you're shouting;
i'm freezing

there is a chill caught between
my teeth and trailing up my
shivering arms oh
god you know i can't
breathe when you are spitting
your fire at my feet
and i thought you were the
gentle, the fireplace i wanted to
curl up next to every night until
the frost took me away for the
very last time
right there by your side
warmth i was so terrified of getting
used to because its all so *******
cold

out here where you've
left me to fade away into the
same nothingness, the
same cold i felt under every
shadow of the sun's, everywhere except
when you wrapped me tight
in your arms like
i was a little flower you couldn't bear an
entire winter without

it's always winter in here
the spring never touches my soul
oh god oh god it's so very
cold please
why won't you

let me come home
anymore?

she crushes my hand in hers
bones almost crunching as
the ice in my veins thaws
with my pulse

hers is faster, wild like
the way she does her eyes
black lines smudging into hard
edges every time she cries
but i like the soft of her fingers
as she falls asleep, our hands
a tangle of friends and who are
we kidding you are everything i didn't need
until that very first time you sang
for me and i almost punched your stupid
cheeks because because because

there are no reasons;
just you and my shaking
wrist turning over and your thumb
so gentle on skin i have
only ever dreamed of slashing apart

'there's your pulse, you see?'

and just like that i am
alive again

are you tired of
being the pretty little jar
i keep next to my bed
the one i reach for when
i wish i could trade the coins
under my pillow for a few
more stars to keep by
my side

i'm sorry
i can't read love notes in the dark

how can i forget
how could i ever believe
that  was a thing to
hold and you were a thing to
keep

you look at me
like i am sunset slipping
away
from your fingers like
silk and satin while
my fingers tremble
and quake and ache to be so far
away

you are still looking at me
my fingers curl into
fists crushing petals that
are never there
don't look at me i know
i left the flowers to rot
and wilt among dusty windows
and picture frames three nights ago
i know you wanted the roses
next to the bed or between us
somewhere to remind me of
things you only say when
your arms become shore and
i cannot breathe

they were such pretty little things
pinks and reds and dawn and dusk
did you know? i cradled your roses
to my chest until the scent of
flowers and you
and sweet and kindness and hope and
love became suffocation and memory
of everything you poured into
my thirsty hands that i did not
deserve
everything i watched rain down
my feet through the faultlines cracking
along my palms the way your
gentle fingers would whisper
against mine as you fell asleep with
your head cradling mine and forever
still on your lips

i look back at you
and my fingers are only my
own again and they were such
pretty little things but i am only

*nothing

i was born from
an ocean, tidal wave
crashing background noise and
sizzling foam seashore
rage and salty tears that
burn the back of your
throat on the way down
when you try to sleep but
her seashells are howling
wrath in your ears
so loud your heart gives
in to the moon coaxing
tremors and pieces out
of your bones with every wax
and every wane
until all you are is
shattered crustacean breeze and
unwelcome footsteps bruising the
shoreline every time you
try to scream

i was born from
a man who did not know enough
to cast away his fishing
net far away from a woman
with piranha blood in her veins
and a kraken resting within;
she will tear him
apart
you cannot cage the sea
she has her own rivers and
tributaries like poison
dripping from everything she
hisses at the sky

but i am only the
fire
the gentle, the water in
me has slowly dripped
away until droplets of angry
sun have taken its place
its burning in my
veins
this blood is too dilute
to be set alight this
away
i cannot blame the moon,
sly as she is,
these are no tidal convulsions
i cannot control,
only volcano breath
madness and a thirst for
the burn, the crackle of a
flame of my own
accord

who to blame, who
to blame
she is the sea that howls
endlessly
he is fisherman, trembling as he guts her
away, scale by mirror scale stained
by ****** fingers
that still believe that controlling
nature is what it means to
be man, to deserve woman,
to live and to die underneath
a headstone even the ocean
will dare not touch

and i,
sea salt stings its way through every
inch of my skin
so instead my wildfire heartbeat
thumps lava, desperate to
expel my mother from the
depths of my drowning
lungs

we are not
the same
i don't want her
in me anymore
oh god, why

won't you let me
breathe ashes the
way she breathes
her own sorrow?

i. my mother plays with
   knives
   while i play with the lock
   on the bathroom door
   my hands have stopped
   shaking on
   the doorknob a long
   time ago

ii. some days
    i'd rather be splayed dead
    and ****** on the
    street than walk all
    the way back
    home

iii. she never lets me sleep
      as long as i need;
      can she tell that closing
      my eyes is all it takes to fade
      away from this place

iv. i want to be somewhere
     a million miles away

v. mama,
    please stop screaming
    i can't sleep