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This is a different kind of missing you.

This is a gentle yet rushing I miss you,

the I care about you and want the world for you I miss you.

This is the I can still feel your twinkling fingers dancing along

my arms—with careful touch for a freshman lover—I miss you.

-

But my muscles aren’t shaking anymore with missing you I miss you,

and this is the I think I know now that you miss me too but you still

haven’t said the words to me and neither have I but I"m

pretty sure now and that makes me miss you in a more

understated yet understood way.

-

I didn’t cry yesterday. Or today.

Tears may have touched my vision,

but they never blurred it.

I’m not afraid of this kind of missing you.

It’s much sweeter than before.

It’s the I care about you and I want the world for you I miss you,

and I want to be somewhere in that world I miss you,

but it’s okay if I’m not right next to you for that to happen…

I miss you.
I am lost.

I am vacant.

I have no space to occupy.

-

There is air.

I can’t breathe it.

There are only hard lips

and crushed butterflies.

-

I see the sky.

I am lost in its

appeal to steal me away.

-

I contemplate

and I consider the

choice of flying far far away.

-

I was once only a dreamer,

a doe-eyed romantic,

who wrote letters next to

short coffee cups.

-

But the cups got taller,

and the words grew longer,

and I moved onto Wonderland.

-

It’s the in-between, the far

behind-the-scenes, where

no one will ever look to find

these dreams.

-

So I’ll store you away there,

with your tea and honeysuckle,

and I’ll tie my feet to the bed

so I can’t leave again.

-

I contemplate again,

and I consider the choice

of flying far far away,

-

of jumping on a plane, or of you

doing these things, but then I

remember one truth:

you live in reality, and I don’t.
She’s still got her makeup on

from the last night that she lived.

The blue in her crease, the electric shade

fuzzing out, like the awkward ending of a telephone call,

if people even make those

any more.

I wonder if they do.

-

Her hair half curled,

her smile still set,

from flashing itself across the room

again and again

dance after dance.

I wonder if she’ll change her clothes before she goes out again.

-

New time, new place,

But new faces can mean same clothes, same face,

same made-up face,

to greet one another.

A bit of rearranging is all it will take

for the girl to continue on

without making any change to herself.

She can play the game for another night.

I wonder if she’ll do this again when tonight comes to an end.
This is the only advice I’ll ever give:
you cannot fall in love with people
who don’t know how to love,
so please, for the sake of him,
and your mother, and expensive therapy bills,
don’t even try.

You can love him, all you like
but you cannot fall in love
with him. You can fall in love
with the idea of him, and fall in love
with the idea of finally fixing him,
and his arms wrapped around you
while you sleep, chasing away the nightmares
that started when you met him.

Love, you deserve a person who
will make you see that the Sun is ready
to heal you all over again each morning,
and who will open your eyes the right way:
with kisses and a cup of tea, someone who will
try their best to love your friends, your family,
and the stranger carrying their groceries.

Don’t allow him to keep
any more pieces of your already cracking heart.
He doesn’t deserve them, not yet.
If he learns to love, and love himself, and learns to
be with people without nearly destroying them in the process,
then rejoice, because you can heal together.

But he doesn’t want help, he doesn’t want you,
you cannot fix him - you can love him, and please do,
I encourage it, but do not fall in love with him
and don’t think you deserve someone better,
because you will not stoop to be bitter and petty,
it’s only that you deserve
someone who is ready.
I sit inside my podunk room,
As a million meteors make mad dashes
For different conners of The Universe
Like galactic kids stuck in a game of
Sharks and Minnows.
They snap their space caps over their heads,
Adjust their goggles, and dive into the galaxy;
With the refreshing burn of
Firery friction against their faces
As they glide through the galaxy.

Above my head these nova swimmers soar,
As I pull a folded list from a desk drawer
And lean out the window with a quilt
To stop the chill from getting to me.
I close my eyes and let the cold moon light
Reflect off my surface and pale my skin.
The moon has no purpose but to moon bathe  with, of course.
Of the meteors that circle the sky
I have a very different purpose for.

One by one I recite wishes,
One special I had saved just for this night;
Scribbled in marker with fast hands belonging to a busy brain,
Elegant cursive dawned by a deary mind,
My best script for my friendly letters.
Some I whisper, some I shout,
Some I struggle just to get out.
But one by one these wishes are told
To the night sky, the meteors swimming pool.

Suddenly the windowsill creaks and cracks
My eyes snap open, the timber of my home breaks
And my house, my yard, the trees and the leaves
All disappear, and suddenly,
I am splashing and slushing  in a puddle of
Endless Blue Water until I
get the sense about me to swim.

I swim until the water reaches my head,
My eyes, my nose, my chin,
Drains from my ears
Splatters on my shoulders.
I walk when I can, through
A tunnel of cattails, seaweed, and pond things,
Like a swamp without a sky,
That make the Endless Blue Water a canal with
A wooden door that I reach
After many steps.

Knocking twice, I stand patient
Busy with the thought of what brought me here.
A slot in the door slides open,
Old eyes framed by glasses peer back at me.
"Go away!" The old man barks,
"I can't let you in. All of
The water will get everywhere on my feet."
I stand, my eyes pleading with angst,
Eyelashes that drip water.
"No, it's ok Grandpa. Let her in,
She is tired." A voice, gentle and sweet, speaks
With a melody of a thousand guitars
Tuned to the exact preference of my own ears.

