Ancient wounds ~ Comet wishes


Bleeding from these ancient wounds
Falling to the earth below
Mud red, blood red, softening the ground
My footprints ache in format patterns

So long the wounds, of age defined,
Dripping masses in the mist
Marked for life, while a beating heart
pumps eternal fluid fears

Watching as the puddles grow,
round at first and then obscure
Fading faster than the sun
on its westward trek of daylight shadows

Weak…I find my eyes they stare
off into the crowning moon
Beams of effervescent glow
shroud me in unknown pleasures

Rising above the crusted mounds
Light as any whispered breeze
Words now call in sweet caress
Melodies of past preferred ring

Lyrics sung to me and me alone
A language that my soul does speak
Piano keys in blended black and white
string together lasting impressions

Symphonies of a healing concerto
press upon my quivered skin
Scars now dance at the revival
and still my feet don’t find the floor

My hand is touched, fingers moved
Warmth embraces this awkward grip
as peace flows, smooth, soft, subtle
through my veins

The bleeding has ceased
Disappeared among comet wishes
and my heart, once silent, now sings
in harmony with her voice…and I dream

I am not the man you marry.
Not at all!

I've never had a good job
I've never owned a nice car
and I don’t buy dinner.

Your mother will hate the way I dress
your father won’t trust me
and your girlfriends won’t ever be impressed
that you got me because

I am not the man you marry.
Not at all!

I drink too much
I smoke too many cigarettes
and I like to get high sometimes.

You’re right to think I’m crazy
you’re wrong to think I’ll ever stop being so
and if you ever thought you could change me
than you’re two cans short of a six pack because

I am not the man you marry.
Not at all!

I’ll make you nervous
I’ll make you uncertain about your beliefs
and I won’t ever apologize for being me.

You'll cry
you'll hurt
and you’ll try
to make it work because

I am the man you love
but I am not the man you marry.

There is so much running through my head and it is preventing me from sleeping. Which I suppose is okay since we are 4 days from Christmas and I have yet to do any shopping. The therapist would tell me to stop “indulging” and live up to my responsibilities…(Like anyone ever “mirrored” that for me!) The therapist would probably tell me to stop listening to music that seems to make me feel even more depressed…but here I sit, anyway, head phones on, listening anyway.

But I feel so effing worthless and sad right now.  Here I sit in the midst of two Christmas trees, a mantle full of poinsettias and lights, garland strung on the banisters, frosty jingling behind me and I cannot FEEL any of it.  And I want to FEEL it right now!  I want to feel all the good things in my life…and I can't, which makes me even more frustrated.  And the only way to force it is to hit the liquor cabinet (which I have not yet ruled out).  

I don't think I intentionally planned it this way but the holidays are usually very busy here...which adds to my stress level as I deal with “family” events. Three birthdays to celebrate as well as the 26th being my 23rd anniversary. And I can't get caught up in it this year!  I want to and I can't.  

And here I sit thinking how I have been married to a man for 23 years and he does not even know me and I'm wondering how that happened.  But the reality is, no one really knows me... He loves who he "thinks" Nita is...but I am not really that person at all.  And it's really tiring for me to keep pretending to be her after 23 years.  

It's been a long long week…I got caught up in the suburban fantasy...it happens...I have fallen and the past can't be undone.

I messed up...I don't feel well at all tonight...not at all...

...I think it is time to go check out that liquor cabinet...

Do you really like me
Do you really like to hear me talk
Do you really like the way I say I love you