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Samantha Cantu May 2021
love and lust are not the same
love will heal you
because lust hurt you
Samantha Cantu Mar 2021
Mom, Dad
Why can't you see the pain I'm in
I know I don't tell you anything
Or let you in to see
But you should know me

I know you don't believe in psychology
But still you should see
That my mental health is crumbling
You can't deny
That you aren't doing anything to save my life

You can't save me from anything
Not the undiagnosed ADHD
Not the undiagnosed Anorexia Nervosa
Not the undiagnosed Anxiety
I'm breaking but you aren't trying to save me

Not from the undiagnosed depression
Or the undiagnosed body dysmorphia
Or the anger issues you gave me
Why do you have to run from the truth
That psychology is true

You never tried to protect me from the ones who broke my heart
The the man who tried to touch me
When you where just a floor above me
You may believe its just a phase
But the broken has set in and its here to stay

If you would just open your eyes
To the truth
Then maybe
Just maybe
I'd let my walls down for you

But until you come to your senses
I'll wait here in  pain
For you to come and push it away
Hug me till you arms ache
And wipe the tears from my face

I know that one day
You will open your eyes
And I know that I'm a pain
But for right now my only complaint
Is that you let me go undiagnosed
Samantha Cantu Mar 2021
My hands shake
With the memory of the gag
Or was it the blade
Either way
They shake

My whole self shivers
As a constant cold
Seeps through my many layers
All the blankets in the world
Well never stop my constant shiver

My stomach shoots with pain
The kind of pain you can't shake
Though I know it will eventually go away
Is it bad
That I kind of long for that pain

My throat begins to burn
While my tooth enamel decays
Because stomach acid really is a strong thing
Flushing the toilet
Where my last meal swirls away

I have a really bad headache
That never goes away
But sooner or later the pain will begin to fade
But its my thoughts that provide the most pain
Even more that this pounding headache

Sometimes it all goes blank
And I wish I could stay
There in that blankness, always
Where my mind is clear
And the pain is miles away

But all this pain is worth it
Because at the end of the day
I'm left with a skeleton body
And my best friend Ana
Who will never leave me, there's no way
Samantha Cantu Mar 2021
They say I am skinny
But what they don't see
Is that I'm dying inside
Running on little to no calories

They say I am strong
But they can't feel
The ache in my leg
From the cuts that won't heal

They say I'm a lover
If only they knew
That I may love all of them
But with me, I never know what to do

They say I am pretty
But you can't make a lie true
No matter how much you say it
I'm not that much of a fool

They say I am smart
But they don't see
That my search history
Is the answer key

They say their jealous of me
But they can't really see
How strong I envy
Anyone but me

They say they wish I could see
But I will never see the lies they tell me
What they see isn't really me
Its what they want me to be

I'm fat cause the weight won't leave
Weak cause of the pain they can't see
Mean but only to me
Ugly and I wish they could see

I'm stupid and need an answer key
Jealous of anyone but me
Oh I wish they could see
That I can't be what they want me to be
Samantha Cantu Mar 2021
Did you see that girl who was skinny as can be
Showing us all that she had a sickness she couldn’t see
Chasing death on the trails
She runs to stop feeling full
Wish she could see that she is sick as can be
As everyone else can see

Wishing that she could see if she was skinny as can be
So she avoids the food in fear that they will see the fat
that she can see
but she is skinny as can be
and sick but she cant see

Hungry to the point that all she can see
Is that this could make her skinny as can be
only dreading the next meal that she "doesn't" need
so sick that see can't see
that she really is skinny as can be

" oh I'm not hungry you see"
her favorite words to say when others can see
that she is skinny as can be
Her so called friend Ana who doesn't want her to see
that she is sick and will never see

So she'll keep counting the calories and hoping they don't see
The fat that her and Ana can see
She'll keep running those trails
But death has nearly got her by the heels
Because she is sick and can't see

— The End —