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i met your lips with mine
feeling our hearts beating against each others' chests
as my brain evaporated into the fog
and my coffee stained lips molded against yours
writing unspoken stories of intimacy
no one but you would ever have the pleasure of hearing

we held each other like two puzzle pieces
cut out for each other and brought together
like cigarettes to the flames of lighters and matches
and our love became the nicotine laced smoke
far less toxic yet just as addictive
and just as breathtaking

content
my happiness like an ember in a fireplace
slowly burning in my core
only unlike an ember
it won't eventually burn out
over
t
i
m
e
n.v.
jan. 27, 2014
♡ ☥ ☽ ☯ ☾ ☥ ♡
 Feb 2014 samantha neal
Helen
I used to have a book, books,
that I scribbled in furiously
at work, at traffic lights
in the morning and at night
after I went to bed, I'd get up again
and bled upon a page
I'd be halfway through a shower
and I'd rush through top and toe
just to drip upon the page
so the feelings would not go away

now

I write mine freehand, in the dark
after my world has gone to sleep
I take another drink
and become part of all of me
I used to think carefully
about each syllable,
each carefully constructed line
but there is no time, no time left
for me to care what falls from my brain

I read everyday, every word said
I collect emotions of others wounds
and store them as prizes in my head
I love everyone you do, or, did
and I hate them for how they treated you
or, I did, until you forgave them
or, killed them in memory or,
flogged yourself stupid for their mistakes
I get it, you write what I've lived

I draw on memories that aren't mine
Emotions I've never allowed to cut deep
Promises that were left unspoken
and crossroads where we would never meet

Hence the darkness needed to write
because I'm afraid of the shadows
that seem to hide in the light
In the dark I can pretend to be alone
Just my drink, and my dog
which occasionally likes to sit on me
and I can pretend I mean something
to just anyone, kissing emotional lips
with a passion of memories
I don't seem to own
 Feb 2014 samantha neal
amt
love
 Feb 2014 samantha neal
amt
i might fall flat out on the pavement
or i might fall head over heels in love with the idea of love

but i've so much to learn
and so much to feel

and i'm both eager and terrified
Dear daddy,
there's a box full of letters under my bed
I wrote them to you but kept them in my head
For reasons a little more than "left unsaid"
No, I can't communicate with the dead
Paper doesn't reply
And if it could,
It wouldn't compare to the conversations between you and I
You were inspiring and wonderful
Did you know that, daddy?
You were brave so that we were comfortable
In a house with safety that still survives
To me, you've never died
And every time I say that you have,
I feel that I've lied
In my dreams, you're still real
A body I can hug,
A person I can feel
But when I wake up,
you are gone again
And I'm struggling...I am
Because I lost my best friend
We were getting closer, weren't we?
Things were getting better, weren't they?
I know everything happens for a reason,
or at least that's what they say
But I can't find a reason to take a man's life
Though I can find a reason to use this knife...
But I'm stronger than that, and maybe that's why
Good people must go, even the best must die
I might've lost my dad, but I won't lose this fight

Dear daddy, you should know that I'm much stronger now
I'm falling apart but I stand tall somehow
And it hurts every day, and we all still cry
But you had to go, and even though I don't know why
I know that there's a reason behind your leaving
I know that there's a reason I was the one to find you'd stopped breathing
I know there's a reason for October 15th
I know I don't know that reason,
But I'm getting closer, I think.
Please excuse how poorly I've been writing. To say the least, it hurts to write anymore.
I used to count on my fingertips,
All the days which we had spent together,
The numbers grew and grew,
And each month, I was so surprised by how many days,
We had spent talking to each other,
Then, at midnight on the 9th you would call me,
And we would talk, and talk,
And remember,
And plan,
And then you would yawn,
Tell me that you love me so much,
And say:
“Good night Goof, I’ll talk to you tomorrow,as always,
I love you so much, you mean the world to me.”
The smile on my face would be enough to put me to sleep,
The sweetness of your words swirling in my head like a lullaby.

Slowly, without warning, you began to slip away,
But I still counted the days,
And for every new day that I counted and fell more in love,
You slipped further and further from me,
And more into your new world you had built,
There was no place for me,
No matter how many times you denied it.

Two months after I lost the privilege of calling you mine,
I still sit here on the eve of the 9th,
Counting my fingertips,
Only this time,
I am not counting the days which we have been together,
I am counting the days that we have been apart,
And there are no smiles,
Only tears streaming down my face.
emw
Grade school:
Doing anything to become popular.
Hurting those I would later find out were my true friends.
Uttering words that would
Cut deeper than any blade could.

Depression:
Something I now claim was just a phase.
(What a farce)

High school:*
Struggling,
                                             To give a ****,
                                             To find new friends,
                                             To keep the old.
Struggling,
                                             To hold onto those I loved,
Watching them slip through my fingers.

Depression:
No one knew.
My mask?
Perfected.

Social anxiety:
My mask starts to crack.
The crazy starts to show.
My friends,
They start to leave.


College:
Finally, I am myself.
                                             New job.
                                             New friends.
                                             Understanding.
Life is good.

Forgetting:
                                             The obsessions,
                                             The anxiety,
                                             The depression.
You:  
Slowly deteriorating.
Obsessions,
Creeping back.
                                             What are you doing?
                                             Are you with her?
Did you even care for me?
                                             Yes,
                                             No,
                                             Only for a short while?

How to become better,
To look better,
To think better,
To act better,
To be more talented,
To be more like her,
To be better than her,
To be good enough for you.
You.

The anxiety:
Consuming my mind.
Jumbling it up,
Unable to think,
Or rather to many thoughts to think through.  

Depression:
Sinking in.
Ideas of ending it all,
Surfacing,
(Once again.)
Mask starting to form.  

And I thought I was getting better.
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