3 years is a long time. a long time for anything. 3 years of pain and fear and more than a touch of shame is a ******* lifetime. 3 years of breathing freely being a chore, dreading being alone, and wishing constantly for a dreamless sleep is hell. it never gets easy, only easier, and some days you wish for it to be your last. how do you explain not wanting to be alive, but not wanting to die? how do you tell yourself, one more breath? one more hour, one more day? you don't. you just keep going anyway. forever.