this I can't deny
a secret person from myself
a secret life behind these eyes
cast away behind the shelf

a personality I cannot find
what no one expects
... sincere
and yet...
insane

for being a caged animal?
tame?!

if you are what they want you to be
if you are sane... then you are weak
if you are financially inept
then you are ******.

goodbye dignity
goodbye "BEING A MAN"
but you never needed that
you were always an intellectual
you had no other choice

but this is hidden in the chaos
and the chaos is something no one can argue
when you try they don't believe you

they believe in a higher being
when they don't understand
they don't understand disorder
they don't understand biological disorder

I am not tame when provoked... just like you
except when I am provoked...
I naturally turn violent

when I turn evil, I turn on myself
safety measure, defense mechanism against me.
and when I can no longer take it
the dark thoughts pace rapidly
nerves are shot

I am only writing this to save my life
I am only writing this to save my life
I am only...

the life I don't want
in a place that's tolerable
with the inhabitants that don't understand me

I am only writing this to preserve....

I'm not pathetic
I'm not what everyone says I am...
or thinks I am
I'm not...

but they wouldn't know that

they never bothered to ask me...
I'm either too intimidating by appearance
too the opposite by demeanor
I'm either this or that
this or that...
ITS ALWAYS MULTIPLE THINGS AT THE SAME TIME
DOES ANYONE ELSE EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS???

It barely makes sense to me..
I cannot identify...
and then I give up..
turn apathetic...
begin narration

and I am only writing this to calm myself down
I am only writing this to save my life
I am not selfish enough to take it...
even from the people who don't believe me.
the people I love.

I fight myself everyday for them.
Because if it were up to me... well...

...

I now remember why I chose to write
I am defeated... by nature
and a workhorse by society.
hysterical...

I hope no one ever reads this...
even if they did
it wouldn't matter...
this is the last thing someone does
is trick themselves into company
who cares what others think
when you're basically talking to yourself
you're talking to yourselves
and yet...

you are still the mystery narrator

A MAN, just how the world likes us
defeated.

Dead in a Metaphor.

What do you do about someone who is speaking publicly of you?

...beneath the ill and secretly in the shadows there
are the parts that reveal truth of which no one knows...

what do you do about people who once mattered no longer mattering?...
what do you matter?, to those of you who chose to....
what do you do about them talking about you...
what do you do when all they do is lie of you...
what do you do when they no longer matter
what do you do when I no longer matter to you?

what do you do?
when you are pale blue...

What do YOU do when-
no one loves YOU!

I'm so alone

I could hear my heart beating in my ears

I'm so accomplished

I'm still screaming at my fears

and all the while

though I'm fighting through these tears...

they trickle down and still...

nothing

I feel

as though

nothing

as if

nothing

nothing.

like a grandfather clock's ticking echoing down the hallways of my ears

tick

tick

tick

strikes the hour

does not chime

oh grandfather clock divine

oh old heart of mine

why do you not chime?

I kissed myself on the forehead
and told myself that I've had better days
that everything used to be...  ok...

I wish I could go back!
I would change so many things,
I would learn to control myself better...
I would not listen to those who controlled me

all things considered
it seems I've grown bitter
and these words they haunt me
all things considered
it seems I've grown iller
and my killer he taunts me

the writer inside,
"negligible pride
despite the crazy ride
on a track that cut off "-me

I wish I could go back
I would explain myself better
I would not resort to street medication quackery
I would read up on hereditary

I would brush my first set of teeth more
I would learn to sleep
I would prepare preemptively before a storm
I would promise, I would not keep
I would avoid ever taking the high road
I would avoid the very notion of forlorn

I would stick to what I knew
yet despite the way I grew
I became what i had hoped
achievement was my rue
and now I am torn

I would lie.
I would lie to everyone.

because they all did it to me
and it hurt, but they couldn't see
that no one cared
not even me
and herein lies
insult to injury
the ones that love you most
are the ones who hurt severely

and so
I kissed myself on the forehead
and then I saw clearly.

I'm hemorrhaging

Bleeding confidence

Hollow and deprived

Striving to survive

Caught between my apathy and dismay

Severing the life I once carried within me

Fill up my lungs with decay

And pretend in a usual way

I'm hemorrhaging

Time to switch veins

Here I am a zombie

Is this how Jesus felt?

Was once alive striving to help

Now walking dead forgotten on a shelf

Cast aside and sentenced

An empty room in which to reflect

A concentration camp

Please, do not interject

The chokee as she called it

With all do respect

I get sentenced to this place

A place to resurrect

The sentences are what I fear

Revolving in my head

They tickle trace and mock my face

PLEASE DO NOT INTERJECT

time to switch lanes, veins, valence, evade...

oxygen in my head

The oxygen

in my

brain

Hemorrhaging

The vain

vane

vein

Here I ponder empty hearted
Seems as though I remain *******

But this word is controversial in its essence
Politically incorrect malevolence

Because of what I speak pertains to delay
The thoughts inside my head retrace this time of day

And even though the wheel spins and spins
I am left in the same place where I begin

To trace and trace
Over again

At this time of day I remain hidden

I'm struggling now
These words to no avail
Youll never receive them in the mail

Word to the wise, here is your token
Do not put forth words of actions you have not yet spoken

Because if you loved me you would have never left

Me
here
alone
in this time of day

for lack of better rhyme
and it is to late to fix what you have broken

Yet you said it

I'm sure you are happy
you always were
you always will be

I'm sure you are better than me
in the arms of warm company

I'm sure behind that big smile
seemingly always plastered on your face...
you are exactly as happy as you made that out to appear

I'm sure I am miserable
I always was
I always will be

I'm sure I'm as numb as you told me you were
lonelier than the person claiming that's a word
more lonely than 1.
I'm sure.

you won...you got your way...
you got a way,
(uh)*

I lose
but what if I had won?

This can't be true
He is just a writer.