There is no confusion
in the ways we hold
our bodies in sleep.
Only unconscious order
upon each others
skin.

Do you remember how thin the light was
in December?
Creeping in a shade of honey
gloss across our faces as we laid upon
the hardwood floor?
Yes, didn’t it box us in so closely?
That night when the world granted us awareness
of each others presence
in this life?
Like shaking minors who know not how
to use their bodies
for fear of ruining a moment preserved
from the gazes of their tiny eyes.
And didn’t we speak of all those characters
with bowler hats?
Or our zeal for crooked heros, or how ******* right
Bukowski always is?

No, I did not go,
but listened to the pressing of our ribcages;
the soft crackle of our bones against the wood.
No, I did not leave—
ever from these ideas met in novels
of what love could really be
if ever we tried to apply it.
No, I am here and you are here
and together we knew that a night
when the light encompasses and stands
upright like fire is a time to say
yes.

And won’t it be funny?
In times passing and every December after
the next, the wooden floors
will show their age and the light
may it be a different shade of color
afterwards.
But, won’t there always be
a story on our table?
And a mug for me
waiting near the french press
when I wake up
after you?

I remember having conversations with you about all the things we would do. Camping, going to the zoo, having a barbecue. I was going to cook for you because you were always eating chicken nuggets while I was cooking myself real meals. I remember when you smiled because I said I wanted to spend all that time with you. I remember when you made me feel like those things might actually happen. I remember when you told me that I was amazing. And that you didn't understand why someone like me would like someone like you. And I remember how you felt when I said that you were being crazy and that I thought you were the most amazing person I've ever known and that if anything you were the one who was too good for me. I remember when I told you that you won my heart but hadn't come to collect the prize. I remember how you said you had two prizes to choose and it was so difficult for you. Not knowing who to pick. Afraid that picking me would be the wrong choice. Time and time again I do so many things that should show you who I am and what I am to you. I try to show you that there’s nothing to fear. But you won’t let me show you. Why? Why won’t you just believe me? Why would I hurt you? I can’t even stand myself when I’m mad at you for a split second. Why would I lie to you? I never lie to anyone, especially not someone who’s so honest to me at all times. Why would I fight with you? The only arguments we have are based off of you not agreeing that you’re beautiful and that you don’t need makeup and that you don’t need to spend so much time on your hair and that you look fantastic regardless of what clothes you’re wearing. Why would I ever let you go for anything? After spending so long fighting for you, I would never stop fighting to keep you. I would never hold you back. I would want you to be happy. Do you want to go somewhere? So do I. Do you want to drive to the middle of nowhere? So do I. Do you want to go out? So do I. Do you want to stay in and relax? So do I. Do you want to hang out with your friends, then go ahead. I can make plans; I have a life of my own. Do you want to be alone? I’ll respect that, like I always have. Why can’t you just go back to the days of holding my hands and getting that glorious feeling? Why can’t you go back to the time when you remembered that feeling you got when I held you. My embrace having something magical that neither of us could explain. Remember all the times we talked and talked and talked and found out we have so much in common. Remember all the days where you wanted to tell me good morning and good night, regardless of if we talked all day. Remember all the times that I put a real smile on your face on the days when you said you wouldn't be okay. All those days I told you that your smile was too pretty to go to waste. I even remember when you first said you hated your smile because your teeth aren't perfectly straight. I told you it didn't matter, because you have such a true happiness in your smile. That gleaming beauty that no one else could ever show, yet you still didn't believe me. Even if you didn't believe me, you still smiled. I remember the place and the time and the day that we talked about how things were going.  I remember you said you couldn't be with me but you wanted me to stay in your life as a friend, so I said I couldn't be anything to you. And I remember you started to cry. And I hated everything in the world that night. Things were entirely opposite of how they should have been. I remember all the times I tried to keep you out of my head but I couldn't. Now you won’t talk to me about anything. Like I’m some madman for caring about you. You act like all the things I say are lies. I don’t think I could make your life better, I know it. I don’t think I could make you happier, I know it. Just try to think of all those perfect words I said to you. All of the times I wrote something that left you speechless. Just think of all those times. Just remember. Quit hiding it away in your pockets like old receipts and pen caps. I can’t stop thinking about you because you’re the one ******* thing I want in this whole world. I don’ t care about your past. I don’t care about any “imperfections”. I don’t care at all. To me you’re everything I could need. And I can’t help but love everything about you. I just want to have love for you, though, instead of love for everything about you. And I have more love to give than anyone else you've ever known. I might not be better than everyone at everything, but I know I’m better than anyone else at what’s important. I know you could always trust in me. I know I could never hold you back. I know I would keep a smile on your face at all times. I know you wouldn't be waiting around for perfect moments, because I would make every moment perfect. When people ask you what the happiest time of your life was, you wouldn't say it was when you were younger and had your own place and did what you want when you wanted to. You would say that the happiest part of your life is now, because I would make every day better than the last. You wouldn't keep living in the clouds and staring at the stars, you would be with the stars and the moon. You wouldn't need to dream anymore because you would just dream of when you finally get to wake again. I’m not making things up. I’m not hopeful. I’m not optimistic. I’m not a liar. I’m not a dreamer. I know I could make everything better, all the time. Don't think it's too good to be true. You used to say I was too good to be true, but here I am. So just give me a chance to prove it. You’ll never regret it, I promise. Zebra.

I felt like a giant
Holding fireworks in his fists
Fuses burning between my knuckles
I could silence the bang if I wanted to

Inside your chest are bibles
Full of psalms about hunger
And love
And letting go
Psalms about selfless
I want to kiss you like a prayer

******* like a prayer

I am small
And I feel the ground breathe beneath my feet
It is dark

I am a marble with a green cat eye center
Still hot and smooth
The glass blower that made me had asthma
I don’t roll like the rest of them
This dent in my chest
But you decide it is a good place to rest your head

You feel like the ocean
When I am sleeping on a raft
I made from fallen trees and rope
A steady rock just past the wave break
So calm I’m sure I could sail safely
As far as I wanted

I feel like I don’t exist
Like I am unicorn horn glitter
After the slaying
The men who have ground me down
Use me to sell toys to kids
Because glitter makes everything magic

I am magic
Clumsy magic
Like a giant learning sleight of hand
Fireworks in his fists
I could stop the bang if I wanted to

I don’t want to
I am hot glowing color
Falling from the palms of a giant
Whose hands are clouds

Someone has just prevented a car accident
Saved someone’s life
There are fireworks
A celebration

I am rubber kneecaps
For people who collapse
I bounce them back
People who don’t pray anymore
They just keep walking

I feel like a slave song
The simple message
When you sing these words
I can do anything

I feel like a giant

And I want to kiss you like a prayer
That stops someone from dying

there is nothing wrong
with never having been
loved in that way

In a place of weakness
I moved my head up
From the soft place in your chest
And whispered
I want to marry you so badly
And even I had no intention to cry
I had no clue that my desires
Ran so deeply in my veins
And yet I knew with tears streaming down my face
I wanted you
For the rest of my life
And I knew this with such intensity
That nothing can quite compare
For I knew then I truly loved you
I knew I truly couldn't bare your absence.

I saw you this morning,
You made me weak at the knees
Next time I'll brace myself
For when your smile breaks my heart

I had a dream where i was laying next to you,
your eyes were closed but you weren't sleeping.
I don't know how i knew that, because my eyes were closed too
--or it was pitch black--
and my hand was on your chest
and i could feel your heart beat
and there was no sound beside
     your wondrous breathing
           and the lub-dub of blood streaming.
everything was peaceful....


Then i woke up, and my hand was just resting on a pillow
and there were many sounds
a cement truck, a garbage truck,
someone coughing then spitting
a car horn.
My heart was pumping slow and i felt like a rock
at the bottom of the ocean

and i waited for you to come home.