I'm not scared of death.
I'm not scared of pain.
I'm not scared of ghosts
Nor monsters.
I'm scared of myself
And what I'm capable of
How I treat myself behind closed doors
Cuts here and there
Blood stains underneath my nails
I'm scared that one day I'll end it
Before I even realize what I've done

I often contemplate
On the complexity of life
Why darkness still dominates
Even when it's bright

It always seems like
While others are fine
I tend to be the only one
That wants to die

Drunk on thoughts
Disgusted with life
Get me out of here
I'm drowning inside

Intoxicated with madness
I'm in love with my sadness
The pain is overwhelming
Can't you see me crumbling?

If there is a God
I want to ask Him why
Why did He leave me
Holding onto lies

I try to suppress my memories
But instead
I keep them close to me
Only to find out
It is what that kills me

She came into this world
By accident.
Never planned,
But her parents
Didn’t regret a thing.

She grew up with
Her hands stretched out,
Hungry for knowledge
And taking in
Everything she
Could reach.

She was only 9 years old,
When she saw both her parents
Screaming at each other.
She didn’t understand,
“Why are mummy and
Daddy fighting?”
She asked as tears
Started to fall from
Her eyes to her
Delicate skin.
Her parents sighed as
They knew it wasn’t
Working out.
Things were crashing down.

She was only 10 years old
When her daddy left her.
As he carried his bags
Out the door,
She cried,
“Where are you going, daddy?”
He left, without a word.

She grew up,
Without love.
She grew up,
Believing  that
Love is the problem.

She never trusted love.
She never wanted love.
She never needed love.

She was only 13
When she took
Her first puff
Of cigarette.
She was hoping
That her misery
Would fade away,
Just like the smoke.

She was only 15
When she was suicidal.
Nobody knew about
Her struggles.
Nobody knew
She cried herself
To sleep, wishing everything
Was different and simple.
Her wrist was like
Her own canvas,
Covered with scars,
New and old.

She was drowning,
In her miseries.
All she wanted
Was someone to save her,
Or least teach her
How to swim,
But no one did.

She was drowning,
As she watched
People around her
Minding their own lives.

Till this day,
She’s still
Drowning,
Still
Struggling.

And no one
Cares enough
To save her.

I'm tired.
Of all that got to do with the thing we call life.
I know it ain't easy to reach the peak of the top.
I know.
I know that it'll take a whole lot more of tears and wounds.
I know that it'll take more than just a drop of sweat.
I know it'll take more than bruises and cuts.
But yet.
I'm still standing right here.
Not intending to move a muscle.
Not trying to make a change.
Not willing to do a sacrifice.
I know.
I should wake myself up.
So that I'll know where I really stand.
But yet, my mind said stay still and do nothing.

Each breath hurts,
in my chest and in my mind
Such a poor example of life,
this heaving chest,
up and down, break dancing inside my shirt
not even a consistent rhythm

You see it mirrors my heart (a broken metronome)  
in silent convulsions
that no one sees

and I become the fool, the giggles from the back row,
that guy picking his nose in the car
thinking he is invisible,
like that cloud on the horizon
attempting to sneak past the sunset
without being noticed…bright florescent pink

But I have always been this fool,
I fall, I get up only to fall again…
you would think I would have learned by now

My fingers hurt as
they move about the keys
in interrupted design patterns
finding small lettered squares (shapes)
pushing up, harder than I push down,
but not because of the action…

it is the words, all of these words
thoughts, ideas, dreams, just as a Christmas tree in a fireplace
up in smoke…though slower, more painful…

Pine needle ashes in reruns, always reruns

and I'll finally be discharged!
I'll finally be on my way back home.

I'll finally be able to show I can do this.