With a grumble and groan.
A click and a clack,
The slot slides shut harshly
And with a creak and force,
The floor flies open and
I am urged by the Sweet Voice to
"Hurry Great Darling! Hurry!"
And I squeezed through
The door, but so does the
Viscous water.

It flows rapidly past the door jam,
And the owner of the Sweet Voice scrambles
To convice the hinges that they
Want to turn the other way.
The dusty ground I now stand on
Quickly turns to mud, as the water flows.
We cannot stop the water from flowing.

The water makes a will of its own,
Rises with vigorous ebb,
And carries Sweet Voice's Grandfather with it
Into the dust bowl in which it surges so fiercely to.
I go with it, emerged once again as I
Grasp for a wrist, an ankle,
A collar, until I find a strap
Of a suspender, and hold fast to the door handle,
As Sweet Voice whispers hopes
That the water will stop. He grits his teeth, and
I'll never forget what he said:

"You are magnificent, Great Darling.
I would have loved you endlessly."

And with that, the water reversed,
Taking the sweet voice back into
The Tunnel of Pond Things,
And slamming the door shut.

The Grandfather and I, sat on grassy moss
That once was barren dirt, that climbed into fingernails
And settled homes between human and calcium.
The Endless Blue Waters  had cleansed the dirt from before,
But had also taken my lovely paramour.

And with this, I wailed great echoes
That shook the ground, because
The sweet voice was the wish
Whispered so delicately but so
Anxiously on my windowsill
That lonely night.

After my fit, I turned to see
Great followers of the Barren Lands,
Ghastly beasts with spots and rabbit ears,
Humans with skin clear, great dragons
That inspired no fear, that
All stood before the Grandfather and I.
They held their hands before their faces,
Checked their teeth, and found it free of the dust
And dirt that haunted their days.

A great feast was arranged,
A thousand chairs at seven hundred tables,
All lined with a feast
Of cooked carrots and sweet potatoes,
Texas toast and orange marmalade,
Corn beef and root beer;
As kites with tails and laughter with squeals
Floated through with wind and smoke
Of campfires yellow, all
To celebrate the arrival of me,
The Great Darling,
Who had cleansed the Barren Lands
And brought about the begining of
The Hallow Lands.

I sat alone at this great feast,
Weary of my loss, when I felt
A tapping on my shoulder. It was
The Sweet Voice who had returned.  
I asked, elated by his arrival, about the
Means of his return, and he replied:

"The moon has more purpose than you
Assumed, Great Darling.
The moon controls all tides, and
With its power on my side, I asked it to
Take me back to you, and kindly it did, as
the moon understands that poles and magnetism
Are not the only forces than bring great things together;
That love can do that great deed too."

We sat under the lemon tree,  
My quilt, retrieved on Sweet Voice's journey,
Spread beneath us, as we watched the moon
Circle the sky for many nights,
Until we decided to join in its company.
One by two, we stepped up stepping stones
On a hill that reached the meteors pool,
Where my paramour and I lived
In galactic happiness forever more.
This boy's got a heavy weight;
Dangling 'round his neck,
Hanging 'pon his chest

Don't know where to go
                    what to wear
                    who he'll meet

Well maybe,
it's his time to wait on mystery.



One evening far from now
Forget 'bout father
Learn what true love is

Don't know how to touch
                    what to say
                    who to be

Well maybe,
it's time to leave independence bay.



A guitar once said, "you can't start a fire,
you can't start a fire
[not] without a spark"

Don't know how to live
                    how to love
                    or give faith

Well maybe,
time has come to give that heart away.




*This was inspired in part by thoughts from the day and in part to listening to my all time favorite cover, Mat Kearney's rendition of Bruce Springsteen's "Dancing in the Dark." Enjoy
The lyrics in quotations are NOT original and are the property of Mr. Springsteen's estate.
All other material, ©Anthony Heatherly , 2012
the past moments blur
together in a rush of colorful
awareness, no more words to describe
conversation permeating the dark, sometimes
walking quickly and then ever so slowly

something holding the two to a bit of nature, as if
it were a magnifying glass to free them from anything
else, only breathing only freedom ever closer and
there's nowhere but here there's
nothing but now

keep it up keep it
up for as long as you can
the beauty the simplicity

all I write could be meaningless
and I would remain as I am
and no one has to know
how could anyone?

tonight it is clear
and no one else has to know

did you
see the flash? gone
off like a bulb to record
this company in wooden memory

don't tell me what you
don't have the words for
I understand

dreaming is only
one way

I want you to see yourself
through my eyes and through
my heart
for you to know
tonight
how you are
to me
inspired by the gray between awake and dreaming
I didn't know

     after all those band-aids we so
    painstakingly crafted for each other years
       years ago
                           yours had fallen off

    I wish you I wish you
      I wish you had told me sooner it's
not
     the best time to get a call like that in
            a sunny dog park
          
            but I will be there for you if you're here
                there for you when you leave
             there for you PERIOD.

                    nothing will change that

  It's funny, no matter
            how long I rub my eyes, I can't seem to
      catch my breath catch it maybe nope

             I will be there tomorrow
                and we will talk about our past

and your future
Everyone wants to
                           box things up
                 Seal it all behind zippers
       and buttons and clips and plastic wrap

         In the hopes that what is
                               inside the box is
                In some way better than what
                                             Exists outside
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