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Sara Reilly Feb 2016
this is just an estimation of
other words i have for you
this is not my entire truth
semi-recognizable

i am just one of the people who
like looking down thru
what the way-down brings,
is bringing me to

head down, under attack
pleading to be drowned
begging more, eyes rolled back
bound and choked in half

give me the most and more,
all of the descent
cant you feel my cold cold skin
the death of good intent

inevitably reprehensible
this manner of unacceptable
politely pretending proximity to you
without sliding easily into
the familiarity of our own
private black hole vacuum

back slide discovery,
rare delicacy you consume
all but delicately
**** red raw the wound
my insides out from me
my feigned innocence
exhumed

where in the void you radiate
everything i desire
friction burn ignite
supernova fire
instant spasm implosion
silent screaming perfect
chaos opening and closing
bring a star shining to death

until nothing persists in vacancy
all what of me is left
one small frozen exhaling
tiny puff of breath
dissipating, frail, fragile
your hand closing in vain
around the fading intangible
every second reinventing pain,

bringing emptiness by the handful
and every very good reason not to
believe in me, instead,
to be very careful
with the perverse purity of the dead

nowhere now to hide because
everywhere is findable
no way now to get lost because
everything is definable
no way now to lie because
my mouth breaks hearts that way
no way now to say
what you wanna hear
because i have swallowed that away

except, obviously
don't follow me down
don't appear beside me
this was never steady ground
despite what we’d like to think

obviously, my friend
don't let me get away with it
or let me let you again
don't pretend smile sarcastic,
even if this is an ironic end,
this is hard enuff to give and take,
without making light, or laughing fake,
permanent ink black out that night
indelibly erase

i just have to cry and write this down
because you know exactly every detail why
and because officially on paper
its not really a good bye

i have no discipline
except when it comes to the pen
i can capitalize on a beginning,

as you well know,

and now, here,
i will punctuate an end.
Sara Reilly Feb 2016
wake up the same way
need nothing, no reminding
every dawn brings yesterday
memory rewinding

this morning you owe me
debt outstanding overdue
what you did is not free
neither is what you didnt do

big boys arent so clever
little girls grow up
forgetting to remember
especially love can be corrupt

no more once upon a time
no more happily ever after
no more believe the pretty lie
the rescue is disaster

heros turn liars
sleep betrayed by sun
bed made to set fires
burn in it til im done
  til another yesterday comes
  burn today all gone
  til another yesterday comes
Sara Reilly Feb 2016
i can not hurt you
and help you too
these are two things
impossible to do
together simultaneously
because of the way you feel about me

you shud hate me now
for stealing from you
for doing what a thief wud do
for lying the way a liar lies too
for not doing what i promised i wud
for not being as strong as i cud
for taking your heart out from your chest
for doing my worst when i am at my best
for getting past your big thick wall
only to prove you dont know me at all

i can create pain without you knowing
hurt you
with a smile showing
you sed you saw this betrayal coming
then why didnt you set off  the **** running
straight away from inevitability
to get the hell away from me

are you like me after all
a *******, do you like to fall
just too feel the screaming pain
just to watch the blood again
is that why you let me do this to you
so you cud feel something new
anguish is such a novelty
when you pretend to think you’re so happy
but i dont think you like the pain
not the way i like the pain
you dont want to make it hurt
you want to escape it first
before it leaves a lasting mark
i for one, i love my scars
cut me all up and down
bring the pain all around
numb me out i wanna drown
open vein blood rush sound
i indulge in being
more lost than found
by the end of this page i will be
gone
completely
totally
maybe by then
you will know me
better than you thot you did
know i still dont know
and i didnt mean to be bad
know i was just an ideal
that you never really had
know that i am a traitor
know that i am weak
know that you are not my savior
know that i am a freak
know that i want
everything thats bad for me
know that i flaunt
my life’s tragedy
just for a little connection
a little negative attention
i am not the good girl
you wud have in your suspension
of disbelief
i am a cheat
i am deplored
and you do not want to know me
not anymore
Sara Reilly Feb 2016
my heart
floats
in your hand

her red body
your command

my pulse
buoyant
by your breath

without you
a loveless death

my blood swims
for your devotion
you are the air
i am the ocean
Sara Reilly Feb 2016
uncovering me
discovery
territory yours
noticing you
knowing me
more completely more
to my knees
on the floor
shamelessly implore
too heavy this to mention
too unabashed i adore
so truth is silent written
forbidding you to read
until the i lay hidden in
the needing of this need
Sara Reilly Feb 2016
i am sick to death
undying want of you
tempting plague
you **** me dead
    unspoken words
    die with me too

dubious angel come then to me
all spine, bones and crooked teeth
my desire without check
take your back your throat your neck
push teeth-mouth against mine, barely just
pull hair, carotid, adams apple ******
dilated eyes, breathing tight
locked knees, hips, thighs
cold brick conspires to hold us up
scrape my skin, push my luck
press together blood rush loud
anonymous sin crushed in a crowd
public display of affection
this is how i beg for your attention

(did i say i wuddnt do this again?
make another list like this?
oh, but here i am
your own personal stalker, semi-******
your own personal escapist and
dont you feel loved, or is it obsessed after,
dont you love to be the focus of my own private disaster?)

how does it feel to be a secret
to be really undefined?
not a friend, not an enemy
not a lover, not an every,
existing as the other, as an any of many
something only vague, definitely a blur
at least you're irresistible,underline bold italics, absolutely for sure

no, you dont want any part of me
my begging, my pulling, my poetry,
there is nothing promising in these words, these actions
just the unrelenting agony
of dissatisfaction

so this is the end of the runaway
unable to breathe at the normal rate
in the company of what i anticipate
you bring, so instead i suffocate
close my eyes
this is how i pretend to die
the only way i can have you, this,
resurrected as my former self, Miss-
getting-away-with-it
and you are the Hereafter
welcoming the chaos
of my cadaver

    my plot is thin, my pulse weak
    and though my limbs cold
    they are yours to keep
Sara Reilly Feb 2016
Haunt me you
In my sleep
Semi true
Bad-good Dreams
You are not inside who
Your outsides seem to be
But I am a girl
In girl’s clothing
Innocent dissident
Night holds me down
My submission solicited
Sideways somehow
My fall compounded
Repeated impact
Your memory the knife
Stuck in my back
Blood keeps us close
I give — you take
Misplaced love
Cannot be faked
Fantastic trust
Perfect mistake
Backward lust
Turned subconscious ****
Secrets decay inside of me
Lies too beautiful not to believe
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