Let me explain something to you.

When you look at me
with your soft ocean blue eyes,
and you look into my soul
and you can see all the hurt
and all the lies
that i have been telling myself to get me by

I want to cry. I want you to hold me.

No one else.

And when I give in to that need,
and the hot tears fall into my lap,
I just can't help it.

They just come
when you're near me.

And I don't understand it
i don't understand myself
and i don't understand how i feel about you.

Because when I let those tears fall,

to me, they feel like weakness
that somehow managed to leak out of my eyes
because I'm keeping too many secrets

and the biggest one
is that

I love you
and I want to keep you in my life.

But I don't want to sound selfish

So I make do, never taking the time
to explain to you
that all I wanna do

is let you hold me.

Because this weakness- you turn it into strength.

And, as ****** up as my past is,

you took the time

                                 to learn how to love me.

But I still
can't stand

for you
to see me cry.

Left helpless by my inability to help you,
What good
is talking about something that's on your mind,
What good
is me providing an ear,
Shedding with you a useless tear,

Your words ignite anger,
and together we burn in a crazy hatred filled blaze.
High on hurt and intolerable pain,
Lusting on scenarios to exact our blood, thirsty,
unrealistic revenge.

What we'd do if we had the means,
If you had the money to escape,
And could write your own fate,
You problems would abate.

Hearing your sobs turn dry,
Shaking, left shattered, broken and weak.
The cycle begins once again,
You pick yourself up and leave,
Unable to turn the other cheek.

Till next time then,
so farewell,
It kills me knowing that when it comes around,
I'll be with you reliving this cruel truth,
But alas together we'll hopelessly plod through.

As you return to your prison,
Problems unresolved,
I sit with a heavy heart,
Fearing your safety,
Saddest of all; not from all the problems,
But the dread of what will happen if you lost yourself.

I am in the middle of a thunderstorm
but not nearly naked enough
not nearly happy enough
but letting the rain wash through my hair and sprinkle across my arms
because I am finally realizing
that I have been bored for so long, now.

And I need a ******* change.

Tonight she's okay.
Her head lay sweetly on me, drifting off to dream,
and I can tell she had a good day. A good day
that turned to a good night, something she couldn't
have lately. She found a sliver of peace
today, despite a night alone. She rarely enjoys
solitude, but something about today just felt alright.
She can only hope tomorrow gets the memo.
It's these days, small glimmers of faith, that
keep her breathing steadily,
keep her dry head laying sweetly,
keep her dreams hanging
on for one more night.
Another fight.