My heart tightens in my chest
Like squeezing out the last bit of toothpaste.

My stomach coils into knots
Like a wet towel being wrung out of ***** water.

My brain bounces around in my head
Like the little ball in a pin ball machine.

Around and around it goes.
Where it stops nobody knows.

Which is precisely my fear.
The fear of the unknown.

Or worse.
The fear that my future is headed towards my imminent failure.

One minute I’m fine.
But then a sudden upset.

I’m not fine.
I’m on the verge of a panic attack.

My palms start to sweat
Like a glass of sweet tea in the Carolina sun.

My hands shake
Like the leaves on the trees during a storm.

My arm hair rises
Like a white flag in wartime.

I cannot control this feeling.
This feeling controls me.

I surrender to you,
*my anxiety.

There's a sadness in the air.
Holding tightly on the throats.
Of all the little children and their
gentle child hope. There's a sadness
in the air, pressing tightly to the
lips. Of all the lonely lovers and the
hated that they miss. There's a sadness
in the air,squeezing lightly on the
hand of the victims and their loved
ones and the things for all they stand.
There's a sadness in the air leaking
doubt into the minds of angels and
their charges, sounds like a terrible
moaning rhyme.

Before it became a crush,
we were family friends.
You slipped in and out of my parent's parties.
I saw you only in passing.
We were never introduced...

...formally, that is.
The first time I saw you out of my house
was that night.
The night we first spoke.
You comforted me and
cradled me in your arms.
I was with all my best friends,
but you and I seemed to fit so perfectly.
Some say we took those first steps too quickly.
It wasn't love right away, but I was
intrigued by you and your
sense of warmth.

After nights similar to the first,
I began to think of you a lot.
If a weekend would pass without you in it,
in me,
it was incomplete.
I yearned for your touch
and the way you made my skin prickle.
My lips tingle in the thought of you now.

At the beginning, it was simply fun with you.
Innocent fun with no repercussions.
That is when I learned to love you.
I loved how you didn't have a plan or sense of direction.
You were spontaneous.
I was insecure and fragile, looking for someone,
something,
just like you.
At first, you brought out the best in me,
showed me that when we were together,
I meant something,
and I will always thank you for that.

There were times when I questioned your worth.
Some nights you would engulf me,
take everything of me,
chew me up
and spit me back out.
You never threatened me, or hurt me.
I just loved you so much that I would do anything you said.
Maybe I was angry with you in the morning,
but I always forgave you the next time we were together.
Run up to you and hug you, and you would kiss me twice on each cheek.
Like you always had.
As if nothing had happened.
Somehow promising that tonight would be better.

From that first night to now,
our love affair has been consistent.
I always want you
and your smooth touch.
And even after every time you put me down.
You're always the one to pull me back up.
I've shared so many memories with you,
dark and messy nights,
poetic and spiritual ones too.
Every time I hear your name or
know that you are near,
my eyes widen.
I bite my lip and smile.
I get shaky and anticipate your arrival.

Some people love you superficially.
They are the ones who don't easily forgive.
But you know that I will always love you.
Some will try to tear us apart,
saying that you don't love me back.
That you can't.
They've tried and lost.
Even if I don't directly receive love in return,
the way you make me feel, and act, and cry,
lets me know that you do love me.
You are the only one who can hurt me
as much as you have,
and know that I will always run back into your arms.

I am not afraid of death
It's peaceful like the trees
I am not afraid of death
It can consume me
Lips locked around my viens
**** away my life
Bids away all the pain
Bids away my strife
Tonight I close my eyes
And dream of the afterlife
Tonight I lay to die
And softly say goodnight

Sleep is my escape.
My sweet temporary,
lost in  the imaginary,
ignoring the contemporary,

escape.

A love that I hate.
Because of this disease,
the twisted reality tease,
lost in the seven seas,

help me I pray,
continuously.
never-ending.

This is what I see
shades of the sky
sweet vista I crave,
but it fades
as I wake
Reality infects imagination,
soon it dies.

This is no place for a dreamer.

Seek your allies.
Many fight your battle, my dear.
They are not all far away, they are near.
This is war.
Because you listened to the mirror.

*But how do I find them?

There's strands of gold in her hair
Withering like cancer
Her smile hides within her eyes
Like galaxies slowly exploding
She swirls her tongue across her teeth
Biting on her bottom lip with seductive intent
She crawls victim to my bed
Begging and pleading
She whispers desire
With ***** accents
Begging and pleading
For me to undress her skin

...