She can find freedom here.

She talks to him, because his eyes don’t lie.
Ears swept forward, and those gentle honey eyes.
She wishes to stay forever here.

Twelve hundred pounds of unbridled energy.
He’s her biggest, closest friend.
She can find freedom here.

The tears she cried beneath a twinkling blue-black
Sky shone with a light of hidden silver.

The blade of the knife he drew across her thigh
Instilled in her a fear, mixed in blood and silver.

Violence forces humility, she‘s guilty.
The big bad wolf has teeth of steel, of silver.

The March moon spills shadows tonight, no light.
Behind the clouds the moon will hide, tonight there is no light of silver.

After this, her every night will be spent in hiding.
She doesn’t trust the moon anymore, stays away from its light of silver.

Sarah knows these can’t be her golden years.
These years are at best a tarnished silver.

yes, let’s.
let’s never.
never again.
again, please.
please, let’s.
let’s not.
not ever.
ever again.
again, yes